1 November 1986 Saturday
Can you believe it? It’s the first of November already. I slept in until ten-thirty but still felt wasted from last night’s revelry. I didn’t really drink all that much yesterday only about three glasses of wine but still feel hung over.
I tried to clean the house some by taking down all the Halloween decorations and packing them away until next year. I was expecting My wife to drop by but she didn’t.
In the late afternoon around four-thirty I asked Billy B. to take me to the Cottonwood Mall because I wanted to go to Penny's to buy some pants. He took me out there but said he couldn’t stay because he had to meet with some clients. At the department store I bought 2 sweaters, a pair of black slacks, some socks. a white shirt, a red flannel shirts and some underwear all for under $100. I’m wearing a size 36 pants which a bit snuggy but light years from the size 46 I use to wear married to My wife.
I caught a bus home carrying my bundle and it was a very cold evening with the wild blowing wildly. I was glad to get home back to my warm cozy home about seven p.m. There I unwound by watching a little TV until Russ Lane came down around eight to do some ironing while watching Golden Girls. A Gay boy life revolves around watching the Golden Girls Saturday night don’t you know? While here he let me give him a nice body massage while we visited like we were old friends again. That was nice.
About ten p.m. Billy called me to ask me over for breakfast and I said why don't you come over here instead and I'll fix you breakfast in bed. I just didn't want to walk over to Billy's so early in the morning tomorrow but he was so adamant that I gave in and said okay. Well besides it is good for Billy to do things for me after all I do for him.
I ended up going to bed late about midnight. Well here it is November. Dark gloomy November. It won’t be long now until the snow will blow in and I am not ready for that no matter how many sweaters I buy. Not at all. There are some die hard leaves on the trees but Fall is truly here and taking its toll. The harvest is over and I have not nearly gathered up enough nuts.
I don’t know yet what I will do for Thanksgiving. I guess I’ll start rounding up the strays who have no place to go. Marc L. said he would like for us to come over to his place for Thanksgiving. Not so sure about that.
Additional Material: "True Colors" by Cyndi Lauper is number one song on national charts
• Rick Cochran stepped down as director of AIDS Project Utah due to health reasons and rift in the Gay Community over AIDS Awareness Week. The APU Board of Trustees appointed former assistant director, Ben Barr to be Rick Cochran’s successor. Barr was originally affiliated with the group as an emotional support volunteer.
2 November 1986 Sunday
I got up at seven-thirty am to get ready to go over to Billy's for breakfast at eight. I stopped at Smith's Food King on the way however to buy a pizza because he was joking yesterday about wanting pizza for breakfast. When I reached Billy's place he was still taking a shower so I let myself in and it was nearly nine before he even got around to fixing breakfast. I should have stayed in bed.
Anyways he fixed us an egg omelet along with the Pizza I brought over. He also made a drink out of pomegranate juice which tasted like grass. Bizarre. But that's life with Billy.
We began to visit and I made him nervous by sitting so close to him and he said to me, "Don't fall in love with me." I retorted don't worry you have been replaced by Rand B. Rand is the heart throb of my life now." Anyway I was at his place until noon. I gave him a massage and had some light fun teasing Billy. Billy is fun.
Billy wanted me to go with him to go get his VW Rabbit that he had left near the cottonwood Mall where he ran out of gas yesterday coming back from dropping me off there. His mountain bike had been in the back of his car so he rode that on home. Billy makes his life so complicated. Why doesn't he let me help take care of him?
Anyways we drove his van down to get his car and I drove the Rabbit back up to his apartment. After that I just went home to take a nap but Mike A. came over instead. We visited and had fun calling the Gay Date line where Mike urged me to put my name and number on it. I felt really stupid afterwards but oh well. It’s done. We will see what happens.
After that we left to go pick up Lamont D for Affirmation because tonight was Pot Luck. I brought a pizza. I really like Lamont as a friend; he’s clever, funny, and so sweet.
Anyway Affirmation was a blast with sixty-two people there! I counted them. The only downer of the evening was seeing Boyd Paul there and him acting aloof and distant to me. I guess I’m still hung upon him. On the whole it was good to see my friends. I wore my leather headband and when people ask what’s up with that I say its my tribute to leather. Its about all I can handle.
Anyway after the meeting I was exhausted but went to Backstreet anyhow because Mike A. and Lamont wanted to get a drink. I saw Marilyn and Guy Larson there and we all sat together and visited. I even danced a little. God I’m exhausted.
Additional Material Utah Epidemiologist Out Lines the Risk of AIDS (Salt Lake Tribune B2)by Anne Palmer Medical Writer- Public health officials in Utah however, have been hesitant to categorize intimate activities. As far as Dr. Nichols is concerned the only safe practices are celibacy and mutual monogamy among non infected individuals. “anything else except those two practices does have some unquantified risks.”, he points out. Dr. Nichols had previously been criticized for being overly cautious in his analysis of AIDS transmission and admits that his celibacy and monogamy statements as “Ultra-conservative.”
AIDS Project Enlightens (Salt Lake Tribune B2) National news organizations were apparently impressed this past week with Utah for hosting national experts for AIDS Awareness Week. Thursday’s New York Time featured a lengthy story saying the state’s Mormon leaders could no loner deny the presence of homosexuality in the community. State epidemiologist Craig Nichols said the state had been criticized by the New York AIDS Foundation and subsequently the Center of disease Control for failing to provide public funds. “At the time we felt AIDS Project Utah was a fledgling organization and we were not going to pass out funds until we were sure they had a board of directors which had some goals consistent with our objectives.” After the week’s lecture series, Dr. Nichols said, I believe the greatest value of AIDS Awareness Week was that individuals in our community who are at highest risk of acquiring infection are taking action on their own to educate the public and their own group members.
3 November 1986 Monday
What a bitch of a day at work. The computer was screwed up almost all day so couldn’t get my searches done. It was Jon B.’s first day as an examiner I wonder how he liked it.
After work I briefly saw Russ Lane coming back from a job interview which made me miss having him here at Utah Title.
In the evening I had to do a load of wash before going to LGSU at seven-thirty. Brook H. gave Mike P. and I a ride up. I think Mike was stoned again or at least he was acting like he was high. The LGSU meeting was on what our “wants” are. A piece of paper was passed out to everyone to anonymously right our replies. I only wrote one word on my paper,” serenity”. Most of the rest of the group, but not all, only wanted materialistic possessions.
I loved getting out of the house. Anyway right before leaving for LGSU, I get this phone call from someone that sounded like Mike P. on my message box on the dating service. I thought it was Mike and that he was playing a joke on me so I was being really rude and flippant when it turned out that this guy was for real and that his name was Dan! He had called me in response to my message on the date line. He said that he was 24 years old, going to Utah tech majoring in accounting. He sounded fun so I said I’d meet him at the Coachman Restaurant on State and 13th for a date tomorrow.
I wonder what is in the works for me. I am exhausted and it’s near midnight so I’ve got to get to bed.
• Additional Material The Lebanese magazine Ash-Shiraa reported that the United States has been selling weapons to Iran in secret in order to secure the release of 7 American hostages held by pro-Iranian groups in Lebanon which began the Contra Iran Scandal.
• The Lesbian and Gay Student Union of the University of Utah elected Richard R. Hefner as new president replacing Jim Hunsaker. Curtis Jensen and Daniel Humphrey were elected co-vice presidents.
4 November 1986 Tuesday
Another bitch of a day with the computers down for most of the day.
I am looking forward to my blind date with Dan tonight. I don’t know what I expected but it wasn’t what I expected. He was a sweet man but a little too much of a queen for me. We visited at the Crossroads Mall for about two hours but just didn’t really click. Well if you don’t date you won’t find Mr. Right if there is such a creature.
I saw Marc L. today and he came by and retrieved his drag accouterments I borrowed for Halloween. He was in a good mood and was great being with him.
My wife called today also and said that she needed some money for the storage unit.
I am kind of tired tonight. I think I am getting a little cold because I am feeling run down.
Jon B. is with Willy Marshall at the Libertarian headquarters for election night results. I wonder how LaRouche is doing in California.
I’ve got to write some dates down to remember appointments. Sunday the 9th I am having Curtis Jensen from LGSU, and Brook H. and Nancy P. over for dinner at 2:00. On Wednesday the 12th I am going with Lamont D to usher for Saturday’s Voyeur. I would like to find someone to share my life with but I am happy. I do miss having someone to love. Russ Lane, Rand B, John H., John F. C.. Shit! Forget it and go to bed.
Additional Material The gay community of California successfully defeated two LaRouche initiatives that propose quarantining Californians with AIDS and HIV. Out of this effort came the first statewide advocacy group for gay and lesbian civil rights -- the Lobby for Individual Freedom and Equality (LIFE Lobby).
• Saturday’s Voyeur: Christmas Roadshow '86 Originally created by Nancy Borgenicht and Michael Buttars. Additional Material 1979-1986 by Nancy Borgenicht and Edward J. Gryska
5 November 1986 Wednesday
Work was a little better today because the computer was up and running. I am feeling run down like I am trying to come down with a cold. My throat is a little sore. I probably caught a bug walking home last night.
I had a phone call at eight-thirty a.m. from some guy named Dave on the dating service. He never called back, and at noon a kid named Frank called and wanted me to come over to meet him and when I did he wasn’t there so he was playing games I suppose. So far I am not terribly impressed with dating over the phone. But it’s something different I suppose.
