Memoirs of a Utah Gay Activist 1986

Preface

2006-12-23T11:51:00.002-08:00

Extracts from the personal journal of Ben Williams dealing with his life and interaction with Gay leaders in building and shaping the Queer communities of Salt Lake City, Utah in 1986 with additional anecdotal material from various resources.

I have purposefully deleted the last names of people mentioned in my journal, including my ex-wife, who probably would not care if I did mention them; but since it's not my intention to "out" anyone I decided not to do so.

I once made the mistake of mentioning the name of someone, in a column I write for a Salt Lake newspaper, that I had sex with when first coming out. I thought he was thoroughly out of the closet. I was wrong. He was very upset over it and I apologized to him. I learned that even though someone may be openly Gay in his or her circle of friends, they still may not want the world to know their sexual orientation.

However those who are identified by their last names, have identified themselves as being Gay through either acting as a public leader of a Gay organization, having had their names published in articles as Gay people, or having since died. Those who have died I have listed them in a section called "additional material". All information found in those sections are like footnotes and do not appear in my original handwritten journal.

I have taken the liberty of editing my own journal for spelling and grammar since most of my writings were reflections written before retiring to bed. I have also changed some sentences around for clarity also.

I noticed that in many, many of my entries I am either sobbing or on the verge of tears. While I admit I am an emotional guy who will cry during sad movies, sad songs, and sad memories, I generally do not salinely emote so much. I think I may have been close to being clinically depressed while going through all those rapid changes in my life. I often felt I was free falling and therefore trying to grab on to anyone I could for support.

I don't claim that my observations and opinions of people I met in 1986 are accurate just that they were my perceptions, no matter how limited, at the time. Apologize for an offense I may give anyone by publishing my private thoughts from twenty years ago. I truly felt like Alice In Wonderland Through the Looking Glass at times.

I also don't claim that my experiences are all that unique. In the mid-1980's many married Gay men were leaving their wives because of the AIDS epidemic, and people were gravitating towards social groups to meet other people rather then in anonymous sexual encounters.

Notice that I always capitalize Gay as a Proper Noun and Proper Adjective. That is because my social construct is that Gays are a Sexual Minority as different from heterosexuals as women are from men. I do not hold to the modern assimilationist view that we are the same as heterosexuals and are defined only by our sexual behavior not by our sexual being.

Finally I am publishing this journal and maybe later others for the sole reason of serving as a time capsule of what it was like to emerge with a Gay identity in the heart of Mormonism in the year 1986 for Gay hsitorians.

January 1986

2006-12-23T11:51:00.001-08:00

1 January 1986 Wednesday
As this New Year begins I am thirty-five years old and still working for Utah Title Insurance. I live at 1320 Roberta Street in Salt Lake City at a house that my wife and I rent for $450 a month. Our heating bill is almost half that a month and without my wife really making any money we are having a hard time paying the bills.

My wife is working at Taylor Maids in the Cottonwood Mall doing acrylic nails. She only made $80 the entire month of December. Needless to say it is not real lucrative.

I have two dogs, a black Labrador named Sam age ten and a Dingo mix named Toby age six. We also have three cats, Killer, Baby, and Jack. The dogs are my babies and my life or at least they are giving meaning to my life. Otherwise I'm not sure what I want out of life.

Where am I going? I am going to be thirty-five soon, the middle of my span of years and I feel like my life is passing me by. What will this New Year bring?

I haven't been to church since coming back to Utah last August. There doesn't seem to be any answers there any more. I am completely disgusted over the Clair Harwood mess. I’ve got to have some answers soon.

I am really upset over the death of Ricky Nelson in a plane crash on New Year's eve. I kind of grew up with Ricky Nelson watching him on Ozzie and Harriet. I didn't call anyone to wish them a Happy New Year. Really don't know anyone anymore.
• Additional Material Gay and Lesbian students at the Utah Technical College on Redwood Road attempt to organize a Gay student union.
• AIDS Project Utah hired Carol Ellison, a psychiatric nurse to conduct a day training program in basic counseling. Duane Dawson organized the Salt Lake workshop based on the Shanti program and was attended by 15 people.

2 January 1986 Thursday
I didn't go into work today. I was still too achy from the cold virus. My wife is slowly getting better by me pouring Gatorade into her to keep her from dehydrating. My throat is really raw and hurts even to swallow. Ouch. It was supposed to have gotten up to 40 degrees today. The house is absolutely scummy.

3 January 1986 Friday
I tried going into work today not that I was feeling any better. It was snowing lightly. President Ray-Gun is sending our war planes and ships to Libya in retaliation to the terrorists’ bombings in Rome and Vienna last month that killed several Americans. The inversion is gone. It's about time.

4 January 1986 Saturday
I am still breaking a fever all night long. I am just drenched in sweat in the morning. I must be as sick as my wife is. We are such a mess. In the afternoon felt well enough to get out of bed and fix us some supper. We have been shut ins for nearly a week because of this cold and flu.

Poor old Sam, he had his black butt kicked so much this week for just being his usual obnoxious self that he is starting to feel insecure. He's such a bed hog and he's getting so old that he just won't move and he gets all the covers. Toby is so much better because he just rolls with us and goes with the flow.
• Additional Material Number One song on National Charts is “Party All The Time" by Eddie Murphy

5 January 1986 Sunday
I am just as sick as ever but will go into work tomorrow. I have too. We need the money. My wife is not as deathly sick as she was last Sunday.

Additional Material 6 January 1986 -Cory De Young, an employee of the narcotic division of the SLC police department claimed that Joe Redburn, owner of the Sun Tavern, referred De Young to a drug dealer. Redburn claimed that he was out of town on that date and De Young a former felon was not telling the truth. Incident sets off a vice Squad raid to close down the Sun Tavern. Redburn dismissed De Young as a thief and a liar. “I like Joe. But drugs are getting so bad; people are dying right and left, and you don’t ever hear about it really. It’s too bad that he’s involved because he could definitely run a nice club.”, stated Cory De Young. Joe Redburn stated, “I didn’t know my employees were dealing in drugs. They all signed a paper before they worked here that says they will not sell or use illicit drugs and will submit to a lie detector test if asked.”

7 January 1986 Tuesday
Today is our 9th Wedding Anniversary but we just stayed in bed and toasted each other with non-alcoholic wine. We were still too ill to do much else.

8 January 1986 Wednesday
My boss Bob E. changed all our desks around at Utah Title and placed me at the computer terminal permanently since I am the only one in the office that has any experience with a computer and I know nothing but the little I learned at Ticor. I don't know how it will work out but at least I don't have to answer the damn phones anymore. I really don't like my job but it does pay the rent. Maybe it’s the weather that's gotten me down.

9 January 1986 Thursday
Today is my old high school friend, John F. C.'s thirty-fifth birthday. Happy Birthday to you even after all these years.

My wife has the house buying bug again. I really don't want to buy a house yet. Don't know why.

The weather has been cold and foggy again. It's terrible. It's only thirty degrees out and there's still snow on the ground from last November. I am tired of not having any friends.
• Additional Material Farrell R. Hurst age 33 died of suicide. Born 23 September 1952 in Delta, Utah. Graduated from East High. Received a degree in music education from U of U. Attended Musical Academy of the West in Santa Barbara. An accomplished violinist and organist and skilled at home restoration.

Additional Material 10 January 1986 Mormons Excommunicate Repentant AIDS Victim Clair Harward A homosexual dying of AIDS convinced he would “go to hell” and needing spiritual guidance said he confessed his sexual preference to his local Mormon bishop and was excommunicated. Ogden resident, Clair Harward said doctors have told him he only has a few months to live, but he will die a non Mormon because the church will not consider whether to readmit him for another year. Mormon bishop Bruce Don Bowen confirmed Harward was excommunicated and was asked not to attend church because of fears he could spread the disease AIDS which is spread by sexual contact, largely among Gays. Bowen said Harward was excommunicated because the church believes homosexuality is an abuse of God’s gift of procreation. “We are forbidden to take life- except where the government does in cases of capital offenses- and there are great restrictions and guide lines on procreation which hold men responsible on how they use the gift”, Bowen said. “A sexual relationship within marriage is appropriate for men and women in His sight. Otherwise it is a sin second only to murder in seriousness.” Harward said he was diagnosed in 1984 as having AIDS and that he recently went to the church seeking guidance and spiritual comfort. “there was just so much guilt, ”he said. “I was going nuts and I was convinced I ‘d go to hell if I didn’t. I wanted peace of mind.” Harward who is unemployed said his will to live diminished after his excommunication but his roommate and other Gay friends gave him a free home and solace. “I felt that was more Christian than the way the church was treating me. They had done nothing. I was feeling rejected.” Harward said adding he told the church “You’re more concerned about your ten % tithing.” Harward said he wanted to repent and ask for guidance to emerge from years of a Gay life style. Bowen said he advised Harward to shun homosexual friends and activities and assume personal responsibility “not to endanger the public by attending church services.” But Harward said the Mormon bishop also asked him for a list of people he had homosexual contact with and that soon afterwards his roommate also was excommunicated. Harward said doctors told him cancer associated with AIDS had spread to his lungs and they could not operate, meaning he had only a few months to live. “When I need my friends the most, they’re asking me to be alone,” he said. Church policy states excommunicated members must wait 1 year before being evaluated again for membership. (The first known photograph of a Utah Man with AIDS. Harward is shown without his shirt showing clearly his KS spots. (01/10/1986 SLTribune B1)
• Homosexuality is a sin that runs “counter to divine objectives” according to a statement to local church leaders from the 1st Presidency. A Mormon spokesman said there are no official guidelines for AIDS victims attending church but sufferers should consider possible consequences of spreading the disease. “Homosexuality in men and women runs counter to divine objectives and the intended destiny of mankind. Some claim homosexuality is incurable; therefore they seek to be considered a legitimate minority group protected by law. We should not be deceived by these false rationalizations. We must never lose our perspective admits the world’s clamor to justify and normalize immorality.” Spokesman Jerry Cahill said Clair Harward had the choice to attend church or not. “What would be the effect of a man who came to church with the flu? The other concern is that little is known about how AIDS spreads.” (01/10/1985 SLTribune B1)

Additional Material 11 January 1986 Saturday LDS Say They Have Helped AIDS Victim The Mormon Church provided food and counseling to an AIDS victim who was excommunicated for homosexual practices, a church spokesman said Friday. The church’s comments was made in response to criticism for AIDS victim Clair Harward, 26, Ogden who said in a newspaper interview that he felt abandoned by his family, friends, and church since contracting AIDS. Harward was excommunicated in May 1985 after confessing to a Mormon bishop he had had homosexual relations for several years. Church spokesman Jerry Cahill issued a press release Friday that said the church has continued to work with Harward since his excommunication. “the church has supplied regular food orders, and counseling assistants to Harward and has attempted to meet his needs as he has expressed them during this tragic period.” Cahill said. “Mr. Harward local church leaders desire to continue to assist in lifting his difficult burden.” “Mormons compare this (AIDS) to Sodom and Gomorra ,”Harward said of his condition. (D4 SL Tribune)
•"That's What Friends Are For" by Dionne Warrick & Friends number one song on national charts

Additional Material 12 January 1986 Sunday The Gay/Lesbian Alliance and Heterosexual Alliance, two controversial student clubs at Utah State University are now officially recognized. The Gay/ Lesbian Alliance is a support group for homosexuals that has met weekly on Campus since October 1985. Club goals include “educating the public that we are normal people” and providing emotional support for homosexuals, then friends and families according to club representatives. The Heterosexual Alliance advocates the “advantage of being heterosexual” according to club president Nyles Stoddard. They also plan to provide information about AIDS and will attempt to provide counselors for homosexuals who wish to change their life style. The Heterosexual Alliance began meeting in November 1985 in response to a three part series about homosexual groups in the Utah Statesman, the university’s student newspaper. The series began with a front page photograph of two bare chested males in a partial embrace. President Nyle Stoddard 27, pre-law student said his club will monitor valley publications and watch for further questionable, distasteful, or offensive material. Members of the Gay/Lesbian Alliance who attended the first meeting of the Heterosexual Alliance characterized it as a hate group. Stoddard said the club also seeks answers to many questions about the spread of AIDS “Does society have a responsibility to stop it? Does government? Do individuals? I point at homosexuals because they comprise 75 % of the spreaders of the disease.” Heterosexuals meets monthly with 25 members. Gay/Lesbian Alliance meets weekly with same amount. Darren was the co-President of the Gay/Lesbian Alliance. (SLTribune 2B 01/12/1986)
• Salt Lake AIDS Foundation Headed by Dr. Patty A. Reagan will Provide Information Dr. Patty Reagan, as founder director of the Salt Lake AIDS Foundation may have jumped in where angels fear to tread. It’s part of her academic training and humanitarian concern, she said, to provide accurate non speculative information about AIDS, a medical condition 1st discovered in the United States in 1981. AIDS attacking groups on the margin of society-Gay men, intravenous drug users, and certain immigrants from Haiti-leaving them vulnerable to diseases healthy people rarely contract. By background and training Dr. Reagan is a University of Utah associate professor of health education, who this fall began sharing ½ her professional time as the new director of the Women’s Studies Program succeeding Dr. Margo Sargman. Dr. Reagan has shared information on women’s health, sexuality, women’s issues and health issues on and off campus. She’s a frequent and popular community speaker whose topic now includes AIDS. She was recognized for her concerns as a recipient of the Susa Young Gates Award presented each year by Utah Women’s Political Caucus for service to the state of Utah and a commitment to human rights. Dr. Reagan returned to Utah in May from a Sabbatical at the University of California at Berkeley doing post doctoral work in public health. It was hard not to be involved with AIDS as a health concern while there. The Bay Area is at the hub of the AIDS crisis and UC Berkeley has a million dollar grant for AIDS epidemiology study. “My concern coming back to Utah was that no one was doing anything as far as AIDS education. I’ve discovered since, there are individuals and groups a lot with in the Gay men’s community doing everything from collecting money to provide emergency food and housing to forming AIDS support groups. The need for education remains. “For example the social implications for mothers, families, extended families, significant others need to be addressed. The SLAF can help people like the woman whose sun was hospitalized with AIDS at the UCLA medical center. He was within three days of death He hadn’t told her until then because he didn’t want her to know he was Gay.” Part of what the foundation does through an AIDS telephone line, is provide accurate health information and referred. AIDS myths abound, Dr. Reagan said. If people generally deal poorly with sexually, they deal even less well with a sexually transmitted disease. Adding to the misinformation is a social system hostile to Gay men. On the patient’s side is a concern for the right to privacy while dealing with illness “In addition to a concern for physical illness, Gay men face a whole new set of social stresses growing around AIDS- loss of job, loss of housing, loss of support, in and out of the Gay community. According to a National Gay Task Force study, ¼ of American families has a Gay member. Dr. Reagan said in a 4 year study conducted in her classes, 8 per cent of students surveyed said they were Gay. “The data remains the same in Utah with rational figures begun with the Kinsey Studies of 1949. What that means is that here or elsewhere, the chances are not good for wiping out lifestyles that people don’t like. She said there is a large Utah community of bisexuals, the least studied of sexual variations. She said she has anecdotal evidence of Utah men, sometimes married, active sexually with women and men. That puts Utah women general in a low risk AIDS group at risk in a bi sexual community. “It’s my job, as a sex educator, to help eliminates or eradicate the AIDS myths. The most serious is that AIDS is easily communicable. The medical research and now history say that is not true. A person really has to work hard to get AIDS, with repeated encounters as the passive recipient of multiple, anonymous partners.” Dr. Reagan said the foundation’s AIDS information line originates with a telephone at the Wasatch Women’s Center, Ste. 102, 3450 Highland Drive where space is donated. Dr. Sandra Weins-Bagley is director. Lori Gregory a clinic health educator and Kristine Wimmer, a graduating senior in health educator and University of Utah, answer calls media attention to AIDS seems to trigger concerns and questions. Dr. Reagan pays the $70 a month to maintain the phone line. Ms. Gregory said half the calls come from those probably at risk, seeking referrals for testing and/or treatment. Questions from the public indicate the caller is misinformed, after asking ridiculous, but serious questions. On a Friday by 1:45 p.m. she had juggled 12 AIDS questions with Wasatch Women’s Center calls. “Sometimes someone calls, asks a question, hangs up, and then calls back 2 or 3 more times,” Ms. Gregory said. “It seems that one question unleashes a whole lot of concerns. Some days I get calls from a university student who may have seen our number published and who’s concerned about a contact he may have had 2 years ago.” She said the number of calls from men and women are about the same. “We get a lot of calls from women who panic and need information.” Dr. Reagan said the AIDS crisis has brought into focus some philosophical questions for instance school districts may consider policy on children with AIDS. Boys with hemophilia are another at high risk AIDS group. Although there’s no evidence that boys with hemophilia present an infection health risk, some schools are setting policies keeping these children from attending public schools. “The public heath question is where to terminate the civil liberties of a few for the rights of the many. Medical evidence says there aren’t many kids with AIDS. This is a chance for people to be advocate for those who need advocacy. Besides the information line, the foundation publishes a newsletter keeping volunteers and interested persons informed. Funding is an on going concern. Dr. Reagan said telling AIDS jokes as telling ethnic and religious jokes is a form of bigotry and prejudice. It shows insensitivity and personal insecurity she said. “Besides there’s a danger in telling AIDS jokes. You can never be sure to whom you are speaking and for whom it won’t be funny. Especially if 1 in 4 families in America has a Gay member. AT a recent American Public Health associated meeting in Washington DC. Reagan said the largest number of participants attended sections on women’s health concerns and AIDS. She said there was a lot of interest among Professional health care givers as to the role of women and AIDS. “Women are playing a special role in the AIDS crisis. Not because we are biologically nurtures, Men are that too. Women are the best possible ones physically and emotionally to deal with AIDS. We are at least risk. Women are at a unique pace to turn their energy and personal resources against AIDS.” (SLTribune 01/12/1986)
• Space Shuttle Columbia is launched with the first Hispanic-American astronaut, Dr. Franklin Chang-Diaz.

Additional Material 14 January 1986 AIDS victim Clair Harward excommunicated from his church and abandoned by family and friends says recent publicity about his plight has generated an out pouring of sympathy calls, letters and money. Harward, 26, Ogden told the Ogden Standard Examiner in a copyright story that he is dying of AIDS related cancer and expects to live about 1 more month. Since his story appeared last week Harward said he has been inundated with calls and letters expressing sympathy for his condition. He said one caller promised to send Harward $1000 and patrons of the Sun Tavern which has a homosexual clientele have donated $500 to help him defray his expenses. Harward said his telephone had been ringing off the hook since the story appeared. “It was very rewarding to getting my story told, but I don’t want it to go on.” He said he probably would give the money to his roommate who has cared for him during his illness. “He’s been a real help. He’s taken care of me and I couldn’t have found that anywhere.” Harward said. The Standard Examiner reported it also has received numerous letters addressed to Harward and telephone calls expressing sympathy. Word of the support from strangers and friends elevated Harward’s mood described Friday as “dejected and depressed” by Sheldon Spears, a friend of Harwards who also has AIDS and founded the Utah AIDS Society last fall. (D7 SLTribune)
• Donna Reed, American actress died best known for role in It’s A Wonderful Life and the Donna Reed Show (1921-1986)

Additional Material 18 January 1986 "That's What Friends Are For" by Dionne Warrick & Friends number one song on national charts

Additional material 19 January 1986 The first PC virus, Brain, starts to spread.

Additional Material 20 January 1986 The first federal Martin Luther King Day, honoring Martin Luther King Jr., is observed

Additional Material 22 January 1986 An excommunicated member of the Mormon Church suffering from AIDS whose plight received national attention earlier this month has been admitted to a hospital and doctors say he is expected to live only a few weeks. Inquiries from reporters through out the nation continued to trickle in after Clair Harward 26, Ogden, told his story about dying from AIDS. He was diagnosed as having AIDS related cancer in August 1984. Harward was admitted to St. Benedict’s Hospital last week after conditions worsened and he said the hospitalization was a welcome respite from the continual inquiries from reporters. Mean while the Mormon Church has offered to help and others are pitching in as well. Bishop Brent S. Farr who befriended Harward in his Ogden Ward after the AIDS victim was excommunicated by another bishop said he has received several letters for Harward and numerous callers have asked how Harward is doing and where to deliver food for him (C3 SLTribune 01/22/86)

24 January 1986 Friday
January is slowly dragging along but not fast enough for me. The weather has finally changed and the fog and cold weather has disappeared. The temperature is now in the high thirties and low forties.

Our Mountain Fuel Bill just came in the mail and from our last bill in December until now it has cost us $300. And we kept the thermostat down in the sixties so that goes to show how cold it’s been and how non-insulated this house is. It is depressing to have to pay that much money for a fuel bill and still be so cold. But we will be okay. Everything has a way of working out, I guess.

I can't believe how depressed I was during December because of the fog and cold. Just being able to see the sun shine has really lifted my spirits.

I am finally over my cold although I seem tired all the time. Its from not exercising I suppose. I haven't been to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting since before Christmas and I really need to find me a good meeting.

My wife is still looking for full time work since Taylor Maid just isn't cutting it. She's been applying up at the University but she is so discouraged because she can't seem to get hired anywhere.

Our cable TV was cancelled just the other day because we owed $7. Can you believe that? Well it’s just as well because it really sucks up too much of our time when we ought to be spending the money on food and the animals.

At my work it's still the same. I sit by myself at a computer all day. I don't have any friends at work like I did at Ticor in California. There aren’t any people here who really like me. I'm not Mormon enough with eight kids in preschool and four on a mission. Why am I so different? I thought I'm not supposed to have these feelings anymore.

The 19th of January was my dad's 61st birthday. When I called out there I only spoke to dad and not to mom as I usually do. It was the first time I ever called my dad to speak to him solely. It was really hard for me to do that but I felt like it was something I had to do, if not for him then for me. I asked him if he was having a nice birthday and he said at his age he didn't like birthdays.

I didn't get to send John F. C. a card for his thirty-fifth birthday but I did think about him a lot that day. Could I still be in love with John after all these years? Don’t those feelings ever go away? I wanted to send him a card but I couldn't find my old journal from last year that had his current address in it. I guess I could have called information in Oceanside and get his parent's address but I really didn't want to talk to him but rather just send him a card. The sound of his voice is too hard to listen to. Brings up too many memories.

I finished reading Woodward's biography of John Bulushi called "Wired". What a wasted life. He was a completely compulsive personality.

I've been following in the newspaper the story about this boy in Ogden, Clair Harwood, who has AIDS and is dying from it. He went to his bishop for spiritual reassurance during this time and instead he was excommunicated and told that he was not allowed to come back to church. The church embarrassed by all the negative publicity when it hit the national news wire, later came out saying that the Bishop Storehouse was providing Harwood with food and necessities.

But I am really disappointed in the LDS Church. I really don't understand their attitude. Christ came to save sinners and to heal the sick. The church just turns them away. My testimony of the LDS Church is at a all time low because of the way Harwood is being treated. Here this dying boy needs spiritual comforting at the hour of his greatest trial and the church kicks him in the face knowing that he will die in the state of excommunication. They washed their hands of him and salved their conscience by telling everyone, "Well we are feeding him." I don't know if I'm perfect enough to be a member of a perfect church.
• Additional Material L. Ron Hubbard, American writer and founder of Scientology died (1911-1986)
• Gordon MacRae, American musical actor, singer best remembered as Billy in Carousel died (1921-1986)

Additional Material 25 January 1986 "That's What Friends Are For" by Dionne & Friends number one song on national charts.

26 January 1986 Sunday
Today is such a pretty sunshiny day and it has been for a while. The temperature has been in the forties. I just can't say enough how much I hated December and that awful foggy gloom. Today's weather is how I remembered Utah's winters and it's not bad at all.

Today is the Super hype Bowl Sunday and the Patriots are playing the Bears. I am not interested in the least who wins. In fact my wife and I got out of the house and went to the movies to see "Clue". It was cute, especially the line, "Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage." My wife and I have not made love together in months. I don't know why but I am just not interested anymore. I am so bored with my life.

We were so broke last week because of our $300 fuel bill and I was super depressed over our finances when out of the blue came a $100 refund check from Ticor for my wife's dental insurance. She was so shocked because she still believes that blessings are only predicated on obedience. However I know that the Lord loves me regardless, and I do believe He is just knocking himself out trying to do good things for me.

My wife feels spiritually low because she hasn't been attending church but I don't. I do miss true fellowshipping but I never got that from the church. It was always conditional. I just don't feel the need to attend a temporary Ward or at least at this point in my life. I just don't believe anymore in a conditional God that only bestows blessings based on obedience. I am so confused and turned off by the church's rejection of that boy who is dying of AIDS.

Yesterday at the Salt Lake Library I was “cruised” by a man who wanted to have sex with me in the bathroom there. I wouldn't but it was such a turn on to me. Why? Do I miss male companionship that much? A sponsor of mine in O.A. once told me that I wasn't Gay but that I was just attracted to men because I needed their approval.

That explanation seemed satisfactory for a while until out of the blue in 1983, when we were living on Bernadel Place in Santa Ana California, I had an epiphany. Without even asking, the Lord told me in no uncertain terms that I was unhappy because I kept rejecting his gift to me. I was told that homosexuality was a gift from God that allowed me to see the world in an entirely different perspective and that I should stop rejecting the gift.

I just want to find out who I am and what my potential is. I am a creative person but I feel as if I am dying inside by trying to measure up to the standards imposed by un imaginative people who have set themselves up to be my judge. The church has a stifling effect on me.

If my wife can't understand that then she really doesn't have the soul of an artist. An artist shouldn't be restrained by conventionality. Creativity is a God-like process and the more I am creative the closer I feel to the divine and stand in awe of His Creations. I have things locked up in my mind that no one else has, and I am frustrated by trying to find a medium in which I can express myself. I want to paint. I want to write. I want more from life then trying to be a good Mormon boy, afraid of experiencing life. I need to make some mistakes so I can learn from them and grow.

God has given me a gift that I had for so long considered a weakness because it is scorned in this world. But this gift has always made me remember God often and made me learn to depend on His love and goodness. I no longer believe that any man or church can separate me from that love. I have come to believe that there is something intrinsically wrong with a church that believes it has the power and authority to separate a person from his savior.

27 January 1986 Monday
At work today I was so surprised to hear a program on Radio Free Utah just for Gay and Lesbian people. I was at my computer in my cubicle listening to this neat station KRCL which I had just discovered and that plays Reggae music when all of a sudden I heard some Dave Brubeck intro music lead into a woman’s voice saying “Welcome to Concerning Gays and Lesbians. If you are, know, or love someone who is Gay or Lesbians you will find the next half hour entertaining as well as informative.” I nearly shit a brick but turned the radio down as low as I could and listened while watching over my shoulder.

At the end of the program they gave out a list of organizations in Salt Lake that act as support groups for homosexuals. They had a number for a Gay group for Mormons called Affirmation. I wrote the number down but I'm too scared to call it.

28 January 1986 Tuesday
What a tragic day. The space shuttle Challenger, carrying the first school teacher into space and six other astronauts, exploded about 90 seconds after lift off. They say the explosion was as strong as a small nuclear bomb and that they were killed instantaneously as their families watched in horror and stunned disbelief from the launch pad.

I was at work when I heard the news. It went through the office like wild fire. It just didn't seem like it could be true because all the space flights seemed so routine and safe. Especially the space shuttles. They made it sound like you were just taking a bus in to outer space.

What is even more upsetting to me is that school children all over the nation were watching the event because of the fact that the Challenger was carrying the first teacher into space. It's so very sad. Christy McAuliffe was so excited about being the first civilian in space. She was a school teacher from Concord, New Hampshire.
I've been so depressed all day over this terrible event and it feels very similar as to when President Kennedy was shot. Everyone seems to be in shock. This was so unexpected. At lunch when I came home to watch the news I started to cry. This us the first news story in years that actually made me cry.

I think after the initial shock wears off space exploration will go on. Fifty thousand people die in car crashes each year and we don't stop driving. Plane crashes are killing hundreds of people each year and we keep on flying. I think I would go up in a rocket if I could.

But still it’s so sad about Christy McAuliffe. She was so bright and optimistic about her great adventure in space and then BOOM! It really is a loss. All those astronauts who died. The flags are to be flown at half mast for 7 days to honor the seven crew members of the Challenger. Ironically yesterday was the 19th anniversary of the fire on a launch pad that took the lives the first astronauts to die in space exploration.
• Additional Material Names of Challengers Crew: Greg Jarvis (b. 1944) Christa McAuliffe (b. 1948) Ronald McNair (b. 1950) Ellison Onizuka (b. 1946) Judith Resnik (b. 1949) Francis R. Scobee (b. 1939) Michael J. Smith (b. 1945)

31 January 1986 Friday
The rest of the month of January was spent with flags at half mast as the nation mourned the loss of the crew of the Challenger. The experts now think a small crack in the rocket's boosters acted like a blow torch igniting the rocket fuel which caused the explosion. They say the Astronauts never knew what hit them.
It is just calamitous and I think America's belief in the supremacy of its own technology has vanished with the Challenger. Perhaps very much in the same way the British felt after the Titanic sank.

I wonder if the school children who watched Christy McAuliffe get blown to kingdom come will be less trusting in space travel and its technology than my generation who were raised with the Apollo Programs and landing on the moon.

We were led to believe that the space shuttle was as safe as taking a bus. We know better now. And for the rest of my life I will now hold my breath each and every time a rocket ship takes off with precious human cargo on board. But I do feel we must go forward and I hope someday to be able to go into space as in Space Odyssey 2001.

The space shuttle disaster has over shadowed all other news and events and it has really brought home to me how short and fragile life is. We have no guarantees. I must find out who I am before I die.

I still haven't decided what to do about Affirmation. I lost the number I had for it so I will have to wait until Monday when the next program comes on KRCL. I almost feel compelled to call. I am scared but excited at the same time like an adventure is about to happen to me.

February 1986

2006-12-23T11:50:00.001-08:00

1 February 1986 Saturday:
I called our landlord today and said we could only pay half our rent until the 15th because our fuel bill is so high. If we don't pay it, they will cut it off. Gee I hated doing that.

I went to the LDS Genealogical Library and spent most of the day looking up my wife's Norwegian Ancestors in the 1840's. I don't know Norwegian but can figure enough out to find things.

I walked home from the Library, about two miles because it was such a pretty day and I didn't have the bus fare. It's only 40 cents but I didn't even have that on me.

In the evenings our married friends from Provo invited my wife and I to the show. We saw "Down and Out In Beverly Hills". I just love Bette Midler so I thought the movie was great: especially Matisse the dog. The theme of the movie was that rich or poor if you don't have people in your life that love you, then you really don't have much.
Additional Material Vice Squad arrested 12 people in a drug raid at the Sun Club. Seven of those arrested were Sun employees. Attorney Howard Johnson represented the Sun against the city. The vice squad prompted the city to hold a hearing with the department of business to take away the Sun’s business license. Joe Redburn as owner of the Club stated that closing the Club would hurt paying off creditors since the private club had been in Chapter 11 bankruptcy. The Sun began requesting “from our patrons a cover charge of one dollar for members and $4 for non members for a legal defense fund.”
• "That's What Friends Are For" by Dionne & Friends number one song on national Charts.

3 February 1986 Monday:
While listening to Radio Free Utah's program "Concerning Gays and Lesbians" at work, they mentioned at the end of the show a list of organizations and their phone numbers. I wrote down the numbers for Affirmation, the Metropolitan Community Church, and Gay Alcoholics Anonymous. Now that I have these numbers what do I do with them?

4 February 1986 Tuesday
While at the central library downtown, near the men's room on the 3rd floor, I was “cruised” again by this guy wanting sex. I was so turned on by his making a pass at me but I was petrified to do anything. Then this third man blatantly came up to the two of us and makes a pass at us and invites us over to his apartment at the Ben Albert on 5th East. I was drawn to these guys like a magnate, even thought my head kept saying, "No! No! No!"

I drove over to this kid's place where we fumbled getting out of our clothes and falling upon each other as we scrambled into bed. After we were spent of our passions and before I could start feeling guilty something simply illuminating happened. We began to talk.

We began to talk openly about being Gay. I awkwardly confessed that I was a married man, sure that they would shrink from me but they simply said that it didn't matter to them. We laid in bed, in a bond of sweet familiarity, and we began to talk about our work, our feelings, and strangely even our relationships with our fathers. We talked about so much more then that but because my senses are reeling I cannot recall all that we talked about. It was magic. It was unbelievably soul fulfilling.

For the first time in my thirty-four years I am really communicating. I am communicating with people who speak the same language that I do. I am finally talking to people I can understand and who understand me! To say that I was almost giddy is not quite right because I also almost wanted to cry; because something deep and longing within me, long parched and barely viable, was being renewed, reborn, saved.

I realized during this epiphany that I have spent the majority of my life as a wanderer in a foreign land, among people, while appearing to be like me, are not. I even learned to speak their language which is truly not mine and I have learned it well enough to communicate fluently with them, enough to pass among them, but I am not of them. I always knew that fundamentally there is no understanding between us. But now, today with these beautiful men I discovered that there are others like me who are seemingly also strangers in a strange land and who like I, have been searching for others of our kind.

I can't explain it any better then this. Something transcendental poured through me today. Call it my Gay Pentecostal revival. It is soul satisfying to be with your own kind. It is like I was dying of thirst and being with these men, I reached an oasis of clear cool water from which all thirst has been quenched.

I want male sex so much but I am afraid of what the guilt will do to my marriage and my relationship to the church. What about my wife? We have been married for nine years and I love her so much but this is something so basic to my nature. So deep in me and is a well spring of my entire being. Even if my wife could forgive me for what I did today, would the church? I think not.

But it feels so right, so good, being with these men. I feel like I have come into my own, finally. I am therefore resolved to come to terms with my sexuality no matter where it leads me. I have no choice. Something deep within me, struggling to stay alive compels me. If I don't go forward with this I literal feel like I will die.

O Father in Heaven, help me find out who I am and why I am. If being Gay is not an issue with you but indeed a spiritual gift to me then help me learn what I must do. Like Lot’s wife I must not look back.

6 February 1986 Thursday:
I called the Salt Lake Affirmation's hot line number and spoke only to a recording. Thank God! I was afraid I would have to speak to some one live. I am not ready for that. The recording said that Affirmation meets downtown at the Crossroads Urban Center, twice a month on Wednesdays. Yesterday was the first meeting of February so I missed that one. There won't be another meeting until the 17th.

My wife will want to know where I am going that night. I hate to lie but I will simply tell her that I am going to an Overeater's Anonymous meeting. If I told her the truth, I'm afraid that she would freak out. Besides if Affirmation is too weird, I'll never go back and none will be the wiser.

7 February 1986 Friday:
This week has gone fast and nothing special going on at work. Today my wife went out to dinner with her Taylor Maid friends so I decided to go up to the University of Utah and sit in the sauna there in the HPER* Building. I need to soak my pores and get some of the toxins out. To be truthful I know I like sitting in the sauna for other reasons too. Why are men such a turn on?
Additional Material -*Health, Physical Education, and Recreation Building

Additional Material 8 February 1986- Elder Antonio A. Feliz and Pamela Calkins and David Ewing addressed a dozen curiosity seekers in Salt Lake Public Library representing The Restoration Church of Jesus Christ. Purpose was “to see if there was a need for a branch of the church here, and if so, what the reception would be.” Antonio Feliz co-founder stated: “We have established a church based on the Mormon beliefs set forth by the first prophet of the Mormon Churches, Joseph Smith…We feel that the Lord is guiding our steps for the blessing of all people, including Gay and Lesbians.
• The Restoration Church of Jesus Christ, alternately known as the Church of Jesus Christ of All Latter-day Saints, provides a setting in which Gay and Lesbian Mormons can practice the faith of their fathers and mothers supportive of their needs. The RCJC is set up similarly to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter- day Saints, with a First Presidency (presently Douglas B. Madrid, President, and Larry Tidwell, Counselor) and Quorum of the Twelve (Robert McIntier, President). They accept as scripture the four standard works of the LDS Church, the Lectures of Faith, which were included in the original 1835 edition of the Doctrine and Covenants, the RLDS D&C (in a limited sense), and their own book of revelations, Hidden Treasures and Promises. They operate a Temple, which is actually more a Tabernacle after the style of the Israelites' mobile Beth Elohim.
• The Restoration Church was founded in August 1985 by Antonio A. Feliz, Lamar Hamilton, John Crane, Pamela Calkins and other members of the Los Angeles Chapter of Affirmation. It is sometimes called the "Gay Mormon Church" due to its overwhelmingly homosexual membership. Antonio A. Feliz by revelation originally named the church the Church of Jesus Christ of All Latter Day Saints, but when The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints informed him of their intent to sue, he changed the name to legally the Restoration Church of Jesus Christ. At a church conference in Sacramento, California, in May 1987, Antonio A. Feliz resigned as president after a vote of no confidence. He was succeeded by Robert A. McIntier, an engineer, current president of the church (as of 2006).
• A Brief Overview of the History and Teachings of the Restoration Church of Jesus Christ from their web site; The Restoration Church of Jesus Christ was officially organized in Los Angeles, California, in 1985. Most of the original members were people who had been excommunicated from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints ("Mormons") because of their sexual orientation. These were good people who loved the Lord and His gospel. They wanted to serve Him, and keep the commitments they had made to Him, both at the waters of baptism and (in some cases) in His holy temple. But they were not allowed because they refused to deny who they really were. These people believed that the Lord was willing to reveal Himself to ALL people who would strive to keep His commandments. They believed then, and we are witnesses today, that the Lord can and does reveal Himself "...to persons of all nations, kindreds, tongues, and peoples according to their own understanding, culture, time, and society." (Mission Statement) Those things which God has revealed to the leaders of this church are compiled in a book called Hidden Treasures and Promises, which we accept along with "traditional" restoration scriptures as the word of the Lord to us. We believe that there are many churches who have great truth for the benefit of all who seek it, and we do not claim to be "the only true church." We believe that the LDS and RLDS churches do a great service in their part of the Lord's work, but we also testify that God has called us to extend the blessings of the Gospel to those who cannot be reached by these and other restoration churches. We testify that God has called prophets and apostles from among our people, in addition to those whom He has called among other peoples. We believe the role of the Church is not to dominate our lives, but to be a tool, which we may choose to use, in furthering our own spiritual progression. It is the duty of each individual, not the Church, to do those things which will lead to Eternal lives. We believe in the Holy Priesthood, and we claim all of its benefits for all who are willing to accept the responsibility that goes with it, including women. The sacred authority to seal loving individuals for time and all eternity also exists among us, and is used to bless the lives of those who are prepared to keep the covenants that go with this blessing, regardless of their race, gender, or sexual orientation. Our local units are called "families," rather than wards or stakes. We feel this better describes their functions, because for many, their Church associations are the only family they can really turn to for help in some of the most important aspects of their lives. We have organized families and/or individual members in many parts of the country. We are legally incorporated in the states of California and Utah. We invite all who seek the truth to investigate our claims, because we know that the Spirit of the Lord will confirm our witness to those who sincerely seek to know about us.
• Antonio (Tony) Feliz was a High Priest in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. A graduate of BYU, he worked for the Church in various capacities including service in the Church Welfare System and served as the Director of Church Welfare for the Andean Region of the LDS Church during the 1970's. He is the father of three children. In the process of doing some research in the Church archives, he ran across some information concerning Joseph Smith, Wilford Woodruff, and others, that bothers him. He begins to read the early documents to support the idea that same sex unions can be blessed as well as heterosexual unions. He also reads in the early documents the idea that women were ordained to priesthood during Joseph Smith's years. Both practices were discontinued after Joseph's death. Central to Feliz's premise is that priesthood authority can be exercised outside the auspices of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He believes that the endowments he received while in the Church are still with him, and he needs no permission to continue exercising this authority. As he distanced himself more and more from the modern-day Church, he found himself more and more attracted to the raw religion of the early Joseph Smith days. He authored a book Out of the Bishop's Closet in 1992 detailing his coming out and spiritual journey but excluding any of his experiences as a leader in the Restoration Church, and Becoming Open Souls, “an unabashedly theological work which explores the connection between the LDS church and Native American traditions”.
• "When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Get Going" by Billy Ocean is number one song on national charts

Additional material 9 February 1986 Comet Halley reaches its perihelion, the closest point to the Earth, during its second visit to the solar system in the 20th Century.

Additional material 14 February 1986 The Murray School District policy on AIDS follows recommendations from the CDC in Atlanta calls for a student to be placed in an alternative study program away from school when AIDS is first diagnosed. Employees with the disease will not be allowed to work until a decision is made in how to deal with the problem. A contracted employee may be entitled to benefits while off the job. (B3 SLTribune)

Additional Material 15 February 1986 “How Will I Know" by Whitney Houston number one song on national charts

17 February 1986 Wednesday
I can't believe that I went to Affirmation, a support group for Gay and Lesbian Mormons. They meet at seven-thirty p.m. at 347 South 400 East in an old two story Victorian House. I was so nervous about going for the first time that I sat in my car for twenty minutes deciding whether to go inside or go home.

It was the same gut wrenching feeling I had back in 1971 when I paced back and forth deciding whether to attend a Gay Student group on the campus of Cal-State Fullerton. And that did not go well. All kinds of fearful thoughts flooded my mind. What if some one I know sees me? What if the police are there? What if...What if... What if... I was paralyzing myself with what ifs.

Finally around a quarter to eight I saw some guys go inside the building who I felt were obviously Gay so I steeled my nerve and decided to get out of the car. I thought to myself, "What do I care if they think I am Gay or not? They must be Gay themselves or they wouldn't be here either."

Steadied by this bit of strange logic, I walked across the street, climbed the porch steps, and entered the Crossroads Urban Center for the first time. Crossing the threshold, to my left I saw an open parlor filled with couches and men sitting on them. I knew that there was no going back now. I had crossed the Rubicon.

I nonchalantly sauntered in, treating the meeting the same as I would an OA session. I found a seat and discreetly started to observe then men in the room. I must say that I was slightly turned on at first being in a room with so many Gay men at one time. There must have been nine or ten men there. I couldn't help looking them over. They all seemed normal enough.

A kid named Paul, dressed in levis and kind of a hippie with a pony tail, about 25 years old, was the moderator of the group. He welcomed everyone to the meeting and then this skinny blond boy named Gordon J. stood up. He had on a leather civil war looking cap and a levi vest and spoke with a Southern accent. Gordon asked if they could start the meeting with a prayer, but Paul vetoed that idea. He did agree to have a poetry reading as a spiritual opening for the meeting. Then Gordon spoke up again to announce that Elders from a group calling themselves The Church of Jesus Christ of All Latter Day Saints were coming to Salt Lake to tell of the founding of a Gay Mormon Church.

Paul told Gordon that he was welcome to attend Affirmation but not to proselytize for this new church. Gordon was put out and I think had his feelings hurt. I found it all fascinating! It was thrilling to hear people actually conversing about being Gay and Mormon without the usual guilt trips.

Since the meeting was geared to being more or less a consciousness raising rap group of sorts, I was comfortable joining in with the others to talk about my experiences in the church as a Gay man. I introduced myself to the group as Edgar which felt kind of weird. I didn't really want to share my real name with the group but in actuality my so called fake name is my real name. Bizarre I know. But I have gone down the rabbit hole where I know things will get "curiouser and curiouser".

On the whole, I really enjoyed my Affirmation experience. It felt like a safe place to talk about being Gay and Mormon and to express myself to people who understand my language. I am going to go back but the next meeting isn't for two weeks and then it will be March. I am also very interested in meeting with those

Additional Material 18 February 1986 State Senator Jack Bangerter (R-Bountiful) introduced bill in Utah Legislature to make it a 3rd degree felony to knowingly transmit a communicable disease. Bill was intended to punish people with AIDS. Bill was killed in Senate ten-14.

Additional Material 19 February 1986 The Soviet Union launches the Mir space station.

Additional Material 20 February 1986- Michael Aaron, Gay and Lesbian liaison to the Utah State Senate District 1 sought an amendment to an existing Heath Department appropriation bill to provide funding for AIDS education. Senator Terry Williams (D-SLC) spokesman for the measure. To date agencies such as the Salt Lake AIDS Foundation have not received funding from the state.

Additional Material 22 February 1986- The In-between opens at 579 West 2nd South. Grand opening held for the In-between which occupied the building once known as the Three Aces. Bar owners were Bob Dubray and his lover Donny Eastepp. Home bar of the Gay Rodeo Association. Dubray is president of the Gay Rodeo Association while Donny Eastepp served as Mr. Utah Gay Rodeo for the past two years. Bobby Joe Dubray died 18 Sept 1990 age 42 of AIDS. Donald Eastepp born 19 February 1961 died July 1, 2004 in Houston Texas of complications from AIDS.
• How Will I Know" by Whitney Houston number one song on national charts

Additional Material 25 February 1986 Michael Dan Buttars died of AIDS at age 38, co-creator of perennial barbed witted “Saturday’s Voyeur”. Michael Dan Buttars was born in Lewiston, Cache County Utah on April 17, 1948 to Ted and Nadean Buttars. He died in Los Angeles, CA, on February 25, 1986.
• President Ferdinand Marcos of the Philippines goes into exile in Hawaii after 20 years of rule; Corazon Aquino becomes the first Filipino woman president, first as an interim president.

