August 1986

1 July 1986 Tuesday
My wife and I had decided that its time to move on. I paid for a month rent so she could take her time for the move. We are just both heartsick but its the only thing that can be done. I cannot go back to the way things were. I realize more then ever that while I love my wife I am not in love with her and never really was but just all pretend because it was easier. She says she wants me just to have a boyfriend on the side and stay with her but I cannot in good conscience do that and to tell the truth her high dramas and mood swings have just about wore me out.

2 July 1986 Wednesday
My wife took the cats down to the Humane Society, and had them all put to sleep. She didn't consult me but said she felt it was the right thing to do. She had her friend Shannon help her with it. Now all our babies are gone. I am sad about it but not as devastated as I was with Sam and Toby for whom I am still grieving. Jack, Killer, and Baby were stray kittens that my wife rescued in California and brought with her to Utah last August. Killer was beside himself after the dogs were gone, hiding in the closet shelves just crying and Jack was so infested with fleas even after all the dipping that putting him to sleep was surely putting himself out of his misery.

I worked until almost seven and then walked home to Roberta Street. It was nearly 8 pm when my wife and Shannon came home. We visited for a while then my wife started packing things away. The house is so still. Its hard to imagine that for the first time in ten years there are no animals to feed and care for.

3 July 1986 Thursday
I came home early because the computers went down at work and it was a crazy day. It was fun there goofing around with Troy and Trent H., the teenage copy boys. They are neat kids.

At home my wife said she was going to Levan for the 4th of July holiday. So I guess I will be "batching" it for the 3 day holiday weekend.

I went to the grocery store before she left with the car because I was having John H. over for dinner this Saturday. I bought ingredients to make quiche, a spinach salad, a fruit plate and cheesecake and only spent $20 on it all including the wine coolers.

Had to be cheap because my wife informed me before taking off that we are broke until next payday. Just great! When I was doing the bills last year, we paid off our credit cards, and stayed out of debt and now I don't know what is going on. Well I do to. She is spending money on credit and treating her friends to lunches. It would be okay if she was working but she's not.

I went for a walk after my wife left to walk off some frustration. I went to 8th South and 9th East over to see Lynn F. my friend from work. She and her friend Joe were home and I could smell that they had been smoking dope. We visited and listened to some mellow Celtic music.

I hear in the news that back east in New York City they are having a blow out bash to rededicate the Statue of Liberty. I could care less right now about America's self indulgence and back patting. It was after midnight before going to bed in an empty house. The house is so quiet. I will be glad to be out of here.

4 July 1986 Friday
In the afternoon I walked to Liberty Park were the Salt lake German community was having a Polka Folk Fest. That was fun to see all the cute boys in lederhosen.

In the evening Jon B. and Lon Wright invited to go with them the U of U to watch the fireworks from the hillside by the Medical Center. The Triangle Magazine was sponsoring a community get together. I brought a quilt to lie on and I am glad I did because it turned downright cold up there. It was about 60 degrees but since it was windy it was damn chilly.

There was a good turn out of Gays. About 20 people I suppose. There were Lon, Jon, Alma Smith, his friend Stephen Bausterd, and I all huddled beneath my quilt trying to keep warm. I was only dressed in shorts because who would have thought the 4th of July would be so cold? Certainly not I.

Meet this kid named Walter Larabee who I had seen a few times at Affirmation. He was wearing a naval commodore hat with huge ostrich plume. He was so campy and funny. I just love being around Gay people.

While the fireworks were impressive they were not worth the two and a half hour wait in a traffic jam to get down from the U. I however did not wait that long, because after 15 minutes of sitting in Jon's van immobilized, I said "Hold the phone! I'm taking a hike!" and I walked home.

I even got home faster then Lon and Jon did, who stopped by to see if I made it okay. Jon had with him his friend Carolyn who he picked up along the way. I finally got to meet her. Jon raves about her so much. She seemed nice. While it was kind of a slow day for me it certainly was a fun evening.
• Additional Material-4 July weekend 1986- Women On Wheels sponsored three days of camping in the Uintahs surrounded by sun, trees, mountain air, laughter and of course women. About 25 Lesbians participated.

5 July 1986 Saturday
So much preparation and expectation for such a little emotional return. After sleeping in Jon B. dropped by the house and we visited about the Sunstone issues I have been reading lately about the LDS Church changing the temple endowment ceremonies, the altering of the Book of Mormon, and their abandonment of Joseph Smith's teachings on anti-monogamy, anti-capitalism, and the church's now embarrassing super patriotism.

We had a good visit and he told me about his trailer park prophet LeBaron which I suspect has as much business calling himself a prophet as Ezra Taft or Tony Feliz does. Oh yeah they have these existential "keys" to heaven. Oh Brother. I just don't get Jon's blind faith is this LaBaron guy because he holds some sort of line of authority.

After Jon left I began working on dinner for John H. and then cleaning up. I baked two clam quiches, made a fruit salad, a spinach salad with bacon dressing, and a chocolate cheesecake. I had even bought his favorite liquor, Red Label Scotch. I just wanted things to be perfect and romantic. Dinner wasn't until eight p.m. but by six I was already getting so antsy in anticipation.

John walked over form his place near Liberty Park and said he had no trouble finding it. We visited, smooched some, and then had dinner. Then right after eating he says to me that he hated to eat and run but he had a friend flying in from Dallas whom he had to pick up at the airport by ten. I extremely disappointed but wouldn't let on so at nine-thirty we left the house and I walked him home.

Not wishing to go back home and see the ruins of my dinner dishes and misplaced dreams, I walked over to 8th East and 8th South to visit with Lon Wright and share my woes. However I saw that Jon B.'s was there by his vehicle being in the driveway, and since no lights were on I didn't want to intrude, so I walked back home through the park and went to bed. Alone.