After work I went to open up the Crossroads Urban Center for a MADGAL meeting. Beauchaine lead the meeting and about ten guys showed up. After the meeting we changed the charter a bit by throwing out the words spiritual and replaced them with the word “awareness” at Brook, Beau, and Derek K’s suggestions.
I think Mark is a real sleaze and I am so glad no to be involved with him.
6 November 1986 Thursday
I tore my left contact lens while cleaning them yesterday so I tried calling around to price a replacement. America’s Best on 72nd South is the best price but I won’t be able to pick them up until December 5th. I guess I’ll have to get use to wearing my glasses gain.
Work was a bitch again with the computers crashing for most of the day and on top that it snowed for most of the day! The first snow fall. I hate it.
At home I am getting weird phone calls again from the dating service. This guy from the avenues wants me to sleep with both him and his girlfriend! He says that his girlfriend wants to watch two guys and then get fucked herself. What a fantasy for a bisexual male. Then this other guy named Tom wants to meet me so I invited him over thinking we could talk, visit and watch little TV and then if anything connects who knows? But he shows upon my doorstep drunk, comes inside the apartment and says to me,” I want you to rape me I am so horny!” I thought get real but he’s so hot to get raped and hey that’s not my scene. So I jacked him off, to get him off, to get him out of my place and send him packing! Geez Louise! No more dating over the phone!
Additional Material Three Advise City-Council to Create Salt Lake Commission on Human Rights An expansive ordinance to deal with discrimination was presented to the Salt Lake City Council Thursday. In a briefing that went unexpectedly quick, gay rights activist David k. Nelson, Utah ACLU Executive director Shirley Pedler, and Hispanic attorney Carlos Chavez outlined the needs and uses of the ordinance. The proposal called for creating a five member commission to hear complaint about discrimination through the city. The city council asked its staff to review the idea and return with a recommendation in less then three months. Mr. Nelson a candidate against council woman Sydney Fonnesbeck in the last city election said he researched the ordinance for two years. He said such commissions already exist in Phoenix, Reno, and Pocatello. After the council meeting however he said if his proposal were adopted it would give Salt lake City the nations most powerful Human Rights Commission. Asked whether this might be too broad, he believes it would be improper to dilute the power to protect the rights addressed in the ordinance. Specifically it addresses age, color, disability, marital status, national origin, race, religion, sex, and sexual orientation. One of the elements that makes his version particularly strong is its intention to regulate violations city wide an not strictly those for city government. Mr. Nelson said this is necessary because the Unites States Civil rights Commission, which has handled such situations is planned for extinction. The only other agency dealing with it is the Utah Industrial Commission’s Anti-discrimination Division and it deals primarily with employment problems. Ms. Pedler who for nearly a dozen years has directed the local American Civil Liberties Union office urged the council to approve the idea. She said the need for the ordinance is apparent through complaints her office receives. Mr. Nelson estimated creation of Human Rights Council would cost Salt Lake City $150,000 to $200,000 annually. He stressed the figures was a guess. David Nelson encouraged the SLC council to adopt a Human Rights Bill protecting the rights of minority group members including Gays. Bill was supported by attorney Carlos Chavez and Shirley Pedler director of Utah’s chapter of ACLU however again SLC attorney, Roger Cutler called the bill an obvious attempt to “substantially alter protection for persons practicing homosexuality.” Roger Cutler called the bill an obvious attempt to “substantially alter protection for persons practicing homosexuality.”
7 November 1986 Friday
I only worked until one-thirty because Bob E. sent me home because the computers were still down for most of the day. I’ll have to come in tomorrow but that’s okay because having taken off early I took the bus to the U of U Campus Career center to look up what I would have to do to teach overseas.
I spent a little time with Russ Lane helping him rewrite a letter to the editor.
It snowed off and on all day but didn’t stick. Darrell H came in from Idaho about six to spend the weekend at my place. He wanted to go to the Deerhunter but that was kind of a dud. So we then went to the movies and saw Ferris Buehler’s Day Off. It was really cute.
After the show, we went to Backstreet where we danced a little. I didn’t see anyone I knew. Then a snow storm blew in and we went to Denny’s for a late night snack. I had a bowl of chili and some onion rings.
Darrell is a sweet man but there’s absolutely nothing between us. We are way different. I don’t know how to let him know that we can’t ever be anything more than friends.
He brought me down fifty pounds of potatoes from Idaho! Geez Louise! Golly he knows how to court a gal. Besides the potatoes there’s a ceramic mashed potato bowl he made himself in the shape of…you guessed it- a potato!
I know he enjoys my company far more then I do his and you can’t be mean to some one because of that. However when I’m with him, I can’t help but be thinking I want to be with someone else.
But I am kind, so here I sit smiling at his russet potato jokes, his million stories about his mission to Brazil, and growing up and teaching in Idaho. It’s going to be a long weekend.
8 November 1986 Saturday
I got up this morning at seven after only about six hours f sleep. I wanted to go into work early any way to take a break from Darrell H. He’s driving me nuts.
I worked from eight until noon and then had to come home. Darrell wanted to take me out to lunch for letting him stay with me. We went to La Frontera’s on 4th South and about 15th west. I really deserve being taken for lunch because I had to work for it by listening to Darrell’s non stop gab session.
After lunch we went over to Price Savers on thirty-fifth South so that Darrell could price VCR’s. Price Saver’s had a Samsung’s VCR for $229 which is a great buy. I want to get one for myself for Christmas if I can save the money.
Anyway after coming home, he wanted me to watch Kiss of the Spider Woman with him, but I was so tired I really couldn’t enjoy it.
Around six I went upstairs to Russ Lane’s apartment just to get a way from Darrell for awhile. I was going nuts. Russ said he understood because Darrell came by while I was at work and Russ had his fill of him then. In the evening I begged Jon B. and Mike A. to come over so I wouldn’t have to be alone with him. They did and we all watched a little TV especially the Golden Girls, which was a bout a Lesbian friend of the Bea Arthur’s character. It was so funny.
About eight-thirty we started watching some porno films but couldn’t taken them too seriously and kept making jokes with Mike A. about the action. I was nearing exhaustion by ten and the last I knew Darrell, Jon, and Mike were still watching porn’s after I went to bed.
I like Gay films as much as the next guy but couldn’t get too excited with Darrell here. Having a VCR in the house made me really want to get one. The weather is nippy out.
Additional Material "Amanda" by Boston is number one song on national charts.
9 November 1987 Sunday
Let me just say right off that it was an El Bizarro Day. I got up about eight-thirty to straighten the place for my dinner party today and to get some of the preparation out of the way. Yesterday I made the peach cobbler and soaked the chicken in milk and eggs. So this morning I coated them in seasoned flour and peeled the potatoes to get ready to boil. My menu is Southern Fried Chicken, Biscuits, gravy, creamed corn, mashed potatoes, and peach cobbler. I had the Temple of Doom playing on the VCR while cooking and cleaning.
Thank goodness Darrell H left this morning to head down to Provo to see his daughter at BYU so that got him out of my hair for a while, or at least until dinner at two.
So I was free of his corny jokes, and his puppy dog shadowing of me for most of the day.
I talked to My wife for a bit and she said she was hired by the IRS in Provo. She also said that she’s had the car tuned and serviced so she’s doing well. Best news is she said that’s she should be able to start helping with the bills soon. Thank goodness!
Anyway around two Russ Lane happened to drop by and after spying my culinary preparations I invited him to dinner too. I knew there would be enough to feed a small army and besides Mike A. had called earlier to say that Lamont D said he had to cancel because he had to go up to Park City.
So for Sunday dinner at my place today I had Mike A., Russ Lane, Billy B., Darrell H, Curtis Jensen, Brook H., and Nancy P. I went up to invite Jon B. to join us but he wasn't home so that was all of us.
I had everything ready by two but by two-thirty Brook, Nancy, and Curtis still hadn't arrived so I had the rest eat before the food got cold. Billy B. was so sweet to me all day and it made me fall in love with him all over again. It was neat having Russ Lane and Billy B., two people I really love, together for a Sunday dinner.
I really didn't feel much like eating so I sat on the couch with Mike A. as Russ, Bill, and Darrell chattered away in Spanish. Mormons have absolutely no manners. You should never carry on a conversation where some in the group are excluded. Neither Mike nor I knew enough Spanish to carry on a conversation so we felt like bumps on a log.
Finally by three Brook and Nancy showed up with Curtis and I had them sit down and I dished them up what was left of dinner which I tried to keep warm. I acted the gracious hot and pretended that we had started early and that they weren’t late.
While we were all visiting in our little group, a real coincidence occurred! By happenstance Russ Lane mentioned that he was from cedar City Iowa originally and Brook then exclaimed that she was raised there herself and had even attended Jefferson High, the same high school Russ attended although at different times. However the real kicker is that Brook said she was in love with the girl’s high school gym teacher who happened to have been Russ Lane’s mother! While Russ’ mother is in no way Gay, Brook said that Mrs. Lane was her first Lesbian Role model and had the worse crush on her! Meg Christensen’s Ode to a Gym Teacher was exactly how Brook felt about Russ’ mother! Isn’t that a hoot!