Additional Material 26 February 1986 Five new cases of AIDS have been reported in Utah this year all within the Wasatch Front. The reports bring the total number of Utah victims to thirty-five since 1980. Roughly ½ of those patients and 2 who reported disease since January 1 have died. Of the five new 1986 cases all the patients are male and members of high risk group. Those afflicted with AIDS in Utah include 3 females and 2 children, who were male have died as have two of the 3 women. (C8 SLTribune)
• In Fealty and homage Gay royalty from all over the western United States and Canada convened in San Francisco over a weekend in late February for the Last Walk of The Imperial Butterfly Galactica Court of Empress Sissy Spaceout and the coronation of their successors. The Third International Court Conference of the Americas was held in conjunction with the coronation.

Additional material 27 February 1986 The United States Senate allows its debates to be televised on a trial basis.

28 February 1986 Friday
My wife and I spent much of February trying to stay on top of our bills which were compounded by very high fuel bills. My wife only made $100 during the whole month and that didn't even begin to pay the gas bill. Half of my month's salary went to pay rent alone.

It would have been a tough month with just the two of us but on the 15th last, Tony S., the twenty-two year old son of a friend of my wife, asked if he could stay with us while he looked for work in Salt Lake. My wife felt like she had to for her friend's sake. Tony and I have nothing in common. He's a fairly good looking kid but between the two of them I have really felt put upon for the past two weeks.

Not only am I the only one working full time, I had to cook dinner, and manage to scrape up enough food for all of us. I am just wearing myself out. The house is a wreck unless I clean it. I cook the food, do the grocery shopping, and when those two are together I feel completely shut out. They play games, they laugh and tell stories, while I worry about how I am going to keep this all together.

One of the reasons we were so broke was a $150 phone bill my wife racked up that I had to pay to keep it from being disconnected.

Shortly after Tony came to live with us, my wife's nephew and his buddy called me at four-thirty a.m. to take them back to Camp Williams after spending the night out drinking. Since our car's heater is broken, I had to drive with my window partially down to keep the windshield from fogging up and I caught a cold again. I've been sick for two weeks but not nearly as miserable as I was in January. I think that is one of the reasons I am so aggravated with Tony and my wife.

At work Bob put me totally in charge of entering all the title searches in the computer to search the General Index. I don't have to do searches myself any more unless I want to. I have created my own little department, my own niche, where my boss can't push me because he doesn't understand what I am doing.

I still don't have any people at work who I could call friends. Lynn F. and I hang out because we are both outsiders. The rest of the people I work with are typical Mormons, distrustful of those without a solid Utah connection. I think the main reason I don't have a lot of friends at work is because I don't go along with the flow. For example I stand up for human rights and call people on the carpet when they say totally asinine things.

Like last January, Coretta King, the widow of Martin Luther King Jr., came to Utah to lobby the state legislature to make her late husband's birthday a state holiday.

I think Arizona and we are the last hold outs in the nation. Almost everyone at work was so upset that they might even consider Martin Luther King's birthday for holiday. It pissed me off so I left work and went up to the First Baptist Church on 13th East to hear Mrs. King speak. I had my own reasons also. I needed to atone for my teenage racial prejudice.

The state compromised over the issue and officially made Martin Luther King's birthday a state holiday but they called the day "Human Rights Day" rather then honor Dr. King. Even this made people at work mad. I know that it is not my job to change their thinking but I do let these narrow minded kids know that their bigoted views won't go unchallenged. At least by me.

Also in the news the Marcos government in the Philippines was over thrown. I really didn't think Marcos would ever give up his power over a country he ruled as a dictator for 20 years. He's in Hawaii now with millions of dollars he looted from the Philippine people. I think he should be shot but our President Reagan couldn't wait to give him refuge like we did the Shah of Iran. Well enough of that.

The weather has been absolutely beautiful for the past two weeks and very spring like. The cold and the inversions are gone and the temperatures have been in the mid-sixties. Plants are starting to bud and it is really nice outside. We deserve the break after such a nasty December and January

March 1986

2006-12-23T11:49:00.000-08:00

1 March 1986 Saturday:
Such a pretty, almost spring like day. People are outside washing their cars and doing yard work. The air smells so clean and fresh. I cleaned the house while my wife went off to Taylor Maid. My little dog Toby is sound a sleep, laying in the sunshine in the front room. He sure likes being nice and warm. So this is March! I wonder what you will bring to me besides the warmth of spring. I had a longing to hear John F. C.'s voice. When I called him his mother said he was on his way to Vegas.
Additional Material March 1986- First Issue of The TRIANGLE Magazine published by Triangle Publications. Editor-Scott Dunn, Art Director-Michael Aaron, Contributing Artist-Mark Skeem, Distribution Manager-Richard McCall , Business Manager- John Sasserman. Featured Article was on the Restoration Church of Jesus Christ
• Rick Shenkman reporter for KUTV charged that the LDS Church censored an AIDS story by Glen Warchol of the Deseret News. Warchol stated that his article claimed that AIDS has placed bishops and stake presidents in a dilemma. These lay leaders of the Mormon congregations feel the compassion and understanding they can offer AIDS patients is limited by Mormon policy toward homosexuality.”
• "Kyrie" by Mr. Mister number one song on national charts

Additional Material 2 March 1986 The first meeting of Wasatch Affirmation held at the home of Randy H. in Sugarhouse, to gather interest in forming a new group under the leader ship of Russell Lane. The Wasatch Affirmation, a Support Group for Gay and Lesbian Mormons was established by Russell Lane. Russ Lane the Wasatch Chapter director had recently returned to Salt Lake City from San Jose, California where he was also a chapter director. Wasatch Affirmation founded to establish a chapter based on the National Charter. “Its meetings are for people, friends, who can share experiences, information, support, and encouragement. Its activities are designed for meeting others in a social environment that differs from bars, bath houses, or other places that have been negatively stereotyped. Its policy to adhere to the Word of Wisdom at Affirmation functions contributes to a unique way of life--the life of a gay latter-day Saint”.

4 March 1986 Tuesday:
My wife got $9 in tips yesterday so we decided to treat our selves to a movie. We went and saw Woody Allen's Hannah and Her Sisters and loved it.

5 March 1986 Wednesday:
I went to Affirmation for the second time tonight. It was easier to go into the meeting this time. Paul led the meeting again, starting it off by reading a poem. Gordon J. was not at the meeting so I wonder if he got mad from his treatment last time. During the meeting we talked about the church's attitude towards Gays and the people there detailed their experiences with the church. I even talked about my being disfellowshipped back in 1976, for the first time in public and in real depth. It felt so good to get a lot of the hurt I have been carrying all these years out and especially to people with similar experiences and who could commiserate.

I found out tonight that this guy named John Cooper, who about 40 years old is the real leader of Affirmation. It is his phone number that is given out on the program Concerning Gays and Lesbians. I am feeling much more relax at the meeting now. It feels less likely that some church goon squad is going to arrest us for talking about the church.

Additional Material March 6 1986 Georgia O'Keeffe, American artist best known for her paintings of flowers suggestive of women’s sexual organs died. (1887-1986)

8 March 1986 Saturday:
Yesterday I went down to Mountain Fuel to make a payment schedule so our gas won't be turned off. I don't think we are going to have anymore really cold weather like December and January but my wife is freaked out about having the heat switched off. We owe over $300 on the fuel bill. It’s no longer spring like weather but it only rained today instead of snow so for that I am grateful.
Additional Material Japanese spacecraft Suisei flies by Halley's Comet, studying its UV hydrogen corona and solar wind.
• "Kyrie" by Mr. Mister number one song on national charts

Additional Material 9 March 1986 United States Navy divers find the largely intact but heavily-damaged crew compartment of the Space Shuttle Challenger; the bodies of all 7 astronauts are still inside.
• The 2nd meeting of Wasatch Affirmation held at Randy H.’s home in Sugar House with a pot luck dinner

10 March 1986 Monday
My wife is at a YWCA meeting for unemployed women so I am home watching a TV show called Dressed Gray which is pretty good. It's about the murder of a homosexual at an undergrad cadet academy.

There are changes on the horizon at Utah Title. My boss is leaving soon to start his own title company in St. George and Bob is going to be taking his place.

We are low on funds as usual and living on credit which is the fastest way I know to go in the hole. I haven't heard a word back from the school districts, where I have been applying, either. I guess Utah's schools are in turmoil anyway with talks of a teacher's strike this fall.

President Ray-Gun wants $100 million sent to Central America for the Contras. He actually said that if Congress doesn't give him the money he wants, then American soldiers may be deployed there. I have always said Reagan is a president in search of a war. Bonzo Goes to War.

Listening to Radio Free Utah this morning, I heard Bishop Tutu of South Africa relate the effects of Apartheid on his country. For the first time, I finally got it. I finally understood the evil of a political system that allows an uneducated 18 year old white man to vote while denying the same right to an educated 60 year old black man. Bishop Tutu, as articulate as he is, can not vote simply because of the color of his skin. Ridiculous.

Concerning Gays and Lesbians came on following the program with Bishop Tutu. Their guest was Elder Antonio Feliz of the Church of Jesus Christ of All Latter Day Saints.

He told the co-hosts that the church was brought forth to bring the gospel to the despised and rejected of this world. And who are more despised and rejected then Gay men and women? I liked what I heard on the program. It touched my spirit.

I have been struggling with the Mormon Church to understand my place in it. From the very beginning I have been made to feel like I was an outsider. I am also torn by many of its doctrines which support conservative dogmas which I do not believe are supported by the teachings of Jesus Christ or Joseph Smith. In my heart I cannot accept anymore certain precepts that they teach, with blind obedience. I believe many of the teachings of the church are completely alien to the gospel of Jesus Christ. I do believe in the restored gospel of the Prophet Joseph Smith but I am not sure I have a place in the Corporation of the First Presidency Church that professes to be the direct successor to the church founded by Joseph Smith in 1830.

Christ made it clear that His kingdom is not of this world and that the Kingdom of God is within us. So why do Mormons insist on building up a kingdom in this world? I thought we were not to treasure up the things of this world? I don't understand it anymore.

Christ also said that the kingdom of God was like a mustard seed that would grow to accommodate all the birds of the world. Where do Gay birds fit within the Mormon vision of that mustard tree? They are so quick to expel any bird that does not conform to its narrowly defined code of conduct which I find neither very Christian nor inspired. I think I will have to investigate this new Restored Church.
Additional Material Ray Milland, Classic Hollywood actor best remembered for portraying an alcoholic in Lost Weekend (1905-1986)

12 March 1986 Wednesday
While listening to Radio Free Utah at work, I heard this man claim that men are taught to hate other men because of the competitive world we live in. He stated that in sports men are taught to hate losing and therefore in effect to hate losers. In the real world, since most of us are losers in society, in some form or another, men develop a sense of self hatred. This man went on to say that in a non competitive world, there would be nothing to struggle against and thus we would have the beginnings of a non violent society. His arguments were very interesting to me and in some ways capsulated why I have a hard time with organized sports that pit people against people. I always preferred games where people compete against personal bests not each other. I wonder if we will ever teach young people skills where we all can win?

I went to Affirmation again today. There were at least fifteen people there the biggest turn out that I have seen. I feel very comfortable attending the meeting now. I feel more like a regular then a newcomer. Gordon J. was at the meeting again and announced that Church of Jesus Christ of All Latter Day Saints is having Sacrament Meetings at the Crossroads Urban Center on Sundays. The rest of the meeting was facilitated by John Cooper. Paul wasn't here tonight.

13 March 1986 Thursday
Changes are taking place at Utah Title; however I don't know how they will affect me yet. I took off during my lunch hour and drove to the University of Utah where Geraldine Ferraro was to speak at noon. Ferraro is the first woman nominated to run for the office of Vice Presidency of the United States. However her plane was delayed and she didn't give her talk until after 1 p.m. and I had to return to work.

I can't believe how quickly gas prices are falling. Right now you can get unleaded gas at 81 cents a gallon when just last December we were paying a $1.25! The price for a barrel of oil keeps falling and as it does the price of gasoline is going down. It sure is good on the old pocketbook. Still its hard to absorb the change so quickly. It's like what they call future shock.

President Reagan still wants Congress to send money to the Contras in Central America. I say let's stay out of it. If we would not have supported the Samoza's dictatorship for all these years perhaps we wouldn't have the Communists sympathizers in Central America in the first place. When Vice President Bush was CIA director he made deals with the devils down there all over the place. I am sure it won't be long until we have advisors there training the Contras and then WHAM it’s another Viet Nam.

I've been thinking about the Savior lately and my personal relationship to Him and what the gospel means to me. I have decided to go to church services, of the All LDS Sacrament meeting, this Sunday at the Crossroad Urban Center. I don't make this decision lightly because attending this meeting is something I could be excommunicated for by the LDS Church. But I don't seem to care anymore. I joined the Mormon Church in 1972 when I was 21 years. I have been in the church my entire adult life and I still do not feel welcomed. Upon hearing Elder Feliz on the radio, for the first time in a long time, I feel excited about religion again.

As I said I have never truly felt quite at home in the Mormon Church but since I was taught the restored gospel there, I use to feel that they had it all. I am not so sure anymore. I am not sure if the Corporation of the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has a place for me, without my being so utterly deformed so that I can conform to their vision of what the gospel is. If the gospel is to be preached to Jew and Gentile; is it not also to embrace Gay and Straight?

I am beginning to really feel as the LDS church is so constricted by the Law of Moses that it is entirely incapable of mobilizing to meet my needs anymore. Isn't the one as important as the many?

Then there is this divisiveness that prevails in Salt Lake City between the haves and the have nots. Why is there a west and east side to Salt Lake City? That question has always bothered me ever since I moved here in 1976. The west part of town is ghetto-ized by the indifference of the eastsiders. And the west keeps creeping further east! I am almost at the 3rd East block in SLC and yet we are considered on the west side. I don't want to get caught up in western-materialism where even Mormons feel that if someone is rich God is blessing them for being good.

All I really understand anymore is that my Father in Heaven only requires two things from me. That is to love Him with all my mind, strength, and being and to love one another as I love myself. It really seems so simple. God does not care what we do as long as we do it out of love for Him and each other. I feel like I am changing inside myself faster then I can momentarily comprehend. It's too much to think about right now. Good night. It rained most of the morning but the weather was fine for most of the day.
Additional Material GAY VIOLENCE Terry William Cunard alias Steven L. Fox B1-6 see also3/19 B2-5, 4/11 B5-1, March 2 B-2/4 July 11 B11-1 Preying upon vulnerable Gay men.

Additional Material 15 March 1986 “Sara” by Jefferson Starship is number one song on national charts.

16 March 1986 Sunday
I attended church for the first time since returning to Utah last August. It was not my local LDS Church Ward either. I went to what was the third meeting of the Church of Jesus Christ of All Latter Day Saints here in Salt Lake City.

I had heard from Gordon J. that the meetings were held at the Crossroads Urban Center around 2:00 p.m. so I came about a half hour early. There was just one other person downstairs in the foyer, a pleasant looking young fellow but we did not speak. I dared not or I was afraid I would bolt from the place. I just sat down on one of the old couches in the parlor and waited to see what was happening.

Eventually this sweet looking older man, dressed in a comfortable business suit, came down the stairs, noticed me, introduced himself as Elder Lamar Hamilton and welcomed me. He then talked to the young man whose name is David Ewing telling him that the business meeting was taking longer then expected and that Sacrament wouldn't be ready until two-thirty.

After Elder Hamilton disappeared back upstairs, David and I began to visit some. He is the Church's historian so I asked him about the background of the church. He told me little except that church was started in Los Angeles last August by members of the Los Angeles Chapter of Affirmation. Coincidently the church was started on the very same day I had left California to return to Utah. He also said that Elder Hamilton as well as Elder Feliz were instrumental in organizing the church.

Ewing had come to Salt Lake City from Los Angeles with the men upstairs to bring the church to Salt Lake City. Ewing said they had been busy having been on Radio Free Utah, talked to some of the Gay organizations, I can't remember which, and the church was even featured in a Gay magazine called the Triangle. Ewing showed me a copy of it and the church was on its cover. I guess the magazine is brand new.

At two-thirty, Ewing and I went upstairs to a central meeting room where several other men were already sitting and waiting for Sacrament to begin. Lamar Hamilton, the man who had welcomed me downstairs conducted the meeting while Antonio A. Feliz presided. Elder Feliz was who I had heard on Concerning Gays and Lesbians. The only person in the room whom I knew from before was Gordon B. J.. He was that blond Southern boy from Norfolk, Virginia, who first brought the church to my attention.

It was a very informal Sacrament meeting but felt very familiar. The bread and water was blessed and we sang LDS Hymns. I did not take the Sacrament. I came strictly to observe and to learn what this church is all about. I learned that Elder Feliz and Elder Hamilton were like the presidency or something similar. Elder Feliz was not at all what I expected. He was very polished, very aware of his image. I imagine that he's in his late forties or early fifties. He's Latin and his hair has gone salt and pepper. Kind of a slick Caesar Romero. Something about his aural made me skeptical although his words were soothing and authoritative. He could speak LDS-ese very well.

Elder Feliz's talk was on the priesthood. He basically stated that since priesthood is eternal and originated before there was any Church authority, it can never really be taken away and it can be exercised outside of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He stated that he doesn't need permission to continue exercising his priesthood authority and that all churches that have received priesthood authority from Joseph Smith are valid. There's no doubt that Elder Feliz is eloquent and what he said about the priesthood being eternal made sense to me.

But it was Elder Hamilton who spoke to my spirit not my intellect. When he talked, he said something seemingly out of the blue that just grabbed a hold of me. He said that we are only bound to what he called the Royal Law, that being the two greatest commandments to love God and one's neighbor. He said that they are truly the only requirements for a Christian life. The Holy Spirit seemed to witness to me that the words of Elder Hamilton were true and all my fears about this church being some type of wacky cult dissipated.

I feel like God is bringing about a new beginning to bless the lives of his Gay and Lesbian children and all others who had a belief in the message of the Restored Gospel.

As the meeting was winding down, I took note of the others attending this Sacrament meeting. There were probably nine men including myself. They were Elders Hamilton and Feliz of course, Gordon B. Jones, David Ewing, Bob McIntier, who had to leave early because he is on the Board of Directors of the Metropolitan Community Church, Jon B., a handsome man with a neatly trimmed beard who sat quiet all through the meeting, and Russ Lane, a tall lanky handsome Scottish looking man. I was mostly impressed by Elder Hamilton and the vibrant enthusiasm of Russ Lane.

After closing prayer, Russ Lane invited everyone to an Affirmation meeting. I was really confused at first but Russ said that this one is different from the Salt Lake Affirmation. I told Russ that I would come back for his meeting.

I left the Crossroads Urban Center riding on a cloud. I felt uplifted and committed to further attending the meetings of the Church of Jesus Christ of All Latter Day Saints. In fact I knew that I had to come clean with my wife and tell her what I have been doing.

At home I sat her down and told her that I had been attending Affirmation, a support group for Gay Mormons and not Overeaters Anonymous. I took a deep breath and then also told her that I had been at a so-called Apostate church meeting and that I am going back tonight to attend another Affirmation meeting.

She took it really well and so I asked her if she would like to come with me to Affirmation. I was not really surprised when she said yes because my wife is a people person and likes to socialize so much so that if I said we were going to a snake eating contest, she would grab her coat and away we would go. She loves to meet new people and that is one of the qualities of hers that I really love.

Affirmation was at seven p.m. at the Crossroads Urban Center and there was a much larger turn out for it then there were for church maybe about fifteen people. Russ Lane conducted the meeting and his enthusiasm for the group is just contagious. I felt the spirit so much stronger at this meeting then at the Wednesday Night group. I almost feel disloyal saying that because I love that group for helping me come out of the closet. That was the first place I had ever admitted in public that I was a Gay married man, Jeez!

It was really fun for my wife and I to get out and meet new people. When my wife introduced herself to the group, she said she had no problems being here because she has always liked fags! Then she said I even married one. That got a laugh. But it's true. Prior to marrying my wife her best friend was a Gay guy named Michael.

At home I talked to my wife about how strongly I feel about joining this Gay church and it freaks her out to no end. But I feel like the Savior wants be to be apart of this new movement and if it be of God, it will stand. When Lamar Hamilton's spirit spoke to me, I had a witness that the spirit of the Lord is with this undertaking. There is something new and exciting in the air and I want to be a part of it. I want the anointing of the spirit. It was amazing that all the things that I heard spoken at Sacrament Meeting, were words that the Lord had already told me in my own way.

This feeling reminds me of how much the Lord loves all and it echoes from my past when the Lord tried to use me back in 1972 when I was too young and fragile to understand the meaning of a Jaredite Priesthood. But now someone is also preaching the same message to be kind, to be gentle, to be loving, to be charitable, and to love God with all thy mind, heart, and soul and all will be well.

Aligning myself with this church does make me nervous and fearful of being hated for being Gay but if God is with us who can be against us. I feel like I have been reborn. A new beginning. And so many neat people! Gay people! My wife now knows the direction that my life is heading. I don't have to sneak around and lie to her about where I go. Big question. How will this affect our marriage? Don't know. I know I can't go back to my former life. If I do I shall be as dead as a pillar of salt.

I heard on the news that Clair Harwood died of AIDS at St. Benedict Hospital in Ogden. He was only 26 years old. I have been given a second chance to live my life.
Additional Material: Robert McIntier is a descendant of Utah Mormon Pioneers Robert McIntier and Catherine Rose.

18 March 1986 Tuesday
I am having a very hard time keeping up with this journal but I feel like I must really try to record the events of this year as accurately as I can. I know it will only be through my eyes and perception, and I wonder if that can ever be considered truly accurate, but it’s a beginning.

At work I am being jerked around by my boss who is on a power trip because he can not stand the fact that he doesn't know what I am doing or how. But he knows I get results, so he agreed to let me stay in my department for a little while longer until he gets another wild hair up his butt. Because of other changes at Utah Title I guess they will be hiring two new title examiners.

My wife is tired tonight and she fell asleep as I was reading to her revelations from the Hidden Treasures and Promises. They are a collection of revelations given to people in the Restoration Church regarding its organization. Most are written by Antonio Feliz but some are by others.

As I understand it, the Restoration Church sees itself somewhat like the Reorganized LDS Church. The founders believe that God has to raise up a new church because the LDS Church refuses to preach the Gospel to all nations, kindreds, and tongues, because they will not preach the Gospel to practicing homosexuals. Therefore they were not keeping God's commandments. If missionaries go to a house with open homosexuals they are told not to teach them the gospel.

Tony Feliz says that Gays are like a separate nation, like Gypsies, and we are only recognizable to each other. I always felt like that when I stated that I felt like a stranger in a strange land. Only when I am with Gay people do I feel a sense of kinship; of familia.

Tony Feliz is also preaching that since priesthood exists independent of churches, they may confer priesthood but they can never take it away. That is why when some one is excommunicated and then reinstated, his priesthood is not given anew but the authority to use it is only restored. Churches might not recognize a person's authority to exercise that priesthood in their church, but that is all they can do. The Restoration Church therefore recognizes all priesthood as continuing with a person even if they have been excommunicated from the Mormon Church.

The Restoration Church also will confer the Melchizedek Priesthood on women as does the Reorganized LDS Church. My priesthood lineage is from Steven Madsen who received his from N. Eldon Tanner, who received his from David O. McKay who received his from Joseph F. Smith who received his from Brigham Young, who received his from Joseph Smith. I am seven degrees away from Joseph Smith.

I tried calling Jon B. today. He's staying in Centerville. I couldn't catch him at home. We talked last Sunday briefly about going to California this coming weekend for the Spring Conference of the Restoration Church. I left a message for him to call me but he hasn't yet. He's really cute and spiritual. I am attracted to him a lot.
Additional Material Salt Lake City School Board enacted policy to bar any student or employee who contracts AIDS from the classroom. Box Elder and Granite School Districts previously passed same ordinance. The Salt Lake City Board of Education adopted a policy that will prohibit students and employees with AIDS from going to school. However students will be provided with home study. Employees with AIDS will immediately be suspended and placed on sick leave or be temporarily suspended with pay until a review of the employee’s medical records can determine job status. No cases of AIDS has been reported to the district. (03/19/1986 SLTribune B6)
• Clair Harward excommunicated from the Mormon Church when he admitted his homosexuality died from complications resulting from AIDS. Harward died Sunday at St. Benedicts Hospital. He was 26 years. Funeral Services scheduled for Tuesday in Salt Lake City. “Right now I have found the peace I need and that I want,” Harward said last January. “I don’t need any organization or any person lay all. I don’t want to go looking out for any more opinions or beliefs.” He was diagnosed or having AIDS in August 1984. Mormon Church officials in Ogden excommunicated him from that religion last year. After they learned of his Gay life style. The Mormon Church views homosexuality as a sin in the same degree as adultery and premarital sex said Jerry Cahill, church spokesman. “The only acceptable sexual relations occur within the family between husband and wife.” After learning he had AIDS Harward said he went to his Mormon bishop to seek spiritual guidance. But he said Bruce Don Bowen, his lay bishop told him to give up his friends and identify his past sexual partners. Harward said it would be unethical to identify his Gay Friends “When I need my friends the most, they’re asking me to be alone.” Church officials offered to help Harward through counseling and medical assistance. He had been hospitalized off and on since mid January. Harward said he had been Gay since he was 17. (03/18/1985 SLTribune 2C)

19 March 1986 Wednesday:
I went to John Cooper's Salt Lake Chapter of Affirmation tonight and had a good experience there. It was a small turn out but it was fun. John Cooper led the meeting. It was good to see Russ Lane again there but he was kind of down. He said that his perspective job that he thought he had fell through. Now he's afraid that he will have to go back to San Jose, California if he can't find work right away.

20 March 1986 Thursday:
Today is the first day of spring! The leaves have for the most part budded out and there are flowers every where already.

Today is my parent's 40th wedding anniversary. I haven't been able to get a hold of either Jon B. or Gordon J. so I doubt if I'll be going this weekend to Spring Conference in California. Russ Lane has been on my mind so much. I can't shake this feeling of despair.
Additional Material Gays Want Spot on Demo’s Family Panel. The Democratic Party’s mission to represent the needs of “all the people” could once again pose a political problem as it considers a request by the National Gay and Lesbian Caucus to be heard in a party sponsored event during Mormon Conference Weekend in Salt Lake City. But since Democrats fear that if Gay issues become part of the panel with the highly visible Mormon Conference occurring the same weekend, Republican opponents would be able to blow the situation out of proportion and attach an unfair image to the party. (SL Tribune B1)

21 March 1986 Friday:
After work, my wife and I decided to take in a movie at the Arcade Theater on 9th West and 2nd South. But during the show I could not concentrate on the movie. I had the most overwhelming feeling of despair come over me and I told my wife that I didn't want to stay for the second show.

After coming home, my wife went to bed and I sat in the front room watching TV but I was still very agitated. Finally turning off the television and in the darken front room I got down on my knees and asked the Lord why I had such a feeling of melancholy about me when earlier this week I had been the happiest I had been in years! The answer came to me so distinctly and in a form so clear and precise. I never had an answer to prayer come to me so strongly in years.

I was told that my feelings of despair was because Russ Lane was leaving Salt lake City, and that he must not for the Lord had work for him here. The Savior told me that he brought Russ Lane here to be an instrument in blessing the lives of thousands of Latter Day Saints. By this time I was weeping and I asked but what can I do? And the Lord replied, "Do all you can for him, for by serving Russ Lane you are serving me."

Although it was late at night after I finished my prayers, I knew exactly what I had to do. I called Russ Lane up on the phone and asked him to meet with me tomorrow. He said he would. Then I hung up. Some way or somehow, I will keep Russ here in Salt Lake City as long as the Lord wants him here.

22 March 1986 Saturday
I am really tired tonight so I won't write much but I do want to record what happened today. I had to go into work at Utah Title this morning to get caught up on some assignments. While there I made copies of various types of title documents and searching forms because I have decided if I am to keep Russ Lane here, I am going to have to teach him how to do title work. Then I am going to have to get my boss to hire him as an entry level examiner.

I was done at noon so I called Russ Lane, the leader of the Sunday night Affirmation. and asked him if he could still meet with me. He said he could so I drove to where he was staying on 12th East. Russ has been sleeping on the couch while staying with Duane Dawson and his roommate. Dawson is the founder of AIDS Project Utah which he started last fall.

Visiting with Russ I found out that he came to Utah around the 27th of February, on a bus from San Jose, California because he felt that the Lord had called him to come to Utah to start a chapter of Affirmation that was following the General Charter of Affirmation. The first meeting of his group was at Randy H.'s, his cousin, home. That was the 2nd of March and then the following Sunday, he had a pot luck meeting which Randy H. again hosted at his home. This was just before I met Russ at the Restoration Church. So Russ hasn't been in Utah much more than three weeks.

At Duane Dawson's apartment I told Russ that I might be able to get him on at Utah Title insurance as an entry level title examiner, if he thought he might like to do that kind of work and if he had the aptitude for it.

It was such a pretty day that we decided to get out and go down to Liberty Park where we found a park bench to study at. However before leaving the apartment, Russ and I got down on our knees, held each other's hands, and asked for a blessing on our endeavors; that Russ might quickly find work, that he might stay in Salt Lake to accomplish all that the Lord wants him to do. At Liberty Park, we sat at a picnic bench and went over all the different types of documents in real estate that a title examiner would have to know. Russ is bright and a quick learner. I know that he is capable of doing this type of work and now its up to me to sell Russ Lane to Bob E.. I pray that it is God's will. Tomorrow, Sacrament Meeting with be conducted by Jon B.
Additional Material “These Dreams" by Heart number one song on the national charts.

23 March 1986 Sunday
Today is the first Spring Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of All Latter Day Saints. The Saints are meeting in Los Angeles and in Salt Lake City. There were only a few of us in attendance in Salt Lake but the spirit was strong among us. We all bore our newly acquired testimonies of the Restoration Church and then we sang as our closing hymn, "God Be With You Until We Meet Again." Jon B. conducted the meeting. I took Sacrament for the first time in almost a year. I feel more worthy then I have in years because I have thrown out that millstone called the Law of Moses. I really feel the Lord's spirit in this little flock.

My wife came with me to Affirmation tonight and there was a pretty big turn out crowded into the parlor of the Crossroads Urban Center. Russ discussed formally organizing the Wasatch Chapter of Affirmation as the official chapter of Affirmation in Salt Lake City by the adoption of the rules of the General Charter. A sticking point was having an opening prayer at the meeting. The General Charter states that all Affirmation meetings should start with an opening prayer. However some in the group really opposed the notion of praying at Affirmation. But Russ was quite adamant about following the rules of the General Charter and could not be swayed.

This really cute young guy, named Scott M., gave Russ Lane the most trouble over whether we should open the meeting with prayer or not. It was finally voted on by all paid members and it passed. Wasatch Affirmation would follow the rules of the General Charter.

I then spoke up and suggested that if there are those who do not care to pray in public they might consider joining the Salt Lake Chapter of Affirmation which doesn't open with prayer but is a very good group.

It was a good meeting but a long one. So Wasatch Affirmation is official as of tonight. It was a good spiritual feast of a day.

24 March 1986 Monday
First thing this morning, I went into Bob's office and told him that I have a friend who is looking for work and who is an excellent candidate for an entry level title examiner position. Bob looked at me really skeptically so I poured it on. I told Bob that if he would hire Russ, I would personally guarantee his production every day and that I would personally train him as well as get all my work done.

What clinched it, I think, is that I said to him, "Bob, as a new manager, you need to hire people who only know you as the supervisor and who will not question everything you want done around here. I will promise you that Russ and I will support you in all your decisions, and further more if you hire Russ, you will always have me in your back pocket because I will owe you one."

Bob then asked when can Russ come in and I said he can come in today for an interview. So Bob said, "Fine, have him come in at three O'clock". So after leaving Bob's office I called Russ to come in for an interview.

When Russ came in later in the afternoon, Bob was so impressed with Russ' appearance that he just had him fill out an application and simply asked him, "When can you start?" That was all the interviewing Russ had to do. Russ told Bob that he needed time to go back to California to pack and ship his things out to Utah. He also needed to unload his apartment out there in San Jose. So Bob said be ready to start on April 1st.

I was so excited I could hardly contain myself. The Lord's hand was so evident in this. Russ has a job now and Affirmation can continue under his dynamic and enthusiastic leadership. I heard a song on KRCL's Radio Free Utah with the lyrics that in part went like this, "You got here by the grace of God. What an elegant way to arrive." I just love that because that is how I am feeling. What an elegant way to arrive.

26 March 1986 Wednesday
Russ Lane left for California after he was hired at Utah Title by the grace of God. He will start as an entry level title examiner. I know the hand of the Lord was in this. Because of my prayers and fasting over the weekend, the Lord granted me the desire of my heart to have a friend at work.

I told Russ Lane that he could come stay with my wife and I when he returns become we have a spare room in the house we are renting. My wife better not squawk after I put up with her friend Tony last February.

Russ went back to San Jose to finalize some things he left hanging there. I told him that I would take him down to the Greyhound Bus Station on South Temple so when he was ready, I went over to Duane Dawson's apartment where Jon B., Gordon J., and a friend of Jon's named Johnny W. were already there. They had come to see Russ off.

Before taking Russ to the bus station, I really felt impressed to give Russ a blessing. So Jon, Gordon and I went to the laundry room where we wouldn't be disturbed and we laid our hands on his head. I was impressed to bless him that his health would endure and that he would be able to accomplish all the things he had to do in San Jose. In closing I heard these words come out of my mouth, which said, "Russ Lane, thou art my daily delight." It was a sweet blessing and we all felt filled with the spirit.

After we finished, I drove Russ down to Greyhound where Jon, Gordon, and Johnny met us. We waited with Russ until his bus came. He looked so cute, tall and ruddy, wearing a black Iowa Letterman jacket and a tweed cap.

As his bus pulled away an empty feeling swept over me but it soon was replaced when Jon B. suggested we all go over to Kent A.'s place just south of McDonald's on 7th East. There we picked up a cot that Kent said Russ could use to sleep on. Johnny W. had to leave after that.

While driving around town with Jon and Gordon, I felt so close to them and we talked about how we felt that God is bringing a wonderful thing to pass and how exciting it was to be part of it.

Jon B. is also unemployed and he said that he would be interested in getting on at Utah Title too. He had just lost a job at the University of Utah. I said I would most certainly try, and there is a good chance that Bob might hire him on my suggestion too.

I felt so much love and brotherhood for Jon and Gordon, almost like I was a kid again. Last Sunday was Gordon's birthday and at Affirmation he got carried around and spanked! He was wearing leather chaps and looking so cute. Today I gave him an old brass belt buckle that had embossed on it the Salt Lake Temple. Gary R gave it to me years ago but I never wore it. I told Gordon that it was a belated birthday present. I am truly grateful for Gordon because if not for him I would not have heard about the Restoration Church and not have met Jon B. and Russ Lane.

27 March 1986 Thursday:
When I came home from lunch I felt such an overwhelming feeling that I had to write down something that was flooding my mind. It is very hard to describe the feeling but it was like words were being placed in my mind and my hand was just writing them down. It was like the Spirit of the Lord was revealing his love for Gay and Lesbian people and their place in the Celestial Kingdom.

It came so quickly and clearly to me during my lunch hour and was several notebook pages long. I felt so utterly drained and wiped out for the rest of the day. When I came home from work, I reread what I had written and I started to cry. It was so beautiful. My first thoughts was to share it with my wife but I am afraid that she would just scoff at me and it, so I sealed it in an envelope and mailed it to Tony Feliz. As head of the church I felt that he should read it first before anyone else.

I think my wife feels threatened by my increasing involvement with the Restoration Church and my desire to serve the Lord as I understand Him. I feel like a great and marvelous work is about to be poured out upon the heads of Gay and Lesbian people of this world.

I have invited Jon B. and Gordon J. over for Easter dinner. I've also heard that Elder Feliz and Elder Hamilton are coming back up to Salt Lake this weekend. So I'll offer our house as a place to stay if they do. I am just so grateful that I can be instrumental in helping the Lord achieve his purpose of blessings the lives of Gay and Lesbian people and especially for being able to help Russ Lane establish himself so that he can bless the lives of hundreds perhaps thousands of Gay Latter Day Saints.

Affirmation is a great work but my heart is with the Restoration church. I will give the Brethren my application for membership this weekend. I am seriously considering being baptized this weekend as a member of the Church. My wife is totally freaking out about the events that have taken place in my life so quickly these past few weeks. I am really tired now so I'll go to bed.

28 March 1986 Friday:
Came home from work today and spent much of the evening cleaning the house and grocery shopping for our weekend guests. My wife and I are both excited about having company this weekend.

I learned from Jon B. that Lamar Hamilton isn't able to come and I'm disappointed because of that. Nevertheless Elder Feliz is coming up with another fellow from the church and Elder Pamela Calkins, who is the first female Melchizedek Priesthood holder in the church, is coming also with her lover. So we should have a house full for sure.

The cot I borrowed from Kent A. for Russ Lane will come in handy. I will put it in the front room as sort of a day bed. I am really looking forward to this weekend

29 March 1986 Saturday
After my wife left for work at Taylor Maid, I got up early also to prepare for tomorrow's Easter dinner. Additionally I made a platter of egg salad and tuna salad sandwiches for the California Saints when they arrive. I know that they will be hungry when they get here, and tired. I was looking for them to come in around noon but it was nearly 2 p.m. before they pulled up to the house.

While waiting, I made use of the time by making some lemon cookies because I was so antsy for them to get here. Well they finally arrived in this little foreign car, and they wobbled out, having been crammed into the small sedan for some 750 mile and for 16 hours. I was so excited when they finally arrived that I just scooped them all up and brought them into the house where I offered them rest and refreshments.

Pamela J. Calkins was a stocky looking woman, wearing blue jeans, a color t-shirt, work shoes and a leather man's belt. I'd say she was about thirty years old sporting short cropped hair which framed her mannish face and square jaw. But she had the rosiest cheeks and the friendliest manner that betrayed her stereotypical Lesbian dress. However next to her lover Lynn L., Pam looked absolutely girlish! Lynn looked much younger then Pam and was a blond while Pam was a brunette. Lynn also wore blue jeans with a turtle neck knit shirt over which she wore a flannel plaid cotton work shirt. Lynn's blond hair was swept back into a Jimmy Dean duck tail.

Looking past the outwardly Dyke appearance, the more I visited with Pam and Lynn, the more I grew to love them. They are so full of hearty goodness, and love, and I think they are sweet women although I am sure they wouldn't want to be called that by me.

Tony Feliz looked haggard from the long journey and he wore dark sun glasses because he couldn't find his regular glasses. He looked every bit his age and was dressed like a middle aged fashionable Mormon Bishop. His traveling companion was a much younger man, named Eddie M.. He is a nice looking slender well built Filipino, slightly shorter then me. I found out later that he's just 19 years old.

The travelers were still so keyed up from their trip that I brought chairs out on the front porch and we sat and visited while they unwound. It was a gorgeous spring day. I served them the sandwiches and cookies, and of course the dogs ran out to greet them and say hi and sniff and be generally obnoxious, but hey its their home too. When my wife came home from work there was a houseful of "faggots" as she says and I was happy.

About three o'clock, Tony Feliz and Pamela Calkins had to leave for an interview they were giving on Concerning Gays and Lesbians. The show wanted to interview Pam because she is the first Lesbian to ever hold the Melchizedek Priesthood. Pamela Calkins is an Elder in the church and her lover Lynn holds the Aaronic Priesthood. I believe Lynn said she was a Priest.

Eddie M. and Lynn L. are both converts to the gospel specifically from the efforts of the Restoration Church. They had never been Mormon before. Pam taught Lynn the gospel and Lynn became the first person to be baptized into the Restoration Church who had no LDS background. I believe she said she was baptized last November. Could be wrong.

While Tony and Pam were gone, Eddie and Lynn caught up on some much needed sleep and crashed in the living room on the cot I made into a bed. My dog Toby found a friend in Lynn and curled up with her to sleep. Both Lynn and Eddie love our animals especially sweet natured Toby and our cat Fat Jack. Yes Sam it’s true you are a rotten dog that only your daddy can love. Everyone could not get over how huge Fat Jack is. They said he should be a Bob Cat not just a house cat. He's like Garfield a red tabby with a humongous tail. Poor misunderstood Jackie. He ain't fat. He's fluffy.

When Tony and Pam returned from taping the program, I fixed a pot of soup and we all finished off the rest of the sandwiches. A busy evening was planned because I learned that Tony and Pam are here to interview people for positions in the branch that is going to be organized in Salt Lake City. It will be the first branch of the church.

The rest of the evening was spent in a flurry of comings and goings as people dropped by the house to visit with the California Saints and to make their appointments for their interviews. Jon B. and Gordon J. were over much of the evening and it looks like Gordon is really in love with Jon. They appear to have become an item since the last time I saw them. I was really attracted to Jon B. at first, but I kept thinking what can I do about it? I am a married man. And besides I like Gordon too much and if he has his eyes set on Jon, I won't get in the way. Although truthfully, I'm a little jealous.

When it was my time to be interviewed I gave Tony my application for membership however I told him that I was not ready to be formally baptized this weekend because I want Russ Lane to be present. Then we talked and I told Tony about my experiences back in 1972 and 1973 with the spirit writings that I had given to Paul Mike H. Dunn and how from those writings I knew even back then that homosexuality was not an issue with the Lord. I don't know if he believed me and he said that he had not received the letter I had sent the other day. It was hard to make out what he thought, but I know that if he is sincere and not on just some type of ego trip he will recognize my sincerity.

After all that, Tony cut to the chase and asked me if I was called to be Branch President who would I call for counselors. I thought back to the love that Jon B., Gordon J., and I shared and had for each other after taking Russ to the bus terminal and I did not hesitate to say I would choose Jon and Gordon. I immediately sensed by the expression on his face that this was not the answer he wanted to hear, so I told him,

I know the Lord wants me to be instrumental in this movement, and I am willing to serve where ever the Lord calls me to serve.

After my interview I visited with Bob McIntier and Jon B. who was waiting with Gordon J.. Tony earlier informed me that he developed a reaction to our cats in the house and is going to sleep at Bob's house, where bob has more room, and a bed.

All in all it was a very special day. I feel like I've known these people for a long time not just having met today. I feel like I finally belong, and what I always felt the Mormon Church should be like. I am with people who understand and care about me rather then sit in judgment of me. I can tell that my wife just loves having women in the house, and I know she likes Pam and Lynn. I wonder although what she really thinks when she sees them kiss? What does a straight man feel when he sees two men kiss? All I see is something perfectly natural and wonderful. An expression of love.
Additional Material Elder Pamela J. Calkins 1956-1994 Pamela J. Calkins was the daughter of James and Glennda Calkins. She was born in California 17 May 1956 and died there 24 October 1994. She was the first Lesbian to hold the Melchizedek Priesthood, and when excommunicated from the LDS Church she was brought before a High Priest Stake Council. She was a founding member of the Restoration Church of Jesus Christ established August 13, 1985. She held the positions of Apostle and was a member of the First Presidency. Despondent over some legal troubles and Mormon homophobia, Pamela J. Calkins took her own life in 1994. She was 38 years old. She taught that Gay people, being a tenth of the world's population, were God's special tithing back to our world with the purpose of making it a more beautiful and just place.
• "Rock Me Amadeus" by Falco number one song on national charts

30 March 1986 Easter Sunday
Busy, busy, busy day with baptisms, Easter Dinner, Sacrament Meeting, and Affirmation all today. Lynn L. and Pamela Calkins spent the night at the house while Tony Feliz and Eddie M. stayed over at Bob McIntiers to sleep. Bob lives on the western edge of Salt Lake City, off of 700 North and Redwood Road.

When I got up I fixed Lynn, Pam, my wife and I a light breakfast before everyone started arriving over here. At first there had been only two baptisms scheduled today, but John Crane, the Church's Evangelist, arrived last night with his Filipino lover and he wanted to be baptized also this Easter morning.

After the rest had left to go down to a house on 5th East and 27th South, where they knew someone willing to let his hot tub be used as a baptism font, my wife started dragging her heals and almost made me late. I believe she was really freaking out about attending an "apostate" baptismal service, and I lost my patience with her. I told that "I am going, with or without you." Then I, frustrated, asked, "Why do you always have to spoil everything spiritual that I feel I need to do?"

Needless to say my attitude could have been better but soon the little fight I had with my wife was dissipated as I stepped out into the absolutely gorgeous bright morning light. The sky was dazzlingly deep and clear. Spring flowers, tulips, crocuses, hyacinths were everywhere. All the trees were brightly sporting their new little green leaves, and truly the world seemed like it was wearing its new Easter clothes.

