May 1986

1 May 1986 Thursday
Today was such a hard day for me at work and it didn't help matters at all that my wife treated me like shit this morning. I was tired and just wanted to have some time to myself to write some things for church before going into work. Well she kept interrupting my train of thought by asking me one trivial thing after another. It was irritating. I explained that I wanted to write my thoughts down and she said hatefully, "Fuck You”. I really don’t think I deserve that and I’m really getting tired of it.

The house is a complete pig sty and I refuse to clean up after Tony and my wife anymore. I refuse. I'm exhausted mentally and physically, to the breaking point. My wife only works less then ten hours a week and when I see how she lets the house get so unkempt, it really makes me understand that she really doesn't love me. You serve those who you love and I’ve cooked, cleaned and have gone to work everyday, to take care of my wife and I am wondering what am I getting back out of this? Sarcasm. “Fuck You’s”, and emotional roller coasters. One minute she’s all excited about the church and next she disparages it at every turn. Oh, and Cigarette ashes are every where since Tony got my wife back to smoking. Well, I’m tired of her excuses about not being interested in keeping the house up anymore. I’m not going to live like this anymore. It’s too psychologically depressing. If my wife wants to dwell in the past, and stay in a Church that has done nothing but despise her for not being able to be a baby machine, then fine for her, but I've made my break with that Church and I say good riddance to all that Old Testament rubbish.

I wonder if my wife and I are just putting off the inevitable, divorce. Even with all her protesting that she loves me, I don't believe that she even likes me as I'm be­coming. And if she loves me why doesn't she take care of me? I do not require much maintenance. If I'm not fulfilling her emotional needs anymore, let alone sexual needs since we've stopped having sex over a year a go, than perhaps she needs to find someone who will give her what she needs. I can't any longer.

I know I will not go back to the LDS Church, and that is at the root of all our fights probably even more than my being Gay. It really frightens her that I can give up something so easily, something which I was devoted to and had loved for long and even desperately for 15 years. Well when its over it’s over. The Mormons tapped that well dry and I am just dry bones in the Mormon church.

My wife is also angry that I am leaving this weekend to go to California to have my temple initiatory ordinances done. Angry or not, I am going.

At work Russ is so smitten with this Mark M. guy who is one of our customers. He sings in his silly way, the tune ”The wicked will be smitten at last" and then says that he must really be wicked because he's smitten with Mark. Oh brother.

2 May 1986 Friday
During the lunch hour I went over to Russ’s new apartment and we again talked about our on going relationship. He said that he needs his space, and that while he loves me, he’s not in love with me. How many times do I have to hear this before it sinks in? We held each other, and I cried a little, and told Russ that I want to let him go but because I love him, it’s hard. But if I do love Russ, I must let him have his own space and the time to accomplish all he needs to do. We cried in each other's arms and I felt his spirit and understood his heart, but I am in so much pain at the loss of his daily association. Should love hurt so much?

Bob McIntier picked me up right after work, and we left for California at six-thirty p.m. to begin our long journey. My wife did not even say goodbye. In Provo we stopped and picked Mike H. up. He’s living at home still so we met his mother who is such a neat lady. He’s out to her and her one concern is his happiness. I really felt her spirit because she is so Christ-like.

We three are the only ones from Salt Lake City that decided to go to California for the Initiatory Ordinances of the Temple. I would not have missed going for the world.

Bob, Mike and I really got to know each other during the long trip and we talked about the Gospel and Gay issues. Oddly we also talked about Mary and her relationship to us as Gay men. That was extremely curious because most Mormons could care less about the mother of Christ. She is not really a part of Mormon theology. Anyway we drove straight through the night and it was a fun if exhausting adventure.

3 May 1986 Saturday
We arrived at Bro. Lamar Hamilton's home in Sunland, which is in the San Fernando Valley, at six-thirty a.m. so it took us a little more than 12 hours to get here. He was away in Palm Springs but has let his home be used for members of the church. At Lamar's we all tried to sleep some, but I was too wired up and was only able to get about an hour of real sleep. And even that was fitful because of my longing for the company of Russ Lane. The absence of him welded up in my heart so much that I began to weep uncontrollably for about two hours.

I had exhausted myself when I felt prompted to write an Epistle of Comfort to my heart, and it was so beautiful to me. I wrote that the Lord said that one of his purpose in coming to the world was to bind up the broken hearted and if I would keep my heart soft and breakable and not let it get harden by the world, then He would use me to bless the lives of others. I was promised if I do so He would keep my heart from actually breaking. I felt from the spirit that He could do this because He understands the human heart, and how it can indeed break because He died of a broken heart on the cross.

After writing down these thoughts, I was then prompted to go ask Mike H. for a blessing. Mike H. gave one of the most beautiful blessings I had ever received in my life. He blessed me that I would be free from the pain of the longing for Russ and that I then would be free to be attendant to the things of the Spirit. He commanded the pain to leave and it did. I love Mike for that and for his compassion towards me.

Immediately I felt a weight lifted, and I felt good enough to call Mom and Dad to let them know that I am in California. They said they wanted to come and get me so we could visit even if only for a few hours. They drove up from Orange County to San Fernando Valley, and we found a Sizzlers Steakhouse. It was so good to see Mom and Dad, especially since my marriage to my wife is dissolving. I hadn't seen my parents since last August when I moved back to Utah. I felt like I was looking good in my light grey slacks, pink shirt and grey tweed jacket.

After eating, my parents drove me to Orange County where I got to see some of the rest of the family. I stayed there in Garden Grove until about 6 p.m. when I had to be over to Downey for the Initiatory Ordinances. They were not at all that curious why I had come down from Utah without my wife. Once I said it had something to do about church they lost interest. They have always been upset that I joined the Mormon Church.

After dropping me off in Downey, I stayed at Pam and Lynn’s apartment, way into the night. I was excited to be there. There were people already there when I came and some others came even after I. The Tabernacle was a portable white canvas or muslin tent constructed with pc pipes so that it could be put up quickly and taken down quickly. It was located in a spare bedroom while we who were waiting for our ordination were seated in the living room.

After everyone who said they were coming to the ordination was there, President Feliz offered a beautiful dedicatory prayer. In his dedicatory prayer he said that we who are here are truly pioneers and its hard work being pioneers. Amen to that. I am so filled with the spirit that I feel like shouting Hosanna yet at the same time the spirit is speaking such peace to my soul.

A sweet spirit rested upon me after the prayer and I know that what we are doing in the Restoration Church, in Christ’s name and for the love of him, is Holy and of God. Coincidently, or maybe not, there are twelve of us here for the first ordinance to be performed in this Tabernacle of the Church of Jesus Christ of All Latter Day Saints.

As we each quietly reflected while waiting each of our turn, I thought to myself that I am so grateful to be surrounded by such lovely people. I do love Pam Calkins. What a mighty prophetess we have in our midst. Even President Feliz was sweet and humble.

