October 1986

1 October 1986 Wednesday
It rained almost all day. Work was barely tolerable and I'm missing Billy B. something horrible.

While I was cleaning up my kitchen, listening to the stereo, this sad love song by George Michael, A Different Corner was played. The words "I am so scared" and "If all that there is- is this the fear of being used I should go back to being lonely and confused, if I could I would, I swear" sent this overwhelming feeling of loneliness sweeping over me. Since moving out on my own, I have felt lonely before but not this dreadful sense of "loneliness".

So I went upstairs to Jon B.'s apartment where we talked for a long time. We talked until almost 11 pm. I told him how lost I was feeling and I don't know why. Jon just let me talk it out and I heard myself saying that by sending Billy B. away, I have my "self esteem", myself "respect", my integrity, but these are only empty words. They don't lie down beside me at night. So after I left Jon's, I called Billy B. up and inquired how he was. He said that he had a head cold. I asked him if he would like to spend the night and he agreed. About midnight Billy showed up and is at my side now and this is better than words.

• Additional Material The Mayor of Salt Lake and the Governor of Utah both declared the last week in October as AIDS Awareness Week. Utah Health Department reported that there was 42 cases of AIDS in Utah and 22 of these people had died. John Lorenzini of the Utah AIDS Project publicly announced that he had AIDS in a letter in the Triangle Magazine. Richard Cochran, director of AIDS Project Utah stated that he was unaware that there had been an AIDS Awareness Week last year when APU sponsored another AIDS Awareness Week for the end of October after the Royal Court’s fund raising efforts. John Lorenzini born 25 Mar 1947 died 18 July 1990 of AIDS age 43.
• Rick Cochran born 28 March 1953 died 5 June 1987 of AIDS in Minnesota.

2 October 1986 Thursday
I am happier today than I have been since last Saturday. Billy B. spent the night and stayed at my house most of the day resting from his cold. I fed him some home made chicken soup and plied him with vitamin C. He felt well enough to leave this afternoon but he came back over in the evening and I fed him some split pea soup and crackers. I also made him some sweet rolls and we curled up on the couch and watched Bill Cosby, Family Ties, Cheers, and Night Court.

After the shows were over we turned the TV off because we wanted to have a seriously talk. Out of the blue he began to rag on John F. C., saying how John used me and how I am always defending him. He went on to comment how that anyone I become involved with will have to live under the shadow of John F. C. I don't know what burr was under his saddle but it sure sounded like he was jealous of John. I tried to explain to Billy that I think my love for John represented my sense of Gayness through all the dead years when I pretended to be heterosexual. It was by holding on to this memory of my love for John, even if he didn't love me, was my unconscious attempt to holding on to my true self.

After arguing for a while over this bizarre subject I was exhausted. Billy wanted to stay up and watch David Letterman but I said I was going to bed and I did.

3 October 1986 Friday
I woke up about 2 this morning and not seeing Billy B. in his bed, I went into the front room and found him sound asleep on the floor with the television going. I tried to rouse him to come to bed but he was dead to the world so I went and pulled the pillow blankets off the other bed, covered him up, and left him there. I went back to bed disappointed that he was not coming to bed. I just wanted to hold him and him being just in the other room seemed to exaggerate the distance of our relationship. I awoke at eight-thirty, and went off to work leaving him asleep on the floor.

Work was a little busier then usual and that was good. After work came home and Billy was gone.

Not long after being home, Jon B. came down with a friend of his from Washington DC. His name is Kim Garver and he is also a friend of Elbert Peck! I invited the two for dinner and fixed chicken spaghetti. Afterwards they invited me to go with them to the Deerhunter. We found a spot at the end of the bar near the men's room so we could cruise all the guys coming and going.

As we visited I found that Kim is a really nice guy and I like him a lot, but as a friend. Besides, any friend of Elbert Peck's is a friend of mine. We sat there, had a beer but the place was filling up fast so when Jon complained that the smoke was killing his eyes, we left to head over to the In-Between where there's a patio. I also wanted to see if sexy John H. was there and he was; sitting at the end of the bar and drunk already.

When I went up to him to say hi, he acted indifferent to me this time. I was really disappointed, and feeling kind of rejected. I thought I don't need his bull shit so I said let's head over to Backstreet. Jon was tired and just wanted to go home but before he left he hooked Kim and I with another friend of his named Rick. So we walked over to Backstreet from the In-Between and at first I was kind of disappointed and ready to walk home, but then I saw a crowd from LGSU sitting at a table.

There were Jim Hunsaker, Curtis Jensen, Graham Bell, and Mike O having a good time. Graham Bell was dressed as Joan Crawford and Curtis Jensen was in drag as Christine Crawford, wire hanger and all. They were a hoot! I introduced Kim to everyone but he was hitting it off with Rick and soon they disappeared for the night. I asked Jim Hunsaker to dance and we were out on the dance floor for nearly an hour, changing the words from "I'm your Venus" to "I'm your Penis"! Boys had their shirts off and the smell of male sweat and poppers perforated even the smoke.

As the evening wound down I went with Curtis, Jim, Graham and Mike over to the new Gay restaurant next to the In-Between. It's called Connection and its kind of connected to the In-Between by an inside entrance. We went for a late night snack and I really got to know the LGSU crowd better, and they me.

I was able to catch a ride with them home and on 6th South and State Street we came to a stop next to this really cute guy who I could see kept looking at us out of the corner of his eye. I flashed him a smile and he smiled back. I could tell he was interested in what was going on in our car but couldn't figure out the woman being there, so Curtis pulls off his blond curly wig, shakes out his short black hair form underneath. The guy in the other car then just laughs and I waved at him. He waved back but as the light turned green he sped off leaving behind his close encounter with a Walk on the Wild Side. It was a very fun, exciting evening after all and more so it was nice to know that I can have a good time without Billy B.. It was after 2 p.m. before I landed in bed.