I hate this house. Well what did I expect? I just wanted him to come over for dinner and to visit some and we did that...but I guess I was hoping he would show me some gratitude in a most horizontal way.
• Additional Material The Statue of Liberty is reopened to the public after an extensive refurbishing.
• "There'll Be Sad Songs (To Make You Cry)" by Billy Ocean is number one song on national charts

6 July 1986 Sunday
I didn't go to church today but did make it to Affirmation. Russ Lane shared with the group all the big to do about the National Affirmation Conference in San Francisco and Gay Pride Parade. Russ said that a Mormon poet spoke at the conference about a book she wrote about her husband who died of AIDS. That should shake up a few people up. Russ was all animated; kissy and huggy in his natural habitat.

I just sat with Marc L. as Alice Foxx, Jon B., Mike H., and Walt Larabee who kept making fun of Russ. I tried not to laugh but he's so funny. The sitting parlor room at the Crossroads Urban Center is way too small for Affirmation now but I hate to see us leave it. The room forces an intimacy upon the group that a larger room wouldn't.

Jon B. said that the gang from Southern California are coming up next weekend and that LaMar Hamilton basically has dropped out of any leadership position in the church due to Tony's increasing revelations on how he is to be the Prophet Seer and Revelator and supported by members of the church. All I see is Tony surrounded him self with the young pretty boys and placing them in leadership positions.

My wife called me saying she's staying in Levan an extra day so I am on my own getting to work tomorrow.

7 July 1989 Monday
Another unseasonably cool day. In the afternoon we had a quick summer storm roll across the valley cooling things off even more. I left the house at eight-thirty to catch a bus to work at Utah Title but I was dragging butt all day. It was a good thing we were not busy.

During my lunch hour I went looking at apartments within walking distance of work and a grocery store. I looked at the Bel Aire and they had a two bedroom apartment, utilities paid for $350. It was real nice but not sure I could afford it. I am only looking at apartments where the heat is paid because our heating bill from last winter damn near did us under.

I asked Jon B. if he wanted to attend LGSU tonight but he didn't so I walked on home after work. On the way I saw Beauchaine and his friend Todd in Liberty Park. They invited me to go with them to dinner but I declined saying I had to get home.

When I got there discovered that my wife still wasn't home. So I just did the dishes from this weekend, and made some phone calls. I called John H. but he wasn't home, so I called Sister Howard to see if Mike was home and he wasn't either.

I then decided to call Bob McIntier because I do need to make a point to call him once a week to fulfill my obligations as the church's Bishop Agent. We need to get back to the same feeling and spirit we had last May. I need to soften my heart and start allowing myself to be vulnerable again, even if the old magic does not some back again.

Strange I thought I heard Killer meowing as I am writing this. How I miss my babies. I miss my wife. I heard again that sad Patty LeBelle's song "On My Own" and I started to weep. My wife is my best friend. But I don't know how to make this work and good for the both of us. I do love her as a friend, but I am Gay and I can no longer deny that part of me. It has bubbled to the surface and I could no more contain it then putting the fizz back into an opened soda pop can.

I don't know how to help my wife understand this deep rooted part of my being and how I must express it or die emotionally, spiritually, and perhaps even physically. I am not choosing to stop being in love with my wife for I do not believe I truly ever was. Comfortable with her yes. Tender with her yes. Caring for her yes. Erotically desirous of her. No. Not ever.

Yes I could go through the motions of making love, but it was always just a motion and a release. Her breasts, her vagina, were mostly nothing to me. I would see other men's eyes gazing at her large breast as we would walk in public, and wonder what they desired that I never did?

Once I walked in on my wife and Fortino, a Mexican cook we worked with, kissing. I was a little hurt but never jealous. My wife deserves having someone jealously in love with her. If I could I would have had no one else but my wife and she is the only woman I have ever had sex with and that was on my wedding night; but she and I both need romantic love too and it makes me so sad that I can't be all things to all people. But I can't. I hate this house.

8 July 1989 Tuesday
I know that it’s insane but I am taking an apartment at the Juel Apartment, where Russ Lane lives. However, disregarding the fact that Russ lives there, its on 6th East just across from Utah Title's parking lot, its only $200 a month, steam heat is included, and its convenient to Safeway on 9th East and Smith's on 7th East.

I walked all over looking at apartments during lunch again and then I just felt prompted to go during my afternoon break to talk to the managers of the Juel Apartments. They had a vacancy come open in the basement and said I could have it for a $50 deposit. It's a small one bedroom basement apartment but just up the hall from the building's laundry room! Russ Lane lives on the 2nd floor at the front of the building so it’s not like we are going to be crossing paths.

I like the feel of the place. The walls are painted beige, the carpet in coco brown and it just feels warm and cozy. But more then anything else I can afford it and save some money too. So why should I care if Russ Lane lives in the same building and we are sharing the same address again?

In the evening my wife and I went to a Gay A.A. meeting on 1st South and 3rd East. A.A. is really different from O.A. but principles over personalities as they say. I do like O.A. better but since there's not a Gay one, given time, I should like A.A. also. It was a beautiful summer day, not too cool.
• Additional Material David Nelson introduced Human Rights Bill to the Salt Lake City Council that would prohibit discrimination based on sexual orientation.. City attorney Roger Cutler expressed opposition to the bill labeling it a “Gay rights” initiative.

9 July 1986 Wednesday
At work, Canyon A., a Title Loan Officer, came to me with a proposition. His father and he are considering buying out McGhie Title Company and he offered me the job of officer manager, the same job Bob E. holds here. I told him I would think about it but it would be sometime in the future. Still it was appreciated that Canyon thinks so highly of me. Canyon has an identical twin brother. Guess what his name is? Bryce! Only in Utah.