Russ had almost not come to dinner because I had inadvertently hurt his feelings when I invited him by saying that he couldn’t talk religion at the party. That was a stupid ass thing for me to say and later I went up to his place and apologized. I asked him to forgive me and please come to dinner. Just think if I wouldn’t have gone after Russ, Brook and he may have never made this connection. The Mormon Church is a small world but the Gay Mormon community is smaller still.
One of the reasons I had asked Brook and Nancy over in the first place was to read my poems to them. I even read the one about Billy called HAPPY BIRTHDAY, which was about Billy's abysmal behavior last September. Billy was here to hear it. Too bad. It's just a work of literature now and he did inspire it.
Brook, Nancy, and Curtis had to lave at five to head down to KRCL where they were being interviewed for some reason on Concerning Gays and Lesbians. It was about that time that the others started drifting off too. Russ had to go get ready for Affirmation and Billy left saying that he had to go home and write letters. Soon it was just Mike A., Darrell H, and me. Fortunately Russ had asked Darrell to pick up some kid who needed a ride to Affirmation so I was spared another round of Idaho spud jokes. Mike A. also left saying that he had promised to give Steve Oldroyd a ride to Affirmation.
I didn’t feel like going. I wanted to rest and spend some time alone without Darrell hanging on to me. So while everyone was away I watched Temple of Doom again and some porno flicks.
About nine-thirty Mike A. appears with a whole troop from Affirmation, including Ken “SugarTush” Francis, Jeff M, Guy Larsen, and this kid named Juan. We continued to watch some of the porno flicks I had been viewing until Guy Larson said he had to take off. When he left some of the guys kind of drifted into the back bedroom. When I went back, Mike A. turned off the lights and lit a candle. We visited in the candlelight and it felt like I suppose a Boy Scout campout would but have never been a scout I couldn’t really say.
We told some horror stories about being Gay at BYU, and later Mike asked if I would share some of my poetry which I read to them by candlelight. I was sitting basically in the dark next to Ken this really hot 24 year old returned missionary and I could feel hands that were not my own exploring intimate parts of my body. Knowing what was inevitable I suggested that we push the twin beds together and within seconds we were all on top on a king size bed, scrabbling to take our clothes off. We were laughing and saying we can’t believe this is happening.
Soon the five of us were naked, lying on the bed feeling each other up. I really was attracted to Ken and had always wanted to know what it would be like being with him so I took this opportunity to find out by performing fellatio on him. the other rascals were trying to make me laugh and let me tell you it’s hard with your mouth full.
I was democratic and went back and forth from Ken to Jeff but wouldn’t have sex with Mike A. It would have been too weird because he is like my best friend, or younger brother, or even closer sisters! Eventually Juan lost interest in us and wandered out to the front room to go solo on the couch while finishing up the porno flicks. We however were just having the gayest time, enjoying each other’s company, reveling in our maleness, and cementing our friendship bonds with our own body fluids like horny hornets. It was a crazy spur of the moment midnight madness. It was a mass confusion of firm hairy legs and smooth thighs.
Finally by two-thirty a.m. we were spent; with me blowing Ken, Ken blowing Mike, and Mike blowing Jeff. I didn’t care if I climaxed or not since I had already spewed earlier before the party when I had been alone watching the flicks. Mike and Ken came simultaneously which was thrilling to behold and Jeff came moments later.
I went and retrieved a wet warm towel and washed each lover in turn. It was a magical experience and I believe we all had a good time, enjoying our passions. I dare say no one will ever believe that the five of us from Affirmation had sex together.
After Ken, Jeff, and Juan took off Mike and I were too wired to sleep so we drove down to Redwood Road and 21st South where Guy Larson was working a graveyard shift at a 7-11. We imps rubbed it in what happened after he left for work. He just laughed.
After that we headed back to the Juel apartment and watched The Women on Darrell’s VCR until four-thirty when I told Mike I had to get some sleep. I left him staring at Rosalind Russell giving beaver shots and crawled into bed exhausted. It was a long, long day.
Additional Material-Dr. Kristen Ries MD, a specialist who was a fellow in infectious disease at the Women Medical College of Pennsylvania where she graduated Cum Laud, spoke to Wasatch Affirmation. She came to Salt Lake in 1981 where she opened a private practice. Extensive involvement with AIDS patients gave her a unique insight into the personal as well as clinical aspects of the AIDS crisis. She spoke to Wasatch Affirmation about the human aspect of the AIDS epidemic.
• HAPPY BIRTHDAY by Ben Williams
Billy, darling, Billy
Happy, Happy Birthday
Wasn’t it fun
Billy, Darling, Billy
Where were you on Sunday?
white wine flowing,
pretty and new
specially for you.
Graham cracker crust
Spiced with cinnamon
New England Style
Sea crackers, all crispy
ready for the pot
white and pink
Crinkled potato chips
Goblets to be filled
Waiting, yes, waiting,
My Sweet Billy, dear
so brightly and clear
Shadows come creeping
So slowly seeping
Slipping past curtains
As I lay sleeping
Pools of wax forming
From candles still glowing
Liquid light glimmering
In the dark shimmering
Billy, darling, Billy
Happy Happy Birthday
It was fun
Billy, Darling Billy
Where were you on Sunday?
Feeling so foolish
Feeling such fear
Feeling it’s true
You don’t love me dear
Drip, drip, drip
The wax gives out
Dim, Dim, Dim
The glow goes out
Will love come
I have my doubts
10 November 1986 Monday
I was wakened by Mike P. knocking on my living room door at eight. He was lit, so I told him I was too groggy to talk and to come back later. At nine Darrell H came by to retrieve his VCR because he was heading back to Idaho. Please dear God, help Darrell found true love and suitable work in Idaho so he will stay there.
I couldn’t go back to sleep after that so I tried to pick up the first layer a little while Mike A. slept the sleep of angels. Mike P. returned at eleven but I am sorry, I am not sure I like him anymore. He get’s tight, then critical of me. He drank almost a whole pint of vodka that I hadn’t even opened!
I guess he had no place to go so wanted to tag along with Mike A. and I today. We went to Price Saver’s out on thirty-fifth South and 9th West where I was able to get a great deal on an answering machine. I paid $65 for it and it’s really cool and I am so happy with it. Mike A. and I played around with recording a message. The one I left was “No this isn’t Dairy Queen or Burger King but if you have a Whopper and want it you way leave a message.”
I am so tired and just want to crash but will continue. After hooking up my answering machine, Mike A., Mike P., and I went over to Mike A’s place to watch some cable TV. Mainly ended up watching MTV which I haven’t been able to watch for nearly a year! I was so tired at Mike’s I nearly fell asleep so Mike A. took Mike P. and me home around five.
There I got ready for LGSU. Mike lay on the couch and watched some TV. I just don’t think I like Mike P. much when he’s drunk. He’s so into himself and no one else.
I talked to Jon B. only briefly before heading out for LGSU. He had a fight with Lon Wright last Saturday night and is on the outs. I left Mike watching the flickering TV and took off for campus.
LGSU was extremely interesting. Brook H. gave a lesson on a book she had found in a used book store called, “The Color of Love.” It helped explain what type of “lover” you are by answering a questionnaire profile. The premise of the book is that there are a variety of different forms of love but since we have but one word for love, it doesn’t not explain how we love. The author stated that for the purpose of his book he stated that there are eight types of lovers: Eros, Ludus, Storge, Pragma, Mania, and Agape.
An Eros love is the love of ideal beauty, Ludus is playful love like Casanova, Storge is friendship love, Pragma Love is a realistic or practical like a marriage of convenience, Mania is an obsessive love, and Agape is dutiful love. A Pragma lover is looking for compatibility. A Storge lover wants companion friendship like brothers and sisters. Mania Eros is the idealistic type lover who falls in love at first sight. Guess what I am? Mania Eros damn it! In other words I fall in love completely, unconditionally, and obsessively. Most everyone else at LGSU were either Pragma Lovers or Ludic Eros Lovers, those who can be attracted to multiple partners as long as they remain playful and not serious.
This kid named Tom gave me a ride home from LGSU and about ten-thirty I get this phone call from the gay dating service that both Mike A. and I joined. This guy named Ray said that he wanted to meet me so like an idiot I said “sure”. So, then I rode my bike up B Street in the Lower Avenues to the guy’ apartment. I was stunned when he opened the door and found that Ray was a real sleaze. I said this is not what I had in mind and rode my bike back on home. He said that he was a “bisexual” and wanted me to have sex with him and his girlfriend. I wouldn’t have slept with him or his girl friend for a $1000! Geez Louise! On the way home I thought I was going to freeze my nuts off. It was thirty-five degrees out and with the wind factor from riding my bike down hill it was probably in the teens. I am going to bed! Finally! And its after midnight already.
Additional Material- Lee, John Alan The Colors of Love, A Psychology Today Book, Prentice-Hall, Inc., Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey 1976
11 November 1986 Tuesday
I love my answering machine. I love screening calls. I love listening to recorded messages. I feel like I am a full fledged faggot with my own telephone answering machine.
I didn’t have to work today because of Veteran’s Day, so I had Troy N. and Jon B. over to fix them breakfasts. I made biscuits and gravy.