4 October 1986 Saturday
I managed to sleep in until almost ten-thirty and almost as soon as I was out of the shower, Jon B. and Kim Garver came by my place. They were on their way downtown to the Triad Center and wanted me to go with them. I told them that I would have to decline because I was on my way to get a hair cut. I'm tired of my hair being scraggy.

So after they left rode over to the dollar cuts, got my trim, and then over to Smith’s to pick up some groceries. I am getting pretty good at balancing the shopping bags on my handle bars.

In the afternoon I finally got around to doing a load of wash for the first time in over two weeks! I was really out of clothes. While trying to clean the house, Troy N. dropped by. He said he caught a cold, so I fixed him some chicken soup. We visited some and Troy is a good hearted kid.

While sitting in the front room Troy lit up a joint. He asked me if I wanted a toke and I tried a puff. It was something I hadn't done in ages, maybe since before I became a Mormon. Later Troy took me to the liquor store and I bought a bottle of White Zinfandel to have in the house for company.

After he left Kim Garver came back down and asked if I wanted to go to General Priesthood Session of October Conference. I said "thanks but no thanks". I was not that stoned. I didn't need to waste two hours listening to that dribble.

Finally Billy shows up at 5 o'clock to go out to Pennys with me to exchange his birthday gift. Having been kept waiting for an hour pissed me off, but at Pennys he picked out some real cute Bugle Boy gray pants and a nice shirt to go with it. I spent over $40 on him but it was fun buying Billy clothes, and dressing him like a life size Ken Doll.

Anyway on the way home Billy asked me what I had planned for tonight. I said "Oh nothing special", expecting to him to follow through with the inquiry with a remark like, "Do you want to go out tonight" which would have been the next logical suggestion but instead Billy says, "Richard L. and I are going to the Sun tonight to check out all the Conference goers". I replied “That sounds like fun" and I was still half expecting him then to ask "Do you want to come along?" But nothing. Billy says nothing to me but small talk the rest of the drive home. I kept thinking, "Bill you better ask me out if you know what's good for you. You better ask me out" But he says nothing.

I become very quiet then and Billy sensing my mood change knew something was wrong but he wouldn't ask what. I gave him all the opportunity in the world to ask me to go along tonight and he never did. When he dropped me at my apartment I said "ciao" and then his favorite expression "Bueno" for goodbye. I ran into my apartment and did everything I could to keep from crying. I am sorry but I don't think it was too much to expect to be asked to come along. Here I just spent $40 on him, and he can't even ask me along to go bar hopping?

I just tried to forget it by watching television but about eight o'clock Kim Garver and Jon B. dropped by wanting me to go with them to the Deerhunter so I never got to watch the Golden Girls. I needed to get out of the apartment to keep from feeling sorry for myself so we all walked to 3rd West and 7th South.

Kim absolutely loves this bar but I'm not crazy about it because you can't dance there.

Anyway I was getting drunk there on Kim's peach schnapps that he brought with him and I see Derek K. While visiting I told him what Billy did to me today and he said that he never was too crazy about Billy anyways, and I should just dump him. I also asked him if he had a membership to the Sun and if he would take me there. He did so we went. I wanted to go dancing and show that son of a bitch that I don't need his skinny ass to have fun.

The Sun was packed and I didn't see Billy at first. I spotted Mark H from Affirmation through the crowd, and he asked me to dance. While we were out on the dance floor, I saw Bill and Richard dancing together. Bill saw me and came over and extended his hand for me to shake. I wanted belt him, not shake his hand but I did because I am a better person than he is. Kinder. But then I turned my back on him, and ignored him by going back to my dancing partner.

This haunting song “Red Red Wine” by UB40 then was played by the DJ and it summed up my drunken state of mind. How dare Billy even come up to me to say hi at all? Why the fuck should I act like everything is wonderful. It isn't wonderful. Bill has absolutely no consideration for me or my feelings. He can trash my heart and smile an innocent smile as if no harm done?

I danced a little more with some others and then Brad T took me home at one-thirty a.m.

Bill, Bill, Bill. You chisel away my love till there's nothing left. Goodbye. As a great Vulcan once said, "Live long and prosper".

• Additional Material: Chuck Whyte presented Unity V “The Quest” 1986. The annual Unity Show acts as catalyst for organizing a forum for Gay and Lesbian leaders and activists to address a large audience. Greg Garcia, a founder of the Wasatch Motorcycle Club challenges the community to work together. Unity V was held at Backstreet. Garcia stated in part, “I, as master of the Wasatch Leather men, invite the heads of all Gay and Lesbian bars, organizations, and groups to join me in a meeting to begin the vital exchange of aid and information. …Brothers and Sisters we face the most dire crisis in our long history. Through unity we can find hope. Through unity we will fight oppression from within and without.”
• "When I Think Of You” by Janet Jackson is number one song on the national charts
• Lyrics to Red Red Wine performed by UB40-Red, red wine Goes to my head.. Make me forget that I Still need her so… Red, red wine It’s up to you All I can do, I’ve done…. mem`ries won’t go… mem`ries won’t go… I’d have thought That with time… Thoughts of you Would leave my head…I was wrong now I find Just one thing makes me forget… Red, red wine Stay close to me….. Don’t let me be alone ….It’s tearin` apart My blue, blue heart…. Red red wine you make me feel so fine… You keep me rocking all of the time… Red red wine you make me feel so grand… I feel a million dollars when your just in my hand…. Red red wine you make me feel so sad… Any time I see you go it makes me feel bad… Red red wine you make me feel so fine… Monkey pack him rizla pon the sweet dep line… Red red wine you give me whole heap of zing… Whole heap of zing mek me do me own thing… Red red wine you really know how fi love… Your kind of loving like a blessing from above… Red red wine I love you right from the start… Right from the start with all of my heart… Red red wine in a 80`s style… Red red wine in a modern beat style,… yeah Give me little time,… help me clear up me mind… Give me little time, help me clear up me mind… Give me red wine because it make me feel fine… Mek me feel fine all of the time…Red red wine you make me feel so fine …Monkey pack him rizla on the sweet dep line… The line broke, the monkey get choke… Burn bad rizla pon him little rowing boat… Red red wine i`m gonna hold to you… Hold on to you cause I know you love true… Red red wine i`m gonna love you till I die… Love you till I die and that`s no lie… Red red wine can`t get you out my mind… Where ever you maybe i`ll surely find …I`ll surely find …make no fuss jus` stick with us…. Red red wine you really know how fi love.. Your kind of loving like a blessing from above… Red red wine I love you right from the start… Right from the start with all of my heart… Red red wine you really know how i love… Your kind of loving like a blessing from above… Red red wine you give me whole heap of zing …Whole heap of zing mek me do me own thing