Canyon also told me that Bob is extremely disappointed in Russ' job performance and even if he didn't say so, of Russ' flaming around the office at times. Russ, Russ, Russ. I may love you but others don't. Get your act together at work!

I put down my holding deposit on Apartment Number 3 at the Juel.

At home Marc L. came over to show off his act he’s performing at Backstreet this Saturday and at Pride Day. He has a good singing voice and does campy drag.

After belting out some show tunes, my wife, Marc, and I decided to go to Bob McIntier's from Family Home Evening. I haven't in weeks and it was okay. Besides us only Ric B. and Morgan S. showed up. We played some board games and visited. Nothing too dynamic. Marc was bored and kept yawning embarrassingly all through the evening; I think more to show Bob what he thought about the little get together.

10 July 1986 Thursday
It’s been forty days since I began a spiritual introspective retreat and now that it’s over I wonder what the point is? So much has changed in my life during the past forty days. Above all my furry babies have been sent back to heaven from whence they came and I am in the process of a separation from my wife. I have found a new place to live and I feel emotionally good at this stage of my life.

I went to First American Credit Union to try and get a consolidation loan of $4000 to pay off debt incurred recently by my wife. I pray I get it or its going to get rough financially.

Today was the copy boys, Troy and Trent H.'s 17th birthday. Trent had the day off but poor Troy had to work so I bought him a hot fudge sundae for his birthday. He's such a cute little shit, kind of reminds me of my nephew James. I love is youthful cockiness and bantering.

It’s been a beautiful summer day, not too hot or extreme. My wife is still working at Taylor Maid doing acyclic nails but may be working at the new ZCMI Mall in Sandy in August. She really doesn't want to drive that far and is struggling what to do with her life. She checked into going back to school at the U of U to get her Masters in Sociology but I think everything is pretty much up in the air.

I have been moving clothes, books, and small boxes over to the Juel. It’s beginning to freak my wife out that this is really happening. I haven't heard from John H. all week. I think that sweet fling is over and he's moved on. Can't blame him for not wanting to get involved with me with all the baggage I am carrying right now.

11 July 1986 Friday
Today Utah Title had its annual company picnic up at Solitude in Big Cottonwood Canyon. I went with Jon B., and my wife. Still can't figure out why Russ Lane didn't want to go when there was a free meal involved.

It was a nice gathering ad it's the fist time I've eating red meat in about three weeks. Not missing much. The meadows, aspens, and wild flowers were just spectacular. The mountains were absolutely gorgeous and it was pleasant getting out of the valley heat.

My wife and I saw Steve and Meg M. there with their kids. Steve was hired as a company lawyer on my recommendation. We didn't visit with them much and in fact Meg was rather giving us the cold shoulder as she and Steve were involved with the big wigs. It made my wife angry and she decided to write her off as she did her friend Paulette years ago.

The three of us found a table with Peter F. and Bob J., who is Carol Kessler's brother. I am sure that they are Gay and probably lovers. Debbie J. from sales also joined our table and we all got pretty wild and created a ruckus I suppose.

Dinner was catered by Red Flame and it was all pretty yummy. We stayed until twilight about 9 p.m. then walked about a half mile down to where the cars were parked. Debbie wanted my wife, Jon, and I to continue the party over at her place but we were way too tired and wanted to call it a day.

12 July 1986 Saturday
Pamela Calkins, Lynn L., Michelle H. and Janice, Mark Bluto, John Crane, David Ewing, Eddie M., and Tony Feliz all came in today from Southern California for Summer Conference and to meet with the Salt Lake City branch of the church. About half stayed with my wife and I and the other half with Bob McIntier in west Salt Lake City. I spent much of the day cleaning house, making beds, and making some cookies to sell at Pride Day tomorrow for Affirmation
• Additional material-"Holding Back The Years" by Simply Red is number one song on national charts

13 July 1986 Sunday
Mark Bluto, Michelle H. and Janice were up early to be over at Bob's for an endowment session. So I got up with them and fixed them some breakfast but went back to bed until seven-thirty.

Jon B. called at eight to ask where the Sacrament Meeting was going to be held. He was in Centerville, babysitting his brother's house. I told him that it was at nine a.m. at Bob's house but that it might be a little late because of the early morning endowment sessions. He said he probably couldn't make it for that so I asked if he would swing by and take me to the Pride festival at Pioneer Park. He wasn't sure if he even was going to make that but Mark Bluto and the girls were back at the house by ten-thirty and they said they would take me.

I brought with me about thirty giant cookies I called "Whole Wheat Mormon Faggot Cookies" which I was selling at fifty cents a piece. I made $12 for affirmation after two cookies were stolen by Mexicans, and I had given away four more. It turned out that I was the only one to have brought anything for the Affirmation Booth's Bake Sale.

Russ Lane was already at the park by the time I arrived and he was in a tizzy because Affirmation's booth was in the direct sun without any cover. So I said lets just move it to where you want it so we did, beneath a shade tree.

There were suppose to police at the park during the fair but I didn't see any. I did see two Mexicans steal cookies from me, an Indian chasing some other Indian with a knife, which Beauchaine intervened by taking the knife away so no one was seriously bothered. All in all the transients kept to their side of the park and the faggots kept to our side of the park.

Jon B. showed up after all just after Marc L. came dressed as Alice Foxx. When he saw me, this six foot three inch, former Marine slash drag queen comes running at me and just scooped me up into his arms. That was the most excitement I had all day!