When I reached the house where the baptismal services were taking place, in South Salt Lake, I went to the backyard where people were already dressed in their baptismal robes. We sang a few hymns and Pamela Calkins gave a talk on baptism being a symbol of the Lord's resurrection and how appropriate it seems to perform this sacred ordinance on Easter Sunday.

The only real difference I could see between this baptismal service and an LDS one was the taking of the oath of the Baptismal covenant. In the Restoration Church baptismal candidates recite a passage from the Book of Mormon and then lift their arm to the square to take an oath that they will lived by the covenant that the Prophet Alma administered at the Waters of Mormon.

And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light; Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life

Baptismal candidates of the Restoration Church take this oath to mourn with those who mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort. It was really touching and moving to see Bob McIntier, Gordon J., and John Crane raise their arms to the square and promised to keep the above Baptismal Covenant as recorded in the Book of Mormon.

Baptism by the All Latter Day Saint Church is not essential for membership in the church because since priesthood is eternal, the Restoration church recognizes any baptism that was performed with proper priesthood authority whether it was done in the LDS Church, the RLDS Church or the FLDS Churches. So once baptized into any of the restoration churches, that received its authority from Joseph Smith, it is really not necessary to be rebaptized into the All Latter Day Church. It's more symbolic then necessary.

Gordon B. Jones was baptized by Jon B., Bob McIntier was baptized by Lynn L., and John Crane was baptized by Eddie M.. The service was over by 11 a.m. and it was one of the best baptisms I had ever witnessed and the Holy Spirit was abundant and strong there.

I left before the others did because I had to race home to play "Martha" and get Easter dinner ready. I fixed glazed ham with pineapple slices, creamed corn, fresh green beans, creamy scalloped potatoes, candied yams, Mormon coleslaw, and a marinated broccoli and cherry tomato salad. I also had rolls, and for desert I made strawberry short cake.

When the Saints all came back to the house, they couldn't believe that I had time to whip this all up with how busy we all have been this weekend. The house was packed for Easter dinner and we just spread out onto the porch, the front room, as well as the dining room. I just loved having a house full of Gay people. In all there were my wife, Pamela Calkins, Lynn L., Tony Feliz, Eddie M., John Crane and his lover who spoke so little English that I never learned his name, Bob McIntier, Jon B., Gordon J., and this boy from Provo, Mike H. who just happened to have heard about the church and dropped by.

We ate, and drank fruit punch, laughed at stories about our Gayness, and I really felt the Lord's spirit among us. It was such a sweet day and was truly wonderful to have the Saints gathered in my house and to have the first branch of the church established here in my home.

Near two o'clock we had to leave our dinner and rush down to the Crossroad Urban Center to prepare Sacrament. At the meeting Tony Feliz presided and Pam Calkins conducted. A lot of the meeting was taken up with Tony relating the business of the Spring Conference in Los Angeles and what had transpired there last weekend. I smiled when Tony Feliz stated that at the closing of conference he said he was prompted to changed the scheduled closing hymn to "God Be With You Until We Meet Again", which was the very same hymn that I was prompted to close last week's Sacrament meeting with also. I believe the Lord was indeed sending his spirit to each of his small Gay flocks to bond us together in spirit.

During the meeting we officially voted to organize the Salt Lake members into a Branch of the Church. Actually we will be the only branch of the church since the Los Angeles flock is not nearly so organized. It was at this meeting that Bob McIntier was called to be the first Branch President and to my surprise I was called to be a Bishop Agent. I had no Idea what that even entailed until after Sacrament when Tony explained each of our responsibilities.

Bob McIntier's responsibility is to oversee the spiritual growth of our little flock in Salt Lake City and I am to oversee the temporal growth of the church here. I am suppose to find a more suitable place to meet for Sacrament then the Crossroad Urban Center. I am still not sure what a Bishop Agent is since I never heard of it before in the LDS Church. But I am responsible directly to Lamar Hamilton, who is now the Presiding Bishop of the Church. I am to send all offerings and tithing monies to Los Angeles and things like that. I am not one of Bob's counselors but rather we are supposed to have separate authority and yet do everything in harmony and act like counselors.

I really don't know Bob McIntier all that well. He is kind of hard to get to know but I think he is genuinely kind hearted. Though it sort of bothers me, that he left the gospel to join the Metropolitan Church for a while. But again I do feel that he is a sweet man, and if Bob is the one that the Lord wants to direct this flock, I will sustain him with all my heart.

After church some of us went back to the house where we took a nap. Eddie stayed with us while Tony went back over to Bob's place.

Affirmation was at seven p.m. and my wife and I went although there was a small turn out. Without Russ Lane, the meeting was a dud. I see so clearly now why the Lord wants the charismatic Russ Lane here in Salt Lake. Now if I could just get him to join the Restoration Church! What a dynamic leader we would have.

At Affirmation my wife invited Stan D. home to join us for dinner. "Stinky Stan", as my wife and I refer to this character, because he doesn't bathe much, is eccentric to say the least and is really funny. Short, frumpy, sporting always a two day old beard, my wife took a liking to this portly Stan but then she is always looking to take in strays. That is why we ended up with three cats.

Anyway Pam, Lynn, Eddie, Stinky Stan, Jon B., Gordon, and my wife and I played card games and when it was getting late, Stan asked if he could spend the night so we said yes. He didn't have any night clothes so my wife gave him one of her frilly flannel night gowns to wear. He looked so at home in it. Bizarre.

Eddie also decided to spend the night because I guess he was having more fun here then over at Bob's. As the evening got late, I sat on the couch, holding Eddie in my arms, visiting with Jon, Gordon, Stan, Lynn, and Pam. My wife was having a great time reveling in being the center of attention, and telling funny stories with her outrageous gregarious personality at full tilt. Here it is the end of March and I have met such neat people in such a short time. I feel blessed.
Additional Material James Cagney, American Hollywood actor best known for playing gangsters and George M. Cohan in Yankee Doodle Dandy died (1899-1986)

31 March 1986 Monday
What a whirlwind month, and how my world has turned topsy-turvy. I have admitted to myself and others, finally, that I am indeed a Gay married man. I have become a member of a Gay Mormon Church, and not just a member, it's Bishop Agent for the Salt Lake Branch of the church. Because of the changes in my life and not despite of them, I am happier now then I have been in years.

After going to bed last night with a house full of Gay people, my wife and I laid in bed and talked. I told her that my life would feel complete if she was on my left and Eddie was on my right. My wife kissed me and told me to go to Eddie and its okay because she loves Eddie too. So Eddie and I clung to each other all night doing nothing but holding each other.

This morning I got up to get ready for work while Eddie went and climbed into bed with my wife, Pam Calkins, and Lynn L., and soon even "Stinky Stan" joined them as they all watched the morning news. They looked so happy there in bed, warm and snuggly so much so that I hated to leave them and go to work, but I had no choice.

I was sad at work today knowing that when I get home they will all be gone. Still its been a fun raucous weekend.

Russ Lane flew back to Utah today and that news gladdened my heart. I went out to the Salt Lake airport to pick him up and I held his hand driving back to the house. I was so excited that he's back in Utah. He's sending his things parcel post. I told him about all the excitement we had over the weekend and what a glorious time we had. I told him that a branch of the church had been established for the first time and it was here in Salt Lake City. I am so glad that Russ is back and is going to be staying with my wife and I. It will make the house not feel so lonesome after the big to do we had this weekend.

Needless to say the house was a wreck when I got home. We didn't do any dishes over the entire weekend. My wife was a little put out that no one had offered to help clean up. But I didn't mind because it gave me something to do now that everyone is gone.

I moved Russ' cot from the front room to the back bedroom where he can have his privacy. He is so clever and funny. I am just going to love having him here, and I know it's what the Lord wants me to do.

Changes in my life. It's thrilling to feel alive again. Each day is bringing a new adventure and new people into my life. I really hate to see March end. It was such a wonderful happy month for me. My wife is happy that I am happy, but deep down I think she is scared of what is going to happen to us. It can never be the same as before pretending to be a heterosexual man. I'm sure it is just a matter of time before the LDS Church catches up with me and excommunicates me but I don't care. I have already replaced them in my heart.

Sunday, when Pam Calkins was here, this fellow, I don't remember his name, attended Sacrament meeting and he asked her to give him a blessing. I went with Pam and she and I laid our hands on his head and gave him a blessing of comfort. He was so very frightened because he had been summoned to a High Stake Court and he was sure he was going to be excommunicated. He was so scared. Both Pam and I gave him a blessing, and the Lord's spirit spoke through me telling him that whenever a door closes, another opens. And I do believe this in my heart. I also do believe in the mission of the Restoration Church to take the cast offs from the Mormon Church. We will take in the despised and the rejected, whom the Lord loves and wants to bless but yet do not fit into the narrow confines of the Pharisaic LDS Church.

April 1986

2006-12-23T11:48:00.002-08:00

1 April 1986 Tuesday:
Today was Russ Lane's first day at work, and I went around and introduced him to everyone. I felt like Russ was my personal coup. It's going to be so wonderful having a friend at work. Someone I can take breaks with and go home for lunch together. I almost felt like this my first day of school I was so excited. In a way, I am very glad that Russ' cousin Randy H. wasn't able to accommodate him with a place to stay, because when I am with Russ, it’s like being young again, like when I was in college with John F. C. and ever thing was new and the possibilities were endless. Even more then all this, it's fun having someone around the office with whom I can be openly Gay!

3 April 1986 Thursday:
What a day at work! Shauna M., one of the main Title Abstractors here, was an absolute bitch to Russ Lane. While I was training Russ, Shauna came over and yelled at him for missing a deed of trust on a search he had done. Russ has only been doing searching for two days, and instead of talking to him like a human being, she started yelling at him like some sort of petty tyrant. Well in a way she was yelling at me because I am the one training Russ. He's my responsibility as well as getting my own work done. Well I just started yelling right back at her so the whole office could hear, then she at me.

We carried the fight to her office and we almost came to blows. She would have hit me if she thought she could have gotten away with it because I defied her. If she had any power over me she would have fired me. But I told her in no uncertain terms that her manners are extremely unprofessional and she is dead wrong the way she treats people especially who she considers underlings. I told her don't ever talk to Russ like that again and if she has any problem with his work come see me and I will rectify it. I told her that if she has any problem with anyone's work she should discuss it with them instead at yelling at them and trying to intimidate them.

She was furious with me and I was really surprised how unglued I came, when Shauna began attacking Russ. It reminded me of years ago when I was training John F. C. at Taco Bell while we were in college, and some customer started yelling at John, and I became a maniac, and told that person to shut the fuck up and get off the premises before I call the police. I can't abide bullies.
Additional Material 4-5 April 1986 The Democratic Policy Commission, a branch of the Democratic National Party, held a roundtable discussion at the Salt Lake. Former Utah Governor Scott Matheson who chaired the commission had considered placing the issue of Gay Rights on the agenda following an appeal of Gay-rights advocates but it was decided against. Tribune staff writer Paul Rolly felt that the issue was shelved because of the LDS Conference was being held at the same time. He stated, “The coincidence concerned some Democratic officials who worried any Gay rights activities would create too much of a contrast to the conservative teachings of Mormon officials who believe homosexuality a sin.”
• Lesbian singer Deidre McCalla performed at The Painted Word on 4th South and 4th West to promote her album Don’t Doubt It on Olivia Records.
• 2nd Annual Desert and Mountain States Conference held in Phoenix, Arizona. The Theme of the Conference will be “Pride in Diversity, Strength in Unity”. The Salt Lake delegation of the planning committee withdrew from the conference and did not attend. Scott M. stated that Phoenix Co-chair David Lilly had informed him that the conference was going to be scaled back because of speaker cancellation and inability to get equipment for a dance. Lily denied that the conference was scaled back.

5 April 1986 Saturday:
This week has gone by so fast. Bob has Russ sitting next to me at work so I can train him. We are together day and night and I think Russ is really special. I enjoy cooking for him and making chicken and dumplings, his favorite, along with my fruit salad which he eats all the time.

Russ and I listened to the opening session of LDS General Conference this morning on TV. Ezra Taft Benson, during the morning session, began to knock Gays again. I think if E.T. lives long enough, he will just carrying on the same oppressive attitude towards Gay people that Spencer Kimball initiated.

While my wife was at work this afternoon, Russ and I were visiting, and he said that he was all knotted up and tense. I asked him if he wanted a back rub and he said he could use a massage. I had him take his shirt off and I began massaging him when he grabbed my hand and placed it on his erection. Startled, Russ said to me, "You know this is what you want." And it was true. I have been wanting to bond with Russ almost since I first met him. Just looking at him at times made me moist. I went down on Russ and then it was over. I felt closer to him then ever- until this evening.

I was really disappointed tonight when Russ went to General Priesthood with some man who had called him wanting some information about affirmation. I understand that this man was married, and really nervous, and Russ and him could speak Spanish, but still I would have liked to gone along. I feel like Russ chose to go the Spanish speaking session as an excuse for me not to go along.

My wife's and my friend from Provo, Meg, came over this evening. She was feuding with her husband. I've known Meg since she was my landlady at BYU back in 1975. She's so curious as to why Russ is living with us and who he is. It's hard to explain things without telling Meg everything that is going on in my life, and I am not ready for that.
Additional Material Rev. Ann Campbell Wants to Educate the Public About AIDS (SLTribune 5 April 1986 B16-1)
• "Rock Me Amadeus" by Falco is number one song on national charts

6 April 1986 Sunday:
At Sacrament Meeting we watched a little of the LDS General Conference on TV. Russ Lane suggested that a bunch of us go to Conference and sing High On A Mountain Top but change the final verse to-
"Her light should there Attract the GAYS
of all the world In Latter Days"

I am not really interested in the LDS Conference, especially after what Ezra Taft Benson said about Gays yesterday morning.

At church today, Mike H., this beautiful blond boy from Provo, who had dropped by the house last Easter, came to church today. He's really neat. I want to get to know him better, but he seems so together and classy. I think he's way more together at his young age then I am at mine.

At Affirmation tonight, the consensus of the group was to meet every Sunday rather then bi-monthly as the Salt Lake City chapter of Affirmation does. Stan D. made the suggestion that the first Sunday should be a pot luck, the second Sunday will be a fireside guest speaker, the third Sunday could be a conscience raising rap group with special topics, and the fourth Sunday will be the monthly business meeting.

Members voted to accept Stinky Stan's suggestion and it was approved. There were about twenty people at Affirmation tonight. A good turn out. The Parlor was full at the Crossroads Urban Center.

I am happy to be supporting Russ with Affirmation but my heart and loyalties are with my new church not the old. Russ seems more distant from be then before. I hope what happened yesterday won't affect our relationship.

9 April 1986 Wednesday:
It’s been a long time since I have attended a meeting of the Salt Lake Chapter of Affirmation. I will always have affection for John Cooper's group but Russ Lane's group meets my social and spiritual need better now. I haven't heard from Bob McIntier for a while. So far it seems my main responsibility as Bishop Agent is helping him set up Sacrament where he presides. There are goings on in Los Angeles, nothing official, just rumors about Tony Feliz assuming the mantle of Prophet, Seer, and Revelator for the church. Don't know how I feel about that.

My wife is very distant from Russ any more. I think she sees how discouraged I feel from Russ' lack of attention to me and is angry at Russ for not being more responsive to me. She tells me that Russ is just using me but I don't listen to anything against him. The Lord wanted me to help Russ. I know that as a fact. I shouldn't let my physical attraction for him get in the way of the Lord's work.

Today is my last day at being 34. I started it living in Orange, California, working at Ticor Title insurance and being extremely miserable. I am feeling miserable tonight but its a different type of misery, a sort of a happy misery if that makes any sense at all.

10 April 1986 Thursday:
Today is by thirty-fifth birthday and my wife bought me a German Chocolate Cake. Yum. I invited Jon B. and Gordon J. over to have cake and ice cream with my wife, Russ, and I. Jon and Gordon could only stay but a short while because they were committed to another party somewhere else.

Later when my wife had some of her friends over to work on their acrylic nails, I went into Russ's room, just to be with him. We sat and visited about how things are going at work and about Affirmation of course. Russ then told me that for my birthday present he bought me a $25 annual membership to Affirmation. That was sweet of him.

Well I'm thirty-five years old now. I have left the Mormon Church and I am active in an "apostate" church, and I am living a Gay life style what ever that means. What a difference a year makes.

11 April 1986 Friday
I heard at work while listening to KRCL, that the Mikado is still playing at Kingsbury Hall at the University of Utah. It is my all time favorite Gilbert and Sullivan's operetta. Russ and I both love classical music so I thought it would be fun to surprise him with tickets for the performance. I went up to the U on my lunch break and bought three tickets for my wife, Russ, and myself.

When I tried to surprise Russ with the tickets, instead of being thrilled he acted like he was being put upon. Finally he said that if I didn't mind, he'd rather not go because he likes to get caught up on his laundry and other things on Friday nights.

I told him I understood and that it was my fault for not asking him first because when you do things extraneously you have to be willing to be disappointed. But the truth is I felt really disappointed and my feelings were hurt that he would rather do his laundry then be with me. I guess I have deeper feelings for Russ then I thought. I should never have let last Saturday happen.

Anyway, my wife was excited to go and we asked our friends from Provo if they wanted to go which they did so I bought an extra ticket. The show was absolutely wonderful-the singing-the dancing-the colorful fans and banners! Just a magical night at the theater. I enjoyed the show immensely even if my evening was slightly marred.

After the performance we went to our favorite Chinese restaurant, China Village, on Main Street north of the post office. It was a very late dinner and we stayed out until 2 a.m. My wife and I finally told Steve and Meg what was going on in our lives and especially in mine. I told them that I had left the LDS church and had joined the Restoration Church of Jesus Christ. They acted like they were happy that I have found happiness, but I could tell that they were really sad that I had left the LDS Church after all these years. After all it was Steve who ordained me an elder in 1975 and it was with Steve and Meg that I went through the temple for the first time for my endowments in January 1976. I know it must have been a sad thing for them to think of me leaving the church. But I don't really feel like I've left the gospel behind. Anyway it felt good to tell others who know me from before about my involvement with the Restoration Church.

12 April 1986 Saturday:
I think I am falling in love with Russ Lane and I don't know why. May be it is a true principle that you love those you serve and I do everything for Russ. I take him to work everyday. I fix him his lunch and dinner. I do his wash. I've even ironed his clothes. I've given him gifts including my Saturday's Warrior album. I felt terrible later after doing that because it made my wife cry. I had forgotten that she had bought it for me in December of 1976 when we were first dating. I haven't listened to it in years and really had grown to think of it as insipid, but still it had sentimental value for my wife.

I am so very happy Russ is living here so I can be near him but I am also miserable because Russ doesn't return any of my affection. At work, time just seems to fly because he is there. My days seem brighter because he is around and yet I am well aware that I care for Russ more than he does for me.

While I don' feel guilty about our sexual encounter last week, I now wish we would not have done it. I do hope it doesn't interfere with our friendship and doesn't obstruct the reason God brought us together in the first place, that is to be of service to the Gay community.

My wife is starting to be pissed off all the time by what Russ does or doesn't do around the house. It's my fault. I don't know how to be a plural lover very well.
Additional Material "Kiss" by Prince & The Revolution is number one song on national charts

13 April 1986 Sunday:
Bob McIntier had to go to Dallas, Texas on a business trip so I was in charge of putting together Sacrament even though Bob had asked Gordon to be in charge of it. I made some cupcakes for after church services and about seventeen people were in attendance. The talk was on the Royal Law and service to God. I am glad I took charge of Sacrament because Gordon was late. He looked a mess and said he was beaten up by some of his room mates and kicked out of Auntie Dee's house. Auntie Dee is a drag queen in the community who takes in strays so I wonder what Gordon did to piss her off. I know he hasn't had a job since I've known him so I don't know how he is getting by.

At Affirmation, the space is over flowing at the Crossroad Urban Center. Every couch is filled. People are sitting on the floor, and late comers are standing in the foyer. But no one seems to mind because the fellowship is strong and Russ makes a point to make each and every person there feel important and welcomed. He is a hand shaker for sure. My wife is still the only woman at Affirmation and still the center of attention. She is kind of a Wendy to all these Lost Boys.
Additional Material The Lesbian and Gay Student Union at the U of U hosted a week long Lesbian and Gay Conference 86. Theme of the conference was “Looking Forward”. Jim H. was President of LGSU. Joe Redburn of the Sun Tavern and Michael M. of Jeff’s Gym, a Gay bath house helped financed the Conference.
• Utah Technical College’s student senate once again voted against giving official school recognition to a Gay Student Union

15 April 1986 Tuesday:
Today is Jon B.'s 40th birthday. My wife and I had him over for cake and ice cream. He came without Gordon J. and we visited on this warm wonderful Spring day in the Rockies. The air is just perfumed at night. I don't see Jon and Gordon working out much longer. They are both out of work but Jon has some savings and is on unemployment. Gordon is so dependent on Jon now and Jon is feeling trapped. I've heard Gordon say that he needs this relationship but I don't see him being very responsible. He is spending a lot of time at the bars drinking even though he has no money. That is not a good sign.

17 April 1986 Thursday
Things are not good between Russ and I and I don't know how to fix it. He pushes all my John F. C. buttons. The more I am feeling rejected by Russ, the more I do for him. It's insanity to try and make him love me as much as I am in love with him. This insane cycle is repeating over and over again and I do not know what to do. My trying to do things for Russ is actually driving him further from me rather then bringing him closer. I know this rationally but my heart is just beating up my head.

At lunch today, Russ wanted to go up to the University of Utah's housing office to look for an apartment or a roommate. It was raining slightly but it was fun just being with him. We didn't see much but he took down a few numbers.

Back at work, the girls that run the copy machines sure like my butt. They are always teasing me. Only if Russ would like my butt too, but I am beginning to finally realize that he really doesn't. He never wants to go out with me, or do anything with me unless he needs something and then he says, so kid like, "Benny could you please..." and I fall for it every time. I don't even like being called Benny but I let him.

My wife is on her period and is not feeling well so I stayed with her watching the Bill Cosby Show, Family Ties, Cheers, and Night Court. About nine p.m. Steve and dropped by for a few minutes to visit and see if I had spoken to Ed Rogers one of the owners of Utah Title, about a position in the legal department there. I told him that Ed said for him to come down and apply so that's good news for them.
Additional Material The best attended seminar at U of U's LGSU Conference was a debate on “Lesbian Separatism” entitled “Extremism in Defense of Liberty”. Debate was between Kake Huck and Sharon Jensen.

18 April 1986 Friday
I went into work this morning in a real sour mood because of a slight that Russ did me today. Although it was a small and petty thing to be upset about, it was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.

Yesterday, knowing that we were going to spend our lunch hour up on campus, I had fixed both him and me a big lunch to take with us. Today we had plans to go listen to Harry Britt, the San Francisco Supervisor who replaced Harvey Milk after his assassination. He was speaking at noon at the University of Utah as part of Gay Pride Week. I didn't have time this morning to pull a lunch together but Russ made sure that he had a lunch of apples and carrots. I mean, I don't expect much from Russ, but couldn’t he at least grabbed me something too? Is that asking too much from him or am I being too petty? It made me realize how little he cares for me.

So on the way to work I said to Russ that I had some errands I had to do at lunch and that he was on his own finding a way to campus. Well that pissed him off to no end but I didn't care. Why should I be the only one upset?

My wife’s young friend Tony is back staying with us, while he is looking for work again in Salt Lake. He said that he wanted to help us out by giving the car a tune-up since he knows how to do it and has the tools for it. So I told Russ that I had to go buy parts during lunch for the tune up.

Last week Estelle R. who I worked with at Ticor Insurance, last year, wrote and asked if she came to Utah could she stay with my wife and I while visiting Salt Lake City. I said sure not thinking she would really come but she called me today saying she will be here tomorrow. She is coming on a Greyhound Bus. I will deal with this tomorrow.

At work today Bob E. announced that the company is springing for pizzas for lunch because of the amount of production we have been doing lately. Well Russ just looked sick because of the dilemma of having to choose between a free lunch and seeing fags on campus. Well he did choose to see the fags and the sucker that I am, I saved some of the pizza for him so that he could microwave them later.

I left work early today to help Tony work on the car, so Russ was on his own getting home. While working on the car with Tony, as he put in spark plugs and points, I felt so much like I was watching my dad like when I was a kid and I must say that I really hated the feeling. I was never mechanical and those weekends handing dad his tools were pure torture. Grease under my finger nails? Yuck!

This evening my wife left with Tony to spend the weekend down in Levan with Tony’s parents leaving me on my own for two days. Not wishing to spend the evening with Russ, who is still sulking, I called Jon B. up to see what he was going to do tonight. He said that he and his friend Johnny W. were going to the Utah Symphony tonight to hear Beethoven’s Ninth performed. I asked if I could tagged along and Jon said that was a “great idea".

When I told Russ I was going out with Jon B., this pissed Russ off again because I was backing out of our going up to the U of U campus for a Candlelight vigil for victims of Gay Bashing and AIDS. I really would have rather had been with Russ but when I realized how Russ would treat me once there, like I was invisible, I decided to spend the evening with people who won’t treat me like shit.

I went to the Symphony and I was so glad I did, even if it was kind of embarrassing getting in on a student pass. But the performance was excellent and a real feast for the ears! It was simply exhilarating being there, so much like in my College days at Cypress College; so perhaps it was okay that we used a student pass.

Johnny W., Jon B. and I were having so much fun, and afterwards we went cruising around State Street just like as if we were still in high school. That was a riot. Then we went up 3rd West and got something to eat at this Greek place called Soulvakis that I like so much. It’s the only place that serves Yeeros with a meaty red sauce on slices of lamb and onions that I know of. After stuffing our selves with Yeeros and Pork Shish kabobs, we then went over to Johnny's place on 1st South and 3rd east, tucked in behind the school for the blind.

Jon B. is staying there for the time being, until he gets on at Utah Title which should be soon. Johnny W. is fascinating with his belief in re-incarnation. He believes that he is a reincarnated ancient Egyptian and has his apartment decorated in Egyptian period furnishings and decor. He has the Eye of Horus painted on the wall and sleeps in an Egyptian cot-like bed. I was half expecting to see a mummy or a cow headed goddess walk in from the kitchen.

My being a history major, we talked Egyptology until one in the morning speculating about the construction of the pyramids. Of course since he was there he knew more about it than me.

As I was sitting on the bedlike couch, with Jon B. in my arms, suddenly there was a pounding at the door. It was a distraught Gordon J. who was a drunken mess. From the wild hurt in his eyes, I knew he must have felt left out and crushed when he saw us all together. I felt so sorry for him that I told Jon B. to go to him and take him home. I thought it was kind of odd that Gordon wasn't with us anyway, but I didn't plan the evening.

Jon B. told me, as he left, that he would be back, so I waited until two a.m. talking to Johnny about reincarnation. I told him that sometimes I feel like I’ve lived in Meso-America during the time of the Mayas or Aztecs. I do have Comanche Indian blood in me so who knows? I also know of a place in the south like a Bayou or something where I have memories of though I have never lived there.

When Jon didn't come back I decided it was time to go home too. Except for Gordon’s dramatics I had a wonderful, magical night, full of lights, music, and mysticism. And I spent an evening not wishing I was with Russ.
Additional Material Harry Britt, San Francisco Supervisor who succeeded Harvey Milk, was keynote speaker for the LGSU Conference. A Britt stated that the purpose of Gay politics should be nothing less than the transformation of human culture. Candlelight Vigil held on campus after keynote address.

19 April 1986 Saturday
This morning I got up around seven-thirty a.m. after last night's celebration of music, so I could go into work at 8 to work for some overtime. I worked until noon and right before leaving some work men came in to put up petitions in the office. The panels came from Gary Sheet's bankrupt company. His wife was killed by Mark Hoffman in the Salamander Bombings last October.

Anyway, so come Monday, we will have a new look. Leaving the office I went to my barber on 7th East and got a haircut and beard trim for $3. Looks sharp. The weather was pretty but nippy all day and when I finally went back home I could feel the tension building between Russ and I. We have a barrier in place and I know that he is pissed that I didn't go with him to the Gay and Lesbian thing on campus, but I'll discuss that later.

I noticed that he hadn’t done a thing around the house but his own washing and that made me kind of mad only because he said he would. He left shortly after I came home so I tried to clean the kitchen and I did scrub the bathroom because Estelle is coming in this evening. I also did some wash and ironed clothes for next week.

Later Bob McIntier called and asked me if it was okay, that if instead of going out to dinner to visit , was it okay to go to the Metropolitan Community Church's pot luck. I said fine so I spent the rest of the afternoon making an Italian Casserole and also making cupcakes for after Sacrament tomorrow.

Around 4 p.m. I went to the central library to return some records, mostly operas, that I had checked out from last week and while there I ran into Lynn F., a coworker at Utah Title. I gave her a ride home and did do some quick shopping at Smith Food King on 9th & 9th.

About 5 p.m. Estelle called from the bus station and said that she had just gotten in so I went to Greyhound to pick her up. It was really good to see her again. She feels like home with her Tennessee accent. She’s from the same county in Tennessee that my grandpa’s people were from so we could be kinfolk for all I know. Estelle is as thin as a rail, blond, and smokes and is a good hearted soul but she couldn’t have picked a worse time to come to Utah. I told her that she can have the car to sight see, and that I had an obligation I had to go to tonight. She said not to worry that she would probably just rest and go out to get some supper. I also told her that my wife is visiting friends in Juab County south of Provo and that I had a friend staying with me while he's looking for a place. I didn’t want to tell Estelle that I went queer since she last saw me. I was such a good Mormon boy at Ticor.

Back home while getting dressed for the pot luck, Russ came home. I introduced him to Estelle who was making a bed on the couch. Russ and I went to his room and he never asked me anything about how my evening was yesterday or took the least bit interest in where I was going tonight. But like an idiot in love I invited him to go along with Bob McIntier to the MCC pot luck. He agreed to go, I know more for the dinner than my company, but I didn't feel right about not asking him.

Anyways I was looking sharp with my pleated beige pants, my opera shirt, my funky black and yellow tie and my Fedora. Estelle was asleep when Bob came over, so we left and went to pick up another fellow, Ric B.. Ric is a friend of Bob’s and he sings in the Salt Lake Men's Choir. Bob is trying to get him to join the Restoration Church.

Well we went to the Unitarian Church on 13th East and 6th South and immediately after entering the building I knew I had made a mistake in coming. I agreed to go for Bob's sake but I really felt out of place at the MCC gathering. Russ was ignoring me and Bob was surrounded by his old MCC friends. I felt very alienated and not fitting into the cliquishness of MCC. Besides, I am still not comfortable with priest craft, even though Bruce Barton, the pastor of the group, is a sweet man.

My over all feeling at the pt luck was that I missed the association of members of the Restoration Church. So I went off by myself, and sat in the darken Chapel where I prayed a little to my Heavenly Father and Mother. It was dark and peaceful in there and the spirit whispered to me that it was time to let Russ Lane go. I cried a little but I knew it was true. I really have done all that was required of me. I found Russ a job and now he has the income to find his own space and Affirmation is thriving.

Anyway, having the Spirit with me and feeling more calm, I went back to where dinner was being served. Everyone was in their own little cliques chatting happily, so I sat by myself and ate dinner. Across the room, I couldn't bear listening to Russ jabber on any longer so I thought to my self, "This is too much for me to have to bear and to be good to myself. I am going home."

So I went over to Bob and freaked him out by saying that I was going to walk on home, and not to worry I would be fine. I asked him just bring my bowl home. So I left the building and walked down 13th East to 9th South. From there I walked down the hill to 3rd East. From there it was an easy walk to 13th South. As I was walking home in the dark, strains from the tragic aria of Madam Butterfly kept going thru my head. It was so melodramatic but I couldn't help it.

I was so mentally exhausted by the time I got home; but Estelle was up and we visited. She said she drove downtown and saw the temple and got a bite to eat. She caught me up on news at Ticor but those days seem in the distant past.

I went to bed at ten-thirty wondering what to do about Russ. I really want him to leave but I don't want him to stop coming to Church because of me. Anyways I heard Bob drop Russ off shortly after I had went to bed. After coming into the house through the backdoor, he called this Pedro friend of his, who has had the hots for him. I couldn't help but over hear the conversation, and Russ said to this guy that he was ready now to start a relationship with him. In other words, Russ wanted to get laid tonight. I then heard him say some very unkind things about me to Pedro and I just thought my heart would just explode. Russ told Pedro that he would catch the last bus up State Street and then walk the rest of the way to the Avenues in order to spend the night with him. I thought to my self, “You son of a bitch. Here I am, and in love with you so much and you’d rather go all that way and trouble to be with a stranger?” I was beside myself with anger.

As Russ started to leave the house, I opened my bedroom door and said in a very cold, matter of fact way, that tomorrow I wanted the house key back and that he is to leave as soon as possible. He just sounded sick when he said fine and then left. If I had a knife in my heart I could not have been in any more pain.

Tomorrow I am going to tell Russ that he must be out by Tuesday. I know that it doesn't seem like it, but I am doing this for me, not as a way to punish Russ. I have to be good to my self, and Russ isn’t good for my mental heath. I know a lot of this isn’t his fault. It’s just that he pushes a lot of old John F. C. rejection buttons and is bringing up a lot of old unresolved issues. Russ just doesn't see all the beauty that's within me. Will anyone?

After Russ left I laid in bed in a complete state of heart ache. I thought about calling my wife but I don't have the phone number where she is staying. I then decided to call Bob McIntier since he is the Branch President. I asked Bob if I could come over because I was so miserable and didn't want to be alone, but what he said to me was like cold water thrown in my face. Bob said that I was welcome to come over but that he wanted to make it perfectly clear that I had to sleep in the guest room because he wasn't going to "sleep" with members of the Church! I was shocked because I was looking for solace not sex! I'm sure his intentions were better than the sound of his words but I was devastated.

My well is tapped dry. I am bottomed out. I have no more tears. I am just dried up.
Additional Material "Kiss" by Prince & The Revolution is number one song on national charts

20 April 1986 Sunday
I slept very little after having a miserable and terribly worried night. I even had nightmares about Russ. I had such a bad spirit with me. Anyway after getting up I fixed Estelle and I a good country breakfast of biscuits and gravy. She said she slept well on the couch. She wanted to go see the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Sing this morning so I said she better hurry and get ready.

This morning, seeing that Russ was still gone, I couldn't bear to remain in the house so I took Estelle to Temple Square and since it was an absolutely gorgeous day I went over to Johnny W.'s to bring him some books on Egypt that I had and to visit. I was there about 9 a.m. but no one answered, so I went to a car wash place on 3rd East and cleaned the car, hoping that by the time I was finished Johnny would be home or up.

I was also hoping that Jon B. would be there too, because I really needed to talk to him about my feelings for Russ. When I returned, Johnny answered the door but Jon wasn't there, so we sat and visited until noon. Then we went for a little walk. I got sunburned on my face, a little, because it was so warm.

Anyway, Johnny and I got to talking and naturally the conversation returned back to Russ. I told Johnny that I wanted to throw Russ out but didn't know how. Johnny gave me some excellent advice from the 12 step program. He said "Let the Spirit Direct".

He also gave me a copy of a poem written by John Burroughs entitled "WAITING". I just absolutely adored it and meant so much to me. It was like it was written for what I am going through.

Well Johnny wanted me to stay for dinner but I said that I had to go and pick Estelle up from the Crossroads Mall and then get ready for Sacrament Meeting. By the time Estelle and I came home, Russ had returned and was typing some things for Affirmation. I told him that when he was finished I wanted to talk to him. He said that we could talk now so we went back into his room and sat on his bed. I first of all said, “I was not doing this because of you but because of things within me.” I explained that he was pushing too many of my John F. C. buttons and while it's not his fault, I for my mental health sake, I have to ask him to leave. Russ then replied that he could be out Tuesday and I said that would be fine.

Then I continued saying that since he felt like I was violating his "space", I shouldn't do things for him anymore and that he should hand over the house key and take the bus to work. At that point Russ just exploded. There was no other way to describe it. I guess I pushed one of his buttons, and he started raging at me turning red in the face, and was just screaming at me. He yelled that I was being manipulative and that he was mad as hell that my wife and I were thinking that he was ripping us off. He was threatening and very violent, and out of the blew he called me “Edgar”, just the way John F. C. would have said it when he was so frustrated with me. It actually shocked me because I don’t think that Russ even knows that my real name is Edgar. Immediately I felt the Spirit say to me, "Just be calm, listen, and all will be well".

After he calmed down slightly, and I knew that he was not going to hit me, I said, “Russ, neither my wife nor I believe that you are taking advantage of us. The point of all this is, that I am not mature enough to handle the fact that you will be leaving me." At those words Russ who had been towering over me in rage, fell into my arms and we just held each other so tightly and cried and cried. We cried out all our fears and spoke of the love we have for one another. We cried and apologized and cried some more. When I looked up Estelle was standing in the doorway. When she saw me she disappeared out the door.

Before I could say anything, Bob McIntier dropped over on his way to Sacrament and Russ said that I should tell Bob how my feelings were hurt by him from last night when I had asked him to stay with him and he thought all I wanted was sex. So I did and Bob then sat down next to me and held me on my right and said that he was sorry and that what I heard was not how he felt. I said that while my head knew that was true at the time, my heart was not listening. I said I am so new at all this. I want to do what is right, and Bob said that we will work it all out but now it was time for us to get Sacrament together.

So Bob left for Church to set things up at the Crossroad Urban Center while Russ and I stayed a little longer. I laid my head on Russ broad chest, and it felt so secure. We hugged each other and then Russ said that he had had some real resentment against me but that they were gone now after getting this all off his chest. He said that he loved me and appreciated all that I did for him and he said that when people thank him for Affirmation he will say "You should thank My wife and Ben for making it possible". We then kissed.

Out on the porch Estelle was smoking away. I waved to her then rushed off to Church where we were a little late for Sacrament.

Bob was presiding today and the talk was on the Temple’s Oaths and Covenants in preparation for those who will be going to the initiatory ordinances in Los Angles. I had brought cupcakes. At church Russ introduced me to his cousin Randy H.. That was sure a shock. I had no idea that that this man who was suppose to originally put Russ up when he first came to Salt Lake is the same man I met last February at the central library. He was the guy that was so instrumental in my decision to come out of the closet. What a small, small world. God does work in wondrous ways. That’s all I can say.

After Church, Russ had to stay in the building because he didn't have a key to lock up and besides he said he wanted to work on some Affirmation things. I went home to face Estelle.

She didn’t say anything to me, but she had her suit case packed and said that she was ready to leave and wanted to get back home to rest before going back to work. I didn’t protest but thanked her for coming and said I was sorry that my wife wasn’t here and I didn’t get to show her around the city. She said “I’ve seen enough” which I wasn’t sure how to take. But I dropped her off at the Greyhound, waved goodbye and left to get ready for Affirmation.

Tonight was a social and we played trivia pursuit and other board games. Tonight ended so much better than the day began. It came from listening to the Spirit.
Additional material John Burroughs born in Roxbury, New York, April 3, 1837; died March 29, 1921. Considered in his day the foremost naturalist of America, Mr. Burroughs was also one of the foremost men of letters and had the distinction of having been one of the first to recognize and proclaim the genius of Walt Whitman. He grew interested in the poetry of Walt Whitman, whom he frequently defended in literary arguments and later met during a period when Burroughs and his wife were separated. Whitman would become a life-long friend of the Burroughses, and vainly attempted to reconcile the two. Whitman encouraged Burroughs to develop his nature writing, and Burroughs' work in turn improved Whitman's own perceptions of nature. In 1867, Burroughs published Notes on Walt Whitman as Poet and Person, the first biography and critical work on the poet, extensively revised and edited by Whitman himself.
WAITING by John Burroughs (1837-1921)
Serene I fold my hands and wait
Nor care for wind nor tide nor sea
I rave no more gainst time or fate
For lo my own shall come to me
I stay my haste I make delays
For what avails this eager pace
I stand amid the eternal ways
And what is mine shall know my face
Asleep awake by night or day
The friends I seek are seeking me
No wind can drive my bark astray
Nor change the tide of destiny
What matter if I stand alone
I wait with joy the coming years
My heart shall reap where it has sown
And garner up its fruits of tears
The waters know their own and draw
The brook the springs in yonder heights
So flows the good with equal law
Unto the soul of pure delights
The stars come nightly to the sky
The tidal wave unto the sea
Nor time nor space nor deep nor high
Can keep my own away from me
Serene I fold my hands and wait
What e're the storms of life may be
Faith guides me up to heaven's gate
And love will bring my own to me
• Utah State Attorney Says Contracting AIDS is Not by Itself Classed as “Handicap” (SLTribune B14-1)
• The Royal Court of the Golden Spike's 7th annual Golden Spikes Award ceremony held at Backstreet. The Golden Spike Humanitarian Award given to Herman Moore (Donnie Marie) for service to the Gay community. On 3 Sept 1996 Empress XII of the Royal Court of the Golden Spike Empire, “Donnie Marie” Herman Moore, died of AIDS age 43,

21 April 1986 Monday:
The walls are going up at work and coming down at home. Ed Rogers bought some panels to enclose the examiners and I think they really look nice. He got them from CSF. That was Gary Sheets old company that went bankrupt.

My wife and Tony returned home while I was at work. In the evening Jon B. and Gordon J. dropped by so that I could teach Jon some title insurance terms so he would have some knowledge of the business when he is interviewed. They were here when my wife came home from Taylor Maid and she was so ugly and rude to Russ. She was bitching about the utility bills, blaming them on Russ, which is unfair, so we really got into a quarrel over it.

However Jon B.'s sweet spirit was able to sense the mood of the situation and was able to temper it before it blew up out of control. My wife told Jon that she really hates Russ. If she could only realize that Russ isn't the bad guy in this situation she would mellow out. I know it.

So I brought Russ out into the front room and had my wife hold him, and then I held her and then we all held each other in a circle. Jon, Gordon, Russ, my wife, and l all holding each other and trying to solve a lot of issues and differences. I don't know how things are going to work out but communication is the key.
Additional Material Geraldo Rivera, media journalist, opens Al Capone's secret vault on The Mystery of Al Capone's Vault, discovering only a bottle of moonshine.

22 April 1986 Tuesday:
What an absolutely wonderful evening. LGSU sponsored a concert by Romanovsky and Phillips, a Gay folk singing dual, as part of Gay Awareness Week. I've heard some of their songs on KRCL’s concerning Gays and Lesbians and in person they were absolutely delightful.

We went because Bob Mclntier suggested that we all go as part of a Family Home Evening Activity for the branch, but they only ones that went from Church were Russ Lane, Mike H., Bob McIntier, and me. Jon and Gordon said that they didn't want to come along but I really think that while Jon kind of did, he didn't have the money to buy both Gordon and him tickets. I went because Russ bought my ticket as a sweet surprise. Tickets were $5 and all the proceeds went to AIDS research.

There was a pretty good turn out at the concert and it was the first time I went out in public to a Gay activity. I was nervous but glad I did because a good time was had by all. I am starting to get to know Mike H. better. I think he's really a sweet man and is very kind and attentive to me. The song Closet Case made me cry.
Additional Material Romanovsky and Phillips began their career at San Francisco's Valencia Rose Cafe in 1982 as the musical break for Gay Comedy Open Mike Night, sharing the stage with many other performers destined for success including Lea Delaria and Marga Gomez. Before long they were dubbed them the "Gay Simon and Garfunkel." Bolstered by their local success, they mounted their first national tour in the fall of 1983.
• CLOSET CASE from I Thought You'd Be Taller Album 1984
Working in a suit and tie On the twenty-second floor
A wife who cooks and stays at home And children to support
And they provide some comfort From your worries and your cares
But you get your kicks in tearooms From ten-minute love affairs
And that's just fine You won't find a lecture here
But you get more unhappy With each passing year
At the office Christmas party Your wife is by your side
But with all the pretty women It's the men who catch your eye
The old ones are distinguished And the young ones are so sweet
And you would like to dance with them But you have to be discreet
Holding onto ideal That you don't understand
Sacrificing all the love You'd like to give to a man
Martinis on a Friday Business lunch at noon
The secretary's curious Why you left your desk so soon
Rushing out to meet someone That you never thought would call
'Cause you were slightly older And he was dark and tall
Now he is there beside you But there's no place to go'
Cause he has got a roommate And you've got a family at home
Closet case

23 April 1986 Wednesday
I have been depressed all day because Russ told me that he has found a place to move into and he has even put a deposit down on it. He said that he will be ready to move out this Saturday.

In the evening I went over to Bob McIntier’s home to get a Temple Recommend to go through the Temple in Los Angles for the first Initiatory Ordinances of the Restoration Church. Bob is the Presiding Elder in Salt Lake so I had to be interviewed by him. Only two questions are asked during the Restoration Church’s Temple recommend interview. They are “Do you love God with all thy strength heart and mind and what are you doing to show it?" and "Do you love your neighbor as yourself and what are you doing to show it?"