While sitting and waiting, I looked across the room and saw this young man. The spirit spoke to me and said, "Know him", so I went over to him and said, "I need to know you." That was a very strange for me to do but he told me that his name was Mark Bluto. I asked him for his address so we could correspond when I return to Salt Lake.

I was sitting next to Bob McIntier and he was so sweet and had a calming effect on me. Without words he whispered to my soul and we embraced. I love him and Mike H. so very much. I know they are called of God and are Godly men.

I want to capture the feelings of having my washing and anointing performed in the Tabernacle of the Lord. As I am sitting in the Tabernacle of the Lord in Los Angeles County, California, where it is set up in the home of Sisters Pamela Calkins and Lynn L., it's nearly 9 p.m. Although I am weary from the lack of sleep and from the drive down from Salt Lake City, I have a sweet peaceful feeling about me as I sit in Pam and Lynn's front room. I am wait­ing to have my washing and anointing performed or rather renewed since I've already taken out my endowments.

When it was my turn I undressed and I found it so natural to have Elder Pamela Calkins performs the washing part of the ordination. It was sweet, and sacred. Elder Antonio Feliz performed the anointing of oil. The spirit I felt here is greater, more real, more profound love then I ever received in the LDS Church. I felt the real presence of Spirit and of Angels. After I came from the ordination room those who were in the living room hugged and kissed me.
Additional Material "West End Girls" by Pet Shop Boys is number one song on national charts

4 May 1986 Sunday
After the ordinances yesterday Bob McIntier and I drove back to Sunland, while Mike H. stayed with Eddie M. at Lynn and Pam’s apartment.

Lamar Hamilton is away all this weekend in Palm Springs and it sure was sweet of him to let us stay at his house. I think however that he’s away because he doesn’t quite approve of the church doing temple ordinations so quickly. At least that is what Mark Bluto implied.

Tony Feliz, when he was married, had been set apart to be a Temple Worker. When Harold B. Lee, who was giving him a blessing, told Tony that he would be instrumental in bringing the blessings of the Temple to his people, Tony said that at the time he thought the Lord meant Latinos but since coming to term with being Gay he realizes now that the Lord meant that the blessings of the temple were to be given to Gay people.

This morning Bob and I had to get up early, to be in Downey/Bellflower by 11 a.m. to participate in a Prayer Circle. We needn’t have rushed however because President Feliz was late arriving because he's staying at Mark Bluto's and Mark decided not to participate. So those who did participate were John Crane, Antonio Feliz, Pam Calkins, Mike H., Bob McIntier, and I. It was a sweet, holy, and sacred experience.

While waiting for Tony to arrive, I asked Pam Calkins for a blessing. I felt I needed a blessing from a woman's heart. The Lord spoke through Pam to me about things about my wife and I that only the Lord would have known. I was so moved by the Spirit that I was in tears and the blessing lasted nearly a half hour. Lynn who had laid her hands on my head with Pam, was so overcome by the Spirit that she collapsed and almost passed out. It was such a beautiful and powerful blessing and it was directed towards my wife as well as me. The Lord said that I was to put my wife first in my life and resolve our re­lationship and by doing so eventually the Lord would allow others to come into my family.

But back to the Prayer Circle, I felt that the Lord was watching over me. I added several names to the prayer list including my parent’s names, Steve and Meg, my uncle Milton, and of course John F. C.. Strange how I didn’t include my wife’s name, now that I think about it.

In the Prayer Circle, Tony Feliz mentioned again that we were the pioneers and that it’s hard work, and scary, to be pioneers but I added "Yes but it’s also exciting!" And I am excited about this great and gloriest movement brought about by the Lord to gather the harvest, or more like it, to glean the fields for that which no one else wants. The good shepherd is looking for all His little Lambs who have gone astray.

We stayed in the sacred prayer room for about two and a half hours discussing Sacred matters of the Kingdom of God. Most of the details of what went on in the prayer circle are too sacred to reveal now, but Tony Feliz did share with us, who were present, some sacred matters that only those who had chosen to come to this Prayer Circle were to know. He said that the Lord told Tony that those of us who were present at this Prayer Circle were to be His servants because of our faith and diligence. He more or less said that we would be called to the High Priest Quorum of the Church. Anyways I never felt the spirit as strong as I did there, and the atmosphere was so holy that we were all shedding tears of joy and love! Simply put we had an out pouring of the Spirit.

After the Prayer Circle ended we all had to rush to get to church on time in Hollywood. The church here in Los Angeles meets in a Methodist Church in the Los Feliz district. They also have a Priesthood meeting as well as a Sacrament.

The Priesthood lesson, oddly enough, was given by David Ewing on the nature of Mary, the Mother of Christ. David use to be a Catholic Priest and a lot of what he said about the nature of Mary was lost on me, but I do feel like there is a lot of truth in the concept that Mary who had her calling and election made sure from the time of her birth, was sinless and a pure vessel to bare the Lord. As to whether she may be indeed our Heavenly Mother, whose Spirit was allowed to gain a body at the Meridian of Time so She could bare her Son, is open to speculation but it makes sense. If this is true then Mary was a wife of Heavenly Father from the beginning of time and not His daughter. Thus it was lawful for Him to conceive with Mary. It's really interesting and strange how that Bob, Mike, and I were prompted to discuss the nature of Mary on our trip down to California. We had no idea that this would be the topic for the lesson today. Perhaps Heavenly Mother will reveal herself through the Restoration Church.

Today was Fast and Testimony meeting and it was so beautiful. Sacrament was blessed by Michelle and Janice, two straight women who had joined the church. Michelle is about 50 years old, and Janice is about 40. Both are very intelligent but in an unorthodox quirky kind of way, I can see how they could not conform to the LDS rigid view of womanhood. When Michelle and Janice blessed and passed the Sacrament wine and bread, I started crying because then I knew that God loves all His children, male and female, without regards to gender. The Spirit testified to me that it was right and proper that these straight women should be Priesthood holders, and thus truly handmaidens to the Lord.

After Tony Feliz turned the time over for the bearing of Testimonies I was so bursting that I had to go first. I couldn't help crying as I bore my testimony of how precious and right it was to see women serving the Sacrament and I also expressed what a sacred experience was had in the Tabernacle yesterday. I also said that I wanted to express our love to the Los Angeles Family from the Branch in Salt Lake City and how grateful we are for their faith and their work in the Restoration movement. I bore my testimony that I believe Joseph Smith is pleased with this work and that Christ is at its head and as long as He remains there we can not stray. I said that I believe Tony Feliz to be a prophet, that Pam Calkins to be a prophet, Lamar Hamilton to be a prophet, and John Crane also. I am grateful to belong to a Church where the gift of prophesy is poured out upon our heads.

Mike H. bore his sweet testimony as did Bob McIntier. Bob was so sweet to me and we held hands all through the meeting. On the other side, I held hands with Lynn L. I felt so much love there.