Later I asked Jon if he would run me home because no one thought to provide folding chairs and I didn't want to stand all afternoon. He complied and I brought back chairs and paper weights to hold down our pamphlets that were blowing in the wind.

As we were leaving I spotted a car driving around the park with a photographer leaning out of the car taking pictures. We drove up next to them and yelled what the hell are you doing? And they sped off but not without us getting their car plate numbers. We are going to give them to Willy Marshall, who works as a dispatcher, to trace.

It was kind of a fun day with nearly 200 people showing. I recognized more people then I thought I would. The Libertarians had a booth with Bob Waldrop, Beauchaine had his food concession, Duane Dawson had set up for the Utah AIDS Project, Bob McIntier was holding down the Restoration Church Booth, Bruce Barton and Bruce Harmon were at RMCC's table. There were some others but I didn't recognize what their organizations were. I talked with Mike A. who I had met at Affirmation who is dating Duane Dawson. He's really cute and friendly. I wonder how long he's been with Duane. I sat at the Affirmation booth for most of the afternoon while Russ Lane proselytized. However when the Saliva Sisters, sponsored by Joe Redburn, performed I went to the makeshift stage to see them better. They were great! I laid out on a blanket with Eddie M. and Mike H. listening to the campy girl group. A girl name Melanie, staff the booth with me, until three when she had to leave and then Russ Lane came and joined me.

It was hot in the park and at one point I left with Lon Wright and Jon B. to go get some drinks. I bought Russ a soda and some California coolers for me which I poured into my bota bag. I guess after a bit I was getting pretty smashed having not eaten anything but a Faggot Cookie since morning. I asked Russ if he wanted a drink from my bota bag after he had finished his and he assumed that it was water in my bag. I on my part assumed that he knew that I had been pouring coolers into my bota bag but evidently he didn't and after the first mouthful he spit the wine out, and made such a fuss. I almost wanted to burst out laughing. What a wimp. Anyway I said I was sorry and thought he knew since I had told everyone else what was in the bag. Maybe if he would have paid me more attention he would have known also.

Anyhow Marc L. and finally some other church members came to relieve Bob McIntier from his post at the RCJC booth. He had let it go to pot I think because he was upset that he was not included in all the revelatory digs going on at his house. Now perhaps he knows how the rest of us feel when the "Lord" is so exclusive on who is allowed into the inner sanctum circle.

By late afternoon I was pretty smash and when the shindig was all over Jon B. took my drunken butt home. Lon Wright had left the party early in a huff mad at Jon for not giving him enough attention. My first Pride day.
• Additional Material: The Saliva Sisters are a campy novelty act parodying the Utah culture. Joe Redburn owner of the Sun Club gave them their first break booking them in his club and they in turn have been loyal to their Gay appreciative audience. 1986 was the first of many appearances at Gay Pride Day in Utah.
• Gay Pride Day at Pioneer Park with Salt Lake Men’s Choir, Walt Larabee’s New Orleans’ Waylon and Madame performing. The event was sponsored by Cabaret Corp. Chair of Pride Day ‘86 was Beauchaine. Approximately 200 people attended Gay Pride Day at Pioneer Park. The Saliva Sisters were the head line act, their fee donated by Joe Redburn. Other performers were Julliard pianist Steve Oldroyd, entertainer Walt Larabee, singers Darrel Rojoit, and Ron Richardson. Joe Redburn spoke out about his troubles with the Salt Lake Police as selective enforcement, the unfair legal harassment of Gay people by the SL police Groups sponsoring booths were the Restoration Church, AIDS Project Utah, Affirmation, RMCC, the Triangle Magazine. Richard “Ragnar” McCall, 27 year old local artist sold artwork. Run ins with transients resulted in a Gay man bringing charges against an intruder for threatening him with a knife. Richard McCall died 3 Oct 1994 age thirty-five in Salt Lake City of AIDS

14 July 1986 Monday
I got up at five-thirty a.m. to see Mark Bluto and the girls off. I don't feel well today maybe too much sun yesterday.

I came home early from work to rest before going over to Liberty Park for LGSU's summer activity. There were about 15 guys there and we met at the volleyball nets north of the Park toilets. I saw Mike A. there again and he's so clever and smart mouthed, but in a sophisticated Noel Coward kind of way. I like him a lot. Saw Lyle Bradley., Jim Hunsaker, Graham Bell, and others from LGSU playing volleyball when Duane Dawson who had a convertible had a bunch of pile in and he took us on a "Cruise the Park" Seminar. It was fun just being silly and probably a tad bit obnoxious. I guess Duane is a registered nurse and involved in the AIDS prevention community.
• Additional Material- Eric S. Berger died age 24 of AIDS. Born 5 February 1962 Salt Lake City. He loved music, philosophy, tennis, karate. He wrote and composed many beautiful songs. Was a volunteer for Utahns Against Hunger.

15 July 1986 Tuesday
I felt a little better today then yesterday but still feeling rather run down. Hope it's not a summer old. They are the worse. If not for the herbs and vitamins I am choking down I probably wouldn't be able to function at all.

I worked nearly 12 hours today because I had to be at a Dynacomp meeting at 8:00 a.m. to which I was late but did make it and I was in the office until nearly eight at night. The bad news at work is that Robin G. maybe coming back. I told Bob E. that Robin's coming back would be a mistake.

After work I walked over to St. Marks Church on 1st South and 2nd East for a Gay A.A. meeting and I was exhausted. I sat between two guys who puffed cigarette smoke like industrial pollution and that pissed me off. Principles over personalities.

A man at the meeting pitched that he had been diagnosed yesterday with AIDS and the doctors said that he would be dead within 6 months. This is the first time I have ever met someone who actually has the disease and not just someone testing positive for HIV. It didn't freak me out being in the same room with him but he did make me think about the mortality of life. Putting Toby and Sam to sleep sapped a lot of my vitality from my soul.