After the Interview Bob and I just talked awhile about the church’s growth and especially about how bummed I was about Russ leaving. It's like all I do is cry now.
Additional Material Otto Preminger, Austrian-born film director best known for Advise and Consent the first American film to break the censor’s code on showing inside a Gay Bar. (1906-1986)

25 April 1986 Friday:
As Russ packed to moved out of the house, my wife, Tony and I went to the movies and saw a supposedly scary movie called "House". It was really stupid and we even walked out of the second feature it was so bad. I wasn't really watching the movies anyway because in the darken theater all I could do is think of Russ leaving.

When we left the show to our surprise it was snowing and it was sticking to the ground. I am so very tired and went straight to bed. Russ is spending his last night at our place so we could both go into work tomorrow and I am the only one with a key to the building.

Yesterday Russ and I sat in his room in the dark for over two hours talking about what we have been through together in such a short time. I cried the whole time and said my goodbyes then. I told him then that I would love to help him move, but I can't. It hurts too much to see him go and I just don't think I'd be able to bear it.

26 April 1986 Saturday:
It was snowing as Russ and I went to work this morning and soon a real blizzard blew in dumping several inches of snow. Because so many others came into work to get the company's production down, Utah Title sprang for breakfast. We only worked until noon when by then the snow had stopped. I asked Russ if he wanted to go grocery shopping with me and he did, so we spent some more time together. I bought about $60 worth of groceries at Smith's Food King and really didn't get all that much. The only extra thing I bought was some essence oil called "Spring Rain". It smells so good on me and even Russ likes it.

After dropping Russ off at his new apartment at 340 South 600 East he asked me in to see it. He's on the second floor of the Juel Apartment and his place is cute and only $200 a month furnished and with heat paid! I was happy for him but I felt so sad about going home to an empty house.

At home my wife came home from work early because she wasn't feeling well. Bronchitis maybe. I just feel so lethargic myself. I have no energy. I am so stressed out and I guess cried out.

I needed to get out of the house so I attended a Gay Pride Day planning meeting held at the Salt Lake Public Library in the late afternoon. In attendance were Beau Chaine, Donny Eastepp, Marc L., and myself.

In the evening I went shopping at Weinstocks at the Crossroads Mall and this real cute sales clerk named Darren Smith waited on me. He said something cute like "Shop until you drop", and I did. I bought over $300 worth of clothes. Lots of Summer and Spring things. Well I really don't have anything to wear and I haven't bought clothes for myself is years. Everything I bought is so cute, lots of pastels, muslins, peach and turquoise things.

Anyways tonight is daylight savings time and it’s the first time that my wife and I have really been alone in probably a month. Even our animals seem mopey without all the company.
Additional Material In Ukraine, one of the reactors at the Chornobyl (Chernobyl) nuclear plant explodes, creating the world's worst nuclear disaster. Thirty-one are killed directly by the incident, many more die from cancer in later years, many thousands more are exposed to significant amounts of radioactive material, and vast territories in Ukraine and Belarus are rendered uninhabitable.
• Broderick Crawford, American actor best known for All the King's Men, and Born Yesterday. (1911-1986)
• "Addicted To Love" by Robert Palmer is number one song on national charts
• September 1, 2004 Case No. 018-04, The Juel Apartment building, located in the Central City Historic District at 340 South 600 East was demolished by Rob Fetzer of Salt Lake Apartment Buildings. On this date he requested post-demolition approval of plan for the Juel Apartment Building.

27 April 1986 Sunday
Today was hard on me because I am going through withdrawals from Russ. It’s a hard time for my wife too with all the changes in my life that is effecting our marriage. I am so very tired, so tired. What does the Bard say about not loving wisely but too well. The house is a wreck again but I don't care. I'm just like a zombie.

Because I was feeling low, I went shopping again but this time at Sears on State Street and 8th South. I bought a tweed sports jacket that looks absolutely handsome on me.

At one p.m. I went over to Bob McIntier's house in Rose Park to be interviewed by Tony Feliz who came up this weekend with Lamar Hamilton to interview people for the Initiatory Ordinances. Elder Lamar Hamilton and I talked awhile about my responsibilities as a Bishop Agent while at Bob's. He gave me some tithing receipt books and other stuff that I am responsible for. After we finished visiting about my calling, I saw Jon B. and went and sat next to him. Being with him he put his arms around me and I suddenly started to weep about Russ leaving. I can't believe how much it hurts to have Russ out of the house, where I could take care of him and love him.

Sacrament Meeting was wonderful and the meeting was filled with the spirit, I think because Elder Hamilton is here. President Feliz, as he is now recognized as head of the church, organized us officially into a Branch today with Bob Mclntier being called to be the Branch President and Mike H. as his first Counselor. That came as a complete surprise to me because I was under the impression that we had been organized last Easter. Still I was so excited for Mike. I recognized that Mike has a sweet spirit since I first met him and anyone else living close to the Spirit could feel it too. We had about 15 people at the meeting today and Elder Lamar Hamilton shared a revelation he had received regarding Our Mother In Heaven. The revelation was given to us to read and will be voted on at June Conference. It was sweet and beautiful. We closed our meeting singing “The Spirit of God Like A Fire Is Burning". We were almost shouting the words; the spirit was that strong with us.

After Sacrament meeting, I visited with and greeted every one who had come to church while Tony Feliz was interviewing several people for Temple Recommends. When Tony had interviewed me earlier this morning, over at McIntier's house, I was perturbed that he asked me questions about tithing, as well as the question Bob had asked me before. I told him I didn't like that. I was also quite candid with him, telling him that I wasn't quite sure what I think of his new "prophetic calling".

Anyway I stayed at the Crossroad Urban Center for Affirmation and I tried to stay through the whole meeting but my heart was so torn over seeing Russ, knowing now I will always be sharing him. I had to leave. I've tried to deny, deny, deny but I do love Russ. But this too shall pass! All I seem to do anymore is cry.

My wife wasn't able to attend today because she has bronchitis. She went to the urgency care doctor's this morning and he said to stay home and rest.

28 April 1986 Monday:
I felt so drained all day. So tired. I'm on my new schedule now working 9 to 6 with an hour off for lunch. My wife took me to work so she could have the car so I walked home. It seems so strange not to have Russ with me in the mornings and going home with me at night. Well I know I have to let Russ go and get on with my life but I don't know how.

Today out of the blue my wife said that she wanted to be baptized into the Restoration Church. I had given her blessing yesterday when she was so sick and today she's well. Thus she's convinced now that I still have my Priesthood and that perhaps what we have been teaching about the Priesthood in the Restoration Church is really true.

My wife's friend Tony is back staying with us and now my wife wants Jon B. to also come live with us.

On TV tonight a rerun of "An Early Frost" was shown. It is about a boy who has AIDS. I bawled all through it. What is wrong with me?
Additional Material- An Early Frost, broadcast on 11 November 1985 on the NBC network, was the first American made-for-television movie and the second prime-time dramatic program to acknowledge the presence and spread of AIDS in the 1980s. Because the movie was about the potentially controversial topic of homosexuality and the impact of AIDS on the beleaguered community of gay men, much care went into the preproduction process.

29 April 1986 Tuesday
I went over to Russ' today for lunch since the Juel Apartment is just across the street from work if you go out the back door and cut across the parking lot. I brought my own lunch to work, but I wasn't hungry so I gave it to Russ. At his place we had a heart to heart talk, and I told him how I really felt about him and he said that he really missed me but not in the same way I miss him.

When lunch was over I made up my mind to let Russ go, and to get on with my life even if it does hurt like hell. Doris, a fellow title examiner at work who analyses handwriting for a hobby, gave me back mine and I was surprise how accurate it was. She said that I was strong willed but hopelessly romantic.

After work I took the 5th East Bus home and fixed spaghetti for dinner. I then went over to Johnny W.'s because he didn't look very well on Sunday. I wanted to see how he was feeling and was surprised to see that Randy H. was over visiting him too and that they were friends. It's strange how life runs in circles.

I bought another tweed jacket at Sears today because they were on sale for $80 instead of $150. I will pick both of them up tomorrow after having them tailored to fit better.

Anyway I got to get Russ out of my system. I’ve got to fill the void with something else. I get such a comfort out being of service to the Lord and knowing that He loves me. I need to through myself back into service.

30 April 1986 Wednesday:
The end of an exciting, painful, and spiritual month. My life has changed so much since the beginning of the month and yet it is the same. I'm a Bishop Agent in the Restoration Church of Jesus Christ and have left the LDS Church entirely. I have a firm testimony of the Restoration Church in my life now but I'm still concerned about it's leadership. I don't understand the need of the high priest quorum yet that Tony Feliz is advocating and who died and made him prophet? The church in the beginning said revelation would be poured out upon all the members of the church.

Anyway I'm still hurting over the vacancy that Russ's leaving has created in my life when he moved out. Kent A. came over today and got the cot that Russ had been using, and now the back room seems so empty. After Russ left I use to go and sleep on the cot just to feel closer to Russ but now my tears have exhausted me. Russ invited me over for lunch today and we had tuna fish sandwiches. But I'm so sad all the time. It's like I'm mourning all over again for John F. C..

I'm going into work at nine now instead of eight and I work until six. Today I worked until six-thirty when I had to stop because my eyes started twitching from reading so many documents and looking at a computer screen. When I left work I stopped by Johnny W.'s to give him a copy of the revelation on Our Mother in Heaven that was handed out last Sunday.

All in all April was a fun month, with meeting new people and being of service to the Lord. I'm sad to see it over so soon. But I am glad that I am actually feeling emotions again, which I had long suppressed, and buried deep inside me. I think they are bubbling to the surface through my tear ducts

May 1986

2006-12-23T11:48:00.001-08:00

1 May 1986 Thursday
Today was such a hard day for me at work and it didn't help matters at all that my wife treated me like shit this morning. I was tired and just wanted to have some time to myself to write some things for church before going into work. Well she kept interrupting my train of thought by asking me one trivial thing after another. It was irritating. I explained that I wanted to write my thoughts down and she said hatefully, "Fuck You”. I really don’t think I deserve that and I’m really getting tired of it.

The house is a complete pig sty and I refuse to clean up after Tony and my wife anymore. I refuse. I'm exhausted mentally and physically, to the breaking point. My wife only works less then ten hours a week and when I see how she lets the house get so unkempt, it really makes me understand that she really doesn't love me. You serve those who you love and I’ve cooked, cleaned and have gone to work everyday, to take care of my wife and I am wondering what am I getting back out of this? Sarcasm. “Fuck You’s”, and emotional roller coasters. One minute she’s all excited about the church and next she disparages it at every turn. Oh, and Cigarette ashes are every where since Tony got my wife back to smoking. Well, I’m tired of her excuses about not being interested in keeping the house up anymore. I’m not going to live like this anymore. It’s too psychologically depressing. If my wife wants to dwell in the past, and stay in a Church that has done nothing but despise her for not being able to be a baby machine, then fine for her, but I've made my break with that Church and I say good riddance to all that Old Testament rubbish.

I wonder if my wife and I are just putting off the inevitable, divorce. Even with all her protesting that she loves me, I don't believe that she even likes me as I'm becoming. And if she loves me why doesn't she take care of me? I do not require much maintenance. If I'm not fulfilling her emotional needs anymore, let alone sexual needs since we've stopped having sex over a year a go, than perhaps she needs to find someone who will give her what she needs. I can't any longer.

I know I will not go back to the LDS Church, and that is at the root of all our fights probably even more than my being Gay. It really frightens her that I can give up something so easily, something which I was devoted to and had loved for long and even desperately for 15 years. Well when its over it’s over. The Mormons tapped that well dry and I am just dry bones in the Mormon church.

My wife is also angry that I am leaving this weekend to go to California to have my temple initiatory ordinances done. Angry or not, I am going.

At work Russ is so smitten with this Mark M. guy who is one of our customers. He sings in his silly way, the tune ”The wicked will be smitten at last" and then says that he must really be wicked because he's smitten with Mark. Oh brother.

2 May 1986 Friday
During the lunch hour I went over to Russ’s new apartment and we again talked about our on going relationship. He said that he needs his space, and that while he loves me, he’s not in love with me. How many times do I have to hear this before it sinks in? We held each other, and I cried a little, and told Russ that I want to let him go but because I love him, it’s hard. But if I do love Russ, I must let him have his own space and the time to accomplish all he needs to do. We cried in each other's arms and I felt his spirit and understood his heart, but I am in so much pain at the loss of his daily association. Should love hurt so much?

Bob McIntier picked me up right after work, and we left for California at six-thirty p.m. to begin our long journey. My wife did not even say goodbye. In Provo we stopped and picked Mike H. up. He’s living at home still so we met his mother who is such a neat lady. He’s out to her and her one concern is his happiness. I really felt her spirit because she is so Christ-like.

We three are the only ones from Salt Lake City that decided to go to California for the Initiatory Ordinances of the Temple. I would not have missed going for the world.

Bob, Mike and I really got to know each other during the long trip and we talked about the Gospel and Gay issues. Oddly we also talked about Mary and her relationship to us as Gay men. That was extremely curious because most Mormons could care less about the mother of Christ. She is not really a part of Mormon theology. Anyway we drove straight through the night and it was a fun if exhausting adventure.

3 May 1986 Saturday
We arrived at Bro. Lamar Hamilton's home in Sunland, which is in the San Fernando Valley, at six-thirty a.m. so it took us a little more than 12 hours to get here. He was away in Palm Springs but has let his home be used for members of the church. At Lamar's we all tried to sleep some, but I was too wired up and was only able to get about an hour of real sleep. And even that was fitful because of my longing for the company of Russ Lane. The absence of him welded up in my heart so much that I began to weep uncontrollably for about two hours.

I had exhausted myself when I felt prompted to write an Epistle of Comfort to my heart, and it was so beautiful to me. I wrote that the Lord said that one of his purpose in coming to the world was to bind up the broken hearted and if I would keep my heart soft and breakable and not let it get harden by the world, then He would use me to bless the lives of others. I was promised if I do so He would keep my heart from actually breaking. I felt from the spirit that He could do this because He understands the human heart, and how it can indeed break because He died of a broken heart on the cross.

After writing down these thoughts, I was then prompted to go ask Mike H. for a blessing. Mike H. gave one of the most beautiful blessings I had ever received in my life. He blessed me that I would be free from the pain of the longing for Russ and that I then would be free to be attendant to the things of the Spirit. He commanded the pain to leave and it did. I love Mike for that and for his compassion towards me.

Immediately I felt a weight lifted, and I felt good enough to call Mom and Dad to let them know that I am in California. They said they wanted to come and get me so we could visit even if only for a few hours. They drove up from Orange County to San Fernando Valley, and we found a Sizzlers Steakhouse. It was so good to see Mom and Dad, especially since my marriage to my wife is dissolving. I hadn't seen my parents since last August when I moved back to Utah. I felt like I was looking good in my light grey slacks, pink shirt and grey tweed jacket.

After eating, my parents drove me to Orange County where I got to see some of the rest of the family. I stayed there in Garden Grove until about 6 p.m. when I had to be over to Downey for the Initiatory Ordinances. They were not at all that curious why I had come down from Utah without my wife. Once I said it had something to do about church they lost interest. They have always been upset that I joined the Mormon Church.

After dropping me off in Downey, I stayed at Pam and Lynn’s apartment, way into the night. I was excited to be there. There were people already there when I came and some others came even after I. The Tabernacle was a portable white canvas or muslin tent constructed with pc pipes so that it could be put up quickly and taken down quickly. It was located in a spare bedroom while we who were waiting for our ordination were seated in the living room.

After everyone who said they were coming to the ordination was there, President Feliz offered a beautiful dedicatory prayer. In his dedicatory prayer he said that we who are here are truly pioneers and its hard work being pioneers. Amen to that. I am so filled with the spirit that I feel like shouting Hosanna yet at the same time the spirit is speaking such peace to my soul.

A sweet spirit rested upon me after the prayer and I know that what we are doing in the Restoration Church, in Christ’s name and for the love of him, is Holy and of God. Coincidently, or maybe not, there are twelve of us here for the first ordinance to be performed in this Tabernacle of the Church of Jesus Christ of All Latter Day Saints.

As we each quietly reflected while waiting each of our turn, I thought to myself that I am so grateful to be surrounded by such lovely people. I do love Pam Calkins. What a mighty prophetess we have in our midst. Even President Feliz was sweet and humble.

While sitting and waiting, I looked across the room and saw this young man. The spirit spoke to me and said, "Know him", so I went over to him and said, "I need to know you." That was a very strange for me to do but he told me that his name was Mark Bluto. I asked him for his address so we could correspond when I return to Salt Lake.

I was sitting next to Bob McIntier and he was so sweet and had a calming effect on me. Without words he whispered to my soul and we embraced. I love him and Mike H. so very much. I know they are called of God and are Godly men.

I want to capture the feelings of having my washing and anointing performed in the Tabernacle of the Lord. As I am sitting in the Tabernacle of the Lord in Los Angeles County, California, where it is set up in the home of Sisters Pamela Calkins and Lynn L., it's nearly 9 p.m. Although I am weary from the lack of sleep and from the drive down from Salt Lake City, I have a sweet peaceful feeling about me as I sit in Pam and Lynn's front room. I am waiting to have my washing and anointing performed or rather renewed since I've already taken out my endowments.

When it was my turn I undressed and I found it so natural to have Elder Pamela Calkins performs the washing part of the ordination. It was sweet, and sacred. Elder Antonio Feliz performed the anointing of oil. The spirit I felt here is greater, more real, more profound love then I ever received in the LDS Church. I felt the real presence of Spirit and of Angels. After I came from the ordination room those who were in the living room hugged and kissed me.
Additional Material "West End Girls" by Pet Shop Boys is number one song on national charts

4 May 1986 Sunday
After the ordinances yesterday Bob McIntier and I drove back to Sunland, while Mike H. stayed with Eddie M. at Lynn and Pam’s apartment.

Lamar Hamilton is away all this weekend in Palm Springs and it sure was sweet of him to let us stay at his house. I think however that he’s away because he doesn’t quite approve of the church doing temple ordinations so quickly. At least that is what Mark Bluto implied.

Tony Feliz, when he was married, had been set apart to be a Temple Worker. When Harold B. Lee, who was giving him a blessing, told Tony that he would be instrumental in bringing the blessings of the Temple to his people, Tony said that at the time he thought the Lord meant Latinos but since coming to term with being Gay he realizes now that the Lord meant that the blessings of the temple were to be given to Gay people.

This morning Bob and I had to get up early, to be in Downey/Bellflower by 11 a.m. to participate in a Prayer Circle. We needn’t have rushed however because President Feliz was late arriving because he's staying at Mark Bluto's and Mark decided not to participate. So those who did participate were John Crane, Antonio Feliz, Pam Calkins, Mike H., Bob McIntier, and I. It was a sweet, holy, and sacred experience.

While waiting for Tony to arrive, I asked Pam Calkins for a blessing. I felt I needed a blessing from a woman's heart. The Lord spoke through Pam to me about things about my wife and I that only the Lord would have known. I was so moved by the Spirit that I was in tears and the blessing lasted nearly a half hour. Lynn who had laid her hands on my head with Pam, was so overcome by the Spirit that she collapsed and almost passed out. It was such a beautiful and powerful blessing and it was directed towards my wife as well as me. The Lord said that I was to put my wife first in my life and resolve our relationship and by doing so eventually the Lord would allow others to come into my family.

But back to the Prayer Circle, I felt that the Lord was watching over me. I added several names to the prayer list including my parent’s names, Steve and Meg, my uncle Milton, and of course John F. C.. Strange how I didn’t include my wife’s name, now that I think about it.

In the Prayer Circle, Tony Feliz mentioned again that we were the pioneers and that it’s hard work, and scary, to be pioneers but I added "Yes but it’s also exciting!" And I am excited about this great and gloriest movement brought about by the Lord to gather the harvest, or more like it, to glean the fields for that which no one else wants. The good shepherd is looking for all His little Lambs who have gone astray.

We stayed in the sacred prayer room for about two and a half hours discussing Sacred matters of the Kingdom of God. Most of the details of what went on in the prayer circle are too sacred to reveal now, but Tony Feliz did share with us, who were present, some sacred matters that only those who had chosen to come to this Prayer Circle were to know. He said that the Lord told Tony that those of us who were present at this Prayer Circle were to be His servants because of our faith and diligence. He more or less said that we would be called to the High Priest Quorum of the Church. Anyways I never felt the spirit as strong as I did there, and the atmosphere was so holy that we were all shedding tears of joy and love! Simply put we had an out pouring of the Spirit.

After the Prayer Circle ended we all had to rush to get to church on time in Hollywood. The church here in Los Angeles meets in a Methodist Church in the Los Feliz district. They also have a Priesthood meeting as well as a Sacrament.

The Priesthood lesson, oddly enough, was given by David Ewing on the nature of Mary, the Mother of Christ. David use to be a Catholic Priest and a lot of what he said about the nature of Mary was lost on me, but I do feel like there is a lot of truth in the concept that Mary who had her calling and election made sure from the time of her birth, was sinless and a pure vessel to bare the Lord. As to whether she may be indeed our Heavenly Mother, whose Spirit was allowed to gain a body at the Meridian of Time so She could bare her Son, is open to speculation but it makes sense. If this is true then Mary was a wife of Heavenly Father from the beginning of time and not His daughter. Thus it was lawful for Him to conceive with Mary. It's really interesting and strange how that Bob, Mike, and I were prompted to discuss the nature of Mary on our trip down to California. We had no idea that this would be the topic for the lesson today. Perhaps Heavenly Mother will reveal herself through the Restoration Church.

Today was Fast and Testimony meeting and it was so beautiful. Sacrament was blessed by Michelle and Janice, two straight women who had joined the church. Michelle is about 50 years old, and Janice is about 40. Both are very intelligent but in an unorthodox quirky kind of way, I can see how they could not conform to the LDS rigid view of womanhood. When Michelle and Janice blessed and passed the Sacrament wine and bread, I started crying because then I knew that God loves all His children, male and female, without regards to gender. The Spirit testified to me that it was right and proper that these straight women should be Priesthood holders, and thus truly handmaidens to the Lord.

After Tony Feliz turned the time over for the bearing of Testimonies I was so bursting that I had to go first. I couldn't help crying as I bore my testimony of how precious and right it was to see women serving the Sacrament and I also expressed what a sacred experience was had in the Tabernacle yesterday. I also said that I wanted to express our love to the Los Angeles Family from the Branch in Salt Lake City and how grateful we are for their faith and their work in the Restoration movement. I bore my testimony that I believe Joseph Smith is pleased with this work and that Christ is at its head and as long as He remains there we can not stray. I said that I believe Tony Feliz to be a prophet, that Pam Calkins to be a prophet, Lamar Hamilton to be a prophet, and John Crane also. I am grateful to belong to a Church where the gift of prophesy is poured out upon our heads.

Mike H. bore his sweet testimony as did Bob McIntier. Bob was so sweet to me and we held hands all through the meeting. On the other side, I held hands with Lynn L. I felt so much love there.

After Sacrament we hugged and we kissed and fellowshipped each other before having a pot Luck dinner which was great. I sat with Michelle and Janice and visited with them. When we were ready to leave I hugged every member there and expressed my gratitude to them because I told them what we have in Salt Lake is built on a foundation laid down by them. It was a long drawn out process saying goodbye to everyone until only Tony Feliz and Eddie M. were left with Mike, Bob, and I. Tony stayed because he said he needed to interview Mike H. and Bob McIntier on some matter. Eddie stayed with us because he wanted to be with Mike and because he’s Tony’s ride. Besides that Eddie has the keys to lock up the building.

While Mike was being interviewed Bob played hymns on the piano and I went over to Eddie M. and held him in my arms. We sat and talked because he was feeling blue that Mike was leaving. He has a crush on him and who wouldn’t? I said to him in effect paraphrasing the poem Waiting “be patient in waiting for those who are seeking you. They will find you and know your face”. He seemed a little comforted by that so I continued saying “perhaps people are waiting to grow up or waiting for you to grow older. Perhaps there's something the Lord has in mind for you that you don’t even know about yet. But when we left Eddie cried anyway. He’s such a dear sweet spirit.

Bob, Mike, and I got on the road after nine p.m. but we were feeling giddy and in Hollywood so we decided to cruise up Hollywood Boulevard then down Santa Monica. It was so much fun, just like my carefree college days. Bob wanted to stop at this card shop on Santa Monica Boulevard so Mike and I hit the street walking up to this corner to see how many offers we could get from the men cruising for hired sex. It was so funny we laughed all the way back to the car.

We were on our way back to Utah after taking the San Bernardino Freeway. Mike H. drove all the way into Las Vegas. There we stopped at this Carl Jr.'s hamburger joint where I took out my contacts. They felt like sand in my eyes because I had not cleaned them in a couple of days. I didn’t bring my contacts container to put them in so I improvised. I bought two condoms out of a machine in the bathroom, filled them with a little water and but my contacts in them. I tied the ends differently so I was able to keep them straight. I think I was ingenious. Mike thought it was funny but practical. We were having so much fun and seeing the bright lights of Las Vegas was dazzling. I drove out of Las Vegas to just before Virgin River Canyon where Bob took over. I wanted to drive further but said I just could not keep my eyes open any longer. It was nearly 4 a.m. Well, Bob took over and drove us into Utah to Cedar City where by then the sun was up. I drove from Cedar City to Nephi, and Mike drove from Nephi on in to Orem. All through the trip we expressed our love and concern for each other by holding each other hands and showing real brotherly concern. We rubbed each others stiff backs and necks and made sure that each was doing okay. The Lord’s spirit was so magnified among us as we traveled safely back home through the dark. What a road trip.
Additional Material: Mark Douglas Bluto was born in Vermont on December 16, 1951. He died in Orange, CA, on May 6, 1987 of AIDS.

5 May 1986 Monday:
I am home, tired, and sleepy. I slept all day and didn't go into work. Russ Lane called and said we need to talk tomorrow at lunch. I did tell my wife about our blessing from Pamela Calkins and she just said “Big deal,” and lit up another cigarette. Tony spent the weekend here and I guess will be staying permanently for a while. I guess he doesn’t miss his wife and kid in Minnesota. Russ told me that Jon B. was hired today at Utah Title as an entry level title examiner. I guess he starts tomorrow. I haven’t seen much of Jon or Johnny W. lately. I heard that Johnny is moving to St, George or somewhere in Southern Utah because it reminds him more of Egypt.

6 May 1986 Tuesday:
It was good to see Jon at work today. He’s actually starting out in the copy room until I can train him. Russ was all giddy today. He wanted to talk about Affirmation at lunch and said that he’s looking for a new place to meet because the group has outgrown the Crossroad Urban Center. He thinks its tacky there, I think its homey. I will always have an attachment to the center and hopes he doesn’t move us soon. I bet he won’t because if nothing else the price is right. Free.

My wife and I are growing further and further apart. She talks to Tony constantly about what is going on here and his mother in Levan is telling her to divorce me for leaving the LDS Church. Russ says I should divorce my wife so I can live as a openly Gay man. It’s not that simple. Besides I don’t know what we would do with Sam and Toby and the cats if we split. We have had Sam since we were married in 1977 and he is getting pretty old but Toby is just about six years old. However Toby is totally devoted to Sam and it would break his heart to be separated from him. It sounds silly but the dogs are the only children we have since the doctors said that my wife and I are infertile together. If we’d had married other people we probably could have had children.

7 May 1986 Wednesday:
I went to John Cooper’s group Affirmation group for the first time in months, just to get out of the house. It so strange how I have out grown this little group in such a short time. In some ways it feels like light years ago when I sat in my car debating whether or not to enter the Crossroads Urban Center. There were only about five guys there including John and myself. In some ways it was easier to share some personal things that are going on in my life rather then with the Wasatch group.

As much as hate to admit it, Russ is really putting the fire back into Affirmation. Every meeting there are more and more people. John Cooper said that he’s thinking of moving to California and if he does he will close the Salt Lake Affirmation group down. I guess he’s been involved with it for over five years in one way or another. He’s been the director for the past three years I think.
Additional Material 9 May 1986-Salt Lake Men’s Choir Third Annual Spring Concert held at Bryant Intermediate School. Nearly 400 people attended. Directors were Brent Carter and Farris Cooper. John Sasserman, Business Manager of Triangle Magazine criticizes the Men’s Choir for not being open about being a Gay Men’s Choir. Ric Belnap President of the Salt Lake Men’s Choir takes exception to the Triangles criticism.
Additional Material 10 May 1986- Saturday AIDS in Utah was the subject of a roundtable broadcast on KSL featuring, Dr. Harry Gibbons of the state health department, John Lorenzini from AIDS Project Utah, Physician Kristen Ries MD and Immunologist Jay Jacobson
• "West End Girls" by Pet Shop Boys is number one song on national charts.

11 May 1986 Sunday
My wife left Friday with Tony S. for Levan so I was on my own this weekend. I spent much of the weekend cleaning house and doing laundry and taking care of the animals. They must feel something is going on because they sure are clinging to me and they seem agitated.

I went to Sacrament Meeting and Jon B. was there with Gordon. Bob McIntier presided and Mike H. conducted the meeting. I am feeling rather left out. I am the Bishop Agent and yet I am never called to any church business meetings. I hear things second hand or sometimes not at all. The only time I am called at all is to pick something up or set up the upstairs room at the Crossroad Urban Center. The magic that was just last week seems to be vaporizing. So far the only thing I have been responsible for is sending Bob and my tithing offerings off to Lamar Hamilton. Bob McIntier at the end of the meeting asked if anyone would be willing to make an entrance for the church at the Royal Court of the Golden Spike Empire's Coronation at the end of the month. Before I realize what I was doing I volunteered. I have no idea what Coronation is or for that matter is a Royal Court? Sometimes I wish the spirit would quit pushing me.

At Affirmation tonight I bet there were thirty-five people there. There were at least five on every couch, two deep on the floor and at least seven were out in the foyer. I went out in the foyer to be with people who were coming in late and greeted them. Russ had some speaker for tonight’s meeting but I couldn’t for the life of you tell you who it was. Some church lady. After the meeting I saw Russ just fawning over this new kid named Frank F.. I visited with this kid named Willy Marshall who came with Jon B. and Gordon J.. I also met this man with a gorgeous smile and who just beamed friendliness. His name is Beauchaine. He shakes everyone’s hand, pats them on the back and makes you feel like he’s your long lost brother. How could you not like that? He talked about some Gay community center that he’s involved with and the Gay Hot line that people can call for help or information.
Additional Material The patio is open at Backstreet with Michael Ball as manager. On 5 Jun 1990 Royal Court of the Golden Spike Emperor VII Michael Ball died at the age 36.
• Willy Marshall became the first Gay mayor of any town in Utah when he was elected mayor of Big Water as a Libertarian candidate in 2001.

13 May 1986 Tuesday
Long day at work and I am mentally as well as physically drained. More than that I am emotionally drained. Yesterday I was pretty good about pulling back from Russ and trying to let him go, then today he gives me a picture of himself with an endearing message written on the back. I thought "Oh Shit” and I went over to his cubical and asked him, "Why did you do that?” I couldn’t’ believe it. Just when I'm finally letting go, he pulls me back in. So today I'm back to square one.

I felt like I needed to talk again to Russ, and explain how I feel about him giving me his picture. I wanted to let him know that I was still trying to sort out my feelings for him and this kind of mixed message doesn’t help. So I asked Russ if I could come over for 15 minutes during lunch to talk and he said sure but then mentioned that Frank F. was also coming over during lunch and so Russ asked me to wait until one before coming over. He would call me to let me know if I could come over or not!

It took me a while to realize what Russ had done to me; the wounding was so clean and quick. I didn't even realize I was wounded until I emotionally began to bleed. I went back to my terminal to think why I was feeling so awful, then it dawn on me what he have done. I saw him leave for lunch without even saying goodbye to me and I began to feel sicker and sicker until it was after one o’clock. He didn't call. It was a good thing that he didn't call me because by that time I was so mad that I would have told him where to get off right there and then.

By God I will not take a back seat to Frank F.! What the fuck has he ever done for Russ that I should have to come after him? Fuck that! All I have ever asked from Russ is for him to treat me with some dignity and he doesn't. Well I’m done with Russ this time and he can’t hurt me anymore. If he can't be there for me, then I'm under no obligation to be there for him. And for me to have to come after Frank!! Unbelievable! I'm so upset I can't even cry.

When Russ came back from lunch I totally ignored him. I was professional but not personable. He called me on the phone to joke with me but I was only civil to him not friendly. Russ went too damn far this time and my heart just won't take it. Loving Russ hurts too much. Needless to say I had a hard time keeping my composure at work for the rest of the day and I worked late until 9 p.m.

Jon B. and Johnny W. invited my wife and I over for a late dinner. We stayed until ten-thirty p.m. and my wife was fascinated with this woman named Lily who was also a guest. They visited for most of the evening while I talked to Jon B. some about what Russ did to me. Jon agreed that I deserve to be treated better than that.

Well Russ doesn't know it yet but he's going to miss me when I'm gone and I am gone. I don't know what he could do to make it right again. I feel stronger about being a Gay man and I know also that the Lord is binding up my broken heart because I do feel His love and presence. The Lord promised me that if I would keep my heart soft and tender he would bind up my broken heart and He has. So truly grateful for that.

It is interesting to me that when I reread a prompting given to me on the 1st of April when I was trying to understand how there could be two quorums of Apostles on the Earth at the same time, I had written that I believed that Russ was the Lord's friend, but then I was prompted to change the wording to that Russ was the Lord's servant. That’s a subtle change but now I think I understand why. Like my wife said being a friend is a two way street.

Today the cute computer trouble shooter was working on my terminal for most of the day and kept looking at me with really intense brown eyes. His smile sent a shiver up my back and I felt kind of a lost opportunity when he left, a missed connection.

14 May 1986 Wednesday
It was so hard today seeing Russ so sad this morning. It immediately softened my heart towards him. Later on encountering him in the dead file room, I said to him, "Russ I can handle any fucking thing you can dish out-except for seeing you so sad. But he remained aloof and distant to me, and I to him for the rest of the day.

Jon B. and I went home for lunch and we talked for most of our lunch hour. Jon is such a sweet man and I care for him but I'm not in love with him or him with me. As we visited, he helped me understand that Russ is looking for a knight in shining armor and I wasn't him. Jon said that he thought Russ is rather frivolous at work and is going to get in trouble if he doesn't get more serious. He said the girls in the copy room all gossip about Russ being Gay and they wonder about me because I spend so much time with him. While it felt good to have someone on my side, validating my feelings that what Russ is doing to me is unworthy, deep in side I was leaping to Russ' defense. I'm such a fool.

Russ went home again for lunch without speaking to me. I was so hurt that I took the picture that Russ gave me and placed it in his desk drawer along with some the Mate' tea that I only bought to remind me of him. I didn't want it anymore.

Needless to say the rest of the afternoon was very stressful for me but Bob E. called me into his office to ask if I knew of anymore people who are looking for jobs? That really pleased me that he valued my opinion that much. However I told him I didn't know of anyone who I could recommend. Certainly not Gordon J. who has really turned into a mess. He is drinking so much and I hardly see him at church anymore. Jon is trying to find an easy way to break up with him. Is there such a thing? An easy way to break up?

At the end of the day the sales rep, Carrie, asked if I could stay and help after work with an office tour for customers. I said, certainly, but that I had to leave at 6 to take care of some business but I would be back in plenty of time. I didn't tell her but the business I had to take care of was Russ.

At 6:20 I went over to his apartment and said I needed to talk to him. We sat on the couch about as far apart as we could and I began to try and explain what I was feeling, and why. I let him know how much his picture sent mixed messages to me about his feelings for me. We talked about how hurtful it feels, my having to schedule time to even come and see him. I told him that things are shaky in my own life right now with my wife. Russ just got mad and we began to argue with each other and in the heat of the fight Russ, again out of the blue, called me Edgar instead of Ben. He sounded just like John F. C.. It totally freaked me out. It startled Russ too and he stopped yelling at me. It was the strangest thing. Am I really just resolving old conflicts I had with John F. C. through Russ Lane?

That incident was so bizarre that Russ and I calmed down and began to really talk and I finally said to Russ that it was really hard on me discerning him as a friend and also being in love with him too. But I said I will not let what never was, affect the friendship of what can be between us. We ended up holding each other before I left to go back to the office. Time absolutely slipped away and it was nearly eight when I got back there and I was suppose to be there to help on the tour at seven. I thought my ass would really be grass but Carrie was really nice and said that it was alright and I promised her that I would do it again for her when ever she wanted me to.
Additional Material 15 May 1986 Migration May Add AIDS Cases to Utah (SLTribune B8-4)
• Survey Lists Data on Jails AIDS (SLTribune B9-1)

16 May 1986 Friday:
Bob McIntier gave me several assignments for Church to do while he's gone. I was finally able to contact someone from the Royal Court to find out what I have to do to make an entrance for the Church. I really don't want to do it, but the Lord put the words in my mouth that I would so I will. In the evening my wife and I got the most interesting phone call from her friend Eve in California. Eve is going to join the LDS Church, but told my wife that she was a Lesbian and living with a transsexual woman. My wife told her that the LDS Church doesn’t exactly welcome Gay people so we referred her to Pam Calkins. Pam will be able to help Eve sort out her conflict. I told Eve that it didn’t matter which Church she joined, The Restoration Church or LDS Church as long as she accepts the Gospel. My wife was truly amazed by the coincidence of this phone call, because Eve said that she's been trying to reach us for 7 days. She said that she felt like she really needed to talk to us. God truly works in marvelous ways.

17 May 1986 Saturday:
It truly was a beautiful spring day in the Rockies. I was able to accomplish everything that Bob McIntier has asked me to do. I was able to take care of the Royal Court business and make arrangements for Sacrament Meeting. I even returned an overdue record to the library and they didn’t charge me for it. That was neat.

Later I went to Weinstocks at the Crossroads Mall and bought some more summer clothes that were now on sale. I saw Russ at the mall and we visited. I even asked him if he would be willing to baptize me in the Restoration Church. He said that he would so all I need to do now is to get permission from Tony Feliz and Bob McIntier.

In the late after noon I went to the HPER Building up on campus had a wonderful time soaking in the sauna. While there some college kids came in and where looking each over and nearly passing out from the heat until I finally told them I will watch the door so they aren’t disturbed if they want to get together and I did. They were so grateful and I got to help some Gay guys get together who would not have been able to with out my assistance.

In the evening I went out to the Cottonwood Mall to pick up my wife from Taylor Maid and not wishing to stay home we went looking for Jon B.. Over at Johnny W.’s we encountered Willy Marshall. He was looking for Jon also. When no one answered the door I said I bet that he's over at Bob McIntier's, house sitting, while Bob’ in New Zealand.

We both drove over to Bob's where indeed Jon was staying with Gordon J.. We were invited in and we spent the evening talking about the Libertarian Party and politics in general. My wife really likes Willy and his politics. Willy and Jon sat on the couch holding hands, and Gordon J. was kind of being standoffish. I don't think that Gordon likes Willy because he pays too much attention to Jon. Anyways I thought it was funny when Willy called the Restoration Church's Family Home Evening night, "Family Homo Evening". Anyways Gordon J. did not appear to be well. He thinks he might have pneumonia. He's so thin and gaunt that I hope that's all he has.
Additional Material The Connection, a Gay restaurant next to the INBETWEEN opened. Located at 529 West 200 South with owner Dean Weideman.
• 17 May 1986 Greatest Love Of All" by Whitney Houston is number one song on national charts

18 May 1986 Sunday:
I talked with John F. C. today! Out of the blue he called me! It was so good to hear his voice. It makes me think that he must still care about me in someway after all these years. The last time I saw John was in 1972, and it nearly broke my heart then. I asked him how has he been and he said that he's been sick but is well now. Some kind of stomach trouble. While we talked, he said that he was ready for some type of change in his life. He wants a career change and I said perhaps I can help him get on at Utah Title if he wants to move to Utah. I was surprised but delighted when he said that he would consider it. I can’t say how wonderful it would be to be able to help take care of John F. C. again after all these years. He will always be the “Man who Got Away.”

Sacrament Meeting went well and today with many new comers. Mike H. conducted the meeting and presided in Bob's absence. Erick S. from Provo gave a good talk on magnifying the Priesthood. Two investigators came today. Marc L., and Cy Fs, a friend of Mike H.'s from Provo. Mark was so impressed with our little congregation that he took a membership form. Great! My wife came to Church today and the others in attendance were Russ Lane, Cy F., Randy H., Gordon J., Jon B., Marc L., Erick S., Craig H., Mike H. and I. It was a great meeting, discussing sex and spirituality. Today is our last time at the Crossroad Urban Center because next week we will be meeting in Rose Park at the West Salt Lake City’s Multipurpose Center. It’s much closer to Bob McIntier and inconvenient for anyone without transportation. I will miss attending the Crossroad Urban Center. To me it will always seem like a second home and I thought it cozy.

I didn’t go to Affirmation tonight but rather stayed home and watched a movie about a rescue of Americans from Iran. I think I just didn’t have the energy to deal with Russ. I went to bed missing John F. C. so much that my throat lumped up and I grieved over what never was; a life with him.
Additional Material Graham Bell, former LGSU officer, and Idaho legislator Robert Forrey appeared on KUTV’s Take Two hosted by Rod Decker. Forrey was publicly supporting an anti-gay comic book entitled, “Homosexuality: Legitimate, Alternative Death style.” Forrey felt that the book should be read by children to prepare them to resist Gay recruitment and to educate them in the evils of homosexuality.

22 May 1986 Thursday
I have so many mixed emotions. I have been so exhausted by them that I hardly have the energy to write. I have been tired all week from my wife and I talking divorce. We aren't angry with each other but we know that we will have to dissolve our marital bonds sooner or later so that we can both get on with the direction our new lives are taking us. Or should I rather say my new life?

Today Bob E. moved me into a new office, back in the recording department. I had to do all the desk, computer and equipment moving myself. I bought some plants for my office today and a clock radio so I can still listen to KRCL. I am really tired just from that. I made some muffins last night and brought about two dozen for people at work. I gave Russ Lane a half dozen, and Jon B. three and the rest to the people I like.

I have really felt strange regarding Russ all day today, kind of sad and depressed. I don't know why. I hear The Miami Sound Machine new song "Words Get in My Way" and I start feeling heart sick again. I must try to put him in the past. We will never be anything to one another so why keep bothering?

It didn't help that Russ kept rubbing my back a lot today when we were alone, and I'm not sure why but it didn't soften my heart any. It just made me all the more determined to get out of this relationship. What relationship? Shit I'm not getting anything out of it but heartache. I'm so miserable most of the time when I am around him but alas life does go on.

I guess I'm really on the pity pot about both Jon B. and Russ Lane. Things aren't as I expected at work. Like I don't expect undying devotion from either of them, just because I stuck my neck out to help them get a job here at Utah Title, but I really did think that I would have friends at work to take my breaks with and to go to lunch with and that sort of camaraderie that I had at Ticor. But Russ just goes home for lunch at the Juel Apartment and Jon takes off too somewhere and neither of them ever asks me to go along. I would love to tag along, just for the company, but I know it's wrong to expect anything from anyone.

My wife and Tony went to China Village for dinner tonight. I just didn't want to go out with them and pretend to be all cheerful that things are going to work out. That illusion is fading fast. The weather is so much cooler than it was yesterday.

Before going to bed Tony Feliz called from Los Angeles because he needs me to get eight seven-foot PC pipe poles for the Tabernacle that they will be bringing here this Saturday. They didn't have room to transport the poles from there.

23 May 1986 Friday
I really had the pits of a morning and of course Russ Lane was at the root of it. Earlier in the week I had asked him to go to the Royal Court's Coronation, this weekend, with me but this morning he said that he's decided not to go. That just stunned me, but before I had a chance to recover from that zinger, he zaps me again asking how long my baptism would take because his aunt had invited him over for a picnic on the day that I planned for it. Recovering quickly, I regained my wits enough to say, "never mind about my baptism because I'm not entirely certain that you could do it, not being a member of the Church and all," and I walked away and left it at that. Russ again had left me feeling small and insignificant.

For the sake of my pride or what's left of it, I didn't want to let on to Russ that I was devastated by his backing out of going to Coronation. He said that he wanted to go to represent Affirmation there and of course I was going to represent the Church. My wife had even bought our tickets from some guy she works with at the Cottonwood Mall. Now I'm stuck with an extra $16 ticket.

I felt like crying all morning. I was totally flattened. I didn't understand why Russ dumping on me this time should affect me so severely. It's not like it's the first time. Analyzing my feelings, it finally dawned on me that the reason I was smarting so much was that I was actually scared to death to be going to Coronation by myself. I was depending on Russ Lane for moral support and now I realize I am left out there, really out there, on my own.

Lynn F. was so sweet to me this morning. She sensed my mood and was so concerned about me. She told me that she could tell I wasn't my usual self and she said she wanted Ben back. That was so very kind of her.

Anyway I said to myself, "Self you have got to terminate that boy". It is so true. I can't keep on letting Russ let me down. So I decided to take Russ out to lunch for the last time then Kaput! Finis! and that's what I did. I took him to Sizzler's on 4th South and I just let him talk all he wanted because I knew that this would be for the last time. Russ went on and on about how he was angry that HAPPY ADS wouldn't run his Affirmation advertisement because of the word Gay. Anyways after lunch, I was done with him.