After Sacrament we hugged and we kissed and fellowshipped each other before having a pot Luck dinner which was great. I sat with Michelle and Janice and visited with them. When we were ready to leave I hugged every member there and expressed my gratitude to them because I told them what we have in Salt Lake is built on a foundation laid down by them. It was a long drawn out process saying goodbye to everyone until only Tony Feliz and Eddie M. were left with Mike, Bob, and I. Tony stayed because he said he needed to interview Mike H. and Bob McIntier on some matter. Eddie stayed with us because he wanted to be with Mike and because he’s Tony’s ride. Besides that Eddie has the keys to lock up the building.

While Mike was being interviewed Bob played hymns on the piano and I went over to Eddie M. and held him in my arms. We sat and talked because he was feeling blue that Mike was leaving. He has a crush on him and who wouldn’t? I said to him in effect paraphrasing the poem Waiting “be patient in waiting for those who are seeking you. They will find you and know your face”. He seemed a little comforted by that so I continued saying “perhaps people are waiting to grow up or waiting for you to grow older. Perhaps there's something the Lord has in mind for you that you don’t even know about yet. But when we left Eddie cried anyway. He’s such a dear sweet spirit.

Bob, Mike, and I got on the road after nine p.m. but we were feeling giddy and in Hollywood so we decided to cruise up Hollywood Boulevard then down Santa Monica. It was so much fun, just like my carefree college days. Bob wanted to stop at this card shop on Santa Monica Boulevard so Mike and I hit the street walking up to this corner to see how many offers we could get from the men cruising for hired sex. It was so funny we laughed all the way back to the car.

We were on our way back to Utah after taking the San Bernardino Freeway. Mike H. drove all the way into Las Vegas. There we stopped at this Carl Jr.'s hamburger joint where I took out my contacts. They felt like sand in my eyes because I had not cleaned them in a couple of days. I didn’t bring my contacts container to put them in so I improvised. I bought two condoms out of a machine in the bathroom, filled them with a little water and but my contacts in them. I tied the ends differently so I was able to keep them straight. I think I was ingenious. Mike thought it was funny but practical. We were having so much fun and seeing the bright lights of Las Vegas was dazzling. I drove out of Las Vegas to just before Virgin River Canyon where Bob took over. I wanted to drive further but said I just could not keep my eyes open any longer. It was nearly 4 a.m. Well, Bob took over and drove us into Utah to Cedar City where by then the sun was up. I drove from Cedar City to Nephi, and Mike drove from Nephi on in to Orem. All through the trip we expressed our love and concern for each other by holding each other hands and showing real brotherly concern. We rubbed each others stiff backs and necks and made sure that each was doing okay. The Lord’s spirit was so magnified among us as we traveled safely back home through the dark. What a road trip.
Additional Material: Mark Douglas Bluto was born in Vermont on December 16, 1951. He died in Orange, CA, on May 6, 1987 of AIDS.

5 May 1986 Monday:
I am home, tired, and sleepy. I slept all day and didn't go into work. Russ Lane called and said we need to talk tomorrow at lunch. I did tell my wife about our blessing from Pamela Calkins and she just said “Big deal,” and lit up another cigarette. Tony spent the weekend here and I guess will be staying permanently for a while. I guess he doesn’t miss his wife and kid in Minnesota. Russ told me that Jon B. was hired today at Utah Title as an entry level title examiner. I guess he starts tomorrow. I haven’t seen much of Jon or Johnny W. lately. I heard that Johnny is moving to St, George or somewhere in Southern Utah because it reminds him more of Egypt.

6 May 1986 Tuesday:
It was good to see Jon at work today. He’s actually starting out in the copy room until I can train him. Russ was all giddy today. He wanted to talk about Affirmation at lunch and said that he’s looking for a new place to meet because the group has outgrown the Crossroad Urban Center. He thinks its tacky there, I think its homey. I will always have an attachment to the center and hopes he doesn’t move us soon. I bet he won’t because if nothing else the price is right. Free.

My wife and I are growing further and further apart. She talks to Tony constantly about what is going on here and his mother in Levan is telling her to divorce me for leaving the LDS Church. Russ says I should divorce my wife so I can live as a openly Gay man. It’s not that simple. Besides I don’t know what we would do with Sam and Toby and the cats if we split. We have had Sam since we were married in 1977 and he is getting pretty old but Toby is just about six years old. However Toby is totally devoted to Sam and it would break his heart to be separated from him. It sounds silly but the dogs are the only children we have since the doctors said that my wife and I are infertile together. If we’d had married other people we probably could have had children.

7 May 1986 Wednesday:
I went to John Cooper’s group Affirmation group for the first time in months, just to get out of the house. It so strange how I have out grown this little group in such a short time. In some ways it feels like light years ago when I sat in my car debating whether or not to enter the Crossroads Urban Center. There were only about five guys there including John and myself. In some ways it was easier to share some personal things that are going on in my life rather then with the Wasatch group.

As much as hate to admit it, Russ is really putting the fire back into Affirmation. Every meeting there are more and more people. John Cooper said that he’s thinking of moving to California and if he does he will close the Salt Lake Affirmation group down. I guess he’s been involved with it for over five years in one way or another. He’s been the director for the past three years I think.
Additional Material 9 May 1986-Salt Lake Men’s Choir Third Annual Spring Concert held at Bryant Intermediate School. Nearly 400 people attended. Directors were Brent Carter and Farris Cooper. John Sasserman, Business Manager of Triangle Magazine criticizes the Men’s Choir for not being open about being a Gay Men’s Choir. Ric Belnap President of the Salt Lake Men’s Choir takes exception to the Triangles criticism.
Additional Material 10 May 1986- Saturday AIDS in Utah was the subject of a roundtable broadcast on KSL featuring, Dr. Harry Gibbons of the state health department, John Lorenzini from AIDS Project Utah, Physician Kristen Ries MD and Immunologist Jay Jacobson
• "West End Girls" by Pet Shop Boys is number one song on national charts.

11 May 1986 Sunday
My wife left Friday with Tony S. for Levan so I was on my own this weekend. I spent much of the weekend cleaning house and doing laundry and taking care of the animals. They must feel something is going on because they sure are clinging to me and they seem agitated.

I went to Sacrament Meeting and Jon B. was there with Gordon. Bob McIntier presided and Mike H. conducted the meeting. I am feeling rather left out. I am the Bishop Agent and yet I am never called to any church business meetings. I hear things second hand or sometimes not at all. The only time I am called at all is to pick something up or set up the upstairs room at the Crossroad Urban Center. The magic that was just last week seems to be vaporizing. So far the only thing I have been responsible for is sending Bob and my tithing offerings off to Lamar Hamilton. Bob McIntier at the end of the meeting asked if anyone would be willing to make an entrance for the church at the Royal Court of the Golden Spike Empire's Coronation at the end of the month. Before I realize what I was doing I volunteered. I have no idea what Coronation is or for that matter is a Royal Court? Sometimes I wish the spirit would quit pushing me.