5 October 1986 Sunday
I didn't get up this morning until around ten a.m. when Kim Garver came over and wanted to go out for brunch. I told him that I really couldn't afford to go out and that if he liked I would fix him breakfast here, which I did. About the same time Mike A. called and I invited him over for breakfast too. I fixed scrambled eggs, bacon, hash browns, and toast. We were having a good time gossiping when my wife called. She was in Salt Lake City visiting with Wanda S. She said that she's going to see this woman, Debbie Fairchild, who is running a support group for LDS women whose husbands are Gay. She also said she was interviewing for a job with the IRS and if she can get a good government job she will be set.

After getting off the phone, Kim tells me that while visiting Russ Lane, Russ told him to be careful around me because I am only looking for sex! What a real ass! I could have slapped the slut into next Sunday. Russ has put the moves on Kim and everyone one else in SLC and he has the nerve to say that about me! I haven't ever wanted to be with anyone but Russ, John H. and Billy B. and they all don't want to be with me so my sex life is just about on par as in a nunnery.

After everyone left to go about their business, I went to the U of U and sat in the sauna in the HPER Building. I needed to de-tox from all the alcohol I've been drinking this weekend. I stayed up there for a couple of hours and it felt so good to have all my pores opened up. It was kind of quiet up there and not any action going on that I could see.

After sweating out all my juices, I walked on home where I baked some cinnamon rolls for Affirmation's pot luck tonight. I was kind of expecting Mike A. to swing by and pick me up but when no one showed I walked up the escarpment to 13th East where we are meeting now in the Unitarian Church on 6th South. I sang, “Red, red wine Stay close to me Don’t let me be alone It’s tearin` apart My blue, blue heart” all the way up the hill. The song is stuck in my head.

It wasn't too bad outside walking up only about 55 degrees. I was a little late getting there, after all the announcements, and I was pooped. Russ was such an Ass for moving us up the hill. I decided that this last time at Affirmation after looking around and seeing an all new group of people there. Only Russ and I were from the old crowd and the only one's there that had been here since the beginning last March, and I am burned out on Russ.

Poor Paul and Rob, the guys from BYU, said they were beat up by fag bashers last night when they left the Sun. About five guys jumped them in the Sun parking lot by the railroad tracks. They stole their money and Paul looked pretty bad with his face all swollen and bruised. I visited with Paul and said how sorry I was for them and how what goes around will come around. Eventually somewhere, some time it will come back to those boys. I so do believe in karma and not resisting evil. Paul said he appreciated my words since no one else would talk to him about it.

But it did make me realize that it just as easily could have been Brad T and I and that I need to take a cab home when I am out late in that area and not try to walk home.

The Pot Luck was a drag I suppose with all the new people not knowing each other. I was the only one trying to fellowship people, and I wasn't in the best of moods.

Billy B. wasn't here tonight and I hadn't heard from him all day. Who cares?

I left Affirmation early and walked back home more melancholy then ever. Really feeling sorry for myself and wondering what this life is all about? I need to pray more and become more Christ centered in my life.

Well I did feed Bill, clothed him, and gave him shelter which the Lord require us all to do for each other, but now I must serenely fold my hands and wait for someone new.

6 October 1986 Monday
I am not feeling well, fighting off a cold I think. Troy N. went home today sick so something is going around. Billy B. was sick last week.

I left work early and while crossing the street I saw a little Toby like puppy flopping along after his master. I broke out in tears and thought oh Toby I miss you so much! Our love is stronger then the bonds of death. Sam and Toby I love you so much. If I could wish myself dead to be with you both I would. When does the hurting stop? Oh Toby how could I have let you go? I just did not know how much pain there would be in our separation. I’ve heard of dogs mourning themselves to death for their friends and I feel like at times I am doing the same. Thank God they don’t have a grave for me to go to and grieve over.

At home I started to get the chills while breaking out in a sweat. I had wanted to go to LGSU tonight but decided it was more prudent to stay home, warm and snuggy. Besides I was in a low spot.

I did call the Douglas County School District in Nevada to send me for an application. Douglas County is the Reno-Tahoe area. I feel like I want to leave Salt Lake and the memories of Billy B. I need to make a start away from bastards like Russ Lane and Bill who only know how to use people and to get away from the painful memories of My wife, Toby and Sam. I don't know what to do.

About six p.m. Billy called me and wanted to talk. What more is there to say? He wanted to know what he did that was so wrong and I said that if you don't know then it really doesn't matter because then you really don't know right from wrong. He said, "You sound closed up to me", and I said, "Isn't that what businesses do when they take inventory?" Billy wants some neat concise pat answer that will make him feel good and I'm sorry right now I don't have any answers that will make what he did right.