When I finally got home around nine-thirty I told my wife that I'm making her the beneficiary of my estate and that I want to be cremated and my ashes spread somewhere where they might mingle with Sam and Toby.

I don't know what is happening with my wife anymore. She has shut down towards me. I don't know if she will stay with me for a little while in the new place or strike out on her own. Ah that is the question. How to live alone again after nine years of being together. I think that it would be so much easier for us to make this break if my wife and I could work up some hate for each other but we don't. We love each other.
• Additional Material-Alan Jense Lovell died at the age of 36 of AIDS. He was born 16 April 1950 in American Fork

16 July 1986 Wednesday
I am still feeling drugged out but better. Well I guess Robyn G. is definitely coming back to Utah Title and because I am powerless over people places and things I better learn to accept, turn my attitude around, and try to love Shauna M. and her, the screeching harpies. I will pray for them.

I went over to the Juel Apartment with my wife this evening to show her the place. She is still up in the air over what she will be doing. She's talking about getting a job working on pumping the Great Salt Lake into the west desert at $1000. I sometimes wonder if my wife is not delusional. What a pipe dream. She is 41 years old, has a bad heel, is out of shape, and can't stand the heat. What she needs to do is find steady employment that simply pays more then $400 a month.

Found out today that I was turned down by America First Credit Union for a consolidation loan because of bad credit and having filed bankruptcy back in 1980. Well I can't change that.

My tongue is so swollen. That is how I can that I am sick. There are a lot of colds and a type of flu going around.
• Additional Material- Nineteen bicyclists rode into Salt Lake City as part of “Cycle For Life” an AIDS fund raising group. They were met by only a handful of reporters and the two state officials they’d asked top met with, Governor Norm Bangerter and Mayor Palmer de Paulis said they were busy elsewhere. The group of bicyclists are traveling the country in search of funds to help people with AIDS

17 July 1986 Thursday
When I went into work today, I first stopped and bought donuts for the recording and customer service departments. I miss Russ being where I can visit with him through out the day but life goes on.

At home watched some reruns on television before bringing some more kitchen items over to the Juel Apartments. The lights aren't turned on yet so after setting boxes down, I just sat on the floor in the darkness and cried. It seems so empty here. I miss Toby and Sam so much my heart just aches when ever I think about them. It’s almost unbearable. Also how am I going to live without my friend and companion, my wife?

I drove back to Roberta Street and found my wife and we laid in each others arms and wept. We sobbed for each other and for our lost furry babies. This is so very hard. I just want to hold them in my arms again.
• Additional material- Cory De Young claimed that Sun Club Owner, Joe Redburn, knew of the drug dealing by his employees at a meeting before the department of business regulations, The Salt Lake City Police department was seeking to revoke the Sun’s business license. The hearing was postponed indefinitely after city prosecutor Art Keesler suffered a heart attack.
• CROSS COUNTRY CYCLISTS VISIT SL TO RAISE CASH FOR AIDS VICTIMS (SLTribune B3-1)

18 July 1986 Friday
This morning was the first time my wife and I have been cross with each other during this transition. I think we fought because we are anxious about the unknown future.

It still is not wonderful at work either. Bob E. hired a new guy named Troy N. who seems okay if kind of rough around the edges. He's young, 22 or 23 tops! Bob had me train him on the computers and he's all cocky and stuff but I kind of like him.

At lunch I saw Lon Wright waiting for Jon B. in the lobby and we said hi. I don't see things working out between the two of them because Lon is so possessive of Jon and in the Gay, I think, that is the kiss of death for a relationship. Lon is just a slip of a guy, 5' 6' if that tall. Scrawny, balding, but has a killer full mustache.

I haven't heard a word from John H. since I had him over for dinner and I guess deep down I don't really expect to hear from him anymore.

After work Jon B. came over to see the apartment and we visited about his relationship with Lon before my wife came to pick me up. Jon said he's burning out working in customer service but thinks Russ is actually doing better.

I went home with my wife and we watched an episode of the Twilight Zone which was an excellent episode about redeeming people from hell. I need someone to rescue me.

Afterwards my wife wanted to get out of the house so we escaped to the movies. We went to the Sandcastle in Bountiful and saw "Back to School" featuring Rodney Dangerfield. It was really cute and coincidently Alma Smith was at the movies with some Lesbian friends of his, Candace Steel, Nancy, and Shirley. My wife sat with them I sat with Alma. It was fun and cozy.

Afterwards while visiting in the parking lot my wife discussed with the lesbians some feminist books she's been reading, like "Smart Women, Dumb Choices", and "Women Who Love Too Much." It was a fun evening I think for all of us.

I heard from Jon B. that MCC is leaving the First Unitarian Church on 13th East to move into their new church building on 6th East just up the street from Liberty Park.

Yesterday Russ Lane said that Affirmation is definitely leaving Crossroads Urban Center and may be meeting at Beauchaine's cabaret and Gingerbread House for the rest of the month and August too.

19 July 1986 Saturday
My wife had to work this morning so I went to Liberty Park to lie out in the sun for two hours. It felt good.

I then walked up to work on 4th South to put in a couple of hours worth of overtime.

This evening Tony S. came with his pick up truck to help me move my twin bed, couch and loveseat, my dining room table and chairs, and the coffee and end tables. I would have had to rent a truck without Tony's help. We got all the big items in two trips. If Tony hadn't been here to help, I don't know what I'd have done. I take back all the mean things I ever said about him.