The rest of the day was so hard on me emotionally but I managed to hang in there. After work when Jon B. came by office, we visited about my feelings a little bit. I also asked him if he would go to Coronation with me as my guest. He was noncommittal but said that he thought he could, so at least that is taken care of. Jon B. then said that Willy Marshall and he were planning on going out tonight, and he asked me if I wanted to come along. I said sure. Jon said that he'd me call at 8 then he left. Later when Russ was leaving he came by my office and asked for a ride to Church this Sunday in Rose Park. I said I would. How could I not? Going to Church is not the same as really doing things together.

I walked home from work, instead of taking the bus, because it was so nice out and while cutting through Liberty Park I encountered Beau Chaine who was putting up a booth for the Fitness Fair at the park tomorrow. He needed a hand putting up the tent booth so I helped him for about an hour before taking off. While helping him, we visited and got to know each other a little better. He sure is a go getter and has his hands full of projects in the Gay community.

When I reached home, my wife was there but she didn't want to go out. So when Jon called, I drove over to Johnny W.'s place on 1st South near the Blue Mouse Theater where Jon B. and Gordon J. are living while Johnny is in Southern Utah. Jon and I waited for Willy Marshall while Gordon was antsy to go bar hopping. Gordon left to go to Backstreet but since Jon didn't want to go dancing, we stayed and waited for Willy.

I really like Willy and when he finally arrived we sat around and talked about Libertarian Party and about Big Water, Utah. Willy said that the town of Big Water is the community where Alex Joseph the polygamist lives. The town's gone entirely Libertarian through the efforts of Willy so he is really excited about the prospects of moving there. Willy also said the town is starting a soft ball team but doesn't know what to name the team. He said that some on the team want to be called the Big Water Polygs but some of the monogamous wives in town down there strongly objected. I suggested that they call them selves The Big Water Pollywogs and Willy laughed and said "Yeah and they can say that they practice Pollywogamy!" We started laughing and making up names. I also said well they could also call themselves the Latter Day Aints. Willie really liked that one too.

Willy is running for Justice of the Peace in Davis County on the Libertarian Ticket and June 7th is the Libertarian Convention here in Salt Lake and I told Willy that I'll be sure to be there.

After a while Willie said he wanted to go over to Russ Lane's place but didn't know if he would still be up since it was around ten p.m. I cattily commented that Russ would get it up for you! In more ways than one!" Anyways divine justice prevailed because when we went over to see Russ he wasn't home or had already gone to bed, in either case he wouldn't answer his bell, so he missed the chance to be with Willy on whom he has this big crush. So with those plans dashed we decided to go to Dee's Restaurant on 4th South for a late snack since by now it was nearly midnight.

I felt just like a kid again. It was so much fun being with Jon and Willy. At Dee's, I ordered cheese soup, which was yummy, and also ordered a banana split which we all shared.

Around twelve-thirty a.m. we made our way back to Jon's place where we sat around and visited some more until Willie suggested that we turn off the lights and all three of us snuggle. Willie is so much into touching and cuddling. So we turned the lights off and listened to FM 93, which played the neatest songs like If You Leave and No One's to Blame, all night long. I don't think I enjoy anything more than lying in the dark listening to Rock and Roll music, especially the songs that bring back the old memories. It was such an excellent ending to such a horrible morning.

As we talked in the dark I told Willy that I care more for Russ than he does for me. Willie replied "That's okay because Russ cares more for me than I do him! And I thought yes life isn't fair but it is just. What goes around comes around.

It was truly a sweet, memorable, wonderful evening; a night to remember lying side by side with Sweet William and Beloved Jon. What extraordinary guys. I'm grateful to my Eternal Father and Mother and my dear Jesus Christ for letting me know these special people.

I didn't get home until almost 4 a.m. and by then it was Saturday morning. It was crazy to stay out so late when I have so much to do but the Lord knows that I needed the emotional strokes.
Additional material- Sterling Hayden, American actor best known for his appearance as Gen. Jack D. Ripper in Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb where he was obsessed with precious bodily fluids. (1916-1986)
• 23-25 May 1986- Metropolitan Community Church’s Northwest district conference was held in SLC with Resurrection MCC hosting. Conference held at the Salt Lake Sheraton Hotel. Conference coordinator was Bruce Harmon and the theme of the conference was “Blessed Be the Ties That Bind.” The primary reason for the conference is to gather for fellowship and to conduct the business of the district“ Stated Bruce Harmon. Nearly 200 people attended. Reverend Bruce Barton read a letter of greeting to the conference attendees from Mayor Palmer de Paulis and Utah Governor Norman Bangerter. Metropolitan Community Church held a District Conference. The Reverend James Sandmire spoke during the conference relating his experiences as a Gay Mormon and his early experience with Affirmation. MCC held their District Conference in Utah for the first time.
• 24 May 1986 “Greatest Love Of All" by Whitney Houston is number one song on national charts.

25 May 1986 Sunday
Two important life lessons were learned today. One is that if the Lord calls me to do something, the way will be opened to do it, and the other is to not be afraid to go where the Lord calls me to go because not only will it be for my own good it will also be a blessing to others.

I went over to Bob McIntier’s house at ten-thirty a.m. where the tabernacle had been set up in his basement for the Prayer Circle. Tony Feliz arrived yesterday with David Ewing and they are staying at Bob's. I was such a space cadet this morning that I ran off leaving a shoe and sock at home from my temple clothes, so I had to borrow some white socks from Bob. The Prayer Circle was sacred and special and I put three more names on the prayer list. They were my Aunt Marie, Willy Marshall, and Alex Joseph. The last name was even a surprise to me and a curious choice because I have never met the man. Tony Feliz was surprised too and expressed concern that Alex Joseph was one of the murderous polygamous leaders connected with Ervil LeBaron. I assured him that Alex Joseph was not a murderer but a Libertarian polygamist whose community at Big Water had a positive attitude towards Gays.

During the Prayer Circle ceremony Tony Feliz read to us a new Revelation he had received which was suppose to guide the Church in the direction the Lord wants it to go. The revelation dealt with Church Quorums and it was fascinating. Soon there are to be Apostles called to witness for the church.

After the Prayer Circle I had to rush home to get Sunday dinner ready for my wife and also to get ready for Sacrament at 2 p.m. in our new meeting place at the Multipurpose Center in Rose Park. My wife didn’t want to go to church so I took the car to go pick up Russ Lane. However after stopping by the Juel Apartments I found that he wasn’t even home so from there I rushed to be at Church on time. There at the Northwest Multipurpose Center, Bob McIntier had the room already set up so I only had to put out the Sacrament.

Our ranks were small today but considering that we have a new meeting place as well as a new time I wasn't surprised. Attending Church was Bob McIntier, Tony Feliz, John Crane, David Ewing, Erick S., Gordon J., Jon B., Ric B. and I. John Crane, the Church's evangelist, gave an excellent talk on his conversion to the Church after it was revealed to him the nature of the love that the Lord has for Gay people. Tony Feliz bore his Testimony of the Church and prophesied that the someday it would be in every cosmopolitan city in Europe and America.

Anyway after church services, Gordon J. was being a real jerk to me. He called me outside and fumed that he was really upset that I was taking Jon B. to coronation because he had really wanted to go with Jon, but they decided that they couldn't afford it. So more or less he was implying that I either buy him a ticket also or I should give mine to him so he could go with Jon!

I was flabbergasted! I reiterated to him the reasons for my going in the first place, saying, "Gordon I'm not going to have fun but because the Lord has called me to be there! I don't even want to go but have to and the only reason I have an extra ticket is because Russ Lane backed out at the last minute!"

Not getting his way Gordon then goes and talks to Jon B. telling him his sob story. Jon now comes to me and asks me how would I feel about taking Gordon to Coronation instead on him. That just floored me! I was really hurt by his lack of sensitivity to my feelings and I felt deserted by him. But I mustered up a smile, and bravely said, "It doesn't matter to me who goes."

But then my façade shattered and I began to cry. I said, "That's not true. It does matter a lot to me. I'm scared to death to be doing this, going before all those hundreds of people whom I don't even know to announce to the world that I'm Gay and that I belong to a Gay Mormon Church!” I tried to explain how I wanted someone, needed someone, to be with me, to support me, while I do this, and how Gordon would only desert me once there to flit around.

After speaking my fears, that seemed to bolster me some what and I then said, “Jon, don't worry. I’ll find someone to go with me, and if I don’t, then perhaps the Lord wants me to do this alone for some reason. Perhaps in the future I will have to do a lot of things alone and now is as good a time as any to get use to it.” I then felt so much stronger and said before leaving, “But beside all that, I know the Lord wants me there, so no matter how frighten I may be, I will be there.” I then left Jon standing alone and drove home.

I was so miserable but shortly after I arrived at the house, John Crane drove up. He said that Tony Feliz and Bob McIntier had rearranged tonight’s agenda so that he could go with me to Coronation to represent the church, and so I wouldn't have to go alone. I was so grateful I nearly cried with relief.

I fixed John Crane some lunch and visited with my wife until five o’clock when John and I left for Coronation. We both were quite apprehensive about what to expect, but almost immediately the Lord opened door after door for us. He had renewed my confidence and a great peace came over me. I was no longer afraid to go before this crowd of 1500 people at the Salt Palace ballroom. I felt the Lord's hand guiding me so strongly. I know now that the Lord had planned all along for John Crane and I to be together. I also know now why I was so upset about going to Coronation alone, because the Lord always sends missionaries out in pairs. It was good to have a companion to buoy each other up and we got to know each other and feel each other's Spirits throughout the night. We truly bonded together having gone through this little adventure together.

Anyways when it was time for our presentation, John and I marched up this ramp as the Master of Ceremonies read "The Church of Jesus Christ of All Latter Lay Saints, commonly known as the Restoration Church of Jesus Christ, wishes to express appreciation to the Royal Court of the Golden Spike Empire for their love and service to the Gay and Lesbian Communities of the Salt Lake Basin, and to honor you by bearing you these gifts!". This is what I felt prompted to write and we were the only organization to honor the Court rather then taking our time to hype our organization. We felt proud and it went beautifully. We even had people clapping for us which thrilled me to no end.

On the way over to the Salt Palace, before Coronation, I had said to John Crane, "The Lord wants us there because there is at least one person there who needs to hear about the Church.” The Lord blessed me tonight by letting me know who that one person was. It happened to be the usher who was directing the processions down the ramp. He had asked us to see him after the presentation because he said that he needed to know more about the Church. That was so wonderful.

However the biggest shock of the evening and one that nearly floored me was seeing Larry C. after all these years. Larry saw me walking the ramp and after presenting a gift to Emperor Bob and Clarisse, he came over to our table to see me. To say I was dazzled is to say the least. Oh wow! What a shocker. Larry and I were lovers at BYU during the springtime homosexual purge of 1976. I had saved his life after he tried to commit suicide when he was found out by BYU security. Standards had caught him in their net. Later that same spring, the LDS Church disfellowshipped me because I was in love with him. I had not seen him since that time, until today, nearly ten years to the day I last saw him. He's teaching now in Phoenix, Arizona and had brought his lover up to Salt Lake for the Coronation. I hugged the both of them and praised God in my heart for this closure of very painful part of my history.

It was a extraordinary night being at Coronation. John Crane and I were so filled with love and the spirit of Christ that strangers kept coming over to our table just to hug us. What a sweet experience it was and to think I was crying because I was so afraid to go!

I guess I should mentioned that there was no one to present Affirmation’s gifts because Russ Lane wasn't there, and the person he had asked to present them for him didn’t want to do it. He asked if I would so I lamely took the gifts myself up to Emperor Bob and Empress Claris and told them that they were from Affirmation. I felt like I needed to do this for Russ’s sake.

Anyway John Crane and I left after ten p.m. and the Coronation was still going strong. John is leaving out tomorrow to go back to L.A. so he needed to get some sleep. He's driving home by himself because Tony Feliz and David Ewing decided to remain in Salt Lake City for a while at Bob McIntier's place. I really love John Crane and told him so before he left. It turned out to be a really remarkable experience and I owe it to him and the Lord.

When I got home about eleven-thirty p.m., I called Russ up, thinking that I would just leave a message on his answering machine, letting him know that his presentation went well. I was really surprised when he answered the phone. Something bizarre, strange, transcendental, and mystical then enveloped Russ and I as we talked on the phone. Before we knew it we had talked for five and a half hours and it had seemed like minutes!

We were caught up in the Spirit is the only way to describe it. We had both received a simultaneous connection to the love for Jesus Christ and our own desire to bond with him in a way that no heterosexual could ever understand. The Pentecostal embrace that we were swept up into is so sacred that I don't think I will ever write down what happened that night to any one. I don’t think I could. It was beyond descriptive words. Suffice it to say that Russ received a witness that Jesus Christ lives through the testimony of the Holy Ghost.
Additional Material 25 May 1986 $117,286 GRANT AWARDED to COMBAT AIDS in UTAH (SLTribune B6-5) The Center For Disease Control gave Utah’s State Health Department a grant of $117,000 to develop programs aimed as preventing the spread of AIDS. Craig Nichols, state epidemiologist refused to print safe sex guides lines saying, “We will probably cover every area except the Safer Sex area…Most of the material that have been produced are too graphic for a state health department publication.” Nichols felt that explicit discussion of the risks of Gay sex must come from the Gay community itself, “I don’t feel like we bear the total responsibility. And so we’ll do things we know we can do and are acceptable. And other groups will have to fill in where they think there’s a deficit.” Dr. Patty Reagan of the Salt Lake AIDS Foundation argued “how badly we needed the help because the Gay community was working so hard to help itself" and Reagan was told by Nichols, “If the Gay Community can help itself, I don’t see why the state health department should be doing anything else.” (June 1986 Triangle)
• Hands Across America - At least 5,000,000 people form a human chain from New York City to Long Beach, California, to raise money to fight hunger and homelessness. "On the afternoon of Sunday, May 25, 1986, more than five million people joined hands to form a line that stretched 4,152 miles – from New York City's Battery Park to a pier in Long Beach, California. This nationwide event, called Hands Across America, was intended to raise money to fight hunger and homelessness." The event was a project of USA for Africa
• The Royal Court of the Golden Spike Empire held Coronation X at the Salt Palace. Theme was Around the World In 80 Days. Tickets were $16.00. Nearly 1,000 people attended. Outgoing Emperor Scott Stites X announced revisions to allow monarchs of previous years to seek reelection under special circumstances. He also called for an annual AIDS Awareness Week to be held each October for raising funds and spreading information about the deadly illness. Empress X Mother Bob announced that henceforth one dollar of each coronation ticket sold would go to the charity of the reigning monarch’s choice. This year the money was given to AIDS Project Utah. Robb Bullock was elected Emperor XI and Clarisse Cartier was elected Empress XI. Prince Royale XI was Bob Edwards and Princess Royale XI was Tasha Montiel. The Tenth Reigns Coronation colors were Pink, Teal, Blue, and Gold and their logo was a Hot Air Balloon.

28 May 1986 Wednesday
Today was Family Home Evening and we held it over at Bob Mclntier's home. We even had an investigator named Todd from Logan join our group tonight. David Ewing gave a lesson on a revelation and how Tony Feliz had received one concerning him. I thought to myself at the time, why is Tony receiving revelations about David? Tony shouldn't be receiving personal revelation for David unless he and David are lovers and even then it wouldn't be necessary for the Church to know about it and thus added to the Book of Hidden Truths and Treasures. But I think David and Tony have become lovers.

29 May 1986 Thursday:
I had Willy Marshall, Jon B., and Russ Lane over for dinner and afterwards while we were discussing politics Russ started yelling at me. His berating me really hurts my feelings. He later apologized but it makes me wonder what is there in me that sets him off so? He said that I remind him of his father, so does he hate his father so much?

30 May 1986 Friday:
Learned today that Carol Kessler died yesterday of a heart attack. She was only 37 years old. She had been on a strict diet and was using a diuretic. I guess she had potassium depletion. They said if she would have eaten just half a banana she would not have died. She worked in sales because she was so vibrant, and of course looks mean everything in sales. She was the first person at Utah Title who was nice to me, and my wife and she became friends last fall when we all were so broke that we were living mainly on zucchini and peaches from the garden. She was a single mom raising a couple of daughters.

My wife went down to Levan, Utah for the weekend and I'm glad she went. I need the time to think what to do about our marriage and I'm sure she does too. She and I have been discussing the break-up of our marriage this whole week.

After she left because I didn't want to be by myself I went over to 1st South to see Jon B. and I came upon Willie Marshall. Jon B. had us come in but said that he couldn't spend the night with me because Gordon and he are going through this huge break up, but Willy spoke up and said that he would. At home we stayed up late and cuddled. We talked about Russ and Jon for most of the night.

31 March 1986 Saturday:
The last day of May and it’s time to reflect. I had a spiritual feast at the beginning of the month going to California and all, but now I am very down. I have not heard from anyone from California and even Bob McIntier and Mike H. don't call. I feel like I'm always there for others but no one is really here for me.

Willy Marshall left in the morning and it was fantastic having him spend the night with me. I was melancholy and I didn't want to be in the empty house. Willy is a sweet man but there's no chemistry or attraction between us except for the natural expression of affection we have for each other because of our kind hearts. If anything, Willy makes me miss Russ Lane all the more knowing how much Russ likes Willy. "I might as well face it I'm addicted to love", as the song goes.

I went to Liberty Park in the afternoon to get out of the house, after going grocery shopping at Smith's on 9th and 9th, and dropping a pair of pants off at the dry cleaners. I encountered Beau Chaine at the park, lying out in the sun on a blanket. He asked me to join him so we lay in the sun together, when later this cute return missionary named Marty O. from Provo came and joined us. He was cruising Beau. We visited for a while and learned that Marty was a model. He was absolutely beautiful, blond and tall. Anyway he also said that he was just coming out so we told him about the Gay community in Salt Lake City. We cautioned him to stay away from the Bath Houses. He was a sweet natured boy.

After leaving the park, I came back to the house and waited for Jon B. to call or come over. He never did. I though Russ Lane might call me, for a ride to church tomorrow, but he didn't. I also thought Bob McIntier or Tony Feliz might call me about Sacrament Meeting but they didn't either. No one called all night as I sat in an empty house waiting by the phone for someone to call, except for my wife. So who really does love me?

I am not answering the phone tomorrow, or going to church. I need time to evaluate what is going on with me in my life. I am really upset with Bob and Tony. Why am I always on the outside looking in?

I finally had enough of being on the pity pot and went to a midnight showing of Rocky Horror Show at the Blue Mouse. I sat next to some guys I had met at Affirmation once. It was great as usual doing the Time Warp Again. It’s Just a Jump to the Left. Some times I feel as if I am in a time warp and “crawling on the planet’s face some insects called the human race lost in time and lost in space and meaning”.
Additional Material- "Live To Tell" by Madonna is number one song on national charts

June 1986

2006-12-23T11:47:00.000-08:00

1 June 1986 Sunday
Finally summer is on its way. It's been so warm the past few days, and it’s a beautiful warm Sunday.

What is in my head? My wife went down to Levan for the weekend to get away and will be back tonight. I am feeling very disappointed and discouraged this morning because after waiting all day yesterday for someone to call me, no one did. I knew the phone would ring this morning and it did, someone wanting something of me. I didn't even answer it. I was so mad and upset.

I ran the Sacrament things over to Jon B's for him to take to Church but he wasn't home. So I had to go over to Bob McIntier's where David Ewing answered the door. He was in his Temple clothes so I just handed him the stuff and left. So they were having Temple initiations, and I didn’t know a thing about it or was invited to participate.

What is in my head? Disappointment, Sadness, Resolution, and a renewal of commitment to serve the Lord, the community, and myself.

Russ Lane never calls me unless he needs something. He acts all giddy and like he enjoys my company during the week when I am bringing him treats at work but on the weekends he saves those times for Frank F. and others. He never asks me out, even for dinner, or calls to visit unless he needs something for Affirmation. I'm such a fool that I should love someone so intensely who doesn't love me.

I am sad at having to say goodbye to Russ, but I am resolved to put time and space between us because I love myself, too much to keep on going as is. My new purpose is to let Russ just go, one way or another. I must remember the poem Waiting and the lines, "My friends are seeking my face”

As much as I care for Jon B., he has let me down twice. The first time was his fault, but by letting him do it to me again, that’s my fault. I really needed Jon last Sunday to go with me to Coronation, but I suppose God wanted John Crane to be with me instead, but that doesn't absolve Jon for not being there for me when he said he would. Then when last Friday, when I expressed to Jon that I was going to be alone this weekend and really needed his company, he promised that he would stay with me on Saturday. So I sat by the phone until 11 p. m. and there was no phone call from Jon. It made me realize that I can't rely upon Jon as I thought that I could, and I am sad about that. Jon is a sweet man and I will always be fond of him but I want to release him, with love, from my life. I am resolved not to let myself depend upon Jon to help me out of hard situations. Its not fair to him and its not fair to me. I am resolved to let him go on with his life without my emotional attachment on him.

I am deeply disappointed that Tony Feliz and I never got to develop a spiritual relationship or connection. I would have done anything for him, as the oracle of God, if he had but asked. But I am never called to sit in on the decision making aspects of this portion of the Kingdom even though the Lord called me to be the Church's Bishop Agent. Yes, I am called when they need an extra body to make up a prayer circle or prepare Sacrament, or run other errands. All this week Bob McIntier and Tony Feliz haven't bothered to pick up the phone to talk to me except at the last minute, when they told me they were having a Wednesday's Family home evening. I do not feel apart of this family any more. Well, God's will be done. If I'm not suppose to be in the Council of the Elders of Israel of the Restoration Church who am I to fight against God?

I know that the Restoration Church, as it was conceived in the beginning is of God, but I feel that it is drifting from the principles espoused by Lamar Hamilton who I’ve heard has broken with the church over Tony’s claim to be Seer, Prophet, and Revelator for the entire church. I heard that he doesn’t want anything to do with the Temple Ordinances that are being performed in the tabernacle.

I know that I am really disappointed in Bob McIntier’s vision for the church. He once confided in me that he envisioned the church meeting in a regular ward-like building with an organ with all the familiar LDS trappings. That was never my wish to see the church become simply a carbon copy of the Utah Church with a lavender twist. We had the chance to be unique and fill a portion of the Lord’s garden with the cast-offs and misfits that the LDS Church had no use for.

Maybe I'm not supposed to be part of this great work either. I once heard Pam Calkins say how that Gay people were the Lord’s tithing back to the earth and once the Lord even revealed to me that while some of His children were meant to procreate, others were blessed to recreate, meaning that they were sent to beautify and enrich this planet. This is my biggest disappointment and my great sadness, that I feel the church is losing its way while Tony consolidates his authority over the church.

But I am getting emotionally well as I am journeying into the land of Oz. I am not so disconnected between my head, my heart, and my courage anymore. The most courageous act in my life was to come out of the closet and so that I can follow the Yellow Brick Road towards what ever amazing adventure may come my way.

I realize I can not afford to cling onto people, places, or things which either no longer work for me or that do not love me as much as I love them. If I can give up my abusive relationship with the Mormon Church, I can certainly shed other emotional baggage that is impeding my progress.

My relationship with The Restoration Church of Jesus Christ is going to be put on hold for a while until I can get some more spiritual guidance. I am resolved to go on a “Spiritual Retreat” for 40 days. On the tenth of July I will make my decision on what to do with my life. I will use this time to fast and pray and renew my Covenants with Christ. I truly want to get to know Him again as I did in my youth. I would even like to rebuild my relationship with my wife, if it can be salvaged, but I know in my heart it is time to say goodbye. I will put all other relationships on the back burner.

No more attending the Restoration Church, no more Affirmation. No more accepting phone calls. Of course I will have to talk to Jon and Russ at work but I will keep it strictly business.

I need to get some introspection back into my life. I need to fill my own cup up. I heard Tony talk once on how Gays are often like cups with holes in them. We are constantly feeling drained until we are able to patch up our holes. After that we can be filled to overflowing so that we can fill other people’s cups. I need to patch my cup.

I am like a well that has gone dry. I gave and gave and no one ever primed my pump. Nothing ever came back. It's time for the Lord to renew my spirit but right now at this given point in time, I am not interested in any Church be it Catholic, Protestant, or Restored.

I walked to Liberty Park around noon, and laid out in the sun still trying to get a tan. Not a dark one but just a healthy looking one. I love reading the Sunday Paper while relaxing and drinking a 7/11 Big Gulp. After reading through the paper, I also read from Samuel I &II. Everyday I need to study the Scriptures and to talk to my Parents in Heaven.

After I lost the afternoon sun, I walked home and drove up to the U of U's locker rooms to weigh myself, and to sit in the sauna. I'm right at 200 lbs while last week I was 205 lbs. I want to get under 200 lbs so badly but that's not important, Having a good relationship with my Savior is what is most important to me right now.

I decided not to go to Affirmation tonight anyway because I wanted to go to Carol Kessler’s viewing. It's so hard to believe that she is dead. If she would have only taken her potassium pills or eaten a banana. Well she's a beautiful corpse now.

I was surprised when Mike H. came over to the house around 5 p.m. out of the blue. It was so sweet of him to be concerned about me. He said he missed my spirit at church. We went to Liberty Park, to layout in the sun, until 7 pm. We talked about how I was feeling about things at the moment and how I felt as I need to go on an emotional retreat. Mike was so sweet and understanding, I love him for that. Mike had to leave to go to Affirmation’s Pot Luck. I told him about meeting Marty Orton of Provo and asked him to make contact with him. Mike will make a great High Priest.

As soon as we came back to the house, Mike changed clothes and left. Only a few minutes after that, Jon B. pulled into the drive way in his van. I thought to myself, "Boy! this going on a retreat is going to be harder then I thought”.

Well I thought I owed it to Jon to let him know what is going on with me. We visited and he also said that he needs to find the will and mind of God for himself. I really love Jon. I just need to have my well replenished once in a while. Jon said he understood what I was trying to say and said that he would support me in my decisions.

I never made it to Carol Kessler's viewing.

In the evening before going to bed, I prayed to the Lord for strength to separate myself for 40 days so that I could be in the proper frame of mind to be fasting and prayerful as I seek for the renewal of my spirit. I want to get to know my Savior and spend time with Him alone.

2 June 1986 Monday
Today is the second day of my 40 day journey of introspection and Carol Kessler's funeral. My wife went to it but I couldn’t get the time off from work so I didn't get to go. My wife said that it was a nifty funeral with lots of well dressed rich people with sporty cars attending. Carol must have loved it. She was into the sporty glamour life.

Anyway at work the morning was hell with Dynacomp, our main computer server, being down. Visiting with Russ I let him know that I am going through some introspection and that I was going to be gone emotionally from everything, for a while, even though I will still be around doing my duties. I thought he understood what I was trying to say but hey even I didn’t know what I was trying to say. However instead of letting me be, Russ kept trying to make contact with me all day, way more than usual. I was polite to him but acted preoccupied. I know my withdrawals from Russ will be my hardest trial. My first instinct and desire is to run back to Russ and give in to him but that road leads to insanity. The Savior keeps me sane, however, saying, "Come unto me", and that really helps me focus on what I need to do.

I worked until eight p.m. and walked home through Liberty Park. It was a warm, warm evening. At home, my wife fixed some soup and salad for dinner and later Tony and his wife Wanda dropped by. Wanda finally moved to Utah to be with Tony and they are staying with Tony’s parents. They were in Salt Lake City looking for an apartment because they want to move away from Levan.

Before going to bed, I made out some tithing receipts and mailed them to Los Angeles and to Bob McIntier as part of my duty as Bishop Agent.

Changes in my life. Willy Marshall is leaving Utah to go buy a Corvette with some money he inherited. He said he wants to buy and sell Corvettes and travel around the country. Good for him. I don’t see much of Johnny W. anymore. He’s in Southern Utah more than he is here and I guess he is giving up his cute apartment behind the Utah School for the Blind. I have grown closer to Marc L.. He is a very eccentric and interesting person. He was in the Marine Corp, married with a daughter, and is a cross dressing queen who uses the persona Alice Foxx.

Many things about the Restoration Church are bothering me. At first the Law of Common Consent was strong in the church but now it seems that Tony Feliz is running the show with his boyfriends getting preferential treatment. The Law of Common Consent stated that the church had to be in unison before a revelation was accepted or a course of action was taken. That's not the case now. We simply sustain leaders like the LDS Church does.

I read the Scriptures today, mostly from Gospel of St. John. The two things I want to remember from my readings is that, Christ aspired to no earthly honor and fled rather than be made a king and secondly I want to be like my savior’s disciple Nathaniel of whom the Lord said. "Behold an Israelite in who there is no guile". I want the Savior to be able to say that about me. I always want my motives to be pure.

3 June 1986 Tuesday:
Today is my mom's 57th birthday. My wife said Tony and Wanda have found a house here in Salt Lake but need to come stay with us until they can move in. More company. I bought a Sunstone Magazine downtown, and discovered Elbert Peck's phone number in it. Elbert writes for Sunstone and was a college dormitory mate at BYU years ago. I called Virginia but the man who answered said that Elbert wasn't home but was moving to Utah to take over the editorship of the Sunstone!

At work was the pits trying to avoid Russ Lane. Mike H. called late in the evening. I wasn't even going to answer the phone but at the last minute I did. Mike said he felt prompted to just let the phone ring until I picked up. The reason he called was that he said he had met Marty O. and had gotten together with him. I asked him how did he find him and Mike simply said that he just went to the address I had given him. I told Mike that I never gave him Marty's address in Provo because I didn't know it. The Lord must have put the directions in Mike's mind. God does work in mysterious ways.
• Additional Material Elbert Peck left a job as a Maryland urban planner to take Sunstone's reins in 1986. He envisioned a "Big Tent," the consummate arena for historical, philosophical, artistic and cultural views in the LDS universe. Things at Sunstone heated up when Peck came on board. Sunstone's Symposium sessions covered feminism, homosexuality, secret temple rites and the veracity of LDS scripture. In 1989, Dallin Oaks warned against "alternate" views, and on Aug. 23, 1991, the ruling First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles exhorted the faithful to stay away from anything, including unidentified "symposia," that might undermine their beliefs. "Sunstone was labeled an evil thing." Elbert Peck was editor of the Sunstone magazine for 15 years.

4 June 1986 Wednesday:
I came out to Lynn F. at work and announced that I was Gay. She was the first person I felt safe enough with to share this information with. She was so sweet about it. I felt so good about telling Lynn that when Russ asked me to go to lunch with him because he had things to tell me, I said yes. We walked to Trolley Square and at the benches there and ate our lunches. Russ stated in on his stories about how Affirmation is growing his hopes for it, and his joy in seeing it take off. When he asked me how my life is going, I just replied, Good things are coming to me", and left it at that. Russ is so excited about Affirmation and the San Francisco Conference that is coming soon.

It clouded up in the afternoon and sprinkled in the evening so I was just going to stay home when for a strange reason I felt prompted to go to the Salt Lake Affirmation meeting. I hadn't attended a meeting with this group in months! There I met Ed B. a marriage counselor and school teacher for the Granite School District. John Cooper had asked Ed to attend Affirmation. There was just a small group of us, John Cooper, Ed B., Paul D, and I.

Ed B. was close to retirement and a very gentle soft spoken man. He and I visited about me wanting to go into the field of education and he was very encouraging. He said that he knew of a Lesbian elementary school principal who might have an opening next year. Wouldn't that be something?

I called Russ about ten p.m. to tell him about meeting Ed B. and how he would make a great guest speaker at Wasatch Affirmation. The conversation drifted to our volatile relationship and he made it clear again to me how he feels about me. I just said goodbye at that point and hung up. "Hearts do Not Break but Sting and Ache for old love sake but do not die."

5 June 1986 Thursday
Today was such a pleasant day at work. Russ Lane just could not leave me alone. he had to tell me about his calling Elder Theodore Burton to complain about an address he gave at BYU calling homosexuals an abomination. Russ said he really chewed him out and he told me that he felt that the General Authorities will have a lot of blood on their hands if they don't repent of their hateful ways towards Gays. I really admire Russ for his willingness to call G.A.'s and give him a piece of his mind. He has the integrity to follow up on his convictions.

After work my wife and I drove down to Orem to visit with Mike H.'s parents about the Restoration Church. Tony Feliz, Bob McIntier, and David Ewing were there also the Hs served us a nice dinner of stuffed potatoes and then we had a wonderful spiritual discussion. Sister H. is such a beautiful woman, spiritually and physically, and is so very Christ-like. She and I visited and I had to tell her how much I loved the Savior and we even held each other after that. I bore my testimony of Michael and how special he was to me after we bonded on our trip to California last May. I could tell that she loved hearing how special Michael is to this movement. My heart even softened to Tony Feliz and Bob McIntier when the spirit witnessed to me how much they indeed love the Savior. We visited and stayed at the H.s until one in the morning. Bob McIntier as usual may the suggestion that we end the evening an close the meeting since it was so late. I would have talked through out the night. Mike's father, Brother Howard offered a closing prayer, and we all held hands in a circle.

Before leaving, Bob pulled me aside and said that he heard that I was in reclusion and he told me that he understood and that he would be there for me when I am finished with my journey. He said he supported me totally. I just cried when he said that and I held him and told him how much I loved him for being so supportive. My wife and I didn't get to bed until after two a.m.
• Additional material SL MEETING TOLD PASSING AIDS TO HEALTH WORKERS UNLIKELY (SLTribune B4-5)

6 June 1986 Friday
It was a busy day at work and I was exhausted from lack of sleep. I sit in my cubicle and listen to my classical tapes. After work, my wife and her friend Donna picked me up to take me home. Donna finished my U of U coat that Gary R. gave me years ago when I worked for him at the Special Events Center. The sleeve stitches were coming loose. She did a nice job on it.

Later my wife and another friend Shannon went out together this evening so I went over to Bob McIntiers to drop off some things for church. While I was visiting with Tony Feliz there, I found out that we had a mutual acquaintance from Cypress College in California, Mr. O'B who was my art appreciation teacher. I once saw Mr. O'B soaking naked in a hot tub in a sports gym I belonged to in Orange, California. Because of the entourage of young guys around him I suspected that he was Gay even then. It had been over 15 years since I was his student so he didn't recognize me at the time.

7 June 1986 Saturday
This morning I walked to Liberty Park where I laid out trying to get a little tan. I read more from the gospels and had a gentle peaceful feeling surround me.

In the afternoon I went to the Libertarian State convention which was held at the University of Utah. I sat with Gordon J., Jon B., and Willy Marshall. Russ Lane was at the convention also, but we didn't sit by him.

I met Royston Potter, this polygamist who is running for county sheriff, I believe, and Alex Joseph, who is the polygamist mayor of Big Water, Utah. Royston Potter use to be a cop in West Valley before he got kicked off the force for having more then one wife. He's kind of cute in a geeky kind of way. His wives were at the convention I suppose to support him. They were all dressed in frilly stupid looking frocks. Alex Joseph kind of reminded me of Waylon Jennings the country singer.

The convention began with a procession of Scottish pipers which was thrilling. I love the bagpipes as much as men in kilts! It must be my Johnson and McLeod blood in me that stirs me so. Later a black choir sang, "We Shall Overcome", and it nearly got me to bawling; my emotions were so worked up. I was very impressed with the principal speaker, Karl Hess, from West Virginia.

Surveying the people attending the convention I would say they were evenly split between the polygamists, the pot heads, and us Gays with a few anti-government-tax resistors thrown into the mix. I guess I am drawn to the Libertarians because of their social message of getting the government out of our bedrooms but I totally disagree in philosophy with their views on economics. I am a social Democrat when it comes to supporting social programs to promote the common welfare of our people. I think it’s criminal that ten percent of the nation controls 90 percent of its wealth. Wealth is built on the back of labor and labor should have a more equitable share of it. Russ Lane totally disagrees with me on this point but I still sort of missed his company seeing him at the convention. Big Sigh.

I saw Elbert Peck this evening! After all these years! He was out walking and I encountered him on Broadway downtown. He said he was just walking home from working at the Sunstone's offices on 1st South. I revealed my involvement with the Restoration Church of Jesus Christ and he took it rather well. He even said that he saw a need for a church for the fringe elements of the LDS Church. Elbert said that he could feel that the Spirit of the Lord was still with me and I let him know that I know I still have the light of Christ within me. We then went to China Village for dinner where I treated him. We had the best time catching up with the past. He is still very active in the LDS Church although he gets his share of pressure because of his association with Sunstone Magazine. He said that he is very busy right now with the Sunstone Conference coming at the end of summer. I was touched when he said that he thought of me often over the years, and I confessed that I did him also. I will always think of Elbert as a cocky, rail of young man, leaning on a walking stick with two hands, and staring intently with his piercing eyes as he mouthed, "Indeed, indeed".

After we parted I went on home and watched the ten o'clock news. I was surprised to see Jon, Willy, and myself on television as part of the convention coverage. Yay! It was the first time I had ever seen myself on TV. And the last I hope! Television does add ten pounds.

So what am I thinking this first week of June? My wife is full of confusion about what is happening to us. She must come to a new state of consciousness or awareness before inner peace will come to her again. She is back to smoking, and seems to have lost her spiritual bearings. Her faith had always been in the church while mine has always been in Christ.
• Additional Material -"Live To Tell" by Madonna is number one song on national charts
• THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST IN SOLEMN ASSEMBLY: The Church of Jesus Christ in Solemn Assembly was formed by Alexander Joseph in 1974 after he left the Apostolic United Brethren in which he had been a prominent leader. Joseph has actively pressed the rights of polygamists in general and his Church in particular. Shortly after founding the Church, he attempted to homestead federal land but was denied access by court order. He moved to Glen Canyon, Kane county, Utah, and established a new town incorporated as Big Water, the current location of the Church's headquarters. Joseph became the first mayor of the town in 1983. Joseph had ten wives in 1983. He is the author of one book, Dry Bones, A Resurrection of Ancient Understandings, a commentary on the Pearl of Great Price, one of the Latter Day Saint scriptures.

8 June 1986 Sunday
I didn't feel well this morning so I tried to sleep for most of the morning. However I woke up at twelve-thirty after a loud thunderclap shook the house. Seeing what time it was I decided that I better get ready for church services. It was raining really hard, a down pour, on the way over to Rose Park. Exiting the freeway at 600 North my car did a tail spin on the off ramp. The Lord preserved me and kept me from harm. I wasn't as shook up as I should have been because I had the spirit of the Lord with me.

In attendance at church was Tony Feliz, David Ewing, Bob McIntier, Russ lane, Ric B., Mike H., Morgan S., who works for KSL, and I. Mike H. and I blessed the Sacrament. Tony Feliz gave a powerful talk and prophesized that the Church will grow and eventually be in every metropolitan community. The talk was so powerful that he gave me pause and I reconsidered my lack of belief in Tony's prophetic calling. At the end of Sacrament I stood up and confessed the sin of pride. The spirit was so strong that I was moved to tears. Afterwards, Michael Howard just held me in his arms for the longest time and whispered, "Good to have you back." Even Russ Lane came up and held me.

After leaving church I went and bought groceries before going home to get ready for Affirmation. Mike H. said he'd swing by and give me a ride. When he came to pick me up, I had him come into the house and I was prompted to share with him something sacred. I told him that I felt that we should be sealed together in the temple and Mike said that we needed to pray and fast about it.

At Affirmation there was a large turn out of about thirty people, probably more, although I didn't see Jon B.. There were at least eight Lesbians at the meeting and one transvestite named Marc L., as well as all the other fags. Mike H. and I sat together all throughout the meeting holding hands with each other. I could tell that Russ was jealous. Big deal. I feel so strongly about Mike H. and the ties that bind. He told me earlier that he had some real good teachers in the pre-existence and that I must have been one of them. Maybe that is what I remember about Mike. Watching Russ just glowing in the spotlight, I thought to myself, Oh Russ you don't need me just the adulation of the crowd."

When Russ had those attending Affirmation introduce ourselves by saying "My name is so and so and I am.....", when it was my turn I simply said, "My name is Ben and I am a member of the Restoration Church of Jesus Christ." Russ then said "Tell us a little more about your personality," and I said, "I am fun." Mike H. said, "My name is Mike H. and I am a well adjusted religious faggot." I just loved it but Russ wasn't pleased.

My wife dropped by Affirmation to tell me that she was going out dancing with her friend Bonnie. I nearly fell over when she said that she was going to Puss N Boots, a Lesbian bar on the west side of Salt Lake.

Neat kind of day although also kind of strange. I didn't get much time today to study the scriptures and ponder upon the Savior but I did try to be of service and be where he wanted me to be. I was able to greet people with an out stretched hand and give hugs with out stretched arms.

9 June 1986 Monday
Today is my oldest sister's 39th birthday. How could she be that old? How could I? Just seems like yesterday she was a teenager with boys chasing her everywhere. Boy was I envious.

It is the ninth day of my spiritual introspection and its been a rollercoaster so far.

At work Russ Lane surprised me and bought me a coke. He is usually not that generous. But still we didn't visit much. Gina who is in charge of the copy room and filing was being so funny. She kept coming into my cubicle and asking if I was Gay. I responded each time with a smile and "I beg your pardon?" and then she would scurry away. She is really a fun girl and a little crazy.

After work I called my wife and asked if she wanted to go out to a movie and she did. Later she called and asked if Tony could tag along. I really do not enjoy being around Tony anymore. He's not the cute teenager I knew in Grantsville.

He's arrogant, dirty, and kind of stupid at times. His arrogance I am sure is simply a defense for him. But he's smart enough to manipulate my wife big time. He doesn't get cleaned up when he comes home from working as a mechanic but stays in his filthy work clothes. His hair in unkempt and I am embarrassed to be seen with him. My wife who always sinks to the lower denominator is mimicking Tony rather then trying to encourage him to take more pride in appearances. She's wearing Meg's fat pants and she looks like hell in them. I know that it’s not all Tony's fault. He never had a father to teach him how to dress. He has asked me to go with him to pick out clothes for him but all he wants is golf clothes. I give up.

We went and saw The Color Purple, and although I absolutely loved and was moved by the picture I couldn't enjoy it being with my wife and Tony. They were more interested in wallowing in a giant container of popcorn than watching the movie.

My wife and I are at a stand off. She can't expect me to be cordial to her friends when she is as rude as she wants to mine. Tony has stayed far longer with us then Russ ever did and Tony is so immature that he has to be constantly entertained. At least Russ was intelligent and entertaining. I can't help how I feel. Since we were married I always put my wife's friends first. We moved to Grantsville and nearly starved to death so she could be near Tony's mother. Well I want Tony, his wife and kids, Linda, the whole bunch out of my life. They are all excess baggage that I refuse to carry any longer.

10 June 1986 Tuesday
I must really be into rejection. I was stupid enough to ask Russ Lane if I could see him at his place for a couple of minutes at lunch. He hesitated and looked pained and hemmed and hawed around before finally saying that he had invited John Butler over for lunch but if he couldn't make it then he could possibly see me. I remained serene and replied, "Forget it." I told him that I forgot I had business of my own to attend to during lunch. Gee! Russ I just love being rejected by you.

Anyway I then went over to see what's up with Jon B. and why he hasn't been attending church or Affirmation. He said that he's been reading up on priesthood authority and doesn't believe that the Restoration Church has the keys to actually perform all the ordinances that it has been doing lately. He said that he believed that Ross LeBaron, of the Polygamy LaBarons has the true keys to the Patriarchal Priesthood. Jon had given Ross the pamphlet that Tony Feliz wrote entitled "Jonathan Loved David," and Jon said LaBaron's heart was soften to Gays because of it. I wonder if I should meet this trailer park prophet.
Anyway I told Jon that if Ross LeBaron is indeed of God then he will use this Patriarchal Priesthood to bless and enrich the lives of the Seed of Abraham instead of sitting on it.

I ended up not taking a lunch today so I have an hour of overtime. I only have four hours of overtime on this check. Without the overtime I can hardly make it.

After work my wife picked me up so I wouldn't have to walk home. She is still not speaking to me and is mad. At the house was Linda and her brood and I am certain Linda has been bad mouthing me to my wife. I needed to get out of the house and a way from the scorned women, so I went to Bob McIntiers where I was in time to participate in Initiatory Ordinances in the Tabernacle. At Bob's at least there was a sweeter spirit. I had brought with me theater jells for Mike H. who wanted them. They were about all I had left from working the lights for shows at the Special Events Center back in 1979. Mike looked so cute. While visiting with Tony Feliz I told him about what Jon had said about Ross LeBaron and how I might go talk with him. Then Tony put on this authority face and counseled that I should only go see Ross LeBaron with Tony present. I was contrite and said that I would although I don't believe for a second that Ross LeBaron could persuade me to turn against my faith in the Restoration Church. I wasn't invited to stay for the endowment ceremony. David Ewing is having his endowments taken out tonight. He is the first person to have his endowments taken out within the authority of the Restoration Church. Mike H. is taking a name through the endowment for a Gay brother who was a member of the church but died before he could receive his endowments. This is the first ordinance for the dead within the church. A temple baptismal font will be up and running around the first day of summer. Baptism for those Gays who have died of AIDS and of violence is to be a special project of the church.