In the afternoon Mike A. dropped by and he offered to take me grocery shopping again. He’s come down with a cold too. We stopped by his friend, Marilyn, to give her tickets for Wednesday's performance of Saturday’s Voyeur. Other then that I spent much of the day trying to clean the place but really didn’t get much accomplished.
At six-thirty, Mike came by again to take me over to Lamont D where he read me my fortune with his Tarot Cards. We couldn’t stay long because Mike had to get ready for tonight’s show. We just walked from Lamont’s which was just a couple of blocks to the Salt Lake Acting Company on 5th North and 2nd West.
I ushered for the performance taking tickets, and showing people top their seats but once the show began I was able to sit down and watch. It was absolutely wonderful and one of the funniest shows I have ever seen any where. Mike plays a Mormon Missionary and is so talented. Becky Meacham, as “Althora” the mother of the Mormon brood, was simply fantastic. The show stopper however was the ending when Meacham walks on stage wearing a larger then life beehive hair-do replete with a miniature of Temple Square. It was so outrageous that one can not appreciate the effect unless you see it.
12 November 1986 Wednesday
I went back to work today and Bob E. was such a shit to me. He said he wasn’t going to pay me for coming in last Saturday. I really got into a fight with him over it. I can stand the weasel. I think Bob is going to do away with my department so I may have to go back to examining, or into recording. Other then that nothing really new at work.
I am still feeling groggy from my cold but I was able to get in the mail a poem I wrote for the Triangle Magazine. I sent in my poem entitled, “I’ve Got the Gay Bar Blues”. I also sent in an advertisement for MADGAL.
In the evening just watched Hammer, Magnum P.I. and some other trash on TV while I worked on some Poems tentatively titled, A Fool, and Wounded Heart.
About ten p.m. Billy B. dropped by to show off his new haircut. I thought it was cute but he thought it was too short. He's going to be on KSL's Prime Time Access which will feature his wood carvings. He was excited and wanted to tell someone. Richard L.'s roommate Jim R works for KSL and he's the one that helped get Billy on the air.
I fixed Billy some supper, not much just corn chowder and some hard rolls. I am still very much in love with Billy B. but how can I tell him? It will just scare him off. I'm nothing more than a comfortable overstuff chair to him. I'm there when he needs to relax and unwind. I guess that should be enough. But when he says he has another boyfriend, I act like I don't care, however the pain is real. Should I pitch a fit and throw his ass out? No. That's just spiteful. He still is my friend and just because my feelings are stronger for him than his are for me, doesn't mean I should punish him for not returning my feelings. I just want to hold him again like I use to and make love to him.
When Lamont Draney read my fortune out of his tarot cards yesterday, I said I wished that Billy would love me, but the cards said that I'd be disappointed if I got my wish. That's probably truer than I know.
Additional Material- Gay Love at BYU by Ben Williams
I see blue, blue eyes framed in long, long lashes
Gleaming teeth flashing; wickedly smiling
Sitting near him with knees so slightly touching,
Resting, telling me, more than lying lips denying
Could say to me
I lean ever so slightly forward; arms lightly touching,
resting, suggesting more then lying lips denying
Could ever say to me.
I cautiously, nervously, glance at him
The light is growing dim
My eye catches blue eyes
cautiously, nervously, glancing back at me
We both cough, we adjust, as if we must
And we lean, into each other as bookends
Supporting each other
Two brothers hoping no one’s reporting
Our postures sitting in the dark, knees pressed together
As the celluloid film flickers, I don’t feel wicked, just alive
I don’t know what this means
This scene, does he the same?
Its makes for a dangerous game
Me with sweaty palms,
careful not to alarm,
to show signs of panic
As my heart soars, even roars,
do these risky antics
Send shivers, quivers to his soul also?
Does he feel whole, connected, complete,
this vague masculine touching, sweet indiscretion
The lights flash on and now he is gone
I reassume the role of an empty hole,
an empty soul
13 November 1986 Thursday
Same old crap at work. In the evening just stayed home and watched The Bill Cosby Show, Cheers, and Family Ties. I also tried to clean my house since I can’t get any elves to do the dishes while I sleep. I still spent most of the night writing poetry, and editing what I have already written.
Billy B. surprised me by coming over yesterday to get approval on his new buzz hair cut. All his long blond mop is gone. I wish he would have given me a snippet of it. Yesterday while I was combing and brushing his hair, I knew I was still in love with him. When he left, he kissed me on the forehead. What does that mean? I know Billy loves me but isn't in love with me. Perhaps I just love Billy too and am not in love with him. Who am I fooling?
Mike A. called this evening and said that his cold is still bad so that’s why he hasn’t been out and about except to perform in Saturday Voyeur. He said he still needed some one to usher tomorrow night and I said I would if Jon B. doesn’t come through.
In the news President Reagan was caught illegally selling arms to Iran in exchange for some hostages held in Lebanon. I don’t know why everyone is so upset to find out that he’s a liar? He’s a Republican isn’t he?
14 November 1986 Friday
It was payday finally and I cleared $570 with which I went and opened a new checking account because my First American Credit Union is all screwed up. I found a bank with free checking called Guardian Bank down on 2nd South and 2nd East. The weather was so nice that I rode my ten speed downtown where I also dropped in Weinstocks to see Rand B. He acted so happy to see me and invited me over tomorrow to watch some videos. He told me I could bring a friend so I invited Jon B. but he already had a prior commitment with his family in Centerville that night. However Jon said he would help me tomorrow morning move some desks and furniture at the Sunstone Magazine’s office for Elbert Peck. The magazine is moving their offices to the Rio Grande Train Station on 4th West and 3rd South. Tonight he said he is ushering for Mike A. at a performance of Saturday’s Voyeur so I won’t have to.
I stayed home all evening watching a little TV but mostly typing my poems and stories. I enjoy sitting on the floor in my cozy little apartment using my coffee table as a work station while listening to the FM. Some songs that are out right now that I really like are the Bangles’ “Walk Like an Egyptian”, Robert Plant’s “Didn’t Mean to Turn You On”, Billy Joel’s “It’s a Matter of Trust”, and Carly Simon’s “Coming Around Again”.
15 November 1986 Saturday
I didn’t get out of bed until after seven-thirty after not getting to bed until so late last night. Only reason I was up at all was to go with Jon B. to meet with Elbert Peck downtown. We had made commitment to help Elbert move stuff at the old offices of the Sunstone Magazine on 1st South above the Dinwiddie’s Store or near it. It was a lot of heavy lifting and I really broke a sweat but I love Elbert and this is for him.
I still have my cold so I only worked until about eleven when I said I had to leave to meet some one which I did. I walked across the street to the Crossroad’s mall to Weinstocks to see Rand B who works there. It was kind of a disappointing meeting. Sometimes he acts excited to see me, then at other times he acts so demure. I can’t figure him out. Anyway he did say the invitation to come over this evening was still on.
I then went home, typed up some poetry, and took a long hot steamy bath because my muscles were sore from the heavy lifting I did this morning.
In the evening I borrowed the company car to go out to Adrian R and Rand B’s place on 7th East and about 39th South. I put gas in the car and bought some Berry Coolers to take out there. I had just a little trouble finding the place, and was really looking forward to spending the evening with them, but when I arrived I found that I wasn’t the only guest. Two women and a guy I kind of knew named Richard M was also there. I was a little disappointed because I had planned on spending the evening alone with Adrian and Rand.
Anyway the condo looked with a Nordstrom’s Showroom full of mirrors, gilded this and that, and glass. Too elegant for my taste. I like things homier but Adrian and Rand were the complementary host I must say. The plans for the evening were to watch a video of King Kong, the original version on their VCR. I also thought we were there to have fun but I guess I was making too many comments about the film because everyone politely ignored me and acted like they were annoyed that I was talking through the movie. Finally after getting shushed once too often by Richard and the Dykes, I said, “Excuse me but King Kong has only been around for over fifty years and I thought everyone knew the plot by now!” I excused myself then and went home. Piss elegant fairies.