I think I should cut my losses right now and go with my life. Billy wanted me to come over at ten p.m. tonight but I said, "No". He wanted me to call him later this week and I said, "Perhaps". He then said that he had to go to his drawing class so I said "Go. You have a lot of time, effort and money tied up in it to not go and do well"

As I am writing this a wave of "giving in" has swept over me. It's nine-thirty and if I walk over to Billy's I will get there about ten. I just don't know what to do. I am such a fool. Such a fool. Do I just love the rejection? Do I believe all the sacrifice will make a difference? Will the BLUE FAERIE come and make wooden Billy into a real boy of flesh and blood? Stay or go? Be practical. Be a man. Have some pride. Some self esteem. Or go to Billy and hold him as long as you can for our walk together is very short.

If I could only hold Toby and Sam again they would want for nothing. I will go to Bill's tonight. It will be soon enough when I won't have him to hold, John C. F. is proof of that. Hold on to life while you can. Time will eventually rob us of everything.

About nine-thirty Willy Marshall dropped by and we briefly visited until I said I had to leave. Willy said was mainly waiting for Jon B. to get home and he’d would have been visiting Russ but when he went up there he could hear that he was tricking with someone.

So after nine-thirty I walked over to 9th East and 125 South, singing the melancholic sad song "Red Red Wine". Red Red wine stay close to me make me forget that I needed him so. Red red wine its up to you all that I can do I've done but the memories won't go.

When I reached his apartment Billy wasn't home so I sat down and wrote him a farewell note. I wished him well and asked him to take care of the little boy inside himself that is precious to me.

Then I walked on home. Willy was still here waiting in the hall so I invited him in and we sat and visited. He said that he did get in to briefly talk to Russ Lane. I told him that I thought Russ was living in a fantasy world and needed therapy. After Willy left when Jon came home, I went to bed near midnight when I had really wanted to go to bed early.

7 October 1986 Tuesday
It was a dreary day. I am wondering what life is all about. Work has been the same for a while. It’s so dreary without Russ, and without Troy H.. After work I went up to Jon B.’s to talk. We sat in the dark to match my mood and discussed Gay relationships. He’s upset about Lon Wright because Lon is distraught and being hysterical about their relationship. I told Jon that I am missing Billy B. that I miss his smile.

We decided that we needed to get out so we took a walk over to Bryant Intermediate where the Salt Lake Men's Choir practices and then I down 9th East where I could see that Billy wasn't home. I knew that he would be at his class.
After leaving Jon, I called Billy’s answering machine just to hear his voice. It's so dear to me. I then called Alma Smith and Mike P. to find out what is going on in their lives. Little days with out Bill. There’s a saying that one must become a fool to become wise. Am I just a fool?
Additional Material-Elizabeth Van Der Burgh and John Lorenzini of AIDS Project Utah began training sessions for the Utah Department of Social Services. Eventually over 700 department employees were trained by the end of the year. Van Der Burgh RN served on the Board of Trustees of APU. Lorenzini came to APU after serving in AIDS Project LA and the San Francisco AIDS Foundation. Lorenzini Past co-chair of the National Association of People With AIDS for past three years.

8 October 1986 Wednesday
Work went okay with no major problems. The weather is wonderful, very autumn-like. The trees are all golden and there’s the smoky smell of wood burning in fireplaces at night.

Tonight is the 2nd meeting of MADGAL. Mike P. came over at six-thirty and I asked him to come with me to the meeting so we walked down to the Crossroads Urban Center together. It was a much smaller meeting tonight, just four of us and one was a Lesbian named Brook H.. It was extremely interesting hearing her story. We discussed the group’s charter and she said she really liked it especially the fact that we decline outside contributions. She said that certain influential members of the community believe that they are immune to criticism because of the money they denote to the different groups.

After the meeting Mike P. and I went over to Jon B.'s where we sat and visited until nearly ten. We got in to this deep conversation about how to achieve a Christ conscious state of awareness.

Back at my apartment I called Billy's machine again to hear Bill's voice but Bill answered instead. I enquired about his health and he asked me to come over. I knew that it was not the smart thing to do but I went anyways. I walked on over and there Billy was doing his dishes down the hall in a vacant apartment because his sink is backed up. I sat down in the front room on the floor while he finished his dishes and played Carly Simon's Torch Song Album "I'll Be Around" and Fleetwood Mac's TUSK album especially SARA.

Billy came in and sat down next to me and I just stared at his profile searing his image into my memory banks to last me a life time.

At one point Billy said that he wanted some cheese but didn’t have any in the house so we walked down to Safeway’s on 9th East and 4th South, about midnight, to try and find the perfect cheese. Billy called it a “Cheese Quest”. That was fun and as always a little bizarre.

Coming back to his apartment we sat in the dark eating cheese and around two a.m. I asked him "Do I give you enough time to miss me?" It was a rhetorically question needing no answer but Billy replied, "You can't make me love you." I said, "I Know". I passed this remark off lightly and said I have to go home. Billy wanted to drive me home but I didn't want his company anymore. He tried to make me get in the car but I am just as strong willed and I was insistent about walking home which I did.
Additional MaterialRuss Lane Chapter director of Wasatch Affirmation visited the office of Mr. Hartman Rector of the LDS Seventies Quorum to complain about anti- Gay remarks. Rector’s secretary reported that he received a number of letters of complaint from Gay members about Rector’s anti-homosexual remarks. President Ezra Taft Benson condemned homosexual behavior also in the General Priesthood remarks.

9 October 1986 Thursday
I didn't get up until eight-thirty am, feeling blue and tired from last night. Billy B. was upset that I wouldn't let him drive me home last night but why should he always get his way? I rarely do. I had to walk home to clear my mind and be away from Bill. As Evelyn Wambaugh says, “another blow upon the bruise.”
I was sort of out of it at work all day. Gena fired the copy girls yesterday. Geez Louise! Who doesn’t Gena fire?