It was sweet being with the Brethren but not being invited to share in the endowment ceremonies was disappointing but God's will be done not my own. I waited in Bob's living room until the session was over then I was again sent out into the lone and dreary world.

I wasn't ready to go home to the contentiousness that waited for me there so I drove over to Jon B.'s to tell him the counsel that Tony gave me about Ross LeBaron but unfortunately for me he wasn't home. So then I felt like I wanted to see Russ. At the Juel Apartments he was helping his landlady with her genealogy. Since I knew more about the subject then Russ he gladly relinquished her to me. After I had answered her questions, she left and Russ and I began to visit about how things were going on in our lives. Things were okay until he began to tell me how much he's infatuated with Frank F.. I told him outright that I didn't wish to hear about Frank. It really makes me angry when he starts on about all the guys he's crazy about so we talked and talked and talked in circles with Russ explaining over and over again why he didn't love me but only wanted me as a friend. Then he had the nerve to say to me "let's just stay as we are!" He is such a son of a bitch. He is holding all the controls of this relationship and refuses to let me come in. Well fuck that. I said, that's not good enough for me because what does he think I am getting out of the relationship? Nothing but grief and heartache while he gets emotional, physical, spiritual and temporal support from me. Yet he gives his love to Frank F. because he says they are so much alike! Well fuck the both of them. I am through; totally and completely. To hell with the both of them and I am glad I am finally expressing my anger rather then be the "nice guy". Maybe the anger will help me purge him.
• Additional Material- Ross Wesley LeBaron: Within months of the organization of the Church of the Firstborn of the Fullness of Times, disagreements arose causing Joel LeBaron and Ross LeBaron to part ways. On 1 December 1955, Ross Wesley LeBaron incorporated his own church calling it simply, “The Church of the Firstborn.” During the ensuing decades, Ross remained in Utah and quietly promoted his own Church, cultivating a small group of followers. When asked in an interview 25 July 1959 concerning his priesthood authority, Ross stated that he was “ordained by his father in March, 1950, and that Joseph W. Musser confirmed the patriarchal Priesthood of Dayer LeBaron the same day.” Reportedly at one time Ross LeBaron lived in a storage unit with a dirt floor. His beliefs extended beyond the doctrines of the restoration to include UFOs and other extra-terrestrial beings. Often invited to speak on local radio talk shows, most people considered him eccentric, but harmless. Ross’ significance was enhanced through the attraction of three young followers, Fred Collier, Tom Green, and Robert Black. All three of these disciples assisted Ross in exchange for an opportunity to learn his teachings. Fred would become a prolific writer and proponent of plural marriage. During the 1960s and 1970s, with the help of his wife Bonnie, Fred successfully acquired unauthorized copies of many documents that were smuggled in and out of LDS Church Archives. His copies of documents, journals, discourses and early biographies would form the basis for many of his later publications. Tom Green would become famous, or infamous, for his own endeavors to publicize his polygamous activities. Tom believed Ross possessed an incredible depth of knowledge regarding patriarchal authority. After the death of Ross Wesley LeBaron, all three, Collier, Green and Black, would each claim that they were the recipient of Ross’s priesthood keys. LeBaron, a prominent Western polygamist who died in 1997 at the age of 82. LeBaron was a quirky but peaceable sibling of Ervil LeBaron, a homicidal polygamist leader who ordered the 1977 murder of rival polygamist Rulon Allred in Murray. Ervil died in prison in 1981. Ross Wesley LeBaron, Sr. Date: January 4, 1997 ST. GEORGE, Utah--Patriarch, Ross W. LeBaron, Sr., age 82, died December 31, 1996 in Malad, Idaho. He was the father of 17 children and three marriages, Thelma, Betty and LaVella. He was born in Overton, Nevada on November 16, 1914 to Alma Dayr and Maude Lucinda McDonald LeBaron. He spent his younger years in the Mormon Colonies in Chihuahua, New Mexico. For many years, he held the pole vaulting record in Colony Juarez. He was recognized as a genius by many. 01/04/97 SLTribune E14)

11 June 1986 Wednesday:
I spent a very restless night after coming home from Russ Lane's place. I kept tossing and turning all night as I mulled over our conversation and after each of Russ' statements I kept saying "fuck you".

This morning when greeted by the chill of a distant wife, I told her over breakfast that I wanted a place of mine own. I just can't live with the stress and mess that greets me every time I come home.

At work I wasn't ignoring Russ as much as I didn't care what his sorry ass was doing. And when I started feeling tender hearted towards him, as he flitted about the office, I kept saying to myself (but directed at him), "fuck you." That helped.

I went out to lunch with Jon B. who said that his life was up in the air too. He is breaking up with Gordon J. to renew a relationship with Lon Wright, his former boyfriend. Lon lives over on 8th East, near Liberty Park. Jon gave me some good advice and said I had to get over Russ and go on with my life. I told him that it's easier said then done because in some ways I love Russ more then I did John F. C. and I still am not over him.

After work I went over Bob McIntiers because he had invited me to dinner because Tony is leaving for California tomorrow. He had several people over including Mitch Golden, Alma S., Stephen Baustert, Tony Feliz, David Ewing, Jon B., and Lon Wright. It was a nice dinner and he served ham and Mexican food which was kind of a queer combination.

We visited and got to know each other better and it was a whole lot of fun. Alma S. was one of the organizers of the Salt Lake Affirmation along with John Cooper although he and Stephen are members of MCC now.

When I finally came home, my wife and I stayed up until after midnight discussing how we can separate our lives. She tossed out the idea of getting a house so she could keep the cats and dogs. I said I would agree to help support her with it but I am not very confident in her ability to take care of herself let alone a house and the animals.
• Additional Material- Lon Wright died 16 Sept 1994 of AIDS, Stephen Baustert died September 1988 of AIDS. Mitchell Golden born 4 February 1951 died 12 October 2001 of AIDS in San Francisco, California.

12 June 1986 Thursday:
An exhausting day because of the lack of sleep and from the emotional toll last night took on me discussing my marriage's break up. I didn't speak to Russ Lane all day. It was hard on me but necessary. Gordon J. and Jon B. are breaking up also.

Tony Feliz, David Ewing and the rest packed up and left for California leaving the Tabernacle set up in Bob's basement. I called Tony before he left and told him that Mike H. and I are discussing the possibility of being sealed. He made me angry when he said that he would have to pray and think about it. What does it have to do with him?

It's starting to get warm at night. I am feeling really empty right now and would very much like to feel excited again.

13 June 1986 Friday
Seventeen years ago I graduated from high School and spent my senior night with going to dinner and a movie with John F. C..

Work was fun today with the crazy crew I work with, but every time I saw Russ my heart turned to stone.

Jon B. told me today that he's going to ask Gordon J. to leave tonight since they are no longer a couple. I said if he needed to talk that we could go out tonight but he never called.

I got paid today $536 and walked to the credit union to deposit my check. From there I walked home from work since my wife had the car.

Tony and his wife Wanda were in the front room so my wife and I went into our bedroom to talk. We kept going in circles. Should we break up or stay together? Should we have separate places or share a place to save on rent? My wife said she doesn't have a problem with me taking lovers but I do. It would not be fair to either her or them. I am not a polygamist.

The hardest thing we discussed was what to do with Sam? We have had Sam since we were married in 1977 but he's now getting very old with cataracts on his eyes. Should we put him to sleep or not? His skin allergies have caused him so much misery and he doesn't seem to be enjoying life but he's my best friend. When I left him last year for two weeks, to come to Utah to find us a place to live, my wife said he laid across the doorstep every night waiting for me to come through the door. Not to have Sam in our lives is unimaginable. I love that old black lab so much that I can't even bare the thought of having to do the inevitable. After much discussion and having Sam lay between us, we resigned ourselves to do it. It's out of respect for Sam's life that I am even considering ending his. I'm going to call pet cemeteries next week to see how to go about making the arrangements. I can't write anymore about this. It’s to heart wrenching and disturbing.

My wife and I simply had to get out of that house so we took the dogs for a ride and we went over to see Jon B.. He wasn't home but we did encounter Gordon. He was distraught and confirmed that it was over between the two of them. Gordon's tears just added to my own melancholy. So many relationships ending. We left Gordon and returned home. We sat on the front steps and just talked. Nothing in particular just familiar conversation to avoid the words that might send us over into an abyss of tears and regret.
• Additional Material Benny Goodman, American legendary Big Band leader died ( 1909-1986)

14 June 1986 Saturday
Today was Summer Conference for the Restoration Church and it was extremely interesting. Mike H. picked me up, and this fellow named Mike P. was with him. Mike P. is a large bear of a man with striking blue eyes and black hair about 25 years old I think. Mike P. came with us to Bob McIntiers where the Conference goers in Salt Lake City met. Morgan S. came over this afternoon also, but Mike H. and I were the only members of the church attending. Bob was in Los Angeles but he had a system on his phone where we could hear the Saints in Los Angeles and they could hear us. During the business session, we hashed out the Revelations that were presented to be included in the Hidden Truths and Treasures.

The Conference lasted from 2 p.m. to 6 p.m. and after it was over, Mike H., Mike P., and I went over to Beauchaine's Aardvark Cabaret place he has on 6th South. He operates the Gay Help Line out of the cabaret which is kind of a non-profit organization for a Gay Community Center that Beau is involved in. The place is interesting and I hope he can make it work.

It was nearly eight when I arrived home and my wife had gone to Levan for the weekend with the car. So I took the State Street bus into downtown to see if Jon B. was okay, but instead I encountered Elbert Peck again. He took me into his office at the Sunstone Magazine located near the Dinwiddie Building on 1st South. We visited as he showed me around and I just love Elbert because it doesn't matter to him if I am Gay or not; he still loves me. He said that he loved me because I was in his eyes, "kind, spiritual, intellectual, and loyal to my friends." His words nearly made me start to cry and I told Elbert that I loved him for being able to see those qualities in me when others can't. He's leaving tomorrow to return to Vienna, Virginia but he will be back in July and permanently in August.

After we parted I walked over to Jon's place on 1st South and 3oo East but he still wasn't home. It was a great night to be out walking so I went to the corner 7-11, got a Big Gulp, and went back to State Street to catch a bus back to 13th South. As I walking down 300 East, I ran into Craig H., the cutie. We visited for a while and Craig said that he wouldn't be able to make it to church tomorrow. I made it back to the house by ten p.m. It was so warm out and it felt good to be out of the house.
• Additional material- "On My Own" by Patti LaBelle and Michael McDonald is number one song on national charts

15 June 1986 Sunday
My wife returned from Lavan last night but while the car was here, she wasn't. I was up by 8 a.m. to go to Smith's Food King on 9th East and 800 South to buy a bag of oranges to help feed the street people beneath the 4th South Viaduct. Yesterday when I was sunbathing at Liberty park, I had read in the paper that this woman named Jennie Dunlap felt that God had called her to feed the homeless. As I was reading about her the Lord impressed on me that this is something I needed to help with. Wondering what I should do the Lord said buy oranges so I did. I bought $10 worth and brought them down to the 4th South Viaduct at Pioneer Park. There I saw people lining up to be fed breakfast and I asked someone if I could donate some oranges and my labor. I was put to work immediately, peeling and slicing a bushel of cantaloupe. I was told we fed nearly 200 people, vagrants, street people, women and children, and it felt wonderful doing it. I spoke with Jennie and asked her how she knew how many people to feed weekly and she told me that God plans the menu with what ever people show up with to give. I was there until eleven a.m. and then went home to clean up.

Mike H. called when I got home and want me to meet Beauchaine and him at Liberty Park. I brought along a little picnic to the park, laid out a blanket and myself. The sun felt wonderful. Mike and Beauchaine found me near the volleyball nets and the central bathrooms. We visited and cruised the guys going in and out of the men's room there. After eating Mike wanted to walk through the Aviary which I had never done before. That was really fun.

At three we had to leave for Conference where I was to give the opening prayer. It seemed a little queer to be praying into a phone but I know the Spirit was there. Elder Pam Calkins gave one of the best talks I ever heard bar none when she said in effect that Gay people were God's tithing to the world. She said how we should be using our gifts and talents to magnify God's creation. Her talk was so filled with the Holy Ghost that it converted Mike P., who just yesterday was saying how he had no need for organized religion. The spirit was with us and nearly over powering. Wonderful Wonderful. At Conference here in Salt Lake City were Marc L., Morgan S., Mike P., Mike H., and I. Wondrous Working Power!

16 June 1986 Monday
Today is my sweet old crotchety Grandma Johnson's 87th birthday.

At work today I spent some time trying to call the Humane Society about putting Sam down but I could never get through to them. It was hard calling about a pet cemetery for Sam also.

Russ looked so sad today. I wonder what is wrong. I can take Russ being mean and callous but I can't take seeing him sad. But I have to remember that he has people he loves like Frank F. and probably others who he can seek out to whom he can share with his sad moments. He is a quite capable man and is able to take care of himself. I know that the savior loves Russ and will see that he gets what he needs without my interventions. And most of all Russ doesn't love me and gets along fine without me. But I do miss him so. Or more correctly I miss what never was. Sigh.

I didn't take a lunch break but did talk to Jon B. during morning break. I wanted to see how he and Gordon J. were holding up about the break up. Jon says its hard because Gordon cries and says he has no place to go. So Jon told him that he can stay another week at his place as long as he works all week.

I decided I wanted to go to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union on the University of Utah's campus tonight. I heard about the group on Concerning Gays and Lesbians. I asked Jon if he wanted to go to and he did. But he also asks if I minded Lon Wright and Gordon J. coming along. I said of course they can.

At seven-thirty we drove to campus and after finding the meeting room on Orson Spencer Hall, we discovered that the group was down at Liberty Park having a barbecue. We decided to head on down there and it was so much fun playing volleyball and getting to know new people. I met this guy named Lyle B. who works for KSL television who wants to get a group together to go to San Francisco for Gay Pride Day. If I can swing it I sure would like to go. He's really interesting and intelligent and so were the rest of the LGSU group. It was good to meet more people and get my mind off of Russ Lane. I was surprised that I knew more people at the barbecue then I thought I would. There were of course we four, and also Marc L., John Cooper, and others I knew by sight but not by name. There were about thirty people at the barbecue in the park.

17 June 1986 Tuesday
It is true that all things come to an end; and today my fantasy world about Russ Lane, and now it see it was truly a fantasy, came to an end. I have finally learned how Russ feels about me for real. No more delusions and lies. I found a note in his office trash can, after I was helping the office cleaning crew gather trash cans, that told me how he felt. Russ wrote:" The reason I haven't been attracted to you is because of your blubbery, ugly assed body, your shitty breath and your wimpy-whining voice. Now add to that I can't stand your childish immaturity."

I do think he was clear and succinct. Not that I validate any of what he says, it is clear to me that he has never liked me and has used me all this time. The peculiar thing is that I don't feel anything, anything at all about this letter as I write about it. Except perhaps relief or perhaps disappointment.

At first I was so angry and hurt that I wrote my own note back to Russ:
"Russ, everyone warned me that you are bad news. But I didn't listen. It's no wonder no one wanted to put you up when you came back to Salt Lake. Yes love is blind because why else could I fall for such a spindly gamey milquetoast thing like you. You think my breath is bad, my God I don't know how I could stand your body odor and that red blotchy skin of yours. What is really laughable is that you think you are good looking. Well Russ I hope someday you grow up an stop being the manipulative user you are. But I guess there are plenty of people you can step on until the pond gets too small and off you go to some other asshole place. You once said we aren't alike. What a great compliment! Boy how right you are. Well you have had your say -twice- to me and now I have had mine. I really don't think I have to do anything to you because you are your own worse enemy. PS Try not to talk anymore then you have to because your faggy-shrilly voice is really embarrassing."

I never sent that letter. I began thinking how would Christ handle rejection and since I knew I had to write him a letter to let him know I saw his torn up letter, I wrote another letter which I left on his desk:

17 June 1986
Russ,
I know this is stupid to write a goodbye letter but I have to say this to you. I don't know how to stop these feelings I have for you. That's not correct. I don't know how to show I care about your life without interfering in your life. I thought it would be easy to simply let us leave each other alone; perhaps even start over like April, May, and June never happened and I could get to know you again as I would any stranger, with a clean slate, no entanglements, no history, and no emotional attachments. But that's impossible.
When ever I go to activities, someone will mention your name and all my thoughts from that point on are on you. Russ as much as it might not seem like it at times I do admire you so much and will always continue to take your part when people disparage, and I will support you in all your endeavors.
I've heard through others about your involvement with forming ties with MCC and your letter to the First Presidency condemning their intolerance. I have to let you know how much I admire your convictions and staying true to your principles.
Russ I know you are fine and happy, and those that you love and love you share in your triumphs and I want you know that I will also always care about your comings and goings and will try to support you in a way that might not be as vocal as I have been but is there just the same. You have touched my life in ways so deep, in ways you can't imagine. But I am trying to get some priorities right in my life. Mike H. has been sweet to me and life is interesting because good things are happening to me.
I don't want you to be like John F. C., someone I worried and wondered about for 13 years whether he was happy in his life. Please allow me to know how things are going in your life and it will be easier to stay out of your life so as not to complicate it anymore then I have.
Russ I will always think of you as a wonderful thing that happened to me. You were like my own Halley Comet, illuminating my life, shining brightly if so briefly. I can only hope that your life will be filled with good things, with people who love you, and who can recognize who you are and love your for it.
We did share a moment that was so exquisite and because of that I know I will never truly be on my own. You know I always wanted nothing but good for you and I always will. Continue to be your enthusiastic, charismatic self and you will never be with out the love of many. As I once heard you blessed, You are a joy and a delight.
I don't know what this letter purports to do other then to say goodbye. I had to write it and I hope some how in these awkward phrases the meaning in my heart will be conveyed to you. I have been your servant - now only a friend.
I do love you.
Ben"

I know I am going to cry tonight but when I don't know. Russ' note in a way is good for me. I needed to realize what a bastard Russ really is to get over him and get on with my life. If I could just hate Russ I think that would be healthier then what I have been putting my self through. But I don't. I only feel used.
• Additional material Kate Smith, beloved American singer best known for God Bless America died (1907-1986)

18 June 1986 Wednesday
I didn't cry last night. I don't feel much of anything except loss.

I went into work and fooled around some. Jon B. and I went on a walk for our morning break and I read to him what Russ had written to me and what I had written to him. Jon said he was so sorry. I am too. I told Jon that if I ever start talking about Russ again to slap me up side the head. I'm done with it.

However after lunch Stan D. called and asked for some addresses in Sacramento I told him I would get for him. I had called Tony Feliz last night and he said that the people there who were interested in the church aren't anymore.

So I didn't have contact names for him after all. But my wife and I gave him $20 to help him on his journey to California. I asked him to meet me at Bill and Nada's Cafe on 6th East and 500 South on my afternoon break. There we visited some more and he told me some news about Russ Lane and Mike H.. I was mostly interested in news about Russ of course. I related what Russ had done to me this time and he asked to read the letter and I let him. Afterwards he said to me," I am so sorry. That must have hurt." Funny. I still didn't feel anything, maybe I will later.

I went back to work and stayed until 7 p.m. when I then walked over to the Crossroads Urban Center with Jon B. for the Salt Lake Chapter of Affirmation. My wife was there already with Stan. Others attending were John Cooper, Paul, Ed B., Marc L., Erik and Dave. It was a pretty good discussion group. After the meeting Ed said he looked over my resume that I had him look at before I submit any applications for a teaching position this fall. He then gave me a really good paper on Homophobia which is the irrational fear of Gay people.

My wife and I then took Jon home where Willy Marshall was waiting. He had just returned from Atlanta where he bought a 1967 Corvette! It was absolutely gorgeous. Willy said that the Libertarians are going to picket the Republican Convention this Saturday for using public money to fund their convention. I said I might join him there. We also made plans to see Rocky Horror Show tomorrow at the Blue Mouse.

19 June 1986 Thursday
I had an ego boost this morning as I went into work. This really cute guy flirted with me and said hello. So screw Russ Lane. Work went okay today also. No biggies.

I saw Lon Wright and we visited a little in the afternoon. He's still involved with Jon B.. I'm wanting to go to San Francisco this coming weekend for the Pride Parade but I don't know if I can swing it. I'll probably procrastinate until its too late anyway. That's a decision in of itself.

Read the article again that Ed B. gave me on Homophobia and its so right on. People do have an irrational fear of homosexuals which is a mental illness itself.

It wasn't as warm today as it has been.

I am on a vegetarian kick again. I haven't had meat or flesh of any kind since Sunday. I have been eating fruits, veggies, herbs, and nuts. I've had very little cheese and no milk. No refined carbohydrates or sugary products. Feels great.

After coming home from work I watched a little TV mostly Bill Cosby Show, Family Ties, and Cheers. Then I left the house to go see Bob McIntier but he wasn't back yet from California.. So then I just went to the Downtown Public Library and checked out some music records. I checked out some Cole Porter tunes, and Dubussy's Claire de Lune.

After that I went to Liberty Park to run. I wanted to run off some anger so I ran from 9th South to 13th West. I kept thinking what a son of a bitch Russ Lane is for calling me a wimp. Twice he has unleashed his anger out at me but I've tried to practice Overeaters Anonymous' principles and did not react to him so he thinks I am a wimp for not fighting back. Well its always easier to sink to the lowest denominator rather then trying to follow Christ's example. So I went running to get it all out. The anger sustained me on my run and it felt good to accomplish it. It's been over a year since I have been running.

My wife was asleep all evening. Depression. I can not help it but I do miss my friend Russ. I miss his humor. He could be so much fun. I do miss that. My inward retreat is nearly half over now and have I accomplished anything? Have I been more introspective?

20 June 1986 Friday
For the first time all week I have cried over Russ Lane. I was listening to Cole Porter's tune, "I get a Kick Out of You," and it just made the tears pour in streams. Fortunately it was after hours at work so no one witnessed the water works.

I worked until 7 p.m. and then took the bus home. I then went out to Liberty Park to run. I am running about 1/2 mile a day now.

My wife and I are agonizing over what to do with the animals when we split up. Put them all to sleep? I might as well put my heart to sleep with them.

At work earlier I had asked people if they were still planning on going to Rocky Horror tonight and they said yes. Kim, Gena, Debbie, from the recording department, Jon B., Willy Marshall, and Carolyn, this friend of Jon's all said they would be there. However when my wife and I went to the Blue Mouse at 11 p.m. we waited until midnight and no one showed.

21 June 1986 Saturday
Summer! It's Summer time! Summertime! Sum Sum Summer time! Yeah! I spent the morning at Cottonwood High School picketing the Republican State Convention along with the Libertarians. Willy Marshall dropped by about 8 a.m. to pick me up and I have been on the go all day. I helped carry a sign that read, "Republicans Do It at Taxpayers Expense"! TV camera crews were there so I was probably on TV again, marching and aggravating the squeaky clean Republicans. Willy carried a sign saying, "Are You Honest In All Your Dealings With Your Fellow Man?" which is a temple recommend question. It was great!

I marched with this 47 year old Gemini Woman who told me that she was an Income Tax Rebel. She said she thought that there would be more Libertarian kids helping and I replied "well with all the Mormon fundamentalists in the party, kids should be coming out of the wood work!" She the looked at me squarely and announced, "I am a Mormon fundamentalist!" I retorted, "well that’s okay because I'm a Gay Mormon!"

Anyway the picketing lasted until about eleven-thirty a.m. A kid named Doug J. also marched with us and he was drop dead gorgeous. Besides Willy and I, other Gays there were Lon Wright and Jon B. who marched with a Punk Rocker and a Military Reservist. It was great!

Everything was going great for me until I overheard Willy Marshall ask Jon if he wanted to go with him to Big Water Utah for Alex Joseph's 50th Birthday party. I felt slighted that I didn't get an invite too. Que Sera Sera. Perhaps it never occurred to Willy that I might want to go along. Still its kind of disappointing.

Willy dropped me back home and since my wife was at work, I walked up to Utah Title to retrieve some personal papers I had left there. Walking back down 6th South, I stopped at Liberty Park and laid out in the sun. KRCL was having their Day In the Park Event so there were mega people there. I stayed there for about an hour and a half watching the boys in a Sun Tan Contest before heading to the $3 Barber Shop across the street on 7th East. I had a hair cut and a beard trim.

Still not wanting to be alone I went to the Deseret Gym for the very first time. It wasn't as nice as the gym I belonged to in California but I did see Craig H. there. After we soaked in the hot tubs there, he invited me back to his place on 3rd East to watched videos and have some dinner. I stopped at the 7-11 on 1st South and 3rd East to buy some cottage cheese for dinner because I still didn't want to eat meat.

We watched "Educating Rita", one of my favorite movies, and visited for much of the evening. Craig told me some gossip about Russ Lane, like how Russ had tried to seduce him when Russ first moved into the Juel Apartments from my house. But Craig said he wasn't sexually attracted to Russ because he's too tall and skinny! ha!ha!ha! Russ did tell Craig that I had a cute face and that he owed me a lot for all that I had done for him. Well Russ Lane! ha! ha! ha! Craig told me that he thought I was very attractive and then we went to bed! ha!ha!ha!

Afterwards Craig related that the reason he doesn't go the Restoration Church anymore is because of the location in Rose Park. There is no bus service on Sundays and he has no way to get out to the Fairgrounds. I got to talk to Bob McIntier seriously about relocating back into downtown central city. Even the Central City Multipurpose Center would be better then where we are now.

Meeting up with Craig H. tonight has been a real boost for me. Thank you Heavenly Father for arranging it.

I am definitely not going to San Francisco next weekend. I will be staying here in Salt Lake picketing the Democrats. So here I am sitting at a Bus stop on 2nd South and Main Street waiting for the nine-thirty transit. I missed the eight-thirty one by just minutes but its a nice warm summer night. Full Moon. A car radio is blasting some top tune. Its nice. It’s magical. Salt Lake is beautiful in the summer. The horse drawn carriages. The Trolleys. Now only if my bus would come. I am really tired from lack of sleep and I need to rest.

My wife received her transcripts from the University of Utah today and she was very excited about that. She thought they were being held up for some reason so now maybe she doesn't have to live in fear and can on with her life. Hey Russel Lane. I miss you. You were fun but life goes on.
• Additional Material "On My Own" by Patti LaBelle and Michael McDonald is number one song on the national charts

22 June 1986 Sunday
I went to Pioneer Park this morning to help with the distribution of food for the street people about 8 a.m. we finished earlier then last time and I was through by nine-thirty. I came back home where my wife informed me that she was going to the LDS Church with Tony and Wanda, so I left the house and walked to Liberty Park where I laid out in the sun while reading the Sunday paper.

John H., who I had met at Liberty Park last August, saw me and came over and sat with me. He then asked if we could go to his place and since I think he's really special I agreed. John makes me feel Gay. We played together, using Crisco, which I discovered is fabulous, until about 1 p.m. I had to leave to get ready for church.

Mike H., always thoughtful, called and asked if I needed a ride but since my wife went off with Tony and Wanda leaving me the car I was okay. I was running a little late and the attendance was small, just Bob McIntier, Mike H., Morgan S., Mike P. , Russ Lane, Ric B. , Charles, and myself. I had to sit next to Russ, it being the only seat available. Bob conducted and presided while Mike H. and Mike P. blessed and passed the Sacrament. We discussed last week's Summer Conference held in Los Angeles, and Bob played a tape of the talk Elder Pamela Calkins gave. It was good to hear her voice again.

After church came home and rested before going out for Sunday's Affirmation at the Crossroads Urban Center. I went because Bob asked if I'd drop some church literature and brochures off at Affirmation. He could have asked Russ Lane but then I am the Bishop's Agent.

I stopped by Craig H.'s place before the meeting to see how he was doing and he agreed to come along with me.

At Affirmation I had a good time. Russ, who was pissed at me at church this afternoon and wouldn't even hug me, at Affirmation came up to me after the meeting was hugging on me, I suppose because I was there to support Affirmation and I had brought Craig along with me. I know I am getting over him but I still like him as a friend.

It’s warm again and my poor old dog Sam is chewing himself raw again because of either fleas or a skin allergy. I hate to see him so miserable.

23 June 1986 Monday
I do not want to record this day but I must. Today I lost my heart, my soul's delight, my little friends, my babies, Sam and Toby. How can I write this through the tears?

This morning my wife said that my black lab, Sam, had a really miserable night, itching and scratching and in torment. She said we should put him down and how would I feel if when I came home tonight Sam was gone? I said I could handle that and she said she would get her friend Shannon to help her. When the gravity of the situation of what my wife was saying kicked in, my heart went numb and my head took over. I told my wife that when she was ready I would take off from work and go with them to the Humane Society.

My wife then took me into work where I only worked for about an hour. I could not concentrate because I kept starting to tear up. My wife called about then and said she was taking Sam and Toby to the park for a last walk and about then my heart was breaking and I knew I couldn't stay at work. I told Bob E. that I wasn't feeling well and had to leave. I told him that I would be back later in the afternoon.

I walked down to Liberty Park and saw my wife with Toby and Sam by the enclosed Duck Pond. The dogs were so happy to see me and we all sat under a shade tree where it was cool. I stayed with the dogs while my wife went to McDonald's to get some hamburgers for them. We played and sat on the grass and I groomed Sam. He's so scabby and has open sores so in my heart I knew it was the right thing to do but he's been my pal since 1977 and I can't imagine life without him. No one had ever loved me so unconditional as he has.

While seeing Toby romp with Sam and lay next to him, I was impressed that we had to put Toby down too. While Sam was always my dog, Toby loved Sam and was devoted to him. That was a very hard decision perhaps the hardest decision of my life, having to choose death over life for the sweetest darlingness dog that ever lived. My sweet Toby. But in my heart I knew that Toby would grieve as much or even more then us for his companion, which he has been with since Toby was a puppy in 1980.

I was just miserable thinking that this was their last walk, their last meal, their last hugs, the last time I would hold my beloved Sam and darling Toby. God how I hated to have to make this decision because I had the power of choosing life or death. I hated it. I kept thinking of old Abraham and Isaac, and how God would spare me at the last moment from the terrible task I had to do.

When my wife returned we let the dogs eat as many hamburgers as they wanted and I so regret that we didn't get Toby some ice cream. He did love his sweets. Maybe that is why he was so sweet. Shannon never hooked up with us which I suppose is how God wanted it to be so we took Sam and Toby on a ride. Oh how Sam loved to travel and then we drove to the Humane Society. My heart was a stone and I kept calling upon God for serenity and strength to do what had to be done.

At the Humane Society, the woman at the desk was adamant that we couldn't be with the dogs as they were put down. My wife was so upset that she finally broke down. I then gently told the lady who would be administering the shot, "We have no children and these are our babies", which must have touched her heart because she allowed us to be them.

As we waited for a room to open up, I just held Toby in my arms, rocking him, while faithful Sam lay at my feet.

When the dreaded time came, we were ushered into a little sterile vet room with a stainless steel table. With all my soul I wanted to bolt and run away as far and as fast I could but cold hard reason dictated the rest of my actions. The woman finally came back into the room with a helper and she was so sweet to the dogs, so sweet. Her assistant tried holding Sam while she clipped him for the needle, but old Sam, true to form to the end, tried to bite him so I asked if I could hold him, like somehow I knew I would be doing. I owed him that. I owed him for all the love and devotion he gave me through out the years. So I held my beloved Sam, as the shot was injected, and 1, 2, 3, he was gone. I felt his spirit leave his old frail body, and he was gone.

Now it was Toby's time, sweet Toby. We sent him to be with Sam for they were never parted in life nor will they be in death. I held Toby, and kissed, and kissed his sweet head as he was given the shot. At the last he made such a pitiful, sorrowful sound that it nearly broke my heart but I know it was not from any real pain and then his body too went limp in my arms. My babies were gone. My wife hugged the woman and I thanked her for being so kind and gentle with our dogs and to us.

Then we had to leave our dear companions and we drove home to an empty house. Our anguish then was unbearable. My wife said that they were the heart and soul of the home and so they were. No one can understand our loss. If my wife and I had just loss our real children, people would b over to comfort, console, and cook for us. No one understands that Sam was my best friend and I loss my best friend and Toby, the sweetest spirit God ever created.

I went back into work about 4 pm because I could not bear to be home in the awful silence. I am sorry that my wife had to be there. Even though I had so much work to do, I was a basket case at work. When Russ Lane came back to my work station with some work orders, I told him, "We put Toby and Sam to sleep today." Russ didn't even turn around to look at me but just said as he left, "That's too bad," and I thought, you cold, unfeeling bastard. After six p.m. Jon B. came back to my work station and I started sobbing in his arms. My heart just could not take anymore. I wanted to die and enter the spirit world to be with my dogs. I miss them without words to express it.

Russ then came back and saw that I really was in a lot of emotional pain and he spoke to me really for the first time in two weeks. He said, "No one could have loved them more then you did, " and then he hugged me along with Jon, while we said a little prayer to Heavenly Father. I had been thinking just before the pair of them came back that no one cared, no one cared that my world came to an end today. But then heavenly Father and Mother sent Jon and Russ to me.

I could not finish work after that and went home to my wife, where we cried and cried some more. I thought it was suppose to get better but I can't help feeling that I made a terrible mistake. I wanted my dogs in bed with me. I miss them terribly. God never put this decision on me again.

Wanda and Tony came by to comfort my wife and perhaps me but I was inconsolable. Then Jon dropped by the house and I cried in his arms again, just sobbing for my babies. It hurts so much that I feel like I should be put to sleep. If I did not believe that God has much more for my wife and I to do yet in this Vail of Tears, I think I would have ended my life to be with them. I miss them so much.

Everyone says we did the right thing by Toby but I can't help but feel guilty. I called mom this evening and told her about Toby and Sam. She was sad of course but I don't think she really understood the magnitude of our loss. No one can understand our loss. Our baby boy Sam is gone. Throughout our entire married life, there were but a few months where we didn't have Sam. It was always the three of us. Never the two of us.

Then darling Toby. Darling Toby. Our baby. What joy he brought to our lives. I learned from Toby about the power of unconditional love wearing down all barriers. I was so drained today, heart ache. Heartache. I really feel like someone has beaten the shit out of me.

Before going to bed, I prayed to Heavenly Parents for comfort. I asked if there be anyone on the other side who loves us to please look after Sam and Toby. I miss them so much. While lying in bed I expect Sam to be at my side and Toby curled at my feet. I can't take much more of this grief. It hurts so much. I almost feel like I am being punished but what for? Where could I over replace Toby?

The house is an empty shell. Why go to work when there's no joy in the home? Why fix dinner when there are no more dogs to feed the table scraps to. I would never have done this if I had known there would be so much pain and emptiness. Christ is a mender of broken hearts. Heal my heart or send me the angel of death.

24 June 1986 Tuesday
Not a happy day. I am still in a state of grief, sorrow, and shock. I didn't want to go to work today but I thought I'd better just to keep busy. I am in such a state of depression. All I can think of is Toby's sweet happy smiling face.

At work Canyon A. called me into his office and told me that he was quite concerned about Russ Lane's productivity. He said that Bob E. is considering letting him go so Canyon asked if there was anything I knew of whereby he could help Russ. This news took me by surprise because I had no idea that Russ was in trouble at work. I asked Canyon if he's had a heart to heart talk with Russ yet to let him know the urgency of the situation. He had not so I went over to Russ' apartment at lunch. I told him that I was there only on business and then related what Canyon had said to me and that I was quite concerned for him. I told Russ that I thought he should know what was going on so that he could address the problem and fix it.

I knew that Russ was going through some emotional issues because Jon B. told me yesterday that Russ was upset because he and Mitch Golden had a relationship for a while as Mitch was coming out of a marriage. Russ said he was in love with Mitch but after Mitch had sex with Russ, he dropped him. Jon said that Russ was really upset over it but I couldn't help laugh thinking about Karma. I told Jon well what goes around comes around. Russ found someone just like himself! Well I still feel sorry for Russ. Jon also said that Mitch had been leading a whole bunch of guys on including Duane Dawson and others from Affirmation.

Anyway I later learned that Russ did have a talk with Canyon and Bob and said that he would increase his productivity. In the evening my wife and I went to the movies to get out of the empty house. We saw "Pretty In Pink" featuring Molly Ringwald but I wasn't really in the mood to be entertained.

25 June 1986 Wednesday
My sister Donna's 37th Birthday.

I went to work today and each day's a little better. When I came home at lunch I inadvertently called out "Sam" "Toby" half expecting to hear the patter of their feet come running to greet me from some other part of the house. Then I started to weep because I won't ever see Sam's old ears flop as he runs and gallops to meet me or see little Toby leap and dance so happy that I am home. No one is happy anymore when I come home. Not even me. It's not home any more. Home is where the heart is and my heart is with Sam and Toby where ever they are.

Why did I put them down? I just did not think it would be this hard.

At work Shauna is being a real bitch but Jon B. is being so sweet and supportive. Even between Russ and I there is an air of cordiality. My heart was soften again towards him from Monday when he was so sympathetic in my hour of grief. I do think his heart was soften too. Life is too short and fragile to hold grudges or to be miserable. If we could all but try to make life easier for each other rather than miserable.

Jon B. is so stressed out over Gordon that he can't concentrate at work.

I told Gina today that I would help train the girls in the recording department if she would let up on Jon.

At home tonight I didn't feel much like going to Family Home Evening at Ric B.'s place. My wife was out shopping for clothes so I just taped so music off of my records and tried to straighten up the house. I vacuumed up some of Sam's hair that he had shed all over the house. He's gone but his hair lingers on. I don't care. I would rather be knee deep in dog hair and have them both back in my arms.

Mom called to see how we were holding up and said that my grandma is up and getting around doing things after she heard that grandpa has cancer. Before she would just sit in her rocking chair all day. Mom is still out of work and she says its hard finding a job in electronics right now. Dad is wearing himself out because he's such a perfectionist at work. My nephew James is finally going to get his driver's license and my niece Denise is really into snakes right now. She is such a tom boy. I wonder if she will be a Lesbian?

I tried calling John H. after mom hung up but he was still at work at the Cabana Club. Jon B. then called me from Lon Wright's place. Jon is going to house sit while Lon and a friend of his visit New York City this weekend. It would be fun to be there over the 4th of July because New York is celebrating the 100th anniversary of the Statue of Liberty. It will be a big to do.

My wife informed me that she wants to keep the cats after we separate. I said I didn't care. She found them and they are her responsibility as the dogs were mine. I did my duty by the dogs but it would have been easier just have put me down with them. My wife also informed me that she's quitting Taylor-Maid and is looking into selling pension plans to federal employees. I don't know what she will end up doing.

Our friends from California called and when we told them about putting down the dogs, Renie agreed and said that Toby would have grieved himself to death and that we did the right thing by him. Her words meant a lot to me because Renie new how much we loved "Sammer" She said that she's glad that she doesn't have the responsibility of Hostage, who died a month ago, any more.

26 June 1986 Thursday
President Tony Feliz called me at work from California. He said that the reason for his call was to recover the addresses of the members of the church here in Utah. Yesterday someone broke into Eddie M.'s car and stole his backpack which contained all the church's records and history. I told Tony that I would get them for him.

Mike H. later called me to see if I was still going to San Francisco for the Gay Pride Parade or knew of anyone else who was going. I told him that while it sounded like so much fun, it was a little too whirl winding for me, and besides I am still grieving from having put Sam and Toby to sleep earlier in the week. He said he understood.

In the afternoon I called John H. and we visited some. I can't tell how he feels about me from his vibes. I enjoyed John H.'s company so much but I want to see in what direction our lives go. There needs to be more then Crisco between us.

I took Jon B. home with me for lunch and fixed him some tuna fish sandwiches. I am still not eating meat. I had a salad and salsa and chips. Jon wanted to talk about Lon Wright. He's worried about his and this new friend of his. Not much could I say, so I just listened. Jon has been so sweet and supportive this week. Even Russ Lane and I are almost back to a working relationship.

When I came home in the evening the house seemed so empty. Even Jon commented saying you could feel the loss of the dogs' karma. My landlady informed me that our rent check bounced. I told her that my wife would take care of it since she takes care of the checking account. Makes me worry where she has been spending our money? She wanted me to go to the movies but I didn't. Its just an escape from the pain and I want to deal with it. I would like to be alone this weekend however. I hope my wife will go down to Levan or else make I could spend the weekend with Jon since Lon Wright is going to New York.

I read my journal from 1984 because it has some good Overeaters anonymous principles in it and that my Heavenly Father said that I am okay as I am. What's in my head? Pain, grief, hurt, uncertainty, guilt, loneliness, anticipation. What of my wife? She's my best friend and I am hers but there's got to be more for me. There must be more.

27 June 1986 Friday
Such a fun day after so many sad ones! At work Russ was so hyper about going to San Francisco for Gay Pride and I was so spaced out going out tonight with John H. that work flew by. Only bummer today was that Kim, the girl in recordings got fired. That was sad for sure because she was a hoot.

My wife was not at the house when I got there but had already gone out so I cleaned up and went to pick up John. We went to Hibachi, a Japanese restaurant on South Temple that had private booths were you sit on bamboo mats on the floor. We had teriyaki and Saki and really a sweet time.

Afterwards we went to the In-Between for a night cap and we sat on the patio beneath the stars. I thought it was romantic and Patty LaBelle was singing some soulful song. John had to be at work early tomorrow and I had promised Jon B. to go to the Democratic State convention tomorrow early so we called it a night about eleven. I just love kissing on John H. and the back patio is such a neat secret garden.
• Additional Material 27-29 June 1986- The 1986 National conference of Affirmation was held in conjunction with National Gay Pride Week in San Francisco. Carol Lynn Pearson, a very prominent LDS writer, was the keynote speaker for the conference. She spoke of her experiences and insights in caring for her husband, Gerald Pearson who had recently died of AIDS. Carol Lynn Pearson, a Mormon Poet, published Good-bye I Love You, an account of her Gay husband’s struggles with his homosexuality and eventual death from AIDS. The book brought the reality of AIDS to the mainstream Mormon community. “I’m sure it will be a shock to some people that I would choose even to discuss this.. There’s no way in the world that anyone could approach these topics and hope to please all of the people all of the time. However it’s important to note that the book is not an attack upon the Mormon Church… I just suggest that all of us need to look at the matter with more realistic eyes and be able to talk about it.” Stated Carol Lynn Pearson. Russ Lane Chapter Director of Wasatch Affirmation attended conference in San Francisco.

28 June 1986 Saturday
I didn't go with Jon B. and Willy Marshall picketing at the Democratic Convention after all because I slept in so late after staying out with John H. and having a bit much to drink. It was just as well because I heard that the police said they were going to arrest them if they didn't stop. So I went to Liberty Park instead after going grocery shopping and dropping clothes off at the dry cleaners.

At the park I saw Marc L. and visited for much of the afternoon while laying out in the sun. He is unhappy with the direction the Restoration Church is going and may be leaving it. We later walked through Tracey Aviary. It was the first time I had ever been inside. It made me sad however when we walked by the duck pond in the center of the park because that is the last place I played with Sam and Toby.

In the evening back at the house my wife and I talked more about splitting up. I think we are going to actually do it.

We left the house in the evening to go shopping at Weinstocks at the Crossroads Mall. We bought some summer clothes. Later at midnight my wife and I went to the Blue Mouse to see The Rocky Horror Picture show again. We saw Mark H. this guy I met at Affirmation there and we sat together. We had a terrific time. There was so much water being thrown in the theater that it was just wild. All in all it was a fun day and we needed it.

I am still missing Sam and Toby so much that I think my heart will break.
• Additional Material Gay attorney Howard Johnson offered an amendment to the Human Services and Resources section of the Utah Democratic Convention's resolutions addressing civil rights, proposing that the words “sexual orientation" be added. The amendment was defeated by a large margin. Later the same day Bryan Stone Daly and Michael Aaron sponsored a plank in the party resolutions that the Utah Democratic Party would support funding for education, research, treatment, and hospice programs in response to the AIDS epidemic. The motioned passed without dissent.
•"On My Own" by Patti LaBelle and Michael McDonald is number one on national charts

29 June 1986 Sunday
I slept in again after being out so late last night. The weather is simply beautiful and warm. I didn't even make it over to feed the street people beneath the viaduct because it was nearly ten a.m. before I even work up.

My wife had gotten up before however and had been out buying a Sunday newspaper. After she was through with it I took it down to Liberty Park and laid out in the sun drinking my Big Gulp. I stayed there until one-thirty then walked back to the house to get ready for church. I really didn't want to go but my wife did so we went. Only Bob McIntier, Marc L. (who was dressed as Alice Foxx), Ric B., Morgan S., my wife and I were there. Very small turn out.

Most of the meeting was taken up with putting Tony Feliz's New Revelations into the Hidden Truths and Treasures. After sacrament we discussed moving from the Northwest multipurpose center back to downtown. I spoke up saying that several people, including Craig H., have expressed their concern about meeting in Rose Park so far from the Gay community which is mostly located in central city. Bob of course would rather that we stay on the Westside closer to where he lives.