• Additional Material Episcopal Bishop Urges Churches to Help AIDS Patients The Right Reverend George Bates newly ordained Episcopal Bishop of Utah spoke of those terminally ill with AIDS saying they are among those who need ministering the most. Jesus Christ was on earth to minister to the sick not to those who are well. (Salt Lake Tribune Article B13)
• "Amanda" by Boston is number one song on national charts
• Associated Press wire service carried story by Roger Young about Gay persecution at Brigham Young University. In spite of slight improvements, persecution of homosexuals continued to haunt many Gay students attending BYU. The article recounted BYU’s zealous campaign against homosexuals in the mid-1970’s which consisted of tracing license plates from Gay SLC bars, taping phone conversations, “aversion therapy” which involved giving electric shocks to a student while exposing him to Gay pornography. Homosexuals Endure at BYU Despite a Strict Code of Honor In many ways Glenn is a model BYU student. He’s in the Elder’s Quorum Presidency of his Mormon Church Ward, and a veteran of a two year church mission to South America where he held several leadership positions. But contrary to the strongly held tenets of the faith, which owns and operates BYU, Glen also is a homosexual. And Glenn says he is far from being alone in the Gay lifestyle at BYU despite the aversion for homosexuals held by the Mormon Church. People would be surprised at the number of Gays at BYU he said. It is way over a 1000 out of 26,000 students attending classes at the central Utah school. BYU has all its students sign a Code of Honor which in part states that anyone caught involved in a homosexual act could be expelled. The church teaches that not only is homosexuality a grievous sin but it can be overcome. Glen and other homosexuals who consented to interview if their full names were not used disagree. The believe that they were born Gay and have no choice in their sexual preference for men. School spokesman Paul Richards acknowledged that homosexuality is noting new for BYU. However he said the school’s treatment of Gays is changing. There is more of a “let’s talk about” about it attitude now,” he said. “I would say there is a more understanding approach used now.” During the late 1970’s BYU came under fire for its use of aversion therapy in its treatment of homosexuals. Richards said while there were other college campuses experimenting with the same thing, “BYU did get a black eyes for that.” Keith, a Salt Lake City native, said he volunteered for the therapy while attending BYU. “First they made me watch a Gay Pornography flick and everything I got aroused they would shock me.” He called. This was followed by an explicit heterosexual love scene without the electrical shock he said. “They made me feel like I was Pavlov’s dog.” Keith said. After several months of treatment, he was considered “cured”. But three months later, he moved in with an older man who is still his lover. Dr. Clyde Sullivan, director of Counseling and Development at BYU says aversion therapy is no longer used at the university. “I don’t believe in aversion therapy,” he said. “I don’t believe in hurting people to bring about change. My observation is that it does damage. Homosexuality is a behavior not a condition. It’s not a broken leg that can easily be mended,” Sullivan said. “However, I believe human beings can shape their lives,” he stated,
”Fundamentally, I believe we can bring we can bring about change. But it requires hard work on the part of the therapist, the client, and society. He also said that rumors that gay students who came in for counseling will be reported to the school administration is unfounded. We operate with a confidential and privilege communication, Sullivan said. If one of my stuff turned a student in, they would be in danger of losing their license and could be fired. Several ex BYU students remember the extremes that the school went to in what they refer to as the “purge of 75-76”. During that period several homosexuals were expelled some of them claiming they weren’t even allowed the chance to defend themselves. Daren now a Salt Lake City business man said that although he is a homosexual while at BYU he was celibate and never and never broke the Honor Code. He believes the school’s Standard Office which enforces the code, got his name from Gay friends. It was incredible. One day I was a student and the next day I was out.” Daren remembered. Richards said it was true the school was once zealous in ferreting out homosexuals.” During the late 70’s the security officers was going to Salt Lake and getting license plate number’s off cars with BYU stickers parked outside of Gay bars.” He said. “I think at the time there was even taping conversations. However when then President Dalin Oaks found out about it, he put an end to it post haste.” Now if a student is discovered to be a homosexual he is referred to the Standards Office and his Mormon bishop is notified. The bishop then has jurisdiction, Richard said. “If the bishop continues to give his approval and we have no other evidence to work on, the prison is welcome to stay in school.” However if the student won’t work with the bishop our position is pretty is straight forward; the person would not be allowed to stray in school. Also repeat offenders, even if they are seeing their bishop will be allowed to stay in BYU classes,” Richard said. “To have someone who is considered a predator by the church, trying to get other people involved, the church after a while says, “Why should we be subsidizing that kind of activity at a place where people should be free of that?” Richards said. Homosexuals at BYU are far from convinced that the days of purging and harassment are gone, despite with school officials say. Frank who graduated in April and now works in Salt Lake City said he was “harassed by the Standard’s Office constantly” Frank contends that he kept a low profile while attending BYU only occasionally going out with other men. Despite his cautiousness however, he said he was called in . “They had notarized statements detailing my whole life,” he said. “Even things I said on the phone to a Gay friend were quoted.” Frank believes a former roommate tuned him in, though he can’t prove that. Frank believes the only reason he escaped expulsion was through the influence a relative had with a member of the schools board of trustees. Some homosexuals from BYU frequent a Gay support group (Wasatch Affirmation) in Salt Lake City headed by Russ Lane. Lane who says he is a returned Mormon Missionary, himself, said most of the BYU Gays in his group “live a moral life.” “I know many gays whose just want to meet a R.M.” he said. “We’re not perverts, we’re not weirdoes. We’re just people who happen to love people of the same sex.” Some feel trapped at BYU saying they didn’t realize their sexual preference until they are well into their college careers. And while they admit they could transfer to a less conservative school, they fear losing Credit hours in the process. ”A lot of BYU courses are not accepted at other colleges,” Glen said. Also stories abound about how Gay students have been have been kicked out of school and are then given F’s for their courses. The subsequent damage to the grade point averages made it difficult to get accepted elsewhere. Glen said. Richards doesn’t put much stock in such stories. I don’t think BYU would put itself in that legally vulnerable situation. You can’t be giving F’s because someone has a certain life style.” He said. Duane (Dawson) an employee at a Salt Lake City hospital, who says he was expelled from BYU in 1983, said a dangerous myth is forced on many homosexuals students by some church leaders. ”They tell you ‘You’ll meet some sweet little woman, go to the Temple, get married, and all your problems will be over,’ Well it just doesn’t work that way.” (11/15/86 SLTribune C3)
16 November 1986 Sunday
I hadn’t felt real great all day and kind of planned on spending most of the day alone typing up my poems when Brook H dropped by about two-thirty. I took her out to dinner, just over to Dee’s Restaurant on 4th South where we visited and got better acquainted with each other.
She said she couldn’t believe that I was an Eros Mania since she didn’t think men were capable of Eros mania. She’s really intrigued with me because of it. I read to her some of my poetry I am working on and solicited some feed back from her since she received a degree in English Literature. After I told her about my failed love affair with John F. C. from 1969, she surprised me and said she’s like to write a book on that relationship.
We ended up not going to Affirmation but visited until nearly eight-thirty when she left for home. A bout an hour later My wife showed up on the doorstep with Frances W with whom she has been staying. We caught up on what’s going on in our lives. My wife said she’s working for the IRS down in Provo no. While they were here, Affirmation must have gotten over because Brad T and Mike A. dropped by also to just visit. When My wife left, I kissed her goodbye and cried a little. I’m not sure why.
• Additional Material 16 November 1986 Health Department Plans Guidelines on Workers AIDS (SLTribune G7-6)
• STAYING OUT OF HARM’S WAY by Ben Williams
Streams of hard water beating down upon my head
Spraying, spurting, spewing, steamy streams water hot
I’m engulfed in a liquid veil, a liquid net
Staying in my watery world, it’s all I've got
I’m feeling nothing at all but the steady spread
Of water pouring over me helping me to forget
Tired of hurting and trying always him to please
I’m weary of crying, the soothing helps me rest
Warm restful water, drip, drip dripping down my cheeks
In a pool of water knees pulled tight to my chest
Slipping down to tiles, my chin resting on my knees
Naked wet, wanting to scream, trying not to weep
Come water, come now wash away my dreary tears
Mingle with water salty coming from my eyes
I’ll sit still and bask in the waters feeling warm
And stay in my shower where no one sees me cry
No one sees me with my naked soul bared in here
And alone it’s safe. Here he can do me no harm.
17 November 1986 Monday
After work I borrowed the company car and I went to Cahoots to buy Russ Lane a birthday present. I bought him this cute card with a sexy guy on it, a Chippendale Calendar for 1987, some male magazines, and a birthday cup cake. I brought them upstairs to him about seven-thirty to wish him a “Happy Birthday Eve”. I didn’t know if he had birthday plans for tomorrow so I wanted to catch him home tonight. After inviting me in I gave him a body massage and rubbed him down with Vick’s Vapor Rub since he said he was coming down with a cold. After having him all rubbed down, I just held Russ in my arms and said that I’m glad that I’m the person you are spending your last night with in your twenties. We just held each other, cried a little, and laughed a little. I do love Russ.
18 November 1986 Tuesday
It rained for much of the afternoon but glad it didn’t snow. In the evening, I just stayed home and typed some more on my poems. Later Russ Lane came downstairs for me to take a picture of him with some roses someone had sent him for his birthday. Today is Russ Lane’s thirtieth birthday.
I made him a big pot of chicken and dumplings, which he tells me is his favorite thing that I cook, so I supposed he had a nice birthday.
At nine I went out with Jon B. to Dee’s on 4th South to meet up with some guys from the Salt Lake Men’s Choir. I went mainly hoping to see Rand B, but alas the cute thing wasn’t there so I sat with Jim P. and flirted with him. I felt so much like Scarlett O’Hara at the Barbeque.
• Additional Material-SENSELESS by Ben Williams
me from thinking
me from dreaming
All I can do
to keep on trying
feeling so blue
Feel like crying
Just have no desire
Can’t even chew
on ice or on fire
for me will do
Sweetly they try
But in vain
my sinking feelings
I’m in pain
19 November 1986 Wednesday
What are my feelings? I am missing Billy B. so much I can hardly stand it. I haven't heard from him in a couple of days and that may not sound like a big deal to some but when you are in love like I am, I need to talk and hear from him every day. His phone is disconnected so I can't get a hold of him and James C. said that Bill wasn’t at his art night class so I don't know how he is. Part of me says to let him go entirely, because I can't be mooning over someone who cares so little for me. But while I really do love Billy, I've got to find someone new.
Craig H. gave me his new work number at the Utah Department of Social Services. He’s in the secretary pool there. I talked to Craig some more about forming a Church of Christ here in Salt Lake, since nothing here seems to be meeting our needs now. So will see what happens.