At Affirmation tonight I bet there were thirty-five people there. There were at least five on every couch, two deep on the floor and at least seven were out in the foyer. I went out in the foyer to be with people who were coming in late and greeted them. Russ had some speaker for tonight’s meeting but I couldn’t for the life of you tell you who it was. Some church lady. After the meeting I saw Russ just fawning over this new kid named Frank F.. I visited with this kid named Willy Marshall who came with Jon B. and Gordon J.. I also met this man with a gorgeous smile and who just beamed friendliness. His name is Beauchaine. He shakes everyone’s hand, pats them on the back and makes you feel like he’s your long lost brother. How could you not like that? He talked about some Gay community center that he’s involved with and the Gay Hot line that people can call for help or information.
Additional Material The patio is open at Backstreet with Michael Ball as manager. On 5 Jun 1990 Royal Court of the Golden Spike Emperor VII Michael Ball died at the age 36.
• Willy Marshall became the first Gay mayor of any town in Utah when he was elected mayor of Big Water as a Libertarian candidate in 2001.

13 May 1986 Tuesday
Long day at work and I am mentally as well as physically drained. More than that I am emotionally drained. Yesterday I was pretty good about pulling back from Russ and trying to let him go, then today he gives me a picture of himself with an endearing message written on the back. I thought "Oh Shit” and I went over to his cubical and asked him, "Why did you do that?” I couldn’t’ believe it. Just when I'm finally letting go, he pulls me back in. So today I'm back to square one.

I felt like I needed to talk again to Russ, and explain how I feel about him giving me his picture. I wanted to let him know that I was still trying to sort out my feelings for him and this kind of mixed message doesn’t help. So I asked Russ if I could come over for 15 minutes during lunch to talk and he said sure but then mentioned that Frank F. was also coming over during lunch and so Russ asked me to wait until one before coming over. He would call me to let me know if I could come over or not!

It took me a while to realize what Russ had done to me; the wounding was so clean and quick. I didn't even realize I was wounded until I emotionally began to bleed. I went back to my terminal to think why I was feeling so awful, then it dawn on me what he have done. I saw him leave for lunch without even saying goodbye to me and I began to feel sicker and sicker until it was after one o’clock. He didn't call. It was a good thing that he didn't call me because by that time I was so mad that I would have told him where to get off right there and then.

By God I will not take a back seat to Frank F.! What the fuck has he ever done for Russ that I should have to come after him? Fuck that! All I have ever asked from Russ is for him to treat me with some dignity and he doesn't. Well I’m done with Russ this time and he can’t hurt me anymore. If he can't be there for me, then I'm under no obligation to be there for him. And for me to have to come after Frank!! Unbelievable! I'm so upset I can't even cry.

When Russ came back from lunch I totally ignored him. I was professional but not personable. He called me on the phone to joke with me but I was only civil to him not friendly. Russ went too damn far this time and my heart just won't take it. Loving Russ hurts too much. Needless to say I had a hard time keeping my composure at work for the rest of the day and I worked late until 9 p.m.

Jon B. and Johnny W. invited my wife and I over for a late dinner. We stayed until ten-thirty p.m. and my wife was fascinated with this woman named Lily who was also a guest. They visited for most of the evening while I talked to Jon B. some about what Russ did to me. Jon agreed that I deserve to be treated better than that.

Well Russ doesn't know it yet but he's going to miss me when I'm gone and I am gone. I don't know what he could do to make it right again. I feel stronger about being a Gay man and I know also that the Lord is binding up my broken heart because I do feel His love and presence. The Lord promised me that if I would keep my heart soft and tender he would bind up my broken heart and He has. So truly grateful for that.

It is interesting to me that when I reread a prompting given to me on the 1st of April when I was trying to understand how there could be two quorums of Apostles on the Earth at the same time, I had written that I believed that Russ was the Lord's friend, but then I was prompted to change the wording to that Russ was the Lord's servant. That’s a subtle change but now I think I understand why. Like my wife said being a friend is a two way street.

Today the cute computer trouble shooter was working on my terminal for most of the day and kept looking at me with really intense brown eyes. His smile sent a shiver up my back and I felt kind of a lost opportunity when he left, a missed connection.

14 May 1986 Wednesday
It was so hard today seeing Russ so sad this morning. It immediately softened my heart towards him. Later on encountering him in the dead file room, I said to him, "Russ I can handle any fucking thing you can dish out-except for seeing you so sad. But he remained aloof and distant to me, and I to him for the rest of the day.

Jon B. and I went home for lunch and we talked for most of our lunch hour. Jon is such a sweet man and I care for him but I'm not in love with him or him with me. As we visited, he helped me understand that Russ is looking for a knight in shining armor and I wasn't him. Jon said that he thought Russ is rather frivolous at work and is going to get in trouble if he doesn't get more serious. He said the girls in the copy room all gossip about Russ being Gay and they wonder about me because I spend so much time with him. While it felt good to have someone on my side, validating my feelings that what Russ is doing to me is unworthy, deep in side I was leaping to Russ' defense. I'm such a fool.

Russ went home again for lunch without speaking to me. I was so hurt that I took the picture that Russ gave me and placed it in his desk drawer along with some the Mate' tea that I only bought to re­mind me of him. I didn't want it anymore.

Needless to say the rest of the afternoon was very stressful for me but Bob E. called me into his office to ask if I knew of anymore people who are looking for jobs? That really pleased me that he valued my opinion that much. However I told him I didn't know of anyone who I could recommend. Certainly not Gordon J. who has really turned into a mess. He is drinking so much and I hardly see him at church anymore. Jon is trying to find an easy way to break up with him. Is there such a thing? An easy way to break up?

At the end of the day the sales rep, Carrie, asked if I could stay and help after work with an office tour for customers. I said, certainly, but that I had to leave at 6 to take care of some business but I would be back in plenty of time. I didn't tell her but the business I had to take care of was Russ.

At 6:20 I went over to his apartment and said I needed to talk to him. We sat on the couch about as far apart as we could and I began to try and explain what I was feeling, and why. I let him know how much his picture sent mixed messages to me about his feelings for me. We talked about how hurtful it feels, my having to schedule time to even come and see him. I told him that things are shaky in my own life right now with my wife. Russ just got mad and we began to argue with each other and in the heat of the fight Russ, again out of the blue, called me Edgar instead of Ben. He sounded just like John F. C.. It totally freaked me out. It startled Russ too and he stopped yelling at me. It was the strangest thing. Am I really just resolving old conflicts I had with John F. C. through Russ Lane?