At the Juel Apartments, my place had all this old granny furniture in it and I asked the managers to have it all removed except for chest of drawers and old wooden stand they use to call a commode because a water basin was kept on the top and a chamber pot on the bottom. Otherwise all the furniture is mine. I bought it from Leavitz on credit last March.

My wife is keeping the washer and dryer, all the bedroom furniture, the oak rocker, and the knickknack stands. She really didn't want anything else. She is looking after Shannon's bird while she is on vacation so she won't be completely alone in the house.

We slept together for probably the last time in the house on Roberta street. My wife acts like she is coping but I know this is killing her because it isn't easy on me either, the one that is leaving. It feels like when we had to put Toby and Sam down. I just go through the motions to get through it without experiencing any feelings or emotions until later.
• Additional Material-TEACHER DOUGLAS L. HOWARD ACQUITTED OF LEWDNESS (SLTribune B12-5)
• "Invisible Touch" by Genesis is number one song on national charts.

20 July 1986 Sunday
All morning kept going back and forth between Roberta Street and 6th East bringing boxes of kitchen items and clothes. Finally at 2 p.m. stopped long enough for my wife and I to go to Church at the central city community center. We had two new members attend, a lesbian couple by the names of Leanne and Carol. Others in attendance were Bob McIntier, Mike H., Cy F. from Provo, Morgan S., Ric B., Russ Lane, Marc L., my wife and me.

I was released as a Bishop Agent today supposedly by revelation that Tony Feliz received, releasing all the Bishop Agents. That was easy since Eddie M. and I were the only ones. When the revelation was read, I objected saying that it should simply be put in the church archives as an administrative decision and not received as a divine revelation that should go into the Hidden Truths and Treasures. That didn't go over well.

After Sacrament meeting, Marc L. invited my wife and I over to his apartment for dinner. Later in the evening we all went to Affirmation at the Crossroads urban Center. The topic of the meeting was on couples and relationships. Saw Mike A. there again and I think I have a crush on him but alas he is with Duane Dawson.

My wife and I spent the night in the new apartment. She slept in the twin bed and I slept on the couch.

21 July 1986 Monday
I was just dragging all day because I didn't get to sleep until well after midnight. At work I asked Bob E. for Friday off and he said okay! Great!

At home I made some corn muffins because there's not much else in the house to eat.

It's amazing that Russ Lane lives just up the stairs from me but can't be bothered to come down and see my apartment.

I walked up to Orson Spencer Hall on the U of U campus to attend LGSU in the evening. I am glad I did rather then sitting home and isolating. I saw Garth S., Scott M., Duane Dawson, and Mike A. there. It was a good meeting and Garth gave me a ride home.

Right now as I am writing in my journal it’s after ten p.m. and I'm sitting in my new apartment watching the news.

My wife decided to spend the night on Roberta Street so its our first night in separate households. Thus in such a very short time I am alone and on my own again. However I don't feel lonely because self-acceptance is essential for happiness. It's not that I don't really miss my wife but maybe its only the security of having someone you can rely on. I wish she had the apartment next door. No I don't. I don't know what I want. It’s all a muddle. My wife first day of work at the ZCMI Mall in Sandy was today.

22 July 1986 Tuesday
At work Canyon A. confided in me that there's going to be a lot of changes and that Bob E. wants to fire Russ Lane, but Canyon wants him back down in examining documents. I let Canyon know how unhappy I would be if they let Russ go without giving him a second chance. I must be nuts. Here I am still defending Russ and he could care less about me. I am starting to really like Troy N.. He's a cool dude.

23 July 1986 Wednesday
I moved more things into my apartment that my wife wanted out of the house. Heard from Jon B. that he's going to Oregon over the Pioneer Day Holiday.
• Additional Material In London, Prince Andrew, Duke of York marries Sarah Ferguson at Westminster Abbey.

24 July 1986 Thursday
I spent most of the day at Liberty Park where the Neighborhood Fair was being held.

Wanda and Tony S. came over to Roberta Street to help clean the carpets so we can get our security deposit back. Wanda wanted to go to the park to hear the music but my wife and Tony just wanted to stay at the house so I went with Wanda. There I saw Walt Larabee and Garth S. I also saw Mike H. and we hugged.

As we were walking along the main concourse through the park, this blond mop hair kid I've seen at Affirmation a few times stopped on his mountain bike when he saw me. He looked so damn sexy wearing cut off blue jeans cut nearly to his crotch. He had long muscular but lean legs and a smile that would melt butter. I was surprised that he wanted to talk to me and I was really flattered. He said that he appreciated what I say at Affirmation and he said that he had an art exhibit up at Park City coming up in August. He wanted me to come to see it but without a car, I doubt if I'll be able to make it.

When he rode off he turned back and flashed me a golden smile and I felt rather disappointed to see him ride off. He's so damn cute.

Wanda wanted to go back to the house so I walked with her to Roberta Street then came back to the park. I hooked up with Walt, Garth and Mike, and found a spot near the duck pond to watch the fireworks. As it turned out we were nearly right beneath where they were being set off and cinders and shrapnel rained back on us. Nevertheless it was beautiful and it was a pleasant night.

After the fireworks the crowd dispersed and I walked home to my apartment up 6th East. Just I barely reached the apartment it started to lightning, thunder and rain. Mike H. said the boy on the bike with the dazzling smile name is Billy.

25 July 1986 Friday
I spent much of the morning cleaning and putting things away in my new apartment. In the front room there is a large closet with glass French doors with dark wood. I hung beige lacy floor length curtains there and over the single window in the front room. Even though it’s a basement apartment, the window is about two feet above the outside ground so I get plenty of light.

That microwave and stand just barely fits in the small kitchen. But there's a window over the sink.