Brook H. wants to line me up with Mel Baker, the radio host of Concerning Gays and Lesbians when he gets back from the Great Peace March.
It rained for much of the morning but later the weather cleared up and it became a pretty day.
After work I walked down to the Crossroads Urban Center to facilitate another meeting of Married and Divorced Gays and Lesbians (MADGAL). It was a smaller group this time perhaps five people. Brook H. led the meeting and while it was interesting it was a bit too cerebral, I thought. I wanted to deal with Gay issues, emotional issues, not theories, leave that for LGSU. Oh well.
Brook H. said she and Nancy P. will be over for sure for Thanksgiving as will be Marc L. and his lover Bill C. I might have about 15 people here in this tiny place. If my front room is 12 feet by 12 feet I will be surprised.
I am tired so will just go to bed.
The Pretenders have a great song out right now, “Don’t Get Me wrong.” It’s wonderful and captures what Billy B. does to my heart.
Don’t get me wrong
If I’m looking kind of dazzled
I see neon lights
When ever you walk by
Don’t get me wrong
If I am acting so affected
I’m thinking about the fireworks
That goes off when you smile
Once in a while
Two people meet
Seemingly for no reason
They just past on the street
Who can explain?
The Thunder and the rain
It’s something in the air.
• Additional Material The Great Peace March for Global Nuclear disarmament was a 3,200 mile trek cross country media event from Los Angeles California to Washington D.C. It began March 11, 1986 but after two weeks PRO-Peace, the sponsoring organization collapsed. The marchers reorganized and found new sponsors and finished the “Consciousness wave” November 15. Thousands of people across America participated in the Great Peace March.
20 November 1986 Thursday
Today is Grandma and Grandpa Johnson’s 65th wedding anniversary. That is really amazing! I wonder what they did for it. If anything, I am sure J.W. and Pauline arranged it.
Today at work Tony S. and Paul B started calling each other fag. Paul is so latent, it’s pathetic.
I called Billy B. finally at Granite Mill because I haven’t heard from him in so long. He was there working and said he was doing okay. That’s when I got angry. If he’s okay and nothing’s wrong then he’s a real bastard for not keeping in touch with me. He knows how I feel about him. He said he would drop by tonight about seven-thirty and I said fine.
I spent the evening cleaning the place. I am finally getting over my cold. I sat down and watched some TV, Cheers, and typed up some poems. In fact to tell the truth I kind of forgot that Bill said he was coming over!
At nine p.m. I hear a knock on my door. "Well as I live and breathe, if it isn't Billy B.". All charm, wide smile, boyish sex appeal oozing out of every pore. I said, "Come on in" and he apologized for being so late. I said I didn't realize that you were. In fact I had forgotten that you were even coming over."
But I was still upset that he hasn't called me in over a week. He thought I was mad just for being late. He tried to charm me. It didn't work. He made some jokes. I was ice. He drew some stupid pictures. I stayed safely aloof. He could not touch me. I was insulated from his tricks. I had a charm proof vest on.
Even when he did, as his last resort, a patronizingly hug, flapping about like some fucking penguin instead of holding me, I was not moved. I was British. He knew it too and he tried flapping all around trying to bring my Jericho Walls down but I was inpenetratable. He didn't know what to do next because none of his tricks worked this time. Nothing was working for him so he retreated into laughter and the absurd and after an hour of him making a fool out of himself he left. I did not get up to see him out. I did not say goodbye. And most importantly I did not cry. I went to my room and wrote a poem "I'm Sorry But I Am Over You", which eventually became my poem BON APPETITE.
Additional Material- BON APPETITE by Ben Williams
I am sorry, but I am over you.
Really came as a surprise to me too.
I didn’t love you at first sight like they say.
But I do remember clearly that day.
First saw you there in the park on your bike.
My heart sang and I knew, you I would like.
I really thought that my feelings would last.
But that was Summer and Summer has passed.
I thought I’d love you then and forever,
That my devotion for you would never
Diminished, only grow more and more strong.
Now I’m sad it didn’t last all that long.
How did it just end? My love was so true.
Perhaps it was the night when I was blue
And you never called to visit or talk.
Or when you and I stopped going on walks
Perhaps it was when it dawned on me
How low on your list of priorities
I was. Did you think I’d always be there,
Waiting? Did you think I would always care?
I did. Even when home missing your face,
Knowing others were there taking my place.
Really amazes me, my love could be gone.
I thought the hurt would just go on and on.
Once too often, you did me a slight wrong.
Loving one too many, stringing along
With a wisp of a smile and twinkling eyes
And promises to stop making me cry.
Do care for you. Don’t want you to be hurt
But time’ll dish out your just desserts.
I am sorry but I am over you.
It came as a real surprise to me too.
• MORMON BOY by Ben Williams
Mormon Boy, It’s so very hard I know to loose all you had.
Your friends in the ward all think you’ve gone bad.
That’s all they can see.
There’s no Joy in hoping and wishing you’ll finish your mission.
But life can be celestial loving a terrestrial boy like me.
Don’t be Coy.
I’ll love you for life.
You won’t need a plural wife or the Book of Mormon
for the love we are performing.
Let us play.
Don’t destroy our Mutual Interest.
We’ll rise above the rest as long as we’re together in love.
My strong hand in your loving glove here to stay.
Mormon Boy, don’t cry anymore.
Be glad they’ve shut the door.
They can’t do you more harm.
Sheltered here in my arms, come on, enjoy.
It’s a ploy living life in Salt Lake Utah.
In a city of hers and hims, it can be painfully awful because the church,
our love condemns, Mormon Boy.
Mormon Boy, let’s walk to the temple gate
and look at the brides and grooms.
People like us, they’re taught to hate.
In the temple for us there’s no room, just prejudice.
So our own true love must become our holy of holies, where we can always trust,
that the god of infinite glory has room for us.
Mormon Boy, there’s no shame in being Gay.
So please stop, no more crying.
For here in our own perfect Zion, we will make our own way.
My sweet Mormon boy
21 November 1986 Friday
We are heading into the last month of autumn and still no real snow. Thank you oh controller of the Elements! It rained in the afternoon and around eight at night it even lightened and thundered! It then rained so hard with it turning to sleet and slush because it being so cool that time of night.
At work Bob E. was off on vacation so it was a fairly nice day. Brent G, who was left in charge, and who is good to me said I could borrow the company car again for the weekend! I couldn’t find the keys for the Chevette so I took the Honda.
Utah Title gave us a $15 gift certificate for a turkey at Smiths. That was neat and will buy my Thanksgiving Turkey!
In the evening I drove over to Slouvakis on 3rd West for some great Greek food and then to Backstreets and the Deerhunter. I needed to get out of my apartment because I was feeling edgy. I’ve been bitchy and sharp with people. I am on the edge. I think from Billy B.
I went by myself because I wanted to meet some new people but I saw Ken B at Backstreet and we danced. It was really slow, hardly anyone was there.
About ten-thirty or eleven I left to go over to the Deerhunter and it was packed. I saw Jon B. there getting sloshed, drinking beer. I could only talk to him over his shoulders because the place was so jamming. I only had two coolers all night because I knew I’d be driving the company car home. I kind of wanted to pick someone up to bring home with me but then again I didn’t either. I want more permanence in my life then just a one night stand. I want someone who wants me not just easy sex. I think the specter of AIDS has really cooled my ardor somewhat.
• Additional Material: Iran-Contra Affair: National Security Council member Oliver North and his secretary started shredding documents implicating them in selling weapons to Iran and channeling the proceeds to help fund the Contra rebels in Nicaragua.
22 November 1986 Saturday
I managed to sleep in until nine-thirty and it felt so good. Then I gathered up my past IRS forms and did my taxes up like I promised My wife. I guess before they will hire her they want to do a background check and audit and since we are still married that includes me too.
When I went out to go shopping I took Jon B. down with me to this wholesale produce store on 4th West, and then later took Russ Lane shopping when I bought a 23 pound turkey at Smith’s Food King. I just piddled around for much of the rest of the day.
I made Russ Lane some more chicken and dumplings, and then went off to the MCC dinner just briefly. I didn’t stay to eat but just to pop in and visit. After I left I drove down town to the Magazine Shop on Main and Broadway to look at some of the men magazines when Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis spotted me and came over to say hi. He told me that he was just on his way to the Sun on his temporary pass so I asked if he would sponsor me in. He said sure but first he had to stop by a straight friend of his. I said I’d just go on down to the Sun and wait outside for him but there, instead of waiting I just asked some guy who was heading in to sponsor me and he did.
Inside I saw Jim Hunsaker dancing with someone I kind of knew, and then I asked Lyle Bradley from KSL to dance which we did for a while until Jim came and joined us. Lyle saw some other friends and took off with them so Jim and I danced the rest of the night, almost every dance, until twelve-thirty when the place began to close. With standard time the bars shut down at one a.m. Don’t ask me why.
I was just soaking from sweat, actually drenched, because it was so crowded and warm inside the bar. Besides I had been drinking a lot of liquids because of my cold so I probably lost a lot of fluids that I’ve stored up.