I haven’t felt well all day and at lunch I went home to lie down. In the mail Carol Lynn Pearson’s book “Goodbye I Love You,” came in the mail. I couldn’t put it down. I cried, no bawled through the last thirty pages. The story hits too lose to home. I don’t want I be like Gerald. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life going from lover to lover then dying alone. Though Gerald didn’t die alone, he didn’t find his male love either and died being taken care of by women. Should I run back to My wife’s arms and become celibate or do I struggle and fight and see where this adventure I call life takes me? I really would like to die. I’m not having a lot of joy in my life right now. I would like to join Sam and Toby. Why struggle, tussle, and scuffle? I am ready to lie down and become a meadow.

I brought Russ Lane some chicken and dumplings tonight. What is life about if not to nurture until the grave swallows us up? Russ had his friend Cary over so I didn’t stay but came home and watched some TV. Jon B. dropped by and could tell that I was down in the dumps and he said that I do have him as a friend and for to always remember that.

After he left I decided I needed to go for a walk to stop crying. I ended up at Beau Chaine's place at 510 East and 500 South. We talked about Billy B. and how much I love him but Beau said that I have to get over him because he isn't worth and besides Beau tried to tell me that it’s in Billy's Eastern European genes to have a defect when it comes to reciprocating love. I don't know about that. I think that's simply Beau's Gallic prejudice of Polish people. I am mentally exhausted. Poor Carol Lynn and Gerald Pearson, and poor Ben and My wife.

10 October 1986 Friday
I called in sick today because I was so nauseous. I slept in until eleven and only got up then because Darrell H was coming by at one for a visit. However at noon Jon B. came by to see how I was doing because he knew I was really depressed over Carol Lynn Pearson’s book. I said I was okay, just tired. It was so sweet of him to care about me. Jon had to go back to work before Darrell came, and Darrell brought some Kentucky fried Chicken for lunch. That was also sweet of him. We visited until nearly three when I told him that I had to go run some errands before the get together tonight. I invited him to come back later to night and join us.

He said that he would enjoy that since he was going to be alone in Salt Lake tonight. Darrell is this 45 year old man from Idaho Falls that I had met several months ago at Affirmation. He was a school teacher who had just been through the trauma of being arrested in a public park in Idaho and after publishing his name in the paper he lost his job and family. He said he was suicidal and that I was the only one who talked to him that night at Affirmation and had given him hope by being saying so many positive things about being a Gay man. I wish I could save people the humiliation of that awful experience.

Anyway in the late afternoon I went to the Barber Shop to have my beard removed but they were so crowded that I didn’t stay to have it down. Instead I went to the store to get something to fix for the evening. I made a crab dip and bought some drinks and apples to bake.

As the day wore on I became even more nauseous and sicker by the minute but it was too late to cancel so I pulled the “old trooper” routine and was the charming host.

Marc L., his lover Bill C, Jon B., Darrell H, and I chitchatted, and played a word game to get to know each other better. We discussed AIDS, the book Goodbye I Love You, and the Gay life. Jon though I was in rare form and guffawed over everything I was saying. He thought I was being witty with him being my best audience but in fact I think I was just getting more delirious. However it was an enjoyable evening with things breaking up at ten-thirty.

After my company left I became sicker and sicker and went right to bed where I began to get the tremors and deliriums from my fever and wanted Billy by my side. I staggered up and called Billy and asked him to please come over and stay with me. He said he was still as work but would after he finished a project he was working on. About two am he came straight from working. I was so delirious that I was rambling. I could tell I was burning up with fever. I laid on the couch with my head in Billy's lap while he watched late night television and finally fell a sleep about four a.m. I am so grateful that Billy's here.

11 October 1986 Saturday
Billy left this morning about nine or ten this morning. I asked him if he would stop by Jon B.'s to ask him to come downstairs. I felt so drained and weak. I asked Jon if he could go to the store and get me orange juice. He also brought down a book by Jerald and Sandra Tanner called Mormonism: Shadow or Reality. I have been so conditioned to think of the Tanners as outrageous liars and monsters while I was LDS but now I find this their writings are quite scholarly and while shocking to an ill informed Mormon, most of what they wrote about was not new to me. However I never saw so such information compiled in one encyclopedic source. For many years I had problems with some of the basic tenants of the Mormon Church, which to my way of thinking were not in harmony with the teachings of Christ. I do not believe in “Blood Atonement”, “Secret Signs and Tokens”, “Polygamy”, “Adam-God”, “Priesthood Authority”, “infallibility of the First Presidency”, “the modern Church incorporated”, “tithing”, and other things I won’t enumerate.

Once Faith promoting incident occurred today. About three thirty I felt well enough to get up and do some dishes when suddenly the clock radio blared on. As I went to turn it off I recognized Ed B.’s voice and he was a guest r on K-Talk Radio discussing homosexuality. I was amazed because I never listen to Talk radio and here my radio was tuned to the station. Figuring that Russ Lane or people at MADGAL might want to listen to the program I started to tape record the program. As my cassette tape was coming to the end, all of a suddenly I heard My wife’s voice as a call-in listener! She called in and was talking about us! I was only able to tape some of her thoughts but what I had mad me cry. I was so grateful that Heavenly Father wanted me to hear how My wife is dealing with our separation and made it possible for me to do so.

Later in the evening Jon brought a married friend of his over to meet me to get some more information on MADGAL. His name was Rich P and we ended up visiting for much of the evening. Incredibly Rich said that he knew who Billy B. was for he has seen Bill at the Deerhunter drinking dark beer, being coy and cutesy about the bar popcorn there, saying it was his and being playful. Billy’s deadly charm. Interestingly Rich said that while he thought Bill was cute he could sense that Bill wasn't really ready to hop in the sack. I knew that. Billy just wants to talk and ply his charm on susceptible men.