I had to put the dining table in a corner of the front room and the two camel back couches face each other with end tables and a coffee table in the middle. I put my television on the commode stand and placed it by the window. Its closed quarters but cozy.

I went into work for a few hours even though I had asked for the day off.

It rained a lot today and when I was done at work I went over to Roberta Street to help my wife clean. However, she must have been listening to her friends, or drinking, because she was very angry and rude and on the rag so much so that I didn't want to stay and listen to that, so consequently I walked back home.

On an impulse I stopped by John H.s and he was home. He asked me in and we visited for a little bit. We made a date for next Saturday. Let's see if he keeps it.
• Additional material- Vincente Minnelli, Hollywood musical film director, once married to Judy Garland and father of Liza Minnelli died. He is considered by critics to be the virtual father of the modern musical. (1903-1986)

26 July 1986 Saturday
Just tired even thinking about all that had to be done today at Roberta Street. I walked over there again this morning to help my wife with the cleaning and packing. The place is a mess with her not having cleaned or picked up after herself for days.

It's so overwhelming and I must say I was frustrated and discouraged. After packing boxes and taking apart beds and mattresses in the afternoon we found her a storage unit for her stuff because she hasn't decided where she's going to stay. I was hoping she would have found a place by now. What is going to happen to her? I guess it’s not my business anymore just my controlling nature but its driving me nuts. After taking care of her for nine years it’s hard not to worry.

In the evening Tony and Wanda S. showed up with the pickup and we took the washer and dryer, the bed and as much as we could over to the storage shed. It had been raining off and on all day but luckily it had stopped raining for the move.

On the way over Tony and I talked about why my wife and I were separating. I have known Tony since 1977 when he was 15 years old and my wife knew him since he was a baby. I think it was good for him to hear the reasons why even if they are hard for him to understand.

We didn't get the house cleaned and emptied until after eleven-thirty so we were all good and tired. Especially Tony since he had to work today. I must say Tony really came through for us on this one like no other.

I figured up my monthly bills today and it was so depressing. I owe over $870 a month including rent but without money for food and utilities. I barely bring home $1000 a month. My wife is going to have to help out with these bills. Because she no longer had a bed, my wife spent the night at my apartment. I slept on the couch.
• Additional Material-Sheldon Spears age 34 died of AIDS. Spears was the first person to discuss his condition publicly in Utah. He appeared on the cover of USA today, was a guest on Take Two on KUTV and gave interviews on a number of radio talk shows. He taught classes at the U of U and served in the navy where he was decorated for meritorious service. Sheldon “Winky” Constantine Spears age 34 died of AIDS. Born 5 August 1951 in San Francisco, California. Graduated from Skyline High School. Employed by University of Utah. He helped found the Utah AIDS Project. He was survived by special friend Barney M. Jacobs. (11 Mar 1954 25 May 1991)

27 July 1986 Sunday
My wife and I went back over to Roberta Street to clean out the basement. I really hate that house and the feelings there. It was over priced, under insulated, and the last place on earth I had my dogs. It was also the place where the first branch of the RCJC Church was organized; it was where I made love to Russ Lane, and where I discovered my true identity.

We didn't make it to the Restoration Church today so we went to the five o'clock meeting of the Metropolitan Community Church. I know most of the people there now and am feeling more comfortable attending even though I won't take communion there. The high protestant ceremony makes me realize all the more the need for a Sacrament meeting for Gays with an LDS background.

This is MCC's last meeting in the Unitarian Church. In August they will be moving into their new building on 6th east. Mike A. was at church and he asked my wife and I for a ride down to the Crossroads Urban Center for Affirmation. Outside of the church I encountered Jon B. who had just returned from Oregon. It was really good to see him again. I really missed him.

My wife didn't want to attend Affirmation so after dropping her off at the apartment I went on with Jon and Mike. Tonight's meeting was a business meeting and we voted on moving to the Unitarian Church since MCC was vacating it. The rent is $50 a month to be there but $84 was committed by just the few that were at the meeting. It was a good meeting and Russ Lane got a lot of positive strokes for his leadership which he does deserve.

I sat with Marc L. and Jon B. through the entire meeting and afterwards was surprised to see my wife outside waiting for us. We were all visiting, and eventually Billy, the beautiful boy on the bike in the park came and joined us. I invited Jon, and Marc L. home for dinner and my wife turns to Billy and asked him if he wanted to come too. He seemed eager to join us so much so that I felt guilty not asking him in the first place but it was my own insecurities that kept me from asking. Certainly anyone that good looking wouldn't want to be with me.

It was a late meal and my first dinner party in my new place. It was good to have people over visiting and have a great time except Marc and Billy seemed to have some tension. I think Marc had done something silly like goose him once at an Affirmation meeting and Billy didn't appreciate it.

My wife is starting her new job tomorrow so Jon and Mark left about eleven-thirty and my wife went to bed at midnight. Billy B. said he needed someone to talk to so we ended up talking until three-thirty a.m. He needs to talk some things out and I need to get to know him. He seems so repressed and stressed out but he will be okay. I tried to give him some wiser and older big brother advice and I gave him a massage to loosen up his tense body. He ended up falling to sleep on the floor beside the couch and I fell asleep on the couch gazing at this golden boy as I drifted off to sleep. I wanted to him to take the couch but he wouldn't.
• Additional Material- "Sledgehammer" by Peter Gabriel is number one song on national charts
• Mark Fisher age 33 died of AIDS .

28 July 1986 Monday
I am so tired after being up so late with Billy. I threw myself into the shower hoping to wake up. My wife got off to work okay I suppose. I didn't hear her leave. Billy left when I finished my shower.