After the Sun closed and being too keyed up to go home, Jim Hunsaker and I went with Lyle Bradley to Denny's on 5th South for a late night snack. I just had tea. There Jim started talking about Billy B. after I had mentioned that I was breaking up with him. Jim said "Good" and I said why? and Jim said that Billy has made a lot of enemies in the Gay Community. I said that's not the Billy I know. Jim then said "Let’s do Brunch and I'll tell you the rest of the story."
• Additional Material: Scatman Crothers, American actor, musician, born 1910, best known for his performance in The Shining died.
• "Human” by Human League is number one song on national charts.
• An Interfaith Worship & Pot Luck was held in salt Lake City. Wasatch Affirmation, Salt Lake Affirmation, Dignity, and Metropolitan Community Church held its second annual service held at MCC 823 South 699 East.
23 November 1984 Sunday
I was up at ten-thirty a.m. and still dragging from not going to bed until three. The only reason I did get up was because Jim Hunsaker proposed that we do brunch today. I decided to ask him over for breakfast instead of going out. I fixed a big Southern style breakfast of bacon, eggs, hash browns, biscuits, and milk gravy, served with tea and orange juice.
Jim came over about a quarter to noon and stayed until two. Jim came over for Brunch because he said he wanted to hear my poems but eventually we ended up discussing Billy B. Jim said that Billy's made a lot of enemies in the community especially of Jim and Graham Bell. Jim is still resentful and unforgiving that Billy was fooling around with both Jim and Graham at the same time last spring.
Well I said to Jim that while I can't always excuse Billy's abominable insensitivity to people, I can understand that he's in a lot of pain and that that pain spills over and sometimes people close to him can get hurt too. Billy is a walking wounded, and he's bleeding emotionally. We all are. He needs compassion, and love and some understanding even though he wants to be punished. I cannot punish Billy. I can only love him.
Jim then said that if I really wanted to make Billy angry just say that I heard that Billy went down on so and so. I guess that's because Billy won't do French Active just passive.
Anyway Jim liked my poems and said that I should publish them.
After Jim left I spent a lazy day until later in the late afternoon I walked up to the U of U to get out and walk off some of my edginess. I went to the sauna in the men’s locker room in the HPER where a lot of guys were cruising. I met a man named Darryl who’s a teacher originally from New York. He moved here for the skiing. We had a brief encounter in the sauna because I’ve been horny all weekend.
When I left the U. it was almost dark. I wanted to see Billy since he's been on my mind so much and because I was preoccupied with him for most of the day. So coming down from the U, I walked to his apartment and I was going to knock when I heard Richard L. talking through the door. They were laughing and having a good time so I just stood out side listening for an opportune time to knock. I didn’t know whether I should disturb them or not. Then hearing them laugh so much I got emotional and thought how Billy dare have a good time, have fun, when I'm so miserable. How dare he have fun without me? Crazy I know. Isn't love a state of insanity?
Anyways I finally did ring the bell and Bill invited me in. I said I could only stay a few minutes. I told him that I didn't appreciate his phone messages and then I started to leave. He then said to me meekly "I guess I forgot what kind of relationship we have", and I said, "So I noticed." and I left.
24 November 1986 Monday
I met Mel Baker, the host of Concerning Gays and Lesbians on KRCL. Brook H. wanted him and me to get together and while I think he’s brilliant, and his politics are like mine, he’s just not my type. I’m not attracted to him and as I told Brooke, it doesn’t matter whether he’s attracted to me or not-it’s whether I’m attracted to him. And I’m not. Besides Billy B. is still way too much in my system to even start dating other guys.
Billy’s friend Richard L. sat next to me at LGSU and he was picking out guys who he thought Billy would be attracted to. Is he nuts saying that to me? Doesn't he know how deeply I'm in love with Mr. B.? I can't believe that Richard would be pointing out guys to whom Billy would be attracted if he knew how much it pangs me. I can understand rationally that Billy is not attracted to me but it still hurts me emotionally. Richard must not have a clue how I feel about Billy or he wouldn’t have said what he did to me knowing that it would hurt me.
LGSU’s meeting was on a holistic approach to AIDS recovery. This kid named John Gatzemeier spoke. I guess if I love myself enough I will not die from the disease by keeping my chin up and take herbs. Well there’s nothing else out there. Some woman in California named Louise something is promoting the idea that AIDS can be cured by self love. Maybe Gay self hatred is the cause of the disease. God knows we are taught to despise our nature constantly.
Richard L. took me home from LGSU. I’m glad I went to LGSU but I was really tired from staying up so late last night. Mike A. didn’t come with me because he went to see “Gypsy” performed at East High with some of his friends from the Salt Lake Acting Company. He’s in rehearsals for Saturday Voyeur. He had stayed at my place all day while I was at work and borrowed some of my clothes to go the play. It’s fun that I share clothes and sizes with a 22 year old. It’s like doubling your wardrobe.
I’ve decided to go home to Garden Grove for Christmas. Mom wanted me to come and even was willing to pay for some of the fare. I was kind of putting off going home and facing the music. But I’d rather go now and get it over with.
I am feeling so Melancholic. So blue. I really believe its the blues. I'm feeling again that the people I love don't love me and the people that love me I'm not attracted to. I feel like I'm going to cry. I want to cry but I can't because I don't know what I'd be crying over. Am I still crying over Billy? Aren't I all cried out over him? Is it Russ Lane? John F. C.? My wife? Sam? Toby? Sweet dear Toby. He loved me, and even more, he loved Sam. I’m crying now as I am writing this because it has hit me like a wave that I put to death two creatures who loved me so totally and devotedly, and I miss them so much. I just want to hold them and have them next to me again. I’ve paid a terrible price for my freedom.
I am tired of loving too much. It’s not mentally healthy. Perhaps its time to go on another retreat. Time to regroup. Seeking serenity. Serenity.
Billy B. is dangerous to my mental health. Please, please help me let him go. Billy if you think another one can love you better, than I’m not the run and as Bobby Vee said, “Run to him.” My tears will dry. And give him all your devotion. “If you want me darling I will hold you ‘til your life is done but darling if I’m not the one, run to him.”
I feel so bloated and unloved. I am not happy right now and I know its because I am plain tired! I need to get to bed.
The weather is absolutely wonderful for November if that’s any consolation.
Russ came over to do his ironing on my ironing board and to watch some porno films while I was at LGSU. I saw that the affirmation Ad got placed in the Chronicle today so Russ was jazzed about that.
• Additional Material-John F Gatzemeier a Utah Native, died of AIDS at the age 43 on 19 July 1995 in Los Angeles, California. He was born 8 September 1951.
• Louise Hay, Southern California native in 1984, wrote You Can Heal Your Life. Louise explains in her book how beliefs and ideas about our selves are often the cause of our emotional problems and physical maladies and how, and by using certain tools, we can change our thinking and our lives for the better. You Can Heal Your Life reached the New York Times bestseller list and remained on it for 12 consecutive weeks. In 1985, Louise Hay began a support group called "The Hayride," with six men diagnosed with AIDS. By 1988, the group had grown to a weekly gathering of 800 people and had moved to an auditorium in Santa Monica with followers in most major cities including Salt Lake City. It was during this time that she wrote The AIDS Book: Creating a Positive Approach, based on her experiences with this powerful group.
25 November 1986 Tuesday
I spent much of the evening baking for Thursday’s dinner. I made two pumpkin pies, 2 pecan pies, and 2 loaves of Date Nut bread. Mike A. came over while I was baking and we watched movies on his VCR player. What a great invention! We watched The Heiress, starring Olivia De Havilland. I loved it. “How Could you be so cruel?” “I was taught by masters.” It made me sad that even through all her growth and strength she had turned hardened. We also watched the Life and Times of Harvey Milk. It made me cry and I truly understand why he’s a symbol for Gay Pride. I agreed totally with that English professor who proclaimed that the candlelight vigil after Milk’s death was the most eloquent expression to a tragic act of violence ever expressed by a community. It made me proud to be Gay.
Mike brought Mr. Pibbs over with him and it was wonderful having the little fur ball running all through the house. He’s some kind of shaggy poodle mix. It made me miss Toby so much though. I’ve got to stop wanting to cry every time I thing of him but simply remember the good times and how sweet he was, and how his life would have ended in October of 1980 if not for My wife and I saving him and taking him with us to Montana.
It was fun watching movies and having Michael and Mr. Pibbs over. The weather is still holding up with no snow.
Billy B. left another one of his bizarre messages on my recorder. And why does he call me when he knows I'm not home, the jerk. I don't know if he's coming for Thanksgiving or not now. Its not like Billy to pass up a free meal. That's mean. And not true.
• Additional Material: Iran-Contra Affair: U.S. Attorney General Edwin Meese announced that profits from covert weapons sales to Iran were illegally diverted to the anti-communist Contra rebels in Nicaragua.
26 November 1986 Wednesday
Work went okay and I wished everyone a Happy Thanksgiving before going home.
I talked to Billy B. today and he is coming over for Thanksgiving tomorrow. I am thankful for that.
In the evening I cleaned my house and rearranged the furniture for tomorrow and while I was doing so Billy dropped by around seven-thirty pm and we visited for a while. It was kind of strange. I didn't know how to feel. I love him so much. I just want to hold him and take care of him and to be with him. He said that he was in an accident with his van and while no one was hurt he said that he did about $900 worth of damage to someone else's car and Billy has no insurance. Nothing I can do for him. He must make his own way.