Jon and Rich left about ten and I went to bed around ten-thirty still feeling weak from my virus for much of the day.
Additional Material Partial Transcript of the Martin Davies Show on K-TALK Radio
My wife: I would like Mr. Benson to listen to the man that called in the first half on the program who said please don’t shut the door on it I don’t know if my husband was born the way he is. He says he can remember having homosexual feelings when he was three. And my husband is not a liar and I believe him but I also believe this gentleman who called in and says not to close the door on it. I think if we say well we are born that way then it precludes any possibility of change.
Martin: Okay Good point
Ed: If you would like to leave that door open, I certainly would welcome that.
Martin: Can I ask you a couple of questions?
My wife: .Sure
Martin: When you married your husband did you know he was gay?
My wife: No… Viscerally I knew… but he did not tell me that… but deep down I knew he was.
Martin: A Gut Feeling
My wife: Yes my gut feeling was that he was. But it didn’t matter. We are LDS- He’s trying to do the right thing, live the gospel and all this stuff and it just wasn’t enough.
Martin: One of the questions I was going to ask Ed, but we have somebody here to help us, is- how can a wife tell if her husband may be gay?
My wife: Drive by Liberty Park and see if he can keep his head straight.
Ed: I get your point. But maybe the audience doesn’t know what we mean by this. You want elaborate on that?
My wife: You can go ahead.
Ed: I think what she is alluding too is often times, men go to public places such as parks, and this again if people are paying attention to who is going in and out of restrooms, I think this is what she had in mind.
My wife: Yes and the park itself. There are a lot of guys running around the track and I know my husband would often times just break his neck looking at the men instead of the road. That wasn’t the first clue I had but just things like that.
Martin: How did it first come out into the open?
My wife: Well when I married him he had been disfellowshipped and he told me the reason for his disfellowshipment.
Ed: Through the LDS Church.
My wife: Uh Huh (affirmative).
Ed: I see. Well this is what we mentioned earlier that this is not an accepted practice in almost any religion.
My wife: Well my problem with that is… I don’t have any problem with the church’s stand on anything...it’s their church. They can do want they want. But I have a problem with people, and I know its done out of ignorance so I am forgiving of it, but I hope… I really think what you said at the beginning about in the 1980’s we won’t be recommending that people marry as a fix kind of thing, like a cure for it, because it doesn’t fix anything.
Ed: That’s true. Often children are brought into this marriage… they are innocent and its confusing for them and also for ourselves, as your own case has been, I’ve sure, been very difficult.
My wife: Yes.
Martin: How do you feel or get along with your husband?
My wife: Oh I love him. We had a better marriage them most straight people I know.
Ed: And this often can be the case. It can be very effective and a good pairing.
My wife: But he was not unfaithful to me as far as I know.
Ed: This also can be the case. That is what I mentioned earlier in my relationship with my wife of 15 years, I was faithful to her.
My wife: He was…he is…. kind, he’s sensitive, he’s sweet, he’s helpful, he cooks better then I do, cleans house better then I do so I hated to lose him.
Ed: So what you are saying there were a lot of advantages.
My wife: I really hated to lose him… that is what has hurt me so much because I miss him I miss his association so much. And I am in therapy right now and I am trying to work through this so that I will be able to be friends with him and not have my guts ripped out every time I see him.
Ed: Have you read the book of Miss Pearson’s?
My wife: Yeah, I am kind of half way through it right now.
Ed: Okay I think that will give you some good insights too. Her experiences in a very meaningful can be very helpful for you.
My wife: Yeah I think so too. And also Debbie Fairchild’s down at the BYU. She’s a graduate student and she works with people in this situation because she’s been in the same situation too.
Ed: Okay that’s a good resource.
My wife: Uh Huh (affirmative)
Martin: How long were you married?
My wife: Ten years.
Martin: You lived together ten years?
My wife: Uh Huh. (affirmative)
Martin: Was the kind of parting that happened very recently, you know, “okay Sweetheart I got to let you go because you got this in your system and I don’t want to hold you back”? What that your attitude?
My wife: No I wanted to…he left me.
Martin: Yeah that is what I mean.
My wife: Yeah, he said “I love you but I’m not in love with you”, and he felt like part of his life was missing that he had been living a lie, and he had to pursue that… and I hated hearing that. I didn’t want to hear that. I didn’t care if he was homosexual as long as he didn’t act on it.
Martin: Yeah (sympathetic)
My wife And I’m now… this might sound strange but it wasn’t a problem for me.
Martin: How’s he getting along?
My wife: He said he’s happier then he’s ever been.
Ed: How old is this man?
My wife Thirty-five
Ed: So he’ still pretty young isn’t he?
Martin: Did he leave town?
My wife: No, he’s here.
Martin: And if you should see him driving the other way, it really cuts you up badly?
My wife: I can’t stand it. I can’t even stand it. If I see him I’ll cry for two days… and nights.
Martin: Well my unprofessional comment is… you are clearly somebody capable of giving terrific amounts of love. Shall I tell you an old fashion recipe that I have? There is only one way to relieve the pain you are suffering and that is to fall in love with another.
My wife: Oh I believe it. I’m in a divorce adjustment clinic.
Martin: Go right into another relationship.
My wife: That is interesting Martin.
Martin: But the second thing is this… when do met someone and you get a little flash that hey this could be good… don’t compare them. Oh he’s taller then John or he’s shorter then John. Oh John use to do this and this. Don’t ever compare people.
Ed: Everybody is an individual
Martin: Everybody is an individual, and you know in your heart of hearts that someone with as much love in you as you clearly have, you’re going to find somebody.
My wife: Oh I hope so.
Martin: But don’t hunt for him… don’t hunt.
My wife: No I’m burned. I’m not touchable right now. But I figure within a year. I’ll be able to met somebody and be ready for it.
Ed: Yeah, it’s like going through a mourning period. You have to go through that after you have had that loss then you will be able to restore yourself.
My wife: But I will always love my husband. I will always love him.
Martin: Super.
My wife: Even though the world tells me I’m crazy, I can’t help it.
Martin: Of course not… nobody understands these crazy love affairs. That’s the way it goes.
Ed: The unfortunate thing about being a gay person is often the female is vulnerable to that relationship.
My wife: I don’t think this man would never have married if he hadn’t been counseled by the church to do so.
Ed: Well then, this again is a mistake isn’t it?
My wife: Yes… Oh yes…. that is one of the things I like about Carol Lynn Pearson’s coming public with this… that maybe it will prevent and raise consciousness about it.
Martin: Caller I need to put you on hold and my producer would like to have a word with you.
• “When I Think of You” by Janet Jackson is number one song on national charts.