I didn't go to Affirmation tonight because without Russ I am sure it would have been boring.
• Additional material Gay Day at Lagoon. Gay Pride Day at the Lake Park Pavilion. Over 300 Gay men and Lesbians attended. Resurrection MCC held services at Lagoon with Rev. Bruce Barton including a moment of silence to remember AIDS victims. Activities were held on National Gay Pride Day and was sponsored by Triangle Magazine.
• LOGAN SCHOOL BOARD SETS AIDS POLICY (SLTribune B12-1)

30 June 1986 Monday
Could it be an entire week since putting the dogs to sleep? I miss them terribly. Our cat Killer is so upset, just meowing and crying all the time searching for them. I know he must be missing them too since he was raised from a kitten with them.

Russ Lane sure looked sun burned and tired from his trip to San Francisco for Gay Pride.

When I came home from work my wife was gone. She didn't leave a note but is probably with Tony and Wanda.

In the evening I went out to met this kid named Tom. Ed B., the retired school teacher, wanted me to talk to him about the Gay community in Salt Lake. I said I would but said I didn't feel like I knew much myself. He's this nice guy from Texas but not someone I would be attracted to. He was down on his luck looking for work so I helped him out by buying a tank full of gas. He said he wants to stay in Salt Lake because he feels like the Lord wants him here. Who can argue with that?

So this is the end of June. It’s the thirtieth day of my retreat of trying to figure out where my life is leading me.

What a strange month it has been. Jon B. broke up with Gordon J. and sent him packing. I am breaking up with my wife. I broke off my obsession with Russ Lane in my own way and my sweet dogs went to sleep in June. I wonder what the Restoration Church has in store for me? Is it still relevant to my life? Tony Feliz is not the man that I wish to be directing my spiritual progress. My life is still very Christ centered but if the church is not then it can not be relevant to me.
• Additional Material The Golden Spike Gay Rodeo Association went to the Rocky Mountain Gay Rodeo Association’s Regional Rodeo in Denver. For the first time Utah was recognized in a regional rodeo.
• The U.S. Supreme Court ruled 5-4 in the case of Bowers v. Hardwick that homosexual activity between consenting adults in the privacy of the home was not protected by the Constitution.

July 1986

2006-12-23T11:46:00.000-08:00

1 July 1986 Tuesday
My wife and I had decided that its time to move on. I paid for a month rent so she could take her time for the move. We are just both heartsick but its the only thing that can be done. I cannot go back to the way things were. I realize more then ever that while I love my wife I am not in love with her and never really was but just all pretend because it was easier. She says she wants me just to have a boyfriend on the side and stay with her but I cannot in good conscience do that and to tell the truth her high dramas and mood swings have just about wore me out.

2 July 1986 Wednesday
My wife took the cats down to the Humane Society, and had them all put to sleep. She didn't consult me but said she felt it was the right thing to do. She had her friend Shannon help her with it. Now all our babies are gone. I am sad about it but not as devastated as I was with Sam and Toby for whom I am still grieving. Jack, Killer, and Baby were stray kittens that my wife rescued in California and brought with her to Utah last August. Killer was beside himself after the dogs were gone, hiding in the closet shelves just crying and Jack was so infested with fleas even after all the dipping that putting him to sleep was surely putting himself out of his misery.

I worked until almost seven and then walked home to Roberta Street. It was nearly 8 pm when my wife and Shannon came home. We visited for a while then my wife started packing things away. The house is so still. Its hard to imagine that for the first time in ten years there are no animals to feed and care for.

3 July 1986 Thursday
I came home early because the computers went down at work and it was a crazy day. It was fun there goofing around with Troy and Trent H., the teenage copy boys. They are neat kids.

At home my wife said she was going to Levan for the 4th of July holiday. So I guess I will be "batching" it for the 3 day holiday weekend.

I went to the grocery store before she left with the car because I was having John H. over for dinner this Saturday. I bought ingredients to make quiche, a spinach salad, a fruit plate and cheesecake and only spent $20 on it all including the wine coolers.

Had to be cheap because my wife informed me before taking off that we are broke until next payday. Just great! When I was doing the bills last year, we paid off our credit cards, and stayed out of debt and now I don't know what is going on. Well I do to. She is spending money on credit and treating her friends to lunches. It would be okay if she was working but she's not.

I went for a walk after my wife left to walk off some frustration. I went to 8th South and 9th East over to see Lynn F. my friend from work. She and her friend Joe were home and I could smell that they had been smoking dope. We visited and listened to some mellow Celtic music.

I hear in the news that back east in New York City they are having a blow out bash to rededicate the Statue of Liberty. I could care less right now about America's self indulgence and back patting. It was after midnight before going to bed in an empty house. The house is so quiet. I will be glad to be out of here.

4 July 1986 Friday
In the afternoon I walked to Liberty Park were the Salt lake German community was having a Polka Folk Fest. That was fun to see all the cute boys in lederhosen.

In the evening Jon B. and Lon Wright invited to go with them the U of U to watch the fireworks from the hillside by the Medical Center. The Triangle Magazine was sponsoring a community get together. I brought a quilt to lie on and I am glad I did because it turned downright cold up there. It was about 60 degrees but since it was windy it was damn chilly.

There was a good turn out of Gays. About 20 people I suppose. There were Lon, Jon, Alma Smith, his friend Stephen Bausterd, and I all huddled beneath my quilt trying to keep warm. I was only dressed in shorts because who would have thought the 4th of July would be so cold? Certainly not I.

Meet this kid named Walter Larabee who I had seen a few times at Affirmation. He was wearing a naval commodore hat with huge ostrich plume. He was so campy and funny. I just love being around Gay people.

While the fireworks were impressive they were not worth the two and a half hour wait in a traffic jam to get down from the U. I however did not wait that long, because after 15 minutes of sitting in Jon's van immobilized, I said "Hold the phone! I'm taking a hike!" and I walked home.

I even got home faster then Lon and Jon did, who stopped by to see if I made it okay. Jon had with him his friend Carolyn who he picked up along the way. I finally got to meet her. Jon raves about her so much. She seemed nice. While it was kind of a slow day for me it certainly was a fun evening.
• Additional Material-4 July weekend 1986- Women On Wheels sponsored three days of camping in the Uintahs surrounded by sun, trees, mountain air, laughter and of course women. About 25 Lesbians participated.

5 July 1986 Saturday
So much preparation and expectation for such a little emotional return. After sleeping in Jon B. dropped by the house and we visited about the Sunstone issues I have been reading lately about the LDS Church changing the temple endowment ceremonies, the altering of the Book of Mormon, and their abandonment of Joseph Smith's teachings on anti-monogamy, anti-capitalism, and the church's now embarrassing super patriotism.

We had a good visit and he told me about his trailer park prophet LeBaron which I suspect has as much business calling himself a prophet as Ezra Taft or Tony Feliz does. Oh yeah they have these existential "keys" to heaven. Oh Brother. I just don't get Jon's blind faith is this LaBaron guy because he holds some sort of line of authority.

After Jon left I began working on dinner for John H. and then cleaning up. I baked two clam quiches, made a fruit salad, a spinach salad with bacon dressing, and a chocolate cheesecake. I had even bought his favorite liquor, Red Label Scotch. I just wanted things to be perfect and romantic. Dinner wasn't until eight p.m. but by six I was already getting so antsy in anticipation.

John walked over form his place near Liberty Park and said he had no trouble finding it. We visited, smooched some, and then had dinner. Then right after eating he says to me that he hated to eat and run but he had a friend flying in from Dallas whom he had to pick up at the airport by ten. I extremely disappointed but wouldn't let on so at nine-thirty we left the house and I walked him home.

Not wishing to go back home and see the ruins of my dinner dishes and misplaced dreams, I walked over to 8th East and 8th South to visit with Lon Wright and share my woes. However I saw that Jon B.'s was there by his vehicle being in the driveway, and since no lights were on I didn't want to intrude, so I walked back home through the park and went to bed. Alone.

I hate this house. Well what did I expect? I just wanted him to come over for dinner and to visit some and we did that...but I guess I was hoping he would show me some gratitude in a most horizontal way.
• Additional Material The Statue of Liberty is reopened to the public after an extensive refurbishing.
• "There'll Be Sad Songs (To Make You Cry)" by Billy Ocean is number one song on national charts

6 July 1986 Sunday
I didn't go to church today but did make it to Affirmation. Russ Lane shared with the group all the big to do about the National Affirmation Conference in San Francisco and Gay Pride Parade. Russ said that a Mormon poet spoke at the conference about a book she wrote about her husband who died of AIDS. That should shake up a few people up. Russ was all animated; kissy and huggy in his natural habitat.

I just sat with Marc L. as Alice Foxx, Jon B., Mike H., and Walt Larabee who kept making fun of Russ. I tried not to laugh but he's so funny. The sitting parlor room at the Crossroads Urban Center is way too small for Affirmation now but I hate to see us leave it. The room forces an intimacy upon the group that a larger room wouldn't.

Jon B. said that the gang from Southern California are coming up next weekend and that LaMar Hamilton basically has dropped out of any leadership position in the church due to Tony's increasing revelations on how he is to be the Prophet Seer and Revelator and supported by members of the church. All I see is Tony surrounded him self with the young pretty boys and placing them in leadership positions.

My wife called me saying she's staying in Levan an extra day so I am on my own getting to work tomorrow.

7 July 1989 Monday
Another unseasonably cool day. In the afternoon we had a quick summer storm roll across the valley cooling things off even more. I left the house at eight-thirty to catch a bus to work at Utah Title but I was dragging butt all day. It was a good thing we were not busy.

During my lunch hour I went looking at apartments within walking distance of work and a grocery store. I looked at the Bel Aire and they had a two bedroom apartment, utilities paid for $350. It was real nice but not sure I could afford it. I am only looking at apartments where the heat is paid because our heating bill from last winter damn near did us under.

I asked Jon B. if he wanted to attend LGSU tonight but he didn't so I walked on home after work. On the way I saw Beauchaine and his friend Todd in Liberty Park. They invited me to go with them to dinner but I declined saying I had to get home.

When I got there discovered that my wife still wasn't home. So I just did the dishes from this weekend, and made some phone calls. I called John H. but he wasn't home, so I called Sister Howard to see if Mike was home and he wasn't either.

I then decided to call Bob McIntier because I do need to make a point to call him once a week to fulfill my obligations as the church's Bishop Agent. We need to get back to the same feeling and spirit we had last May. I need to soften my heart and start allowing myself to be vulnerable again, even if the old magic does not some back again.

Strange I thought I heard Killer meowing as I am writing this. How I miss my babies. I miss my wife. I heard again that sad Patty LeBelle's song "On My Own" and I started to weep. My wife is my best friend. But I don't know how to make this work and good for the both of us. I do love her as a friend, but I am Gay and I can no longer deny that part of me. It has bubbled to the surface and I could no more contain it then putting the fizz back into an opened soda pop can.

I don't know how to help my wife understand this deep rooted part of my being and how I must express it or die emotionally, spiritually, and perhaps even physically. I am not choosing to stop being in love with my wife for I do not believe I truly ever was. Comfortable with her yes. Tender with her yes. Caring for her yes. Erotically desirous of her. No. Not ever.

Yes I could go through the motions of making love, but it was always just a motion and a release. Her breasts, her vagina, were mostly nothing to me. I would see other men's eyes gazing at her large breast as we would walk in public, and wonder what they desired that I never did?

Once I walked in on my wife and Fortino, a Mexican cook we worked with, kissing. I was a little hurt but never jealous. My wife deserves having someone jealously in love with her. If I could I would have had no one else but my wife and she is the only woman I have ever had sex with and that was on my wedding night; but she and I both need romantic love too and it makes me so sad that I can't be all things to all people. But I can't. I hate this house.

8 July 1989 Tuesday
I know that it’s insane but I am taking an apartment at the Juel Apartment, where Russ Lane lives. However, disregarding the fact that Russ lives there, its on 6th East just across from Utah Title's parking lot, its only $200 a month, steam heat is included, and its convenient to Safeway on 9th East and Smith's on 7th East.

I walked all over looking at apartments during lunch again and then I just felt prompted to go during my afternoon break to talk to the managers of the Juel Apartments. They had a vacancy come open in the basement and said I could have it for a $50 deposit. It's a small one bedroom basement apartment but just up the hall from the building's laundry room! Russ Lane lives on the 2nd floor at the front of the building so it’s not like we are going to be crossing paths.

I like the feel of the place. The walls are painted beige, the carpet in coco brown and it just feels warm and cozy. But more then anything else I can afford it and save some money too. So why should I care if Russ Lane lives in the same building and we are sharing the same address again?

In the evening my wife and I went to a Gay A.A. meeting on 1st South and 3rd East. A.A. is really different from O.A. but principles over personalities as they say. I do like O.A. better but since there's not a Gay one, given time, I should like A.A. also. It was a beautiful summer day, not too cool.
• Additional Material David Nelson introduced Human Rights Bill to the Salt Lake City Council that would prohibit discrimination based on sexual orientation.. City attorney Roger Cutler expressed opposition to the bill labeling it a “Gay rights” initiative.

9 July 1986 Wednesday
At work, Canyon A., a Title Loan Officer, came to me with a proposition. His father and he are considering buying out McGhie Title Company and he offered me the job of officer manager, the same job Bob E. holds here. I told him I would think about it but it would be sometime in the future. Still it was appreciated that Canyon thinks so highly of me. Canyon has an identical twin brother. Guess what his name is? Bryce! Only in Utah.

Canyon also told me that Bob is extremely disappointed in Russ' job performance and even if he didn't say so, of Russ' flaming around the office at times. Russ, Russ, Russ. I may love you but others don't. Get your act together at work!

I put down my holding deposit on Apartment Number 3 at the Juel.

At home Marc L. came over to show off his act he’s performing at Backstreet this Saturday and at Pride Day. He has a good singing voice and does campy drag.

After belting out some show tunes, my wife, Marc, and I decided to go to Bob McIntier's from Family Home Evening. I haven't in weeks and it was okay. Besides us only Ric B. and Morgan S. showed up. We played some board games and visited. Nothing too dynamic. Marc was bored and kept yawning embarrassingly all through the evening; I think more to show Bob what he thought about the little get together.

10 July 1986 Thursday
It’s been forty days since I began a spiritual introspective retreat and now that it’s over I wonder what the point is? So much has changed in my life during the past forty days. Above all my furry babies have been sent back to heaven from whence they came and I am in the process of a separation from my wife. I have found a new place to live and I feel emotionally good at this stage of my life.

I went to First American Credit Union to try and get a consolidation loan of $4000 to pay off debt incurred recently by my wife. I pray I get it or its going to get rough financially.

Today was the copy boys, Troy and Trent H.'s 17th birthday. Trent had the day off but poor Troy had to work so I bought him a hot fudge sundae for his birthday. He's such a cute little shit, kind of reminds me of my nephew James. I love is youthful cockiness and bantering.

It’s been a beautiful summer day, not too hot or extreme. My wife is still working at Taylor Maid doing acyclic nails but may be working at the new ZCMI Mall in Sandy in August. She really doesn't want to drive that far and is struggling what to do with her life. She checked into going back to school at the U of U to get her Masters in Sociology but I think everything is pretty much up in the air.

I have been moving clothes, books, and small boxes over to the Juel. It’s beginning to freak my wife out that this is really happening. I haven't heard from John H. all week. I think that sweet fling is over and he's moved on. Can't blame him for not wanting to get involved with me with all the baggage I am carrying right now.

11 July 1986 Friday
Today Utah Title had its annual company picnic up at Solitude in Big Cottonwood Canyon. I went with Jon B., and my wife. Still can't figure out why Russ Lane didn't want to go when there was a free meal involved.

It was a nice gathering ad it's the fist time I've eating red meat in about three weeks. Not missing much. The meadows, aspens, and wild flowers were just spectacular. The mountains were absolutely gorgeous and it was pleasant getting out of the valley heat.

My wife and I saw Steve and Meg M. there with their kids. Steve was hired as a company lawyer on my recommendation. We didn't visit with them much and in fact Meg was rather giving us the cold shoulder as she and Steve were involved with the big wigs. It made my wife angry and she decided to write her off as she did her friend Paulette years ago.

The three of us found a table with Peter F. and Bob J., who is Carol Kessler's brother. I am sure that they are Gay and probably lovers. Debbie J. from sales also joined our table and we all got pretty wild and created a ruckus I suppose.

Dinner was catered by Red Flame and it was all pretty yummy. We stayed until twilight about 9 p.m. then walked about a half mile down to where the cars were parked. Debbie wanted my wife, Jon, and I to continue the party over at her place but we were way too tired and wanted to call it a day.

12 July 1986 Saturday
Pamela Calkins, Lynn L., Michelle H. and Janice, Mark Bluto, John Crane, David Ewing, Eddie M., and Tony Feliz all came in today from Southern California for Summer Conference and to meet with the Salt Lake City branch of the church. About half stayed with my wife and I and the other half with Bob McIntier in west Salt Lake City. I spent much of the day cleaning house, making beds, and making some cookies to sell at Pride Day tomorrow for Affirmation
• Additional material-"Holding Back The Years" by Simply Red is number one song on national charts

13 July 1986 Sunday
Mark Bluto, Michelle H. and Janice were up early to be over at Bob's for an endowment session. So I got up with them and fixed them some breakfast but went back to bed until seven-thirty.

Jon B. called at eight to ask where the Sacrament Meeting was going to be held. He was in Centerville, babysitting his brother's house. I told him that it was at nine a.m. at Bob's house but that it might be a little late because of the early morning endowment sessions. He said he probably couldn't make it for that so I asked if he would swing by and take me to the Pride festival at Pioneer Park. He wasn't sure if he even was going to make that but Mark Bluto and the girls were back at the house by ten-thirty and they said they would take me.

I brought with me about thirty giant cookies I called "Whole Wheat Mormon Faggot Cookies" which I was selling at fifty cents a piece. I made $12 for affirmation after two cookies were stolen by Mexicans, and I had given away four more. It turned out that I was the only one to have brought anything for the Affirmation Booth's Bake Sale.

Russ Lane was already at the park by the time I arrived and he was in a tizzy because Affirmation's booth was in the direct sun without any cover. So I said lets just move it to where you want it so we did, beneath a shade tree.

There were suppose to police at the park during the fair but I didn't see any. I did see two Mexicans steal cookies from me, an Indian chasing some other Indian with a knife, which Beauchaine intervened by taking the knife away so no one was seriously bothered. All in all the transients kept to their side of the park and the faggots kept to our side of the park.

Jon B. showed up after all just after Marc L. came dressed as Alice Foxx. When he saw me, this six foot three inch, former Marine slash drag queen comes running at me and just scooped me up into his arms. That was the most excitement I had all day!

Later I asked Jon if he would run me home because no one thought to provide folding chairs and I didn't want to stand all afternoon. He complied and I brought back chairs and paper weights to hold down our pamphlets that were blowing in the wind.

As we were leaving I spotted a car driving around the park with a photographer leaning out of the car taking pictures. We drove up next to them and yelled what the hell are you doing? And they sped off but not without us getting their car plate numbers. We are going to give them to Willy Marshall, who works as a dispatcher, to trace.

It was kind of a fun day with nearly 200 people showing. I recognized more people then I thought I would. The Libertarians had a booth with Bob Waldrop, Beauchaine had his food concession, Duane Dawson had set up for the Utah AIDS Project, Bob McIntier was holding down the Restoration Church Booth, Bruce Barton and Bruce Harmon were at RMCC's table. There were some others but I didn't recognize what their organizations were. I talked with Mike A. who I had met at Affirmation who is dating Duane Dawson. He's really cute and friendly. I wonder how long he's been with Duane. I sat at the Affirmation booth for most of the afternoon while Russ Lane proselytized. However when the Saliva Sisters, sponsored by Joe Redburn, performed I went to the makeshift stage to see them better. They were great! I laid out on a blanket with Eddie M. and Mike H. listening to the campy girl group. A girl name Melanie, staff the booth with me, until three when she had to leave and then Russ Lane came and joined me.

It was hot in the park and at one point I left with Lon Wright and Jon B. to go get some drinks. I bought Russ a soda and some California coolers for me which I poured into my bota bag. I guess after a bit I was getting pretty smashed having not eaten anything but a Faggot Cookie since morning. I asked Russ if he wanted a drink from my bota bag after he had finished his and he assumed that it was water in my bag. I on my part assumed that he knew that I had been pouring coolers into my bota bag but evidently he didn't and after the first mouthful he spit the wine out, and made such a fuss. I almost wanted to burst out laughing. What a wimp. Anyway I said I was sorry and thought he knew since I had told everyone else what was in the bag. Maybe if he would have paid me more attention he would have known also.

Anyhow Marc L. and finally some other church members came to relieve Bob McIntier from his post at the RCJC booth. He had let it go to pot I think because he was upset that he was not included in all the revelatory digs going on at his house. Now perhaps he knows how the rest of us feel when the "Lord" is so exclusive on who is allowed into the inner sanctum circle.

By late afternoon I was pretty smash and when the shindig was all over Jon B. took my drunken butt home. Lon Wright had left the party early in a huff mad at Jon for not giving him enough attention. My first Pride day.
• Additional Material: The Saliva Sisters are a campy novelty act parodying the Utah culture. Joe Redburn owner of the Sun Club gave them their first break booking them in his club and they in turn have been loyal to their Gay appreciative audience. 1986 was the first of many appearances at Gay Pride Day in Utah.
• Gay Pride Day at Pioneer Park with Salt Lake Men’s Choir, Walt Larabee’s New Orleans’ Waylon and Madame performing. The event was sponsored by Cabaret Corp. Chair of Pride Day ‘86 was Beauchaine. Approximately 200 people attended Gay Pride Day at Pioneer Park. The Saliva Sisters were the head line act, their fee donated by Joe Redburn. Other performers were Julliard pianist Steve Oldroyd, entertainer Walt Larabee, singers Darrel Rojoit, and Ron Richardson. Joe Redburn spoke out about his troubles with the Salt Lake Police as selective enforcement, the unfair legal harassment of Gay people by the SL police Groups sponsoring booths were the Restoration Church, AIDS Project Utah, Affirmation, RMCC, the Triangle Magazine. Richard “Ragnar” McCall, 27 year old local artist sold artwork. Run ins with transients resulted in a Gay man bringing charges against an intruder for threatening him with a knife. Richard McCall died 3 Oct 1994 age thirty-five in Salt Lake City of AIDS

14 July 1986 Monday
I got up at five-thirty a.m. to see Mark Bluto and the girls off. I don't feel well today maybe too much sun yesterday.

I came home early from work to rest before going over to Liberty Park for LGSU's summer activity. There were about 15 guys there and we met at the volleyball nets north of the Park toilets. I saw Mike A. there again and he's so clever and smart mouthed, but in a sophisticated Noel Coward kind of way. I like him a lot. Saw Lyle Bradley., Jim Hunsaker, Graham Bell, and others from LGSU playing volleyball when Duane Dawson who had a convertible had a bunch of pile in and he took us on a "Cruise the Park" Seminar. It was fun just being silly and probably a tad bit obnoxious. I guess Duane is a registered nurse and involved in the AIDS prevention community.
• Additional Material- Eric S. Berger died age 24 of AIDS. Born 5 February 1962 Salt Lake City. He loved music, philosophy, tennis, karate. He wrote and composed many beautiful songs. Was a volunteer for Utahns Against Hunger.

15 July 1986 Tuesday
I felt a little better today then yesterday but still feeling rather run down. Hope it's not a summer old. They are the worse. If not for the herbs and vitamins I am choking down I probably wouldn't be able to function at all.

I worked nearly 12 hours today because I had to be at a Dynacomp meeting at 8:00 a.m. to which I was late but did make it and I was in the office until nearly eight at night. The bad news at work is that Robin G. maybe coming back. I told Bob E. that Robin's coming back would be a mistake.

After work I walked over to St. Marks Church on 1st South and 2nd East for a Gay A.A. meeting and I was exhausted. I sat between two guys who puffed cigarette smoke like industrial pollution and that pissed me off. Principles over personalities.

A man at the meeting pitched that he had been diagnosed yesterday with AIDS and the doctors said that he would be dead within 6 months. This is the first time I have ever met someone who actually has the disease and not just someone testing positive for HIV. It didn't freak me out being in the same room with him but he did make me think about the mortality of life. Putting Toby and Sam to sleep sapped a lot of my vitality from my soul.

When I finally got home around nine-thirty I told my wife that I'm making her the beneficiary of my estate and that I want to be cremated and my ashes spread somewhere where they might mingle with Sam and Toby.

I don't know what is happening with my wife anymore. She has shut down towards me. I don't know if she will stay with me for a little while in the new place or strike out on her own. Ah that is the question. How to live alone again after nine years of being together. I think that it would be so much easier for us to make this break if my wife and I could work up some hate for each other but we don't. We love each other.
• Additional Material-Alan Jense Lovell died at the age of 36 of AIDS. He was born 16 April 1950 in American Fork

16 July 1986 Wednesday
I am still feeling drugged out but better. Well I guess Robyn G. is definitely coming back to Utah Title and because I am powerless over people places and things I better learn to accept, turn my attitude around, and try to love Shauna M. and her, the screeching harpies. I will pray for them.

I went over to the Juel Apartment with my wife this evening to show her the place. She is still up in the air over what she will be doing. She's talking about getting a job working on pumping the Great Salt Lake into the west desert at $1000. I sometimes wonder if my wife is not delusional. What a pipe dream. She is 41 years old, has a bad heel, is out of shape, and can't stand the heat. What she needs to do is find steady employment that simply pays more then $400 a month.

Found out today that I was turned down by America First Credit Union for a consolidation loan because of bad credit and having filed bankruptcy back in 1980. Well I can't change that.

My tongue is so swollen. That is how I can that I am sick. There are a lot of colds and a type of flu going around.
• Additional Material- Nineteen bicyclists rode into Salt Lake City as part of “Cycle For Life” an AIDS fund raising group. They were met by only a handful of reporters and the two state officials they’d asked top met with, Governor Norm Bangerter and Mayor Palmer de Paulis said they were busy elsewhere. The group of bicyclists are traveling the country in search of funds to help people with AIDS

17 July 1986 Thursday
When I went into work today, I first stopped and bought donuts for the recording and customer service departments. I miss Russ being where I can visit with him through out the day but life goes on.

At home watched some reruns on television before bringing some more kitchen items over to the Juel Apartments. The lights aren't turned on yet so after setting boxes down, I just sat on the floor in the darkness and cried. It seems so empty here. I miss Toby and Sam so much my heart just aches when ever I think about them. It’s almost unbearable. Also how am I going to live without my friend and companion, my wife?

I drove back to Roberta Street and found my wife and we laid in each others arms and wept. We sobbed for each other and for our lost furry babies. This is so very hard. I just want to hold them in my arms again.
• Additional material- Cory De Young claimed that Sun Club Owner, Joe Redburn, knew of the drug dealing by his employees at a meeting before the department of business regulations, The Salt Lake City Police department was seeking to revoke the Sun’s business license. The hearing was postponed indefinitely after city prosecutor Art Keesler suffered a heart attack.
• CROSS COUNTRY CYCLISTS VISIT SL TO RAISE CASH FOR AIDS VICTIMS (SLTribune B3-1)

18 July 1986 Friday
This morning was the first time my wife and I have been cross with each other during this transition. I think we fought because we are anxious about the unknown future.

It still is not wonderful at work either. Bob E. hired a new guy named Troy N. who seems okay if kind of rough around the edges. He's young, 22 or 23 tops! Bob had me train him on the computers and he's all cocky and stuff but I kind of like him.

At lunch I saw Lon Wright waiting for Jon B. in the lobby and we said hi. I don't see things working out between the two of them because Lon is so possessive of Jon and in the Gay, I think, that is the kiss of death for a relationship. Lon is just a slip of a guy, 5' 6' if that tall. Scrawny, balding, but has a killer full mustache.

I haven't heard a word from John H. since I had him over for dinner and I guess deep down I don't really expect to hear from him anymore.

After work Jon B. came over to see the apartment and we visited about his relationship with Lon before my wife came to pick me up. Jon said he's burning out working in customer service but thinks Russ is actually doing better.

I went home with my wife and we watched an episode of the Twilight Zone which was an excellent episode about redeeming people from hell. I need someone to rescue me.

Afterwards my wife wanted to get out of the house so we escaped to the movies. We went to the Sandcastle in Bountiful and saw "Back to School" featuring Rodney Dangerfield. It was really cute and coincidently Alma Smith was at the movies with some Lesbian friends of his, Candace Steel, Nancy, and Shirley. My wife sat with them I sat with Alma. It was fun and cozy.

Afterwards while visiting in the parking lot my wife discussed with the lesbians some feminist books she's been reading, like "Smart Women, Dumb Choices", and "Women Who Love Too Much." It was a fun evening I think for all of us.

I heard from Jon B. that MCC is leaving the First Unitarian Church on 13th East to move into their new church building on 6th East just up the street from Liberty Park.

Yesterday Russ Lane said that Affirmation is definitely leaving Crossroads Urban Center and may be meeting at Beauchaine's cabaret and Gingerbread House for the rest of the month and August too.

19 July 1986 Saturday
My wife had to work this morning so I went to Liberty Park to lie out in the sun for two hours. It felt good.

I then walked up to work on 4th South to put in a couple of hours worth of overtime.

This evening Tony S. came with his pick up truck to help me move my twin bed, couch and loveseat, my dining room table and chairs, and the coffee and end tables. I would have had to rent a truck without Tony's help. We got all the big items in two trips. If Tony hadn't been here to help, I don't know what I'd have done. I take back all the mean things I ever said about him.

At the Juel Apartments, my place had all this old granny furniture in it and I asked the managers to have it all removed except for chest of drawers and old wooden stand they use to call a commode because a water basin was kept on the top and a chamber pot on the bottom. Otherwise all the furniture is mine. I bought it from Leavitz on credit last March.

My wife is keeping the washer and dryer, all the bedroom furniture, the oak rocker, and the knickknack stands. She really didn't want anything else. She is looking after Shannon's bird while she is on vacation so she won't be completely alone in the house.

We slept together for probably the last time in the house on Roberta street. My wife acts like she is coping but I know this is killing her because it isn't easy on me either, the one that is leaving. It feels like when we had to put Toby and Sam down. I just go through the motions to get through it without experiencing any feelings or emotions until later.
• Additional Material-TEACHER DOUGLAS L. HOWARD ACQUITTED OF LEWDNESS (SLTribune B12-5)
• "Invisible Touch" by Genesis is number one song on national charts.

20 July 1986 Sunday
All morning kept going back and forth between Roberta Street and 6th East bringing boxes of kitchen items and clothes. Finally at 2 p.m. stopped long enough for my wife and I to go to Church at the central city community center. We had two new members attend, a lesbian couple by the names of Leanne and Carol. Others in attendance were Bob McIntier, Mike H., Cy F. from Provo, Morgan S., Ric B., Russ Lane, Marc L., my wife and me.

I was released as a Bishop Agent today supposedly by revelation that Tony Feliz received, releasing all the Bishop Agents. That was easy since Eddie M. and I were the only ones. When the revelation was read, I objected saying that it should simply be put in the church archives as an administrative decision and not received as a divine revelation that should go into the Hidden Truths and Treasures. That didn't go over well.

After Sacrament meeting, Marc L. invited my wife and I over to his apartment for dinner. Later in the evening we all went to Affirmation at the Crossroads urban Center. The topic of the meeting was on couples and relationships. Saw Mike A. there again and I think I have a crush on him but alas he is with Duane Dawson.

My wife and I spent the night in the new apartment. She slept in the twin bed and I slept on the couch.

21 July 1986 Monday
I was just dragging all day because I didn't get to sleep until well after midnight. At work I asked Bob E. for Friday off and he said okay! Great!

At home I made some corn muffins because there's not much else in the house to eat.

It's amazing that Russ Lane lives just up the stairs from me but can't be bothered to come down and see my apartment.

I walked up to Orson Spencer Hall on the U of U campus to attend LGSU in the evening. I am glad I did rather then sitting home and isolating. I saw Garth S., Scott M., Duane Dawson, and Mike A. there. It was a good meeting and Garth gave me a ride home.

Right now as I am writing in my journal it’s after ten p.m. and I'm sitting in my new apartment watching the news.

My wife decided to spend the night on Roberta Street so its our first night in separate households. Thus in such a very short time I am alone and on my own again. However I don't feel lonely because self-acceptance is essential for happiness. It's not that I don't really miss my wife but maybe its only the security of having someone you can rely on. I wish she had the apartment next door. No I don't. I don't know what I want. It’s all a muddle. My wife first day of work at the ZCMI Mall in Sandy was today.

22 July 1986 Tuesday
At work Canyon A. confided in me that there's going to be a lot of changes and that Bob E. wants to fire Russ Lane, but Canyon wants him back down in examining documents. I let Canyon know how unhappy I would be if they let Russ go without giving him a second chance. I must be nuts. Here I am still defending Russ and he could care less about me. I am starting to really like Troy N.. He's a cool dude.

23 July 1986 Wednesday
I moved more things into my apartment that my wife wanted out of the house. Heard from Jon B. that he's going to Oregon over the Pioneer Day Holiday.
• Additional Material In London, Prince Andrew, Duke of York marries Sarah Ferguson at Westminster Abbey.

24 July 1986 Thursday
I spent most of the day at Liberty Park where the Neighborhood Fair was being held.

Wanda and Tony S. came over to Roberta Street to help clean the carpets so we can get our security deposit back. Wanda wanted to go to the park to hear the music but my wife and Tony just wanted to stay at the house so I went with Wanda. There I saw Walt Larabee and Garth S. I also saw Mike H. and we hugged.

As we were walking along the main concourse through the park, this blond mop hair kid I've seen at Affirmation a few times stopped on his mountain bike when he saw me. He looked so damn sexy wearing cut off blue jeans cut nearly to his crotch. He had long muscular but lean legs and a smile that would melt butter. I was surprised that he wanted to talk to me and I was really flattered. He said that he appreciated what I say at Affirmation and he said that he had an art exhibit up at Park City coming up in August. He wanted me to come to see it but without a car, I doubt if I'll be able to make it.

When he rode off he turned back and flashed me a golden smile and I felt rather disappointed to see him ride off. He's so damn cute.

Wanda wanted to go back to the house so I walked with her to Roberta Street then came back to the park. I hooked up with Walt, Garth and Mike, and found a spot near the duck pond to watch the fireworks. As it turned out we were nearly right beneath where they were being set off and cinders and shrapnel rained back on us. Nevertheless it was beautiful and it was a pleasant night.

After the fireworks the crowd dispersed and I walked home to my apartment up 6th East. Just I barely reached the apartment it started to lightning, thunder and rain. Mike H. said the boy on the bike with the dazzling smile name is Billy.

25 July 1986 Friday
I spent much of the morning cleaning and putting things away in my new apartment. In the front room there is a large closet with glass French doors with dark wood. I hung beige lacy floor length curtains there and over the single window in the front room. Even though it’s a basement apartment, the window is about two feet above the outside ground so I get plenty of light.

That microwave and stand just barely fits in the small kitchen. But there's a window over the sink.

I had to put the dining table in a corner of the front room and the two camel back couches face each other with end tables and a coffee table in the middle. I put my television on the commode stand and placed it by the window. Its closed quarters but cozy.

I went into work for a few hours even though I had asked for the day off.

It rained a lot today and when I was done at work I went over to Roberta Street to help my wife clean. However, she must have been listening to her friends, or drinking, because she was very angry and rude and on the rag so much so that I didn't want to stay and listen to that, so consequently I walked back home.

On an impulse I stopped by John H.s and he was home. He asked me in and we visited for a little bit. We made a date for next Saturday. Let's see if he keeps it.
• Additional material- Vincente Minnelli, Hollywood musical film director, once married to Judy Garland and father of Liza Minnelli died. He is considered by critics to be the virtual father of the modern musical. (1903-1986)

26 July 1986 Saturday
Just tired even thinking about all that had to be done today at Roberta Street. I walked over there again this morning to help my wife with the cleaning and packing. The place is a mess with her not having cleaned or picked up after herself for days.

It's so overwhelming and I must say I was frustrated and discouraged. After packing boxes and taking apart beds and mattresses in the afternoon we found her a storage unit for her stuff because she hasn't decided where she's going to stay. I was hoping she would have found a place by now. What is going to happen to her? I guess it’s not my business anymore just my controlling nature but its driving me nuts. After taking care of her for nine years it’s hard not to worry.

In the evening Tony and Wanda S. showed up with the pickup and we took the washer and dryer, the bed and as much as we could over to the storage shed. It had been raining off and on all day but luckily it had stopped raining for the move.

On the way over Tony and I talked about why my wife and I were separating. I have known Tony since 1977 when he was 15 years old and my wife knew him since he was a baby. I think it was good for him to hear the reasons why even if they are hard for him to understand.

We didn't get the house cleaned and emptied until after eleven-thirty so we were all good and tired. Especially Tony since he had to work today. I must say Tony really came through for us on this one like no other.

I figured up my monthly bills today and it was so depressing. I owe over $870 a month including rent but without money for food and utilities. I barely bring home $1000 a month. My wife is going to have to help out with these bills. Because she no longer had a bed, my wife spent the night at my apartment. I slept on the couch.
• Additional Material-Sheldon Spears age 34 died of AIDS. Spears was the first person to discuss his condition publicly in Utah. He appeared on the cover of USA today, was a guest on Take Two on KUTV and gave interviews on a number of radio talk shows. He taught classes at the U of U and served in the navy where he was decorated for meritorious service. Sheldon “Winky” Constantine Spears age 34 died of AIDS. Born 5 August 1951 in San Francisco, California. Graduated from Skyline High School. Employed by University of Utah. He helped found the Utah AIDS Project. He was survived by special friend Barney M. Jacobs. (11 Mar 1954 25 May 1991)

27 July 1986 Sunday
My wife and I went back over to Roberta Street to clean out the basement. I really hate that house and the feelings there. It was over priced, under insulated, and the last place on earth I had my dogs. It was also the place where the first branch of the RCJC Church was organized; it was where I made love to Russ Lane, and where I discovered my true identity.

We didn't make it to the Restoration Church today so we went to the five o'clock meeting of the Metropolitan Community Church. I know most of the people there now and am feeling more comfortable attending even though I won't take communion there. The high protestant ceremony makes me realize all the more the need for a Sacrament meeting for Gays with an LDS background.

This is MCC's last meeting in the Unitarian Church. In August they will be moving into their new building on 6th east. Mike A. was at church and he asked my wife and I for a ride down to the Crossroads Urban Center for Affirmation. Outside of the church I encountered Jon B. who had just returned from Oregon. It was really good to see him again. I really missed him.

My wife didn't want to attend Affirmation so after dropping her off at the apartment I went on with Jon and Mike. Tonight's meeting was a business meeting and we voted on moving to the Unitarian Church since MCC was vacating it. The rent is $50 a month to be there but $84 was committed by just the few that were at the meeting. It was a good meeting and Russ Lane got a lot of positive strokes for his leadership which he does deserve.

I sat with Marc L. and Jon B. through the entire meeting and afterwards was surprised to see my wife outside waiting for us. We were all visiting, and eventually Billy, the beautiful boy on the bike in the park came and joined us. I invited Jon, and Marc L. home for dinner and my wife turns to Billy and asked him if he wanted to come too. He seemed eager to join us so much so that I felt guilty not asking him in the first place but it was my own insecurities that kept me from asking. Certainly anyone that good looking wouldn't want to be with me.

It was a late meal and my first dinner party in my new place. It was good to have people over visiting and have a great time except Marc and Billy seemed to have some tension. I think Marc had done something silly like goose him once at an Affirmation meeting and Billy didn't appreciate it.

My wife is starting her new job tomorrow so Jon and Mark left about eleven-thirty and my wife went to bed at midnight. Billy B. said he needed someone to talk to so we ended up talking until three-thirty a.m. He needs to talk some things out and I need to get to know him. He seems so repressed and stressed out but he will be okay. I tried to give him some wiser and older big brother advice and I gave him a massage to loosen up his tense body. He ended up falling to sleep on the floor beside the couch and I fell asleep on the couch gazing at this golden boy as I drifted off to sleep. I wanted to him to take the couch but he wouldn't.
• Additional Material- "Sledgehammer" by Peter Gabriel is number one song on national charts
• Mark Fisher age 33 died of AIDS .

28 July 1986 Monday
I am so tired after being up so late with Billy. I threw myself into the shower hoping to wake up. My wife got off to work okay I suppose. I didn't hear her leave. Billy left when I finished my shower.

I dragged my butt all day at work and only because of what they did to Russ Lane today did I not remain comatose. Bob E. brought Russ down from customer service and put him in recording. Not only was it kind of a demotion, I think Bob put him there so Gena would fire him. However Gena who likes my butt assured me that she wants Russ to succeed because as she says, Russ is her ticket out of recording. This really is Russ' last chance at Utah Title and I bet anything Ed Rogers the co-owner knew who attended his company picnic and who did not. I hope Russ has the sense to dig in and make something of this opportunity.

At lunch I came home and took a nap. That helped some.

My wife came up to work after she got off at 6 p.m. and said she likes everyone where she works and thinks its going to be good for her. That's wonderful.

We went over to my place and I fixed her some dinner and at seven she and I left the apartment. I went to the LGSU barbecue at Liberty Park, not to eat but to socialize while my wife said she wanted to go back to Roberta Street to get some stuff done there. I have no idea what is left to do.

At Liberty Park I talked with Scott M. mostly about Utah Title. He works in the home loan department for American Savings and Loans and he said that Canyon A. and Steve B. had given him such a hard time over some title search that Scott won't give Utah Title any of his business. This is useful information.

I saw Marc L. at the park and he and I were the only ones not really connected with LGSU. There were a lot of new young guys that I didn't know but we played volleyball for a while and had fun but not as much as usual. The new guys were either standoffish or shy. I was still tired from staying up too late last night so Marc and I left before the party was over.

We walked up 6th East to 4th South where I sat with Marc until his bus came. I told Marc I feel like I am involved with six people. My wife is my best friend, Marc L. is my sounding board, Jon B. is my emotional support, I am connected to Russ Lane spiritually, Mike A. flirtatiously, and John H. sexually. All of these people are meeting a need of mine right now and I hope I am meeting some of theirs.

29 July 1986 Tuesday
Troy N. came over to the apartment today for lunch. We are becoming friends. He asked me if I was a "screamer”, his funny way of saying Gay. I said yes, is that a problem? He said that's cool but I'm not. I told him he was too dorky to be Gay. Anyway after work went straight home to bed and finally got some rest. I have no idea where my wife is spending her nights. There's no furniture anymore at Roberta Street.

30 July 1986 Wednesday
This morning Bob E. cornered me and asked if Associated Title had offered me a job yet. I was real evasive and answered all his questions with a question. However I did say while I was happy at Utah Title that shouldn't preclude me from exploring what opportunities are out there. He didn't know what to think and I think I handled him very well. So he's heard from someone that Associated Title wants to talk to me. It’s the first I heard of it.

After Bob left I went To Ed Rodgers office and told him how I am trying to bring business to the company through connections I have with Jim P. and Scott M.. Ed was very enthusiastic and said to call the marketing people and tell them to take Jim and Scott out to lunch. I also mentioned that sending a couple boxes of chocolates to their offices would let them know we appreciate their business and Ed jumped on that idea and said let's do it. Well I made a hit with Ed Rodgers which I need to do since the office gossip is going wild about me being Gay and leaving my wife. I need to insulate myself from being an easy target so if anyone says that the Gays in the office are driving away business I can respond that it was the straights that did that and it was the Gays who brought it back.

Troy H., one of the copy boys, just loves my butt. He's always finding a way to visit with me. Anyone who is intelligent like Marcelle B., the teenage girl I worked with at the University of California at Irvine likes me. I give them things to think about and encourage them to be different.

Russ is driving me nuts at work. I'm so irritated with him but still he manages to arouse me. Sometimes when he's talking to me and I look at him, I start to get a hard on. What is there still about Russ that he can do that to me? Later Russ came and wanted to tell me about his latest boyfriend. He said he's been dating this guy named Barton. I wanted to say that one fuck does not a relationship make but I bit my tongue.

I left work at 5 p.m. and Jon B. gave me a ride to Roberta Street to help my wife remove her remaining possessions over to the storage unit before it closed at seven. Lionel and Linda S., parents of Tony, were there and had cleaned the carpet well with a rental machine. They came through for my wife but I think they would like to kill me.