I dragged my butt all day at work and only because of what they did to Russ Lane today did I not remain comatose. Bob E. brought Russ down from customer service and put him in recording. Not only was it kind of a demotion, I think Bob put him there so Gena would fire him. However Gena who likes my butt assured me that she wants Russ to succeed because as she says, Russ is her ticket out of recording. This really is Russ' last chance at Utah Title and I bet anything Ed Rogers the co-owner knew who attended his company picnic and who did not. I hope Russ has the sense to dig in and make something of this opportunity.

At lunch I came home and took a nap. That helped some.

My wife came up to work after she got off at 6 p.m. and said she likes everyone where she works and thinks its going to be good for her. That's wonderful.

We went over to my place and I fixed her some dinner and at seven she and I left the apartment. I went to the LGSU barbecue at Liberty Park, not to eat but to socialize while my wife said she wanted to go back to Roberta Street to get some stuff done there. I have no idea what is left to do.

At Liberty Park I talked with Scott M. mostly about Utah Title. He works in the home loan department for American Savings and Loans and he said that Canyon A. and Steve B. had given him such a hard time over some title search that Scott won't give Utah Title any of his business. This is useful information.

I saw Marc L. at the park and he and I were the only ones not really connected with LGSU. There were a lot of new young guys that I didn't know but we played volleyball for a while and had fun but not as much as usual. The new guys were either standoffish or shy. I was still tired from staying up too late last night so Marc and I left before the party was over.

We walked up 6th East to 4th South where I sat with Marc until his bus came. I told Marc I feel like I am involved with six people. My wife is my best friend, Marc L. is my sounding board, Jon B. is my emotional support, I am connected to Russ Lane spiritually, Mike A. flirtatiously, and John H. sexually. All of these people are meeting a need of mine right now and I hope I am meeting some of theirs.

29 July 1986 Tuesday
Troy N. came over to the apartment today for lunch. We are becoming friends. He asked me if I was a "screamer”, his funny way of saying Gay. I said yes, is that a problem? He said that's cool but I'm not. I told him he was too dorky to be Gay. Anyway after work went straight home to bed and finally got some rest. I have no idea where my wife is spending her nights. There's no furniture anymore at Roberta Street.

30 July 1986 Wednesday
This morning Bob E. cornered me and asked if Associated Title had offered me a job yet. I was real evasive and answered all his questions with a question. However I did say while I was happy at Utah Title that shouldn't preclude me from exploring what opportunities are out there. He didn't know what to think and I think I handled him very well. So he's heard from someone that Associated Title wants to talk to me. It’s the first I heard of it.

After Bob left I went To Ed Rodgers office and told him how I am trying to bring business to the company through connections I have with Jim P. and Scott M.. Ed was very enthusiastic and said to call the marketing people and tell them to take Jim and Scott out to lunch. I also mentioned that sending a couple boxes of chocolates to their offices would let them know we appreciate their business and Ed jumped on that idea and said let's do it. Well I made a hit with Ed Rodgers which I need to do since the office gossip is going wild about me being Gay and leaving my wife. I need to insulate myself from being an easy target so if anyone says that the Gays in the office are driving away business I can respond that it was the straights that did that and it was the Gays who brought it back.

Troy H., one of the copy boys, just loves my butt. He's always finding a way to visit with me. Anyone who is intelligent like Marcelle B., the teenage girl I worked with at the University of California at Irvine likes me. I give them things to think about and encourage them to be different.

Russ is driving me nuts at work. I'm so irritated with him but still he manages to arouse me. Sometimes when he's talking to me and I look at him, I start to get a hard on. What is there still about Russ that he can do that to me? Later Russ came and wanted to tell me about his latest boyfriend. He said he's been dating this guy named Barton. I wanted to say that one fuck does not a relationship make but I bit my tongue.

I left work at 5 p.m. and Jon B. gave me a ride to Roberta Street to help my wife remove her remaining possessions over to the storage unit before it closed at seven. Lionel and Linda S., parents of Tony, were there and had cleaned the carpet well with a rental machine. They came through for my wife but I think they would like to kill me.

There really wasn't anything for me to do so I said tomorrow I will mop floors and other last minute cleaning and then we will be through. Jon took me back to my place and stayed while I fixed him some dinner. We talked about old loves and I told him about John F. C. my first love and first heart break for most of the evening. When he left I did manage to get a hold of John H. and confirmed our date for this coming Saturday. Russ made me horny.• Additional Material- AIDS IS NOW MAJOR EPIDEMIC IN UATH DR. KRISTEN RIES INFORMS 52 ROTARY CLUB AIDS is indeed a major epidemic in Utah said a physician who had a patient die Saturday (Sheldon Spears), only to diagnose a new case Monday. Dr. Kristen Ries an infectious disease specialist told members of the Rotary Club of Salt Lake that 40 cases reported in Utah represent only a fraction of potential cases. About 400 Utahns have been found to have AIDS anti-bodies but they are only carriers and display no symptoms. State Epidemiologist Craig Nichols estimated there are at least 2,000 more who have no reason to suspect they have AIDS but who are also infected. Dr. Ries estimated thirty per cent of those who have been infected will never become ill but can still spread the disease to others. Beyond the 40 identified patients are the many more AIDS patients who have come home for care after being diagnosed elsewhere she explained that care in these cases is treatment for illness which healthy people could fight but AIDS patients cannot survive. Kaposa Sarcoma is a cancerous condition of the blood vessels which causes purple spots on the skin. This is an epidemic which is not going away she added urging that members of the community learn to avoid the kinds of contact which can lead to transmission. “All the patients I have seen are people who never thought they were going to get it,” she said. Among them are two Utah women who are carrying the anti-bodies but who don’t have AIDS. Both are married to bisexual men but did not know the men were bisexual