12 October 1986 Sunday
I slept in for most of the morning only getting up to read the Sunday Tribune. My stomach is still nauseous. Billy called me to see how I was. I would like to see him but why?

Jon B. and Mike P. came over in the afternoon to watch some television. I needed to get out of the house so I walked down 6th East to MCC. It felt good to sing some Gospel songs and to worship the Savior in my own personal way.
Back at the apartment, I watched TV with Jon and Mike who were still here and especially enjoyed “I Claudius” the PBS series on the murderous escapades of the first Roman Emperors.

I didn’t go to Affirmation tonight because Russ Lane is in Chicago for the National Affirmation Conference and I am still not feeling up to hiking up the hill to 13th East. I heard Affirmation was a flop anyway.

“I am slowly dying; everything is fine.”
Additional Material-Richard Cochran director of AIDS Project Utah addressed Wasatch Affirmation. He was diagnosed with AIDS in the fall of 1985 and became the first person with AIDS nationally to head an AIDS organization.

13 October 1986 Monday
It was a boring, boring, boring day at work and I was still feeling nauseous. Because it is Columbus Day, and the banks are closed, it was a slow day at work with many people just taking the day off.

In the evening I managed to make it to LGSU because Brook H., the Lesbian I met at the MADGAL support group gave Mike P. and I a ride to campus. It was fun being out and about and in fact I feel much better now for having been out enjoying myself infused with queer energy.

Jim Hunsaker, the President of LGSU moderated the group tonight and had us discussing Gay Personal Ads. He had each of us think about what we are looking for in a relationship and how we would describe ourselves in a minimum of words. Jim then had us each write down a personal ad and I wrote, “Relationship oriented WM Must be Caring, sensitive, intellectual. Hunters, leather, and butch need not apply. Am creative and enjoy being with same. No drag please.”
I really liked Jim Hunsaker’s activity for tonight and I like a good intellectual group activity as much as sex! It’s true! This kid named Tom gave Mike and I a ride home but I am not sure what his last name is. In the Gay world we have no last names.

Kim Garver called me this evening from Washington DC to thank me for my hospitality and for the fun time he had here in Salt Lake. Kim had attended the Chicago Affirmation Conference and said that Russ Lane made a fool of himself there by running so aggressively for vice-president of Affirmation nationally. Poor Russ. When you run through them all will you ever appreciate what you had in me? I am tired and need to go to bed. I wrote a poem today I called October.

14 October 1986 Tuesday
There’s so little to write about. I am tired and lethargic. In the evening I went grocery shopping and then watched some television while visiting with Alma Smith on the phone. Russ Lane also called me to tell me how fantastic his trip to Chicago was.

I am feeling a little bitter today over the lost of innocence I had in the LDS Church. Ultimately I know that I am responsible for all the years wasted, not the church. I really no longer consider myself LDS or Mormon. I’ve excommunicated the church from having power over me and “consign them to the buffeting of Satan”. Or whatever. That’s what they would have pronounced on me if I would have let them. I really am just feeling, “leave me alone and I will leave you alone’, but as long as they keep saying hateful things about Gay people I don’t think it will be possible.

I got rid of the last of my “priesthood garments” yesterday by throwing them in the trash. I haven’t worn garments since last Summer and really don’t believe in what the LDS Church says they represent. Just another form of control over my body I refuse to allow them to have. However I did enjoy the sexy feel that the Bamberg one piece garments had, especially the open crotch.

At lunch today I met with this suit and tie man named Mark at Burger King. He was interested in more information about the married and divorced support group. I could also tell that he was also interested in me but there was something about him that refused to spark for me. He told me of groups of very professional and well connected secreted Gay married men who met for sex parties. Because of their positions in the community and church they have to be very discreet and have asked Mark to inquire about my group. He said that none of these men wanted or could afford to attend MADGAL so what Mark was asking was that if any men attending the support group fit the profile of being a professional or church connected individual, I should refer them to him to see if they would be acceptable to his cabal of married Gay men. I was kind of disgusted and flabbergasted by his request. I felt like I was being asked to pimp. I told him that I wouldn’t do that because MADGAL was a support group to discuss issues of being Gay and Married or divorced, not a sex club. Mark appeared to be a nice man but I was not at all comfortable with his request which suggested that all there was to being Gay was romping around in secret sex parties. He asked if I wanted to attend one of his groups and I said I wouldn’t be interested in going back into the closet.

Later when I was visiting with Jon B., I told him about the conversation I had with this man and he said I should have joined his group to see what it was like. Perhaps I should have but at the time what he was asking of me seemed morally repugnant. I am tired of living lies. I told Jon that I am chucking and getting rid of so much baggage and wreckage from my past that it kind of scares me like I am free-floating. This year has been something else. I am amazed that I’ve found the time to write a word of it.