There really wasn't anything for me to do so I said tomorrow I will mop floors and other last minute cleaning and then we will be through. Jon took me back to my place and stayed while I fixed him some dinner. We talked about old loves and I told him about John F. C. my first love and first heart break for most of the evening. When he left I did manage to get a hold of John H. and confirmed our date for this coming Saturday. Russ made me horny.
• Additional Material- AIDS IS NOW MAJOR EPIDEMIC IN UATH DR. KRISTEN RIES INFORMS 52 ROTARY CLUB AIDS is indeed a major epidemic in Utah said a physician who had a patient die Saturday (Sheldon Spears), only to diagnose a new case Monday. Dr. Kristen Ries an infectious disease specialist told members of the Rotary Club of Salt Lake that 40 cases reported in Utah represent only a fraction of potential cases. About 400 Utahns have been found to have AIDS anti-bodies but they are only carriers and display no symptoms. State Epidemiologist Craig Nichols estimated there are at least 2,000 more who have no reason to suspect they have AIDS but who are also infected. Dr. Ries estimated thirty per cent of those who have been infected will never become ill but can still spread the disease to others. Beyond the 40 identified patients are the many more AIDS patients who have come home for care after being diagnosed elsewhere she explained that care in these cases is treatment for illness which healthy people could fight but AIDS patients cannot survive. Kaposa Sarcoma is a cancerous condition of the blood vessels which causes purple spots on the skin. This is an epidemic which is not going away she added urging that members of the community learn to avoid the kinds of contact which can lead to transmission. “All the patients I have seen are people who never thought they were going to get it,” she said. Among them are two Utah women who are carrying the anti-bodies but who don’t have AIDS. Both are married to bisexual men but did not know the men were bisexual. (SLTribune B3)

August 1986

2006-12-23T11:45:00.000-08:00

1 July 1986 Tuesday
My wife and I had decided that its time to move on. I paid for a month rent so she could take her time for the move. We are just both heartsick but its the only thing that can be done. I cannot go back to the way things were. I realize more then ever that while I love my wife I am not in love with her and never really was but just all pretend because it was easier. She says she wants me just to have a boyfriend on the side and stay with her but I cannot in good conscience do that and to tell the truth her high dramas and mood swings have just about wore me out.

2 July 1986 Wednesday
My wife took the cats down to the Humane Society, and had them all put to sleep. She didn't consult me but said she felt it was the right thing to do. She had her friend Shannon help her with it. Now all our babies are gone. I am sad about it but not as devastated as I was with Sam and Toby for whom I am still grieving. Jack, Killer, and Baby were stray kittens that my wife rescued in California and brought with her to Utah last August. Killer was beside himself after the dogs were gone, hiding in the closet shelves just crying and Jack was so infested with fleas even after all the dipping that putting him to sleep was surely putting himself out of his misery.

I worked until almost seven and then walked home to Roberta Street. It was nearly 8 pm when my wife and Shannon came home. We visited for a while then my wife started packing things away. The house is so still. Its hard to imagine that for the first time in ten years there are no animals to feed and care for.

3 July 1986 Thursday
I came home early because the computers went down at work and it was a crazy day. It was fun there goofing around with Troy and Trent H., the teenage copy boys. They are neat kids.

At home my wife said she was going to Levan for the 4th of July holiday. So I guess I will be "batching" it for the 3 day holiday weekend.

I went to the grocery store before she left with the car because I was having John H. over for dinner this Saturday. I bought ingredients to make quiche, a spinach salad, a fruit plate and cheesecake and only spent $20 on it all including the wine coolers.

Had to be cheap because my wife informed me before taking off that we are broke until next payday. Just great! When I was doing the bills last year, we paid off our credit cards, and stayed out of debt and now I don't know what is going on. Well I do to. She is spending money on credit and treating her friends to lunches. It would be okay if she was working but she's not.

I went for a walk after my wife left to walk off some frustration. I went to 8th South and 9th East over to see Lynn F. my friend from work. She and her friend Joe were home and I could smell that they had been smoking dope. We visited and listened to some mellow Celtic music.

I hear in the news that back east in New York City they are having a blow out bash to rededicate the Statue of Liberty. I could care less right now about America's self indulgence and back patting. It was after midnight before going to bed in an empty house. The house is so quiet. I will be glad to be out of here.

4 July 1986 Friday
In the afternoon I walked to Liberty Park were the Salt lake German community was having a Polka Folk Fest. That was fun to see all the cute boys in lederhosen.

In the evening Jon B. and Lon Wright invited to go with them the U of U to watch the fireworks from the hillside by the Medical Center. The Triangle Magazine was sponsoring a community get together. I brought a quilt to lie on and I am glad I did because it turned downright cold up there. It was about 60 degrees but since it was windy it was damn chilly.

There was a good turn out of Gays. About 20 people I suppose. There were Lon, Jon, Alma Smith, his friend Stephen Bausterd, and I all huddled beneath my quilt trying to keep warm. I was only dressed in shorts because who would have thought the 4th of July would be so cold? Certainly not I.

Meet this kid named Walter Larabee who I had seen a few times at Affirmation. He was wearing a naval commodore hat with huge ostrich plume. He was so campy and funny. I just love being around Gay people.

While the fireworks were impressive they were not worth the two and a half hour wait in a traffic jam to get down from the U. I however did not wait that long, because after 15 minutes of sitting in Jon's van immobilized, I said "Hold the phone! I'm taking a hike!" and I walked home.

I even got home faster then Lon and Jon did, who stopped by to see if I made it okay. Jon had with him his friend Carolyn who he picked up along the way. I finally got to meet her. Jon raves about her so much. She seemed nice. While it was kind of a slow day for me it certainly was a fun evening.
• Additional Material-4 July weekend 1986- Women On Wheels sponsored three days of camping in the Uintahs surrounded by sun, trees, mountain air, laughter and of course women. About 25 Lesbians participated.

5 July 1986 Saturday
So much preparation and expectation for such a little emotional return. After sleeping in Jon B. dropped by the house and we visited about the Sunstone issues I have been reading lately about the LDS Church changing the temple endowment ceremonies, the altering of the Book of Mormon, and their abandonment of Joseph Smith's teachings on anti-monogamy, anti-capitalism, and the church's now embarrassing super patriotism.

We had a good visit and he told me about his trailer park prophet LeBaron which I suspect has as much business calling himself a prophet as Ezra Taft or Tony Feliz does. Oh yeah they have these existential "keys" to heaven. Oh Brother. I just don't get Jon's blind faith is this LaBaron guy because he holds some sort of line of authority.

After Jon left I began working on dinner for John H. and then cleaning up. I baked two clam quiches, made a fruit salad, a spinach salad with bacon dressing, and a chocolate cheesecake. I had even bought his favorite liquor, Red Label Scotch. I just wanted things to be perfect and romantic. Dinner wasn't until eight p.m. but by six I was already getting so antsy in anticipation.

John walked over form his place near Liberty Park and said he had no trouble finding it. We visited, smooched some, and then had dinner. Then right after eating he says to me that he hated to eat and run but he had a friend flying in from Dallas whom he had to pick up at the airport by ten. I extremely disappointed but wouldn't let on so at nine-thirty we left the house and I walked him home.

Not wishing to go back home and see the ruins of my dinner dishes and misplaced dreams, I walked over to 8th East and 8th South to visit with Lon Wright and share my woes. However I saw that Jon B.'s was there by his vehicle being in the driveway, and since no lights were on I didn't want to intrude, so I walked back home through the park and went to bed. Alone.

I hate this house. Well what did I expect? I just wanted him to come over for dinner and to visit some and we did that...but I guess I was hoping he would show me some gratitude in a most horizontal way.
• Additional Material The Statue of Liberty is reopened to the public after an extensive refurbishing.
• "There'll Be Sad Songs (To Make You Cry)" by Billy Ocean is number one song on national charts

6 July 1986 Sunday
I didn't go to church today but did make it to Affirmation. Russ Lane shared with the group all the big to do about the National Affirmation Conference in San Francisco and Gay Pride Parade. Russ said that a Mormon poet spoke at the conference about a book she wrote about her husband who died of AIDS. That should shake up a few people up. Russ was all animated; kissy and huggy in his natural habitat.

I just sat with Marc L. as Alice Foxx, Jon B., Mike H., and Walt Larabee who kept making fun of Russ. I tried not to laugh but he's so funny. The sitting parlor room at the Crossroads Urban Center is way too small for Affirmation now but I hate to see us leave it. The room forces an intimacy upon the group that a larger room wouldn't.

Jon B. said that the gang from Southern California are coming up next weekend and that LaMar Hamilton basically has dropped out of any leadership position in the church due to Tony's increasing revelations on how he is to be the Prophet Seer and Revelator and supported by members of the church. All I see is Tony surrounded him self with the young pretty boys and placing them in leadership positions.

My wife called me saying she's staying in Levan an extra day so I am on my own getting to work tomorrow.

7 July 1989 Monday
Another unseasonably cool day. In the afternoon we had a quick summer storm roll across the valley cooling things off even more. I left the house at eight-thirty to catch a bus to work at Utah Title but I was dragging butt all day. It was a good thing we were not busy.

During my lunch hour I went looking at apartments within walking distance of work and a grocery store. I looked at the Bel Aire and they had a two bedroom apartment, utilities paid for $350. It was real nice but not sure I could afford it. I am only looking at apartments where the heat is paid because our heating bill from last winter damn near did us under.

I asked Jon B. if he wanted to attend LGSU tonight but he didn't so I walked on home after work. On the way I saw Beauchaine and his friend Todd in Liberty Park. They invited me to go with them to dinner but I declined saying I had to get home.

When I got there discovered that my wife still wasn't home. So I just did the dishes from this weekend, and made some phone calls. I called John H. but he wasn't home, so I called Sister Howard to see if Mike was home and he wasn't either.

I then decided to call Bob McIntier because I do need to make a point to call him once a week to fulfill my obligations as the church's Bishop Agent. We need to get back to the same feeling and spirit we had last May. I need to soften my heart and start allowing myself to be vulnerable again, even if the old magic does not some back again.

Strange I thought I heard Killer meowing as I am writing this. How I miss my babies. I miss my wife. I heard again that sad Patty LeBelle's song "On My Own" and I started to weep. My wife is my best friend. But I don't know how to make this work and good for the both of us. I do love her as a friend, but I am Gay and I can no longer deny that part of me. It has bubbled to the surface and I could no more contain it then putting the fizz back into an opened soda pop can.

I don't know how to help my wife understand this deep rooted part of my being and how I must express it or die emotionally, spiritually, and perhaps even physically. I am not choosing to stop being in love with my wife for I do not believe I truly ever was. Comfortable with her yes. Tender with her yes. Caring for her yes. Erotically desirous of her. No. Not ever.

Yes I could go through the motions of making love, but it was always just a motion and a release. Her breasts, her vagina, were mostly nothing to me. I would see other men's eyes gazing at her large breast as we would walk in public, and wonder what they desired that I never did?

Once I walked in on my wife and Fortino, a Mexican cook we worked with, kissing. I was a little hurt but never jealous. My wife deserves having someone jealously in love with her. If I could I would have had no one else but my wife and she is the only woman I have ever had sex with and that was on my wedding night; but she and I both need romantic love too and it makes me so sad that I can't be all things to all people. But I can't. I hate this house.

8 July 1989 Tuesday
I know that it’s insane but I am taking an apartment at the Juel Apartment, where Russ Lane lives. However, disregarding the fact that Russ lives there, its on 6th East just across from Utah Title's parking lot, its only $200 a month, steam heat is included, and its convenient to Safeway on 9th East and Smith's on 7th East.

I walked all over looking at apartments during lunch again and then I just felt prompted to go during my afternoon break to talk to the managers of the Juel Apartments. They had a vacancy come open in the basement and said I could have it for a $50 deposit. It's a small one bedroom basement apartment but just up the hall from the building's laundry room! Russ Lane lives on the 2nd floor at the front of the building so it’s not like we are going to be crossing paths.

I like the feel of the place. The walls are painted beige, the carpet in coco brown and it just feels warm and cozy. But more then anything else I can afford it and save some money too. So why should I care if Russ Lane lives in the same building and we are sharing the same address again?

In the evening my wife and I went to a Gay A.A. meeting on 1st South and 3rd East. A.A. is really different from O.A. but principles over personalities as they say. I do like O.A. better but since there's not a Gay one, given time, I should like A.A. also. It was a beautiful summer day, not too cool.
• Additional Material David Nelson introduced Human Rights Bill to the Salt Lake City Council that would prohibit discrimination based on sexual orientation.. City attorney Roger Cutler expressed opposition to the bill labeling it a “Gay rights” initiative.

9 July 1986 Wednesday
At work, Canyon A., a Title Loan Officer, came to me with a proposition. His father and he are considering buying out McGhie Title Company and he offered me the job of officer manager, the same job Bob E. holds here. I told him I would think about it but it would be sometime in the future. Still it was appreciated that Canyon thinks so highly of me. Canyon has an identical twin brother. Guess what his name is? Bryce! Only in Utah.

Canyon also told me that Bob is extremely disappointed in Russ' job performance and even if he didn't say so, of Russ' flaming around the office at times. Russ, Russ, Russ. I may love you but others don't. Get your act together at work!

I put down my holding deposit on Apartment Number 3 at the Juel.

At home Marc L. came over to show off his act he’s performing at Backstreet this Saturday and at Pride Day. He has a good singing voice and does campy drag.

After belting out some show tunes, my wife, Marc, and I decided to go to Bob McIntier's from Family Home Evening. I haven't in weeks and it was okay. Besides us only Ric B. and Morgan S. showed up. We played some board games and visited. Nothing too dynamic. Marc was bored and kept yawning embarrassingly all through the evening; I think more to show Bob what he thought about the little get together.

10 July 1986 Thursday
It’s been forty days since I began a spiritual introspective retreat and now that it’s over I wonder what the point is? So much has changed in my life during the past forty days. Above all my furry babies have been sent back to heaven from whence they came and I am in the process of a separation from my wife. I have found a new place to live and I feel emotionally good at this stage of my life.

I went to First American Credit Union to try and get a consolidation loan of $4000 to pay off debt incurred recently by my wife. I pray I get it or its going to get rough financially.

Today was the copy boys, Troy and Trent H.'s 17th birthday. Trent had the day off but poor Troy had to work so I bought him a hot fudge sundae for his birthday. He's such a cute little shit, kind of reminds me of my nephew James. I love is youthful cockiness and bantering.

It’s been a beautiful summer day, not too hot or extreme. My wife is still working at Taylor Maid doing acyclic nails but may be working at the new ZCMI Mall in Sandy in August. She really doesn't want to drive that far and is struggling what to do with her life. She checked into going back to school at the U of U to get her Masters in Sociology but I think everything is pretty much up in the air.

I have been moving clothes, books, and small boxes over to the Juel. It’s beginning to freak my wife out that this is really happening. I haven't heard from John H. all week. I think that sweet fling is over and he's moved on. Can't blame him for not wanting to get involved with me with all the baggage I am carrying right now.

11 July 1986 Friday
Today Utah Title had its annual company picnic up at Solitude in Big Cottonwood Canyon. I went with Jon B., and my wife. Still can't figure out why Russ Lane didn't want to go when there was a free meal involved.

It was a nice gathering ad it's the fist time I've eating red meat in about three weeks. Not missing much. The meadows, aspens, and wild flowers were just spectacular. The mountains were absolutely gorgeous and it was pleasant getting out of the valley heat.

My wife and I saw Steve and Meg M. there with their kids. Steve was hired as a company lawyer on my recommendation. We didn't visit with them much and in fact Meg was rather giving us the cold shoulder as she and Steve were involved with the big wigs. It made my wife angry and she decided to write her off as she did her friend Paulette years ago.

The three of us found a table with Peter F. and Bob J., who is Carol Kessler's brother. I am sure that they are Gay and probably lovers. Debbie J. from sales also joined our table and we all got pretty wild and created a ruckus I suppose.

Dinner was catered by Red Flame and it was all pretty yummy. We stayed until twilight about 9 p.m. then walked about a half mile down to where the cars were parked. Debbie wanted my wife, Jon, and I to continue the party over at her place but we were way too tired and wanted to call it a day.

12 July 1986 Saturday
Pamela Calkins, Lynn L., Michelle H. and Janice, Mark Bluto, John Crane, David Ewing, Eddie M., and Tony Feliz all came in today from Southern California for Summer Conference and to meet with the Salt Lake City branch of the church. About half stayed with my wife and I and the other half with Bob McIntier in west Salt Lake City. I spent much of the day cleaning house, making beds, and making some cookies to sell at Pride Day tomorrow for Affirmation
• Additional material-"Holding Back The Years" by Simply Red is number one song on national charts

13 July 1986 Sunday
Mark Bluto, Michelle H. and Janice were up early to be over at Bob's for an endowment session. So I got up with them and fixed them some breakfast but went back to bed until seven-thirty.

Jon B. called at eight to ask where the Sacrament Meeting was going to be held. He was in Centerville, babysitting his brother's house. I told him that it was at nine a.m. at Bob's house but that it might be a little late because of the early morning endowment sessions. He said he probably couldn't make it for that so I asked if he would swing by and take me to the Pride festival at Pioneer Park. He wasn't sure if he even was going to make that but Mark Bluto and the girls were back at the house by ten-thirty and they said they would take me.

I brought with me about thirty giant cookies I called "Whole Wheat Mormon Faggot Cookies" which I was selling at fifty cents a piece. I made $12 for affirmation after two cookies were stolen by Mexicans, and I had given away four more. It turned out that I was the only one to have brought anything for the Affirmation Booth's Bake Sale.

Russ Lane was already at the park by the time I arrived and he was in a tizzy because Affirmation's booth was in the direct sun without any cover. So I said lets just move it to where you want it so we did, beneath a shade tree.

There were suppose to police at the park during the fair but I didn't see any. I did see two Mexicans steal cookies from me, an Indian chasing some other Indian with a knife, which Beauchaine intervened by taking the knife away so no one was seriously bothered. All in all the transients kept to their side of the park and the faggots kept to our side of the park.

Jon B. showed up after all just after Marc L. came dressed as Alice Foxx. When he saw me, this six foot three inch, former Marine slash drag queen comes running at me and just scooped me up into his arms. That was the most excitement I had all day!

Later I asked Jon if he would run me home because no one thought to provide folding chairs and I didn't want to stand all afternoon. He complied and I brought back chairs and paper weights to hold down our pamphlets that were blowing in the wind.

As we were leaving I spotted a car driving around the park with a photographer leaning out of the car taking pictures. We drove up next to them and yelled what the hell are you doing? And they sped off but not without us getting their car plate numbers. We are going to give them to Willy Marshall, who works as a dispatcher, to trace.

It was kind of a fun day with nearly 200 people showing. I recognized more people then I thought I would. The Libertarians had a booth with Bob Waldrop, Beauchaine had his food concession, Duane Dawson had set up for the Utah AIDS Project, Bob McIntier was holding down the Restoration Church Booth, Bruce Barton and Bruce Harmon were at RMCC's table. There were some others but I didn't recognize what their organizations were. I talked with Mike A. who I had met at Affirmation who is dating Duane Dawson. He's really cute and friendly. I wonder how long he's been with Duane. I sat at the Affirmation booth for most of the afternoon while Russ Lane proselytized. However when the Saliva Sisters, sponsored by Joe Redburn, performed I went to the makeshift stage to see them better. They were great! I laid out on a blanket with Eddie M. and Mike H. listening to the campy girl group. A girl name Melanie, staff the booth with me, until three when she had to leave and then Russ Lane came and joined me.

It was hot in the park and at one point I left with Lon Wright and Jon B. to go get some drinks. I bought Russ a soda and some California coolers for me which I poured into my bota bag. I guess after a bit I was getting pretty smashed having not eaten anything but a Faggot Cookie since morning. I asked Russ if he wanted a drink from my bota bag after he had finished his and he assumed that it was water in my bag. I on my part assumed that he knew that I had been pouring coolers into my bota bag but evidently he didn't and after the first mouthful he spit the wine out, and made such a fuss. I almost wanted to burst out laughing. What a wimp. Anyway I said I was sorry and thought he knew since I had told everyone else what was in the bag. Maybe if he would have paid me more attention he would have known also.

Anyhow Marc L. and finally some other church members came to relieve Bob McIntier from his post at the RCJC booth. He had let it go to pot I think because he was upset that he was not included in all the revelatory digs going on at his house. Now perhaps he knows how the rest of us feel when the "Lord" is so exclusive on who is allowed into the inner sanctum circle.

By late afternoon I was pretty smash and when the shindig was all over Jon B. took my drunken butt home. Lon Wright had left the party early in a huff mad at Jon for not giving him enough attention. My first Pride day.
• Additional Material: The Saliva Sisters are a campy novelty act parodying the Utah culture. Joe Redburn owner of the Sun Club gave them their first break booking them in his club and they in turn have been loyal to their Gay appreciative audience. 1986 was the first of many appearances at Gay Pride Day in Utah.
• Gay Pride Day at Pioneer Park with Salt Lake Men’s Choir, Walt Larabee’s New Orleans’ Waylon and Madame performing. The event was sponsored by Cabaret Corp. Chair of Pride Day ‘86 was Beauchaine. Approximately 200 people attended Gay Pride Day at Pioneer Park. The Saliva Sisters were the head line act, their fee donated by Joe Redburn. Other performers were Julliard pianist Steve Oldroyd, entertainer Walt Larabee, singers Darrel Rojoit, and Ron Richardson. Joe Redburn spoke out about his troubles with the Salt Lake Police as selective enforcement, the unfair legal harassment of Gay people by the SL police Groups sponsoring booths were the Restoration Church, AIDS Project Utah, Affirmation, RMCC, the Triangle Magazine. Richard “Ragnar” McCall, 27 year old local artist sold artwork. Run ins with transients resulted in a Gay man bringing charges against an intruder for threatening him with a knife. Richard McCall died 3 Oct 1994 age thirty-five in Salt Lake City of AIDS

14 July 1986 Monday
I got up at five-thirty a.m. to see Mark Bluto and the girls off. I don't feel well today maybe too much sun yesterday.

I came home early from work to rest before going over to Liberty Park for LGSU's summer activity. There were about 15 guys there and we met at the volleyball nets north of the Park toilets. I saw Mike A. there again and he's so clever and smart mouthed, but in a sophisticated Noel Coward kind of way. I like him a lot. Saw Lyle Bradley., Jim Hunsaker, Graham Bell, and others from LGSU playing volleyball when Duane Dawson who had a convertible had a bunch of pile in and he took us on a "Cruise the Park" Seminar. It was fun just being silly and probably a tad bit obnoxious. I guess Duane is a registered nurse and involved in the AIDS prevention community.
• Additional Material- Eric S. Berger died age 24 of AIDS. Born 5 February 1962 Salt Lake City. He loved music, philosophy, tennis, karate. He wrote and composed many beautiful songs. Was a volunteer for Utahns Against Hunger.

15 July 1986 Tuesday
I felt a little better today then yesterday but still feeling rather run down. Hope it's not a summer old. They are the worse. If not for the herbs and vitamins I am choking down I probably wouldn't be able to function at all.

I worked nearly 12 hours today because I had to be at a Dynacomp meeting at 8:00 a.m. to which I was late but did make it and I was in the office until nearly eight at night. The bad news at work is that Robin G. maybe coming back. I told Bob E. that Robin's coming back would be a mistake.

After work I walked over to St. Marks Church on 1st South and 2nd East for a Gay A.A. meeting and I was exhausted. I sat between two guys who puffed cigarette smoke like industrial pollution and that pissed me off. Principles over personalities.

A man at the meeting pitched that he had been diagnosed yesterday with AIDS and the doctors said that he would be dead within 6 months. This is the first time I have ever met someone who actually has the disease and not just someone testing positive for HIV. It didn't freak me out being in the same room with him but he did make me think about the mortality of life. Putting Toby and Sam to sleep sapped a lot of my vitality from my soul.

When I finally got home around nine-thirty I told my wife that I'm making her the beneficiary of my estate and that I want to be cremated and my ashes spread somewhere where they might mingle with Sam and Toby.

I don't know what is happening with my wife anymore. She has shut down towards me. I don't know if she will stay with me for a little while in the new place or strike out on her own. Ah that is the question. How to live alone again after nine years of being together. I think that it would be so much easier for us to make this break if my wife and I could work up some hate for each other but we don't. We love each other.
• Additional Material-Alan Jense Lovell died at the age of 36 of AIDS. He was born 16 April 1950 in American Fork

16 July 1986 Wednesday
I am still feeling drugged out but better. Well I guess Robyn G. is definitely coming back to Utah Title and because I am powerless over people places and things I better learn to accept, turn my attitude around, and try to love Shauna M. and her, the screeching harpies. I will pray for them.

I went over to the Juel Apartment with my wife this evening to show her the place. She is still up in the air over what she will be doing. She's talking about getting a job working on pumping the Great Salt Lake into the west desert at $1000. I sometimes wonder if my wife is not delusional. What a pipe dream. She is 41 years old, has a bad heel, is out of shape, and can't stand the heat. What she needs to do is find steady employment that simply pays more then $400 a month.

Found out today that I was turned down by America First Credit Union for a consolidation loan because of bad credit and having filed bankruptcy back in 1980. Well I can't change that.

My tongue is so swollen. That is how I can that I am sick. There are a lot of colds and a type of flu going around.
• Additional Material- Nineteen bicyclists rode into Salt Lake City as part of “Cycle For Life” an AIDS fund raising group. They were met by only a handful of reporters and the two state officials they’d asked top met with, Governor Norm Bangerter and Mayor Palmer de Paulis said they were busy elsewhere. The group of bicyclists are traveling the country in search of funds to help people with AIDS

17 July 1986 Thursday
When I went into work today, I first stopped and bought donuts for the recording and customer service departments. I miss Russ being where I can visit with him through out the day but life goes on.

At home watched some reruns on television before bringing some more kitchen items over to the Juel Apartments. The lights aren't turned on yet so after setting boxes down, I just sat on the floor in the darkness and cried. It seems so empty here. I miss Toby and Sam so much my heart just aches when ever I think about them. It’s almost unbearable. Also how am I going to live without my friend and companion, my wife?

I drove back to Roberta Street and found my wife and we laid in each others arms and wept. We sobbed for each other and for our lost furry babies. This is so very hard. I just want to hold them in my arms again.
• Additional material- Cory De Young claimed that Sun Club Owner, Joe Redburn, knew of the drug dealing by his employees at a meeting before the department of business regulations, The Salt Lake City Police department was seeking to revoke the Sun’s business license. The hearing was postponed indefinitely after city prosecutor Art Keesler suffered a heart attack.
• CROSS COUNTRY CYCLISTS VISIT SL TO RAISE CASH FOR AIDS VICTIMS (SLTribune B3-1)

18 July 1986 Friday
This morning was the first time my wife and I have been cross with each other during this transition. I think we fought because we are anxious about the unknown future.

It still is not wonderful at work either. Bob E. hired a new guy named Troy N. who seems okay if kind of rough around the edges. He's young, 22 or 23 tops! Bob had me train him on the computers and he's all cocky and stuff but I kind of like him.

At lunch I saw Lon Wright waiting for Jon B. in the lobby and we said hi. I don't see things working out between the two of them because Lon is so possessive of Jon and in the Gay, I think, that is the kiss of death for a relationship. Lon is just a slip of a guy, 5' 6' if that tall. Scrawny, balding, but has a killer full mustache.

I haven't heard a word from John H. since I had him over for dinner and I guess deep down I don't really expect to hear from him anymore.

After work Jon B. came over to see the apartment and we visited about his relationship with Lon before my wife came to pick me up. Jon said he's burning out working in customer service but thinks Russ is actually doing better.

I went home with my wife and we watched an episode of the Twilight Zone which was an excellent episode about redeeming people from hell. I need someone to rescue me.

Afterwards my wife wanted to get out of the house so we escaped to the movies. We went to the Sandcastle in Bountiful and saw "Back to School" featuring Rodney Dangerfield. It was really cute and coincidently Alma Smith was at the movies with some Lesbian friends of his, Candace Steel, Nancy, and Shirley. My wife sat with them I sat with Alma. It was fun and cozy.

Afterwards while visiting in the parking lot my wife discussed with the lesbians some feminist books she's been reading, like "Smart Women, Dumb Choices", and "Women Who Love Too Much." It was a fun evening I think for all of us.

I heard from Jon B. that MCC is leaving the First Unitarian Church on 13th East to move into their new church building on 6th East just up the street from Liberty Park.

Yesterday Russ Lane said that Affirmation is definitely leaving Crossroads Urban Center and may be meeting at Beauchaine's cabaret and Gingerbread House for the rest of the month and August too.

19 July 1986 Saturday
My wife had to work this morning so I went to Liberty Park to lie out in the sun for two hours. It felt good.

I then walked up to work on 4th South to put in a couple of hours worth of overtime.

This evening Tony S. came with his pick up truck to help me move my twin bed, couch and loveseat, my dining room table and chairs, and the coffee and end tables. I would have had to rent a truck without Tony's help. We got all the big items in two trips. If Tony hadn't been here to help, I don't know what I'd have done. I take back all the mean things I ever said about him.

At the Juel Apartments, my place had all this old granny furniture in it and I asked the managers to have it all removed except for chest of drawers and old wooden stand they use to call a commode because a water basin was kept on the top and a chamber pot on the bottom. Otherwise all the furniture is mine. I bought it from Leavitz on credit last March.

My wife is keeping the washer and dryer, all the bedroom furniture, the oak rocker, and the knickknack stands. She really didn't want anything else. She is looking after Shannon's bird while she is on vacation so she won't be completely alone in the house.

We slept together for probably the last time in the house on Roberta street. My wife acts like she is coping but I know this is killing her because it isn't easy on me either, the one that is leaving. It feels like when we had to put Toby and Sam down. I just go through the motions to get through it without experiencing any feelings or emotions until later.
• Additional Material-TEACHER DOUGLAS L. HOWARD ACQUITTED OF LEWDNESS (SLTribune B12-5)
• "Invisible Touch" by Genesis is number one song on national charts.

20 July 1986 Sunday
All morning kept going back and forth between Roberta Street and 6th East bringing boxes of kitchen items and clothes. Finally at 2 p.m. stopped long enough for my wife and I to go to Church at the central city community center. We had two new members attend, a lesbian couple by the names of Leanne and Carol. Others in attendance were Bob McIntier, Mike H., Cy F. from Provo, Morgan S., Ric B., Russ Lane, Marc L., my wife and me.

I was released as a Bishop Agent today supposedly by revelation that Tony Feliz received, releasing all the Bishop Agents. That was easy since Eddie M. and I were the only ones. When the revelation was read, I objected saying that it should simply be put in the church archives as an administrative decision and not received as a divine revelation that should go into the Hidden Truths and Treasures. That didn't go over well.

After Sacrament meeting, Marc L. invited my wife and I over to his apartment for dinner. Later in the evening we all went to Affirmation at the Crossroads urban Center. The topic of the meeting was on couples and relationships. Saw Mike A. there again and I think I have a crush on him but alas he is with Duane Dawson.

My wife and I spent the night in the new apartment. She slept in the twin bed and I slept on the couch.

21 July 1986 Monday
I was just dragging all day because I didn't get to sleep until well after midnight. At work I asked Bob E. for Friday off and he said okay! Great!

At home I made some corn muffins because there's not much else in the house to eat.

It's amazing that Russ Lane lives just up the stairs from me but can't be bothered to come down and see my apartment.

I walked up to Orson Spencer Hall on the U of U campus to attend LGSU in the evening. I am glad I did rather then sitting home and isolating. I saw Garth S., Scott M., Duane Dawson, and Mike A. there. It was a good meeting and Garth gave me a ride home.

Right now as I am writing in my journal it’s after ten p.m. and I'm sitting in my new apartment watching the news.

My wife decided to spend the night on Roberta Street so its our first night in separate households. Thus in such a very short time I am alone and on my own again. However I don't feel lonely because self-acceptance is essential for happiness. It's not that I don't really miss my wife but maybe its only the security of having someone you can rely on. I wish she had the apartment next door. No I don't. I don't know what I want. It’s all a muddle. My wife first day of work at the ZCMI Mall in Sandy was today.

22 July 1986 Tuesday
At work Canyon A. confided in me that there's going to be a lot of changes and that Bob E. wants to fire Russ Lane, but Canyon wants him back down in examining documents. I let Canyon know how unhappy I would be if they let Russ go without giving him a second chance. I must be nuts. Here I am still defending Russ and he could care less about me. I am starting to really like Troy N.. He's a cool dude.

23 July 1986 Wednesday
I moved more things into my apartment that my wife wanted out of the house. Heard from Jon B. that he's going to Oregon over the Pioneer Day Holiday.
• Additional Material In London, Prince Andrew, Duke of York marries Sarah Ferguson at Westminster Abbey.

24 July 1986 Thursday
I spent most of the day at Liberty Park where the Neighborhood Fair was being held.

Wanda and Tony S. came over to Roberta Street to help clean the carpets so we can get our security deposit back. Wanda wanted to go to the park to hear the music but my wife and Tony just wanted to stay at the house so I went with Wanda. There I saw Walt Larabee and Garth S. I also saw Mike H. and we hugged.

As we were walking along the main concourse through the park, this blond mop hair kid I've seen at Affirmation a few times stopped on his mountain bike when he saw me. He looked so damn sexy wearing cut off blue jeans cut nearly to his crotch. He had long muscular but lean legs and a smile that would melt butter. I was surprised that he wanted to talk to me and I was really flattered. He said that he appreciated what I say at Affirmation and he said that he had an art exhibit up at Park City coming up in August. He wanted me to come to see it but without a car, I doubt if I'll be able to make it.

When he rode off he turned back and flashed me a golden smile and I felt rather disappointed to see him ride off. He's so damn cute.

Wanda wanted to go back to the house so I walked with her to Roberta Street then came back to the park. I hooked up with Walt, Garth and Mike, and found a spot near the duck pond to watch the fireworks. As it turned out we were nearly right beneath where they were being set off and cinders and shrapnel rained back on us. Nevertheless it was beautiful and it was a pleasant night.

After the fireworks the crowd dispersed and I walked home to my apartment up 6th East. Just I barely reached the apartment it started to lightning, thunder and rain. Mike H. said the boy on the bike with the dazzling smile name is Billy.

25 July 1986 Friday
I spent much of the morning cleaning and putting things away in my new apartment. In the front room there is a large closet with glass French doors with dark wood. I hung beige lacy floor length curtains there and over the single window in the front room. Even though it’s a basement apartment, the window is about two feet above the outside ground so I get plenty of light.

That microwave and stand just barely fits in the small kitchen. But there's a window over the sink.

I had to put the dining table in a corner of the front room and the two camel back couches face each other with end tables and a coffee table in the middle. I put my television on the commode stand and placed it by the window. Its closed quarters but cozy.

I went into work for a few hours even though I had asked for the day off.

It rained a lot today and when I was done at work I went over to Roberta Street to help my wife clean. However, she must have been listening to her friends, or drinking, because she was very angry and rude and on the rag so much so that I didn't want to stay and listen to that, so consequently I walked back home.

On an impulse I stopped by John H.s and he was home. He asked me in and we visited for a little bit. We made a date for next Saturday. Let's see if he keeps it.
• Additional material- Vincente Minnelli, Hollywood musical film director, once married to Judy Garland and father of Liza Minnelli died. He is considered by critics to be the virtual father of the modern musical. (1903-1986)

26 July 1986 Saturday
Just tired even thinking about all that had to be done today at Roberta Street. I walked over there again this morning to help my wife with the cleaning and packing. The place is a mess with her not having cleaned or picked up after herself for days.

It's so overwhelming and I must say I was frustrated and discouraged. After packing boxes and taking apart beds and mattresses in the afternoon we found her a storage unit for her stuff because she hasn't decided where she's going to stay. I was hoping she would have found a place by now. What is going to happen to her? I guess it’s not my business anymore just my controlling nature but its driving me nuts. After taking care of her for nine years it’s hard not to worry.

In the evening Tony and Wanda S. showed up with the pickup and we took the washer and dryer, the bed and as much as we could over to the storage shed. It had been raining off and on all day but luckily it had stopped raining for the move.

On the way over Tony and I talked about why my wife and I were separating. I have known Tony since 1977 when he was 15 years old and my wife knew him since he was a baby. I think it was good for him to hear the reasons why even if they are hard for him to understand.

We didn't get the house cleaned and emptied until after eleven-thirty so we were all good and tired. Especially Tony since he had to work today. I must say Tony really came through for us on this one like no other.

I figured up my monthly bills today and it was so depressing. I owe over $870 a month including rent but without money for food and utilities. I barely bring home $1000 a month. My wife is going to have to help out with these bills. Because she no longer had a bed, my wife spent the night at my apartment. I slept on the couch.
• Additional Material-Sheldon Spears age 34 died of AIDS. Spears was the first person to discuss his condition publicly in Utah. He appeared on the cover of USA today, was a guest on Take Two on KUTV and gave interviews on a number of radio talk shows. He taught classes at the U of U and served in the navy where he was decorated for meritorious service. Sheldon “Winky” Constantine Spears age 34 died of AIDS. Born 5 August 1951 in San Francisco, California. Graduated from Skyline High School. Employed by University of Utah. He helped found the Utah AIDS Project. He was survived by special friend Barney M. Jacobs. (11 Mar 1954 25 May 1991)

27 July 1986 Sunday
My wife and I went back over to Roberta Street to clean out the basement. I really hate that house and the feelings there. It was over priced, under insulated, and the last place on earth I had my dogs. It was also the place where the first branch of the RCJC Church was organized; it was where I made love to Russ Lane, and where I discovered my true identity.

We didn't make it to the Restoration Church today so we went to the five o'clock meeting of the Metropolitan Community Church. I know most of the people there now and am feeling more comfortable attending even though I won't take communion there. The high protestant ceremony makes me realize all the more the need for a Sacrament meeting for Gays with an LDS background.

This is MCC's last meeting in the Unitarian Church. In August they will be moving into their new building on 6th east. Mike A. was at church and he asked my wife and I for a ride down to the Crossroads Urban Center for Affirmation. Outside of the church I encountered Jon B. who had just returned from Oregon. It was really good to see him again. I really missed him.

My wife didn't want to attend Affirmation so after dropping her off at the apartment I went on with Jon and Mike. Tonight's meeting was a business meeting and we voted on moving to the Unitarian Church since MCC was vacating it. The rent is $50 a month to be there but $84 was committed by just the few that were at the meeting. It was a good meeting and Russ Lane got a lot of positive strokes for his leadership which he does deserve.

I sat with Marc L. and Jon B. through the entire meeting and afterwards was surprised to see my wife outside waiting for us. We were all visiting, and eventually Billy, the beautiful boy on the bike in the park came and joined us. I invited Jon, and Marc L. home for dinner and my wife turns to Billy and asked him if he wanted to come too. He seemed eager to join us so much so that I felt guilty not asking him in the first place but it was my own insecurities that kept me from asking. Certainly anyone that good looking wouldn't want to be with me.

It was a late meal and my first dinner party in my new place. It was good to have people over visiting and have a great time except Marc and Billy seemed to have some tension. I think Marc had done something silly like goose him once at an Affirmation meeting and Billy didn't appreciate it.

My wife is starting her new job tomorrow so Jon and Mark left about eleven-thirty and my wife went to bed at midnight. Billy B. said he needed someone to talk to so we ended up talking until three-thirty a.m. He needs to talk some things out and I need to get to know him. He seems so repressed and stressed out but he will be okay. I tried to give him some wiser and older big brother advice and I gave him a massage to loosen up his tense body. He ended up falling to sleep on the floor beside the couch and I fell asleep on the couch gazing at this golden boy as I drifted off to sleep. I wanted to him to take the couch but he wouldn't.
• Additional Material- "Sledgehammer" by Peter Gabriel is number one song on national charts
• Mark Fisher age 33 died of AIDS .

28 July 1986 Monday
I am so tired after being up so late with Billy. I threw myself into the shower hoping to wake up. My wife got off to work okay I suppose. I didn't hear her leave. Billy left when I finished my shower.

I dragged my butt all day at work and only because of what they did to Russ Lane today did I not remain comatose. Bob E. brought Russ down from customer service and put him in recording. Not only was it kind of a demotion, I think Bob put him there so Gena would fire him. However Gena who likes my butt assured me that she wants Russ to succeed because as she says, Russ is her ticket out of recording. This really is Russ' last chance at Utah Title and I bet anything Ed Rogers the co-owner knew who attended his company picnic and who did not. I hope Russ has the sense to dig in and make something of this opportunity.

At lunch I came home and took a nap. That helped some.

My wife came up to work after she got off at 6 p.m. and said she likes everyone where she works and thinks its going to be good for her. That's wonderful.

We went over to my place and I fixed her some dinner and at seven she and I left the apartment. I went to the LGSU barbecue at Liberty Park, not to eat but to socialize while my wife said she wanted to go back to Roberta Street to get some stuff done there. I have no idea what is left to do.

At Liberty Park I talked with Scott M. mostly about Utah Title. He works in the home loan department for American Savings and Loans and he said that Canyon A. and Steve B. had given him such a hard time over some title search that Scott won't give Utah Title any of his business. This is useful information.

I saw Marc L. at the park and he and I were the only ones not really connected with LGSU. There were a lot of new young guys that I didn't know but we played volleyball for a while and had fun but not as much as usual. The new guys were either standoffish or shy. I was still tired from staying up too late last night so Marc and I left before the party was over.

We walked up 6th East to 4th South where I sat with Marc until his bus came. I told Marc I feel like I am involved with six people. My wife is my best friend, Marc L. is my sounding board, Jon B. is my emotional support, I am connected to Russ Lane spiritually, Mike A. flirtatiously, and John H. sexually. All of these people are meeting a need of mine right now and I hope I am meeting some of theirs.

29 July 1986 Tuesday
Troy N. came over to the apartment today for lunch. We are becoming friends. He asked me if I was a "screamer”, his funny way of saying Gay. I said yes, is that a problem? He said that's cool but I'm not. I told him he was too dorky to be Gay. Anyway after work went straight home to bed and finally got some rest. I have no idea where my wife is spending her nights. There's no furniture anymore at Roberta Street.

30 July 1986 Wednesday
This morning Bob E. cornered me and asked if Associated Title had offered me a job yet. I was real evasive and answered all his questions with a question. However I did say while I was happy at Utah Title that shouldn't preclude me from exploring what opportunities are out there. He didn't know what to think and I think I handled him very well. So he's heard from someone that Associated Title wants to talk to me. It’s the first I heard of it.

After Bob left I went To Ed Rodgers office and told him how I am trying to bring business to the company through connections I have with Jim P. and Scott M.. Ed was very enthusiastic and said to call the marketing people and tell them to take Jim and Scott out to lunch. I also mentioned that sending a couple boxes of chocolates to their offices would let them know we appreciate their business and Ed jumped on that idea and said let's do it. Well I made a hit with Ed Rodgers which I need to do since the office gossip is going wild about me being Gay and leaving my wife. I need to insulate myself from being an easy target so if anyone says that the Gays in the office are driving away business I can respond that it was the straights that did that and it was the Gays who brought it back.

Troy H., one of the copy boys, just loves my butt. He's always finding a way to visit with me. Anyone who is intelligent like Marcelle B., the teenage girl I worked with at the University of California at Irvine likes me. I give them things to think about and encourage them to be different.

Russ is driving me nuts at work. I'm so irritated with him but still he manages to arouse me. Sometimes when he's talking to me and I look at him, I start to get a hard on. What is there still about Russ that he can do that to me? Later Russ came and wanted to tell me about his latest boyfriend. He said he's been dating this guy named Barton. I wanted to say that one fuck does not a relationship make but I bit my tongue.

I left work at 5 p.m. and Jon B. gave me a ride to Roberta Street to help my wife remove her remaining possessions over to the storage unit before it closed at seven. Lionel and Linda S., parents of Tony, were there and had cleaned the carpet well with a rental machine. They came through for my wife but I think they would like to kill me.

There really wasn't anything for me to do so I said tomorrow I will mop floors and other last minute cleaning and then we will be through. Jon took me back to my place and stayed while I fixed him some dinner. We talked about old loves and I told him about John F. C. my first love and first heart break for most of the evening. When he left I did manage to get a hold of John H. and confirmed our date for this coming Saturday. Russ made me horny.• Additional Material- AIDS IS NOW MAJOR EPIDEMIC IN UATH DR. KRISTEN RIES INFORMS 52 ROTARY CLUB AIDS is indeed a major epidemic in Utah said a physician who had a patient die Saturday (Sheldon Spears), only to diagnose a new case Monday. Dr. Kristen Ries an infectious disease specialist told members of the Rotary Club of Salt Lake that 40 cases reported in Utah represent only a fraction of potential cases. About 400 Utahns have been found to have AIDS anti-bodies but they are only carriers and display no symptoms. State Epidemiologist Craig Nichols estimated there are at least 2,000 more who have no reason to suspect they have AIDS but who are also infected. Dr. Ries estimated thirty per cent of those who have been infected will never become ill but can still spread the disease to others. Beyond the 40 identified patients are the many more AIDS patients who have come home for care after being diagnosed elsewhere she explained that care in these cases is treatment for illness which healthy people could fight but AIDS patients cannot survive. Kaposa Sarcoma is a cancerous condition of the blood vessels which causes purple spots on the skin. This is an epidemic which is not going away she added urging that members of the community learn to avoid the kinds of contact which can lead to transmission. “All the patients I have seen are people who never thought they were going to get it,” she said. Among them are two Utah women who are carrying the anti-bodies but who don’t have AIDS. Both are married to bisexual men but did not know the men were bisexual