That incident was so bizarre that Russ and I calmed down and began to really talk and I finally said to Russ that it was really hard on me discerning him as a friend and also being in love with him too. But I said I will not let what never was, affect the friendship of what can be between us. We ended up holding each other before I left to go back to the office. Time absolutely slipped away and it was nearly eight when I got back there and I was suppose to be there to help on the tour at seven. I thought my ass would really be grass but Carrie was really nice and said that it was alright and I promised her that I would do it again for her when ever she wanted me to.
Additional Material 15 May 1986 Migration May Add AIDS Cases to Utah (SLTribune B8-4)
• Survey Lists Data on Jails AIDS (SLTribune B9-1)

16 May 1986 Friday:
Bob McIntier gave me several assignments for Church to do while he's gone. I was finally able to contact someone from the Royal Court to find out what I have to do to make an entrance for the Church. I really don't want to do it, but the Lord put the words in my mouth that I would so I will. In the evening my wife and I got the most interesting phone call from her friend Eve in California. Eve is going to join the LDS Church, but told my wife that she was a Lesbian and living with a transsexual woman. My wife told her that the LDS Church doesn’t exactly welcome Gay people so we referred her to Pam Calkins. Pam will be able to help Eve sort out her conflict. I told Eve that it didn’t matter which Church she joined, The Restoration Church or LDS Church as long as she accepts the Gospel. My wife was truly amazed by the coincidence of this phone call, because Eve said that she's been trying to reach us for 7 days. She said that she felt like she really needed to talk to us. God truly works in marvelous ways.

17 May 1986 Saturday:
It truly was a beautiful spring day in the Rockies. I was able to accomplish everything that Bob McIntier has asked me to do. I was able to take care of the Royal Court business and make arrangements for Sacrament Meeting. I even returned an overdue record to the library and they didn’t charge me for it. That was neat.

Later I went to Weinstocks at the Crossroads Mall and bought some more summer clothes that were now on sale. I saw Russ at the mall and we visited. I even asked him if he would be willing to baptize me in the Restoration Church. He said that he would so all I need to do now is to get permission from Tony Feliz and Bob McIntier.

In the late after noon I went to the HPER Building up on campus had a wonderful time soaking in the sauna. While there some college kids came in and where looking each over and nearly passing out from the heat until I finally told them I will watch the door so they aren’t disturbed if they want to get together and I did. They were so grateful and I got to help some Gay guys get together who would not have been able to with out my assistance.

In the evening I went out to the Cottonwood Mall to pick up my wife from Taylor Maid and not wishing to stay home we went looking for Jon B.. Over at Johnny W.’s we encountered Willy Marshall. He was looking for Jon also. When no one answered the door I said I bet that he's over at Bob McIntier's, house sitting, while Bob’ in New Zealand.

We both drove over to Bob's where indeed Jon was staying with Gordon J.. We were invited in and we spent the evening talking about the Libertarian Party and politics in general. My wife really likes Willy and his politics. Willy and Jon sat on the couch holding hands, and Gordon J. was kind of being standoffish. I don't think that Gordon likes Willy because he pays too much attention to Jon. Anyways I thought it was funny when Willy called the Restoration Church's Family Home Evening night, "Family Homo Evening". Anyways Gordon J. did not appear to be well. He thinks he might have pneumonia. He's so thin and gaunt that I hope that's all he has.
Additional Material The Connection, a Gay restaurant next to the INBETWEEN opened. Located at 529 West 200 South with owner Dean Weideman.
• 17 May 1986 Greatest Love Of All" by Whitney Houston is number one song on national charts

18 May 1986 Sunday:
I talked with John F. C. today! Out of the blue he called me! It was so good to hear his voice. It makes me think that he must still care about me in someway after all these years. The last time I saw John was in 1972, and it nearly broke my heart then. I asked him how has he been and he said that he's been sick but is well now. Some kind of stomach trouble. While we talked, he said that he was ready for some type of change in his life. He wants a career change and I said perhaps I can help him get on at Utah Title if he wants to move to Utah. I was surprised but delighted when he said that he would consider it. I can’t say how wonderful it would be to be able to help take care of John F. C. again after all these years. He will always be the “Man who Got Away.”

Sacrament Meeting went well and today with many new comers. Mike H. conducted the meeting and presided in Bob's absence. Erick S. from Provo gave a good talk on magnifying the Priesthood. Two investigators came today. Marc L., and Cy Fs, a friend of Mike H.'s from Provo. Mark was so impressed with our little congregation that he took a membership form. Great! My wife came to Church today and the others in attendance were Russ Lane, Cy F., Randy H., Gordon J., Jon B., Marc L., Erick S., Craig H., Mike H. and I. It was a great meeting, discussing sex and spirituality. Today is our last time at the Crossroad Urban Center because next week we will be meeting in Rose Park at the West Salt Lake City’s Multipurpose Center. It’s much closer to Bob McIntier and inconvenient for anyone without transportation. I will miss attending the Crossroad Urban Center. To me it will always seem like a second home and I thought it cozy.

I didn’t go to Affirmation tonight but rather stayed home and watched a movie about a rescue of Americans from Iran. I think I just didn’t have the energy to deal with Russ. I went to bed missing John F. C. so much that my throat lumped up and I grieved over what never was; a life with him.
Additional Material Graham Bell, former LGSU officer, and Idaho legislator Robert Forrey appeared on KUTV’s Take Two hosted by Rod Decker. Forrey was publicly supporting an anti-gay comic book entitled, “Homosexuality: Legitimate, Alternative Death style.” Forrey felt that the book should be read by children to prepare them to resist Gay recruitment and to educate them in the evils of homosexuality.

22 May 1986 Thursday
I have so many mixed emotions. I have been so exhausted by them that I hardly have the energy to write. I have been tired all week from my wife and I talking divorce. We aren't angry with each other but we know that we will have to dissolve our marital bonds sooner or later so that we can both get on with the direction our new lives are taking us. Or should I rather say my new life?

Today Bob E. moved me into a new office, back in the recording department. I had to do all the desk, computer and equipment moving myself. I bought some plants for my office today and a clock radio so I can still listen to KRCL. I am really tired just from that. I made some muffins last night and brought about two dozen for people at work. I gave Russ Lane a half dozen, and Jon B. three and the rest to the people I like.

I have really felt strange regarding Russ all day today, kind of sad and depressed. I don't know why. I hear The Miami Sound Machine new song "Words Get in My Way" and I start feeling heart sick again. I must try to put him in the past. We will never be anything to one another so why keep bothering?

It didn't help that Russ kept rubbing my back a lot today when we were alone, and I'm not sure why but it didn't soften my heart any. It just made me all the more determined to get out of this relationship. What relationship? Shit I'm not getting anything out of it but heartache. I'm so miserable most of the time when I am around him but alas life does go on.

I guess I'm really on the pity pot about both Jon B. and Russ Lane. Things aren't as I expected at work. Like I don't expect undying devotion from either of them, just because I stuck my neck out to help them get a job here at Utah Title, but I really did think that I would have friends at work to take my breaks with and to go to lunch with and that sort of camaraderie that I had at Ticor. But Russ just goes home for lunch at the Juel Apartment and Jon takes off too somewhere and neither of them ever asks me to go along. I would love to tag along, just for the company, but I know it's wrong to expect anything from anyone.

My wife and Tony went to China Village for dinner tonight. I just didn't want to go out with them and pretend to be all cheerful that things are going to work out. That illusion is fading fast. The weather is so much cooler than it was yesterday.

Before going to bed Tony Feliz called from Los Angeles because he needs me to get eight seven-foot PC pipe poles for the Tabernacle that they will be bringing here this Saturday. They didn't have room to transport the poles from there.