I've got to get Billy B. out of my life too but I can’t take him to the dumpster.

15 October 1986 Wednesday
I called Billy B. today while at work to see if he wanted to go see Romanovsky and Phillips in concert with me as part of a fundraiser for AIDS Awareness Week. Well he hemmed and hawed around and said that he didn't know if he would feel right about going on Sunday. I finally said, "Gee Bill I didn't mean to create a crisis in your faith. But maybe we can fast about it for three days or maybe go talk to your Bishop about it. Do you think calling the home teachers would do any good? Have them come over and give you' blessing and I'll put your name in the temple so you will make the right decision." I could tell that I had wounded Billy more deeply then I intended and made amends by saying "No. Really. If you need more time to think about it let me know by Friday"

After I hung up I thought "Am I crazy?" letting him manipulate me again by my feeling sorry for him? So I called Billy right back and said, "Just forget it. I'm not going to sit around for three days waiting for you to make up your mind. Forget it. I'll get someone else to go with me".

Work was boring. It’s my mantra lately. It was slower than usual and then with Tony S’s orders not coming to me anymore it cuts down my work load by a fourth. Anyway I did get paid today and cleared $548.

After work I was going to stay home and write out checks for bills to pay but was feeling rather edgy so decided to go the Wednesday Salt lake Affirmation. There was a pretty good turn out, about thirteen which is a lot for John Copper’s group. Those I knew were John Cooper, Craig H., Mike P., Brook H., and Mark the man I met yesterday for lunch. I guess there were thirteen in all and that’s a pretty good turn out.

Anyway we are still talking about how to come out to parents. Mike P. was loaded again and was so God damn metaphysical and all philosophical; spewing all the wisdom he has accumulated in his 24 years. Actually if was kind of funny to me since he was high but I manage to keep him in line so he wouldn’t go ragging on people or as he would say “reading their beads”.

However when he started ragging on Russ Lane I told him to stop being such a bitch and he was good for a while until he slipped again and started in on Russ again. I then said, “Girl retract your claws.” Then again I thought I was really going to lose it when he started in on revealing the Temple Rite penalties and tokens. Geez Louise!

Anyhow this new kid named Boyd Paul, was actually wanting to know how to deal with his parents so I tried to keep the topic focused on that. Mike P., Book H., and I more or less facilitated the meeting tonight because John Cooper and Paul were so timid and boring. It was a pretty good Affirmation because it got rowdy and people actually participated in the discussion rather then sitting passively. It was really fun.

After Affirmation tonight, here comes the good part, that really cute kid named Boyd Paul comes up to me and asks if I had a copy of all the different Gay groups in the community. I said if you like to come back to my apartment I can get you that list. He said sure and by his eagerness I was kind of flattered.

Boyd is about six foot three inches tall, slender build, 23 years old and a BYU student. At my place I offered him a bowl of soup that I had cooking, and he ate two bowls full. Later he confessed that he mainly just ate more so that he could stay longer.

I put some music on, then went and sat next to him. He was hoping I would be forward and I was hoping that he would be. Finally I reached over and kissed him. He was so sweet and responsive.

We made out on the couch for about an half hour when then I suggested that we lie down on the bed. I simply had in mind to be more comfortable but he fervently begins stripping off his clothes. Never one to be a bad host I did likewise.

We made love all night long wrapped in each others arms, and he came three times with him simply rubbing up against me and between my thighs. It was safe sex all the way without any penetration but I can’t begin to tell you how wonderful it felt being with someone who actually was turned on by me. He was so keen on my beard, my hairy chest, and my kisses. I didn’t have to change anything about me to please him. He wanted me because he found me attractive!

I was so thankful to my Heavenly Father. After being rejected by Russ and Billy B., and making me feel undesirable at last I met someone who the amazing qualities that are in me. Boyd was so funny when I told him I was born in Texas; he said he loves Texas and Texans!

Lying in bed in a lovers embrace we talked about ourselves. He said that he’s a returned missionary from Columbia, but has left the church behind and doesn’t wear his garments anymore. Most importantly he not a Republican or likes to hunt! I think I love this guy.
Additional Material• Boyd Samuel Paul was born in Salt Lake City, Utah, on October 29, 1963. After graduating from Murray High School, he served an LDS mission to Cali, Colombia. Boyd graduated from Brigham Young University and served in the Air Force Reserve. He was an Eagle Scout and a member of Affirmation: Gay and Lesbian Mormons. At the time of his death he was working as a lobbyist in Washington, DC. Boyd committed suicide in Washington, DC, on February 9, 1989 by jumping off an overpass onto a Washington Expressway. He was 25 years old. Boyd was survived by his parents, brothers, sisters, nephews, and some special friends in Washington, DC. He is buried at the Murray City Cemetery in Utah.

16 October 1986 Friday
I spent a wonderful night wrapped in Boyd Paul’s arms. We didn’t get up until eight-thirty because we just didn’t want to get out of bed. We too a shower together and Boyd is so sweet. Well we’ve have seen each other in the morning and isn’t that a major test of any relationship?

I went into work dragging and that asshole Tony S. corners me in the hall and hits me up for a buck for a gift he bought Bob E. for Boss Appreciation Day. I told him I didn’t have a dollar on me and he said for me to sign it and I’d owe him a dollar. I told him I wasn’t going to sign it or give him a dollar. Well that really pissed him of an later he comes into my cubicle and says to me, “You really ought to improve your attitude!”

I was so pissed that I marched into Bob’s office and demanded, “Do you have a problem with my attitude?” Bob surprised said, “no” so I then I asked who does Tony think he is to tell me I need to improve my attitude?” Bob taken a back asks, “Is there a problem between the two of you?” and I said, “no, I just don’t talk to him” and Bob has the nerve to say well