I didn’t go to bed until two a.m. I was so tired but had to get the place clean for tomorrow. I finished making the stuffing and other goodies for the dinner. I put the Turkey on to cook about one a.m. and just let it cook throughout the night on a low temperature. I moved all my furniture around so I can fit everyone in comfortably in my small place. I am so tired.
I am on the pity pot a little bit thinking why isn’t someone helping me? It’s so much work but it must be done. Tradition!
• Additional Material: Iran-Contra Affair: U.S. President Ronald Reagan announced that as of Monday, December 1 former Senator John Tower, former Secretary of State Edmund Muskie, and former National Security Adviser Brent Scowcroft will serve as members of the Special Review Board looking into the scandal (they became known as the Tower Commission). Reagan denied involvement in the scandal.
27 November 1986 Thursday Thanksgiving
I woke up about eight and checked the Turkey. It was just doing fine. I finished cleaning, polishing, and vacuuming the place. Then I started cooking some more. Mike P. called about nine and said that he didn’t have to work today because he quit his job, so I said come on over and help me get dinner on. He was company for me too.
About one the guests started arriving, They were Mike A., Jon B., Billy B., Helen and her husband Tony and their twin boys Matt and Jonathan, Brook H. and Nancy P., Curtis Jensen, these strays Richard, Randolph and another boy whose name I’ve forgotten already and with Mike P. and I. We had about 15 people show up actually for dinner and others dropped over later in the evening to watch Gay movies. Billy B. was on time and the main person I wanted over.
For dinner we had a 23 lb turkey, cornbread dressing, giblet gravy, turkey gravy, mashed potatoes, Candied Yams, Corn soufflé, green beans, squash, cranberry sauce, olives, rolls, pickles, relish sticks, punch, pumpkin and pecan pies. So we had a lot of food and if anyone went hungry it was their own fault. It was fun and Mike A. had us playing games and watching some of his videos he brought with him. We watched some cartoons, the Honeymooners, and a really campy movie classic The Women. We kept wriggling our fingers via Joan Crawford fashion saying “Jungle Red” as if we had on red nail polish.
After the Lesbians, and Helen and her family left, we broke out some Gay films and had some wine coolers.
Billy B. enjoyed himself I think and late in the afternoon he laid down on my bed and took a nap. I followed him, a little tipsy, and laid down beside him. I love his form next to me and his touch. The feel of his breath on the back of my neck as he sleeps. He left in the evening to go see friends in Ogden. The party was over then for me. He truly lights up my life.
Still it was a fun day but I am really, really exhausted looking at a pile of dishes and left over food. I am going to bed.
28 November 1986 Friday
I got paid today $540 and during lunch I asked Mike A. to take me up to Spartacus Travel Agency to buy my ticket to California. Round trip cost $178 so I guess I am coming home for sure on the 23rd of December, in less then a month.
I was really tired today from all the hullabaloo from yesterday. When I came home from work I spent most of the evening cleaning the apartment and doing up the dishes.
Around nine p.m. Billy B. dropped in to tell me about the filming of his TV presentation at some gallery. He was lonely for Richard L. I think who is leaving for Rochester New York and for Jim R whose gone to San Francisco for the holidays. I guess that just leaves me.
I gave Billy a massage and fussed over him. I know I shouldn't have but I can't help my feelings. I just enjoy being with him so much. I wish he enjoyed being with me just half as much.
I was really tired from cleaning up from yesterday and I curled up on the couch with my head in Billy's lap and tried to sleep some as he watched TV until about two a.m. I then tried to get him to come to bed with me but he was adamant about sleeping in the front room so I went to bed without a fight. I was too tired. Let him do as he will. He was in a real peculiar mood tonight. I know he was wanting to have sex but at the same time he didn’t and I was too tired to seduce him so he wouldn't feel guilty. It's hard to explain. I don't know what I feel.
29 November 1986 Saturday
I got up about eight a.m. and was still tired so I went into the front room and pulled the covers back over Billy and he said for me to come sit by his side so I did. I just want to kiss him and hold him in my arms. I want to take care of him and for him to love me.
As we began to come to life I fixed us a breakfast of French Toast, eggs, and hash browns. I wanted to watch PEE WEE HERMAN at nine but they moved his show up an hour to eight. So I watched a little Saturday morning TV with Bill until we got cleaned up and then I asked Billy if he would take me to Sears, which he did. I wanted to buy a new ribbon for my typewriter and while there I flirted with this cute guy named Douglas. He acted Gay but don’t know if he was or not.
Afterwards Bill and I also dropped by Deseret Industries where I bought a pair of pants for $2 and Billy some electrical things. Billy just dropped me off after going to D.I. and went on home.
The weather in the morning was absolutely gorgeous and it must have been at least 60 degrees. But later after Billy left and I was getting up from a nap in the afternoon I saw that it was raining but hey better then snow.
I spent the rest of the day alone and did some phone calling. I called Mom to let them know when I was coming home. She said that Dad and she are serious about selling the Dale Street place and moving out of Orange County. I wonder how I will feel when they do? I then called My wife and she said she had a nice Thanksgiving in Lavan.
I then watched the Golden Girls and some other TV, whiling typing up my poems. It was a real quiet kind of day. No one called except for Mike A. earlier this morning and I wasn’t home at the time. Kind of a funny feeling this solitude. I am still really tired even after the three hour nap I took this afternoon. It’s probably really good for me to stay home and rest for a change.
Additional Material: Cary Grant, British and Hollywood Legend, born in1904, died. One of Hollywood’s greatest screen stars playing in screwball comedies to Hitchcock thrillers. Always debonair he was reported to have been at least bi-sexual with a romantic friendship with cowboy star Randolph Scott before they became huge personalities. He was discovered by Mae West who gave Grant his first screen role.
"You Give Love A Bad Name" by Bon Jovi number one song on national charts.
30 November 1986 Sunday
It’s the last day of the month and it zoomed by. I spent a quiet Sunday at home alone for most of the day. I went to the store twice, once to get groceries, and the second time to get some Christmas Decorations for a cake I wanted to bake. I made a candy cane house which took up most of my afternoon.
Mike P. dropped by for a little while and I hadn’t seen him since Thanksgiving but he’s already has a new boyfriend. The most exciting news of the day was from a phone call I received from Dave R. He said that he read my poem that was printed in the December issue of the Triangle magazine! I was so excited that they printed it. It’s exciting to see one’s work in print! Dave said he enjoyed it.
I went to Affirmation with Billy B. and since it was the 5th Sunday in this month we just played games. Billy and I played scrabbled even though I hate it. I just wanted to be with Bill. I kept spelling out words like Penis, Sex, Butt, etc for which I wasn't getting any points but it was fun shocking Billy. I hadn’t been to Affirmation in a while and people said they missed me. It was good to see some of the old faces. Before taking me home Billy asked me to go with him to Beauchaine’s opening of The Gingerbread House Cafe tomorrow.
What’s new with me? My feelings for Billy are changing. Time is taking care of that. I am tired right now so won't try to analyze my feelings. I had a cold for much of November and was feeling slightly out of sorts. Mike A. and I have really grown closer since Halloween. He calls us “sisters” and he calls me nearly every day just to gossip and check up on how I am. “Sisters are doing it for them selves!”
• Additional Material- GAY BAR BLUES by Ben Williams
Girl! Come over here! Have I got the dirt for you.
Hell yes, that slut has been sleeping with you know who!
And guess who I saw at the bar the other day?
And he says he’s just curious, not really Gay.
Who is he trying to fool? Certainly not me!
When he goes into the John, its not just to pee.
Do you know the queen over there, he’s got a wife!
Got religion too! Jesus came into his life.
But just between you and me, I know its a sin,
Doesn’t he look a might peaky, just a might thin?
And that asshole who use to be mine-over there,
Yeah, the fucking mustache freak with the thinning hair.
I know I’m an awful bitch for being so mean,
He was such a lousy lay but such a good queen!
Girl guess who’s been sleeping with so and so these days?
Yes! Really! That’s right! And I know he has got AIDS!
Oh I know that its true because I heard him say,
In a meeting downtown, for drunks, you know AA.
Don’t you laugh but you know who I saw in the park?
Said to him, “Trying to get a tan after dark?”
And those young queens over there, trying to look straight,
Pathetic! but the blond one, I’ll give him an eight.
But the dark one is too tall and look at those arms,
Just sticks and bones, but still, he has a certain charm.
No I’m not drinking And take all those Quaaludes away,
They’re causing me wrinkles and you know what they say.
Where are you going girl? Got a bucket full more,
Don’t get cute with me Bitch. We all know you’re a whore.
So deary, who was that trick you were with last night?
Honey you can’t suck your thighs in. Stick with Bud Light.
I’m telling you as a friend and you should be told,
Nobody loves ya if you’re too fat or too old.
Oh I hear you got dumped last week by your new flame!
He was neurotic, plain crazy! What was his name?
You deserve better but I doubt if ever you will.
Especially the way you keep downing that swill.
It’s so depressing day after day after day,
Watching all these pathetic old men who are Gay.
Look who is trolling! My God, I knew him back when!
Well doesn’t he think he’s just a nine or a ten?
Well Hon, got to go. Therapy is at two.
The guys a jerk, but kind of cute. Eyes are blue
Now what I just told you dear, I know its all true,
After all, dear, remember? I heard it from you!