23 May 1986 Friday
I really had the pits of a morning and of course Russ Lane was at the root of it. Earlier in the week I had asked him to go to the Royal Court's Coronation, this weekend, with me but this morning he said that he's decided not to go. That just stunned me, but before I had a chance to recover from that zinger, he zaps me again asking how long my baptism would take because his aunt had invited him over for a picnic on the day that I planned for it. Recovering quickly, I regained my wits enough to say, "never mind about my baptism because I'm not entirely certain that you could do it, not being a member of the Church and all," and I walked away and left it at that. Russ again had left me feeling small and insignificant.

For the sake of my pride or what's left of it, I didn't want to let on to Russ that I was devastated by his backing out of going to Coronation. He said that he wanted to go to represent Affirmation there and of course I was going to represent the Church. My wife had even bought our tickets from some guy she works with at the Cottonwood Mall. Now I'm stuck with an extra $16 ticket.

I felt like crying all morning. I was totally flattened. I didn't understand why Russ dumping on me this time should affect me so severely. It's not like it's the first time. Analyzing my feelings, it finally dawned on me that the reason I was smarting so much was that I was actually scared to death to be going to Coronation by myself. I was depending on Russ Lane for moral support and now I realize I am left out there, really out there, on my own.

Lynn F. was so sweet to me this morning. She sensed my mood and was so concerned about me. She told me that she could tell I wasn't my usual self and she said she wanted Ben back. That was so very kind of her.

Anyway I said to myself, "Self you have got to terminate that boy". It is so true. I can't keep on letting Russ let me down. So I decided to take Russ out to lunch for the last time then Kaput! Finis! and that's what I did. I took him to Sizzler's on 4th South and I just let him talk all he wanted because I knew that this would be for the last time. Russ went on and on about how he was angry that HAPPY ADS wouldn't run his Affirmation advertisement because of the word Gay. Anyways after lunch, I was done with him.

The rest of the day was so hard on me emotionally but I managed to hang in there. After work when Jon B. came by office, we visited about my feelings a little bit. I also asked him if he would go to Coronation with me as my guest. He was noncommittal but said that he thought he could, so at least that is taken care of. Jon B. then said that Willy Marshall and he were planning on going out tonight, and he asked me if I wanted to come along. I said sure. Jon said that he'd me call at 8 then he left. Later when Russ was leaving he came by my office and asked for a ride to Church this Sunday in Rose Park. I said I would. How could I not? Going to Church is not the same as really doing things together.

I walked home from work, instead of taking the bus, because it was so nice out and while cutting through Liberty Park I encountered Beau Chaine who was putting up a booth for the Fitness Fair at the park tomorrow. He needed a hand putting up the tent booth so I helped him for about an hour before taking off. While helping him, we visited and got to know each other a little better. He sure is a go getter and has his hands full of projects in the Gay community.

When I reached home, my wife was there but she didn't want to go out. So when Jon called, I drove over to Johnny W.'s place on 1st South near the Blue Mouse Theater where Jon B. and Gordon J. are living while Johnny is in Southern Utah. Jon and I waited for Willy Marshall while Gordon was antsy to go bar hopping. Gordon left to go to Backstreet but since Jon didn't want to go dancing, we stayed and waited for Willy.

I really like Willy and when he finally arrived we sat around and talked about Libertarian Party and about Big Water, Utah. Willy said that the town of Big Water is the community where Alex Joseph the polygamist lives. The town's gone entirely Libertarian through the efforts of Willy so he is really excited about the prospects of moving there. Willy also said the town is starting a soft ball team but doesn't know what to name the team. He said that some on the team want to be called the Big Water Polygs but some of the monogamous wives in town down there strongly objected. I suggested that they call them selves The Big Water Pollywogs and Willy laughed and said "Yeah and they can say that they practice Pollywogamy!" We started laughing and making up names. I also said well they could also call themselves the Latter Day Aints. Willie really liked that one too.

Willy is running for Justice of the Peace in Davis County on the Libertarian Ticket and June 7th is the Libertarian Convention here in Salt Lake and I told Willy that I'll be sure to be there.

After a while Willie said he wanted to go over to Russ Lane's place but didn't know if he would still be up since it was around ten p.m. I cattily commented that Russ would get it up for you! In more ways than one!" Anyways divine justice prevailed because when we went over to see Russ he wasn't home or had already gone to bed, in either case he wouldn't answer his bell, so he missed the chance to be with Willy on whom he has this big crush. So with those plans dashed we decided to go to Dee's Restaurant on 4th South for a late snack since by now it was nearly midnight.

I felt just like a kid again. It was so much fun being with Jon and Willy. At Dee's, I ordered cheese soup, which was yummy, and also ordered a banana split which we all shared.

Around twelve-thirty a.m. we made our way back to Jon's place where we sat around and visited some more until Willie suggested that we turn off the lights and all three of us snuggle. Willie is so much into touching and cuddling. So we turned the lights off and listened to FM 93, which played the neatest songs like If You Leave and No One's to Blame, all night long. I don't think I enjoy anything more than lying in the dark listening to Rock and Roll music, especially the songs that bring back the old memories. It was such an excellent ending to such a horrible morning.

As we talked in the dark I told Willy that I care more for Russ than he does for me. Willie replied "That's okay because Russ cares more for me than I do him! And I thought yes life isn't fair but it is just. What goes around comes around.

It was truly a sweet, memorable, wonderful evening; a night to remember lying side by side with Sweet William and Beloved Jon. What extraordinary guys. I'm grateful to my Eternal Father and Mother and my dear Jesus Christ for letting me know these special people.

I didn't get home until almost 4 a.m. and by then it was Saturday morning. It was crazy to stay out so late when I have so much to do but the Lord knows that I needed the emotional strokes.
Additional material- Sterling Hayden, American actor best known for his appearance as Gen. Jack D. Ripper in Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb where he was obsessed with precious bodily fluids. (1916-1986)
• 23-25 May 1986- Metropolitan Community Church’s Northwest district conference was held in SLC with Resurrection MCC hosting. Conference held at the Salt Lake Sheraton Hotel. Conference coordinator was Bruce Harmon and the theme of the conference was “Blessed Be the Ties That Bind.” The primary reason for the conference is to gather for fellowship and to conduct the business of the district“ Stated Bruce Harmon. Nearly 200 people attended. Reverend Bruce Barton read a letter of greeting to the conference attendees from Mayor Palmer de Paulis and Utah Governor Norman Bangerter. Metropolitan Community Church held a District Conference. The Reverend James Sandmire spoke during the conference relating his experiences as a Gay Mormon and his early experience with Affirmation. MCC held their District Conference in Utah for the first time.
• 24 May 1986 “Greatest Love Of All" by Whitney Houston is number one song on national charts.

25 May 1986 Sunday
Two important life lessons were learned today. One is that if the Lord calls me to do something, the way will be opened to do it, and the other is to not be afraid to go where the Lord calls me to go because not only will it be for my own good it will also be a blessing to others.

I went over to Bob McIntier’s house at ten-thirty a.m. where the tabernacle had been set up in his basement for the Prayer Circle. Tony Feliz arrived yesterday with David Ewing and they are staying at Bob's. I was such a space cadet this morning that I ran off leaving a shoe and sock at home from my temple clothes, so I had to borrow some white socks from Bob. The Prayer Circle was sacred and special and I put three more names on the prayer list. They were my Aunt Marie, Willy Marshall, and Alex Joseph. The last name was even a surprise to me and a curious choice because I have never met the man. Tony Feliz was surprised too and expressed concern that Alex Joseph was one of the murderous polygamous leaders connected with Ervil LeBaron. I assured him that Alex Joseph was not a murderer but a Libertarian polygamist whose community at Big Water had a positive attitude towards Gays.

During the Prayer Circle ceremony Tony Feliz read to us a new Revelation he had received which was suppose to guide the Church in the direction the Lord wants it to go. The revelation dealt with Church Quorums and it was fascinating. Soon there are to be Apostles called to witness for the church.

After the Prayer Circle I had to rush home to get Sunday dinner ready for my wife and also to get ready for Sacrament at 2 p.m. in our new meeting place at the Multipurpose Center in Rose Park. My wife didn’t want to go to church so I took the car to go pick up Russ Lane. However after stopping by the Juel Apartments I found that he wasn’t even home so from there I rushed to be at Church on time. There at the Northwest Multipurpose Center, Bob McIntier had the room already set up so I only had to put out the Sacrament.

Our ranks were small today but considering that we have a new meeting place as well as a new time I wasn't surprised. Attending Church was Bob McIntier, Tony Feliz, John Crane, David Ewing, Erick S., Gordon J., Jon B., Ric B. and I. John Crane, the Church's evangelist, gave an excellent talk on his conversion to the Church after it was revealed to him the nature of the love that the Lord has for Gay people. Tony Feliz bore his Testimony of the Church and prophesied that the someday it would be in every cosmopolitan city in Europe and America.

Anyway after church services, Gordon J. was being a real jerk to me. He called me outside and fumed that he was really upset that I was taking Jon B. to coronation because he had really wanted to go with Jon, but they decided that they couldn't afford it. So more or less he was implying that I either buy him a ticket also or I should give mine to him so he could go with Jon!

I was flabbergasted! I reiterated to him the reasons for my going in the first place, saying, "Gordon I'm not going to have fun but because the Lord has called me to be there! I don't even want to go but have to and the only reason I have an extra ticket is because Russ Lane backed out at the last minute!"

Not getting his way Gordon then goes and talks to Jon B. telling him his sob story. Jon now comes to me and asks me how would I feel about taking Gordon to Coronation instead on him. That just floored me! I was really hurt by his lack of sensitivity to my feelings and I felt deserted by him. But I mustered up a smile, and bravely said, "It doesn't matter to me who goes."

But then my façade shattered and I began to cry. I said, "That's not true. It does matter a lot to me. I'm scared to death to be doing this, going before all those hundreds of people whom I don't even know to announce to the world that I'm Gay and that I belong to a Gay Mormon Church!” I tried to explain how I wanted someone, needed someone, to be with me, to support me, while I do this, and how Gordon would only desert me once there to flit around.

After speaking my fears, that seemed to bolster me some what and I then said, “Jon, don't worry. I’ll find someone to go with me, and if I don’t, then perhaps the Lord wants me to do this alone for some reason. Perhaps in the future I will have to do a lot of things alone and now is as good a time as any to get use to it.” I then felt so much stronger and said before leaving, “But beside all that, I know the Lord wants me there, so no matter how frighten I may be, I will be there.” I then left Jon standing alone and drove home.

I was so miserable but shortly after I arrived at the house, John Crane drove up. He said that Tony Feliz and Bob McIntier had rearranged tonight’s agenda so that he could go with me to Coronation to represent the church, and so I wouldn't have to go alone. I was so grateful I nearly cried with relief.

I fixed John Crane some lunch and visited with my wife until five o’clock when John and I left for Coronation. We both were quite apprehensive about what to expect, but almost immediately the Lord opened door after door for us. He had renewed my confidence and a great peace came over me. I was no longer afraid to go before this crowd of 1500 people at the Salt Palace ballroom. I felt the Lord's hand guiding me so strongly. I know now that the Lord had planned all along for John Crane and I to be together. I also know now why I was so upset about going to Coronation alone, because the Lord always sends missionaries out in pairs. It was good to have a companion to buoy each other up and we got to know each other and feel each other's Spirits throughout the night. We truly bonded together having gone through this little adventure together.

Anyways when it was time for our presentation, John and I marched up this ramp as the Master of Ceremonies read "The Church of Jesus Christ of All Latter Lay Saints, commonly known as the Restoration Church of Jesus Christ, wishes to express appreciation to the Royal Court of the Golden Spike Empire for their love and service to the Gay and Lesbian Communities of the Salt Lake Basin, and to honor you by bearing you these gifts!". This is what I felt prompted to write and we were the only organization to honor the Court rather then taking our time to hype our organization. We felt proud and it went beautifully. We even had people clapping for us which thrilled me to no end.

On the way over to the Salt Palace, before Coronation, I had said to John Crane, "The Lord wants us there because there is at least one person there who needs to hear about the Church.” The Lord blessed me tonight by letting me know who that one person was. It happened to be the usher who was directing the processions down the ramp. He had asked us to see him after the presentation because he said that he needed to know more about the Church. That was so wonderful.

However the biggest shock of the evening and one that nearly floored me was seeing Larry C. after all these years. Larry saw me walking the ramp and after presenting a gift to Emperor Bob and Clarisse, he came over to our table to see me. To say I was dazzled is to say the least. Oh wow! What a shocker. Larry and I were lovers at BYU during the springtime homosexual purge of 1976. I had saved his life after he tried to commit suicide when he was found out by BYU security. Standards had caught him in their net. Later that same spring, the LDS Church disfellowshipped me because I was in love with him. I had not seen him since that time, until today, nearly ten years to the day I last saw him. He's teaching now in Phoenix, Arizona and had brought his lover up to Salt Lake for the Coronation. I hugged the both of them and praised God in my heart for this closure of very painful part of my history.

It was a extraordinary night being at Coronation. John Crane and I were so filled with love and the spirit of Christ that strangers kept coming over to our table just to hug us. What a sweet experience it was and to think I was crying because I was so afraid to go!

I guess I should mentioned that there was no one to present Affirmation’s gifts because Russ Lane wasn't there, and the person he had asked to present them for him didn’t want to do it. He asked if I would so I lamely took the gifts myself up to Emperor Bob and Empress Claris and told them that they were from Affirmation. I felt like I needed to do this for Russ’s sake.

Anyway John Crane and I left after ten p.m. and the Coronation was still going strong. John is leaving out tomorrow to go back to L.A. so he needed to get some sleep. He's driving home by himself because Tony Feliz and David Ewing decided to remain in Salt Lake City for a while at Bob McIntier's place. I really love John Crane and told him so before he left. It turned out to be a really remarkable experience and I owe it to him and the Lord.

When I got home about eleven-thirty p.m., I called Russ up, thinking that I would just leave a message on his answering machine, letting him know that his presentation went well. I was really surprised when he answered the phone. Something bizarre, strange, transcendental, and mystical then enveloped Russ and I as we talked on the phone. Before we knew it we had talked for five and a half hours and it had seemed like minutes!

We were caught up in the Spirit is the only way to describe it. We had both received a simultaneous connection to the love for Jesus Christ and our own desire to bond with him in a way that no heterosexual could ever understand. The Pentecostal embrace that we were swept up into is so sacred that I don't think I will ever write down what happened that night to any one. I don’t think I could. It was beyond descriptive words. Suffice it to say that Russ received a witness that Jesus Christ lives through the testimony of the Holy Ghost.
Additional Material 25 May 1986 $117,286 GRANT AWARDED to COMBAT AIDS in UTAH (SLTribune B6-5) The Center For Disease Control gave Utah’s State Health Department a grant of $117,000 to develop programs aimed as preventing the spread of AIDS. Craig Nichols, state epidemiologist refused to print safe sex guides lines saying, “We will probably cover every area except the Safer Sex area…Most of the material that have been produced are too graphic for a state health department publication.” Nichols felt that explicit discussion of the risks of Gay sex must come from the Gay community itself, “I don’t feel like we bear the total responsibility. And so we’ll do things we know we can do and are acceptable. And other groups will have to fill in where they think there’s a deficit.” Dr. Patty Reagan of the Salt Lake AIDS Foundation argued “how badly we needed the help because the Gay community was working so hard to help itself" and Reagan was told by Nichols, “If the Gay Community can help itself, I don’t see why the state health department should be doing anything else.” (June 1986 Triangle)
• Hands Across America - At least 5,000,000 people form a human chain from New York City to Long Beach, California, to raise money to fight hunger and homelessness. "On the afternoon of Sunday, May 25, 1986, more than five million people joined hands to form a line that stretched 4,152 miles – from New York City's Battery Park to a pier in Long Beach, California. This nationwide event, called Hands Across America, was intended to raise money to fight hunger and homelessness." The event was a project of USA for Africa
• The Royal Court of the Golden Spike Empire held Coronation X at the Salt Palace. Theme was Around the World In 80 Days. Tickets were $16.00. Nearly 1,000 people attended. Outgoing Emperor Scott Stites X announced revisions to allow monarchs of previous years to seek reelection under special circumstances. He also called for an annual AIDS Awareness Week to be held each October for raising funds and spreading information about the deadly illness. Empress X Mother Bob announced that henceforth one dollar of each coronation ticket sold would go to the charity of the reigning monarch’s choice. This year the money was given to AIDS Project Utah. Robb Bullock was elected Emperor XI and Clarisse Cartier was elected Empress XI. Prince Royale XI was Bob Edwards and Princess Royale XI was Tasha Montiel. The Tenth Reigns Coronation colors were Pink, Teal, Blue, and Gold and their logo was a Hot Air Balloon.

28 May 1986 Wednesday
Today was Family Home Evening and we held it over at Bob Mclntier's home. We even had an investigator named Todd from Logan join our group tonight. David Ewing gave a lesson on a revelation and how Tony Feliz had received one concerning him. I thought to myself at the time, why is Tony receiving revelations about David? Tony shouldn't be receiving personal revelation for David unless he and David are lovers and even then it wouldn't be necessary for the Church to know about it and thus added to the Book of Hidden Truths and Treasures. But I think David and Tony have become lovers.

29 May 1986 Thursday:
I had Willy Marshall, Jon B., and Russ Lane over for dinner and afterwards while we were discussing politics Russ started yelling at me. His berating me really hurts my feelings. He later apologized but it makes me wonder what is there in me that sets him off so? He said that I remind him of his father, so does he hate his father so much?

30 May 1986 Friday:
Learned today that Carol Kessler died yesterday of a heart attack. She was only 37 years old. She had been on a strict diet and was using a diuretic. I guess she had potassium depletion. They said if she would have eaten just half a banana she would not have died. She worked in sales because she was so vibrant, and of course looks mean everything in sales. She was the first person at Utah Title who was nice to me, and my wife and she became friends last fall when we all were so broke that we were living mainly on zucchini and peaches from the garden. She was a single mom raising a couple of daughters.

My wife went down to Levan, Utah for the week­end and I'm glad she went. I need the time to think what to do about our marriage and I'm sure she does too. She and I have been discussing the break-up of our marriage this whole week.

After she left because I didn't want to be by myself I went over to 1st South to see Jon B. and I came upon Willie Marshall. Jon B. had us come in but said that he couldn't spend the night with me because Gordon and he are going through this huge break up, but Willy spoke up and said that he would. At home we stayed up late and cuddled. We talked about Russ and Jon for most of the night.

31 March 1986 Saturday:
The last day of May and it’s time to reflect. I had a spiritual feast at the beginning of the month going to California and all, but now I am very down. I have not heard from anyone from California and even Bob McIntier and Mike H. don't call. I feel like I'm always there for others but no one is really here for me.

Willy Marshall left in the morning and it was fantastic having him spend the night with me. I was melancholy and I didn't want to be in the empty house. Willy is a sweet man but there's no chemistry or attraction between us except for the natural expression of affection we have for each other because of our kind hearts. If anything, Willy makes me miss Russ Lane all the more knowing how much Russ likes Willy. "I might as well face it I'm addicted to love", as the song goes.

I went to Liberty Park in the afternoon to get out of the house, after going grocery shopping at Smith's on 9th and 9th, and dropping a pair of pants off at the dry cleaners. I encountered Beau Chaine at the park, lying out in the sun on a blanket. He asked me to join him so we lay in the sun together, when later this cute return missionary named Marty O. from Provo came and joined us. He was cruising Beau. We visited for a while and learned that Marty was a model. He was absolutely beautiful, blond and tall. Anyway he also said that he was just coming out so we told him about the Gay community in Salt Lake City. We cautioned him to stay away from the Bath Houses. He was a sweet natured boy.

After leaving the park, I came back to the house and waited for Jon B. to call or come over. He never did. I though Russ Lane might call me, for a ride to church tomorrow, but he didn't. I also thought Bob McIntier or Tony Feliz might call me about Sacrament Meeting but they didn't either. No one called all night as I sat in an empty house waiting by the phone for someone to call, except for my wife. So who really does love me?

I am not answering the phone tomorrow, or going to church. I need time to evaluate what is going on with me in my life. I am really upset with Bob and Tony. Why am I always on the outside looking in?

I finally had enough of being on the pity pot and went to a midnight showing of Rocky Horror Show at the Blue Mouse. I sat next to some guys I had met at Affirmation once. It was great as usual doing the Time Warp Again. It’s Just a Jump to the Left. Some times I feel as if I am in a time warp and “crawling on the planet’s face some insects called the human race lost in time and lost in space and meaning”.
Additional Material- "Live To Tell" by Madonna is number one song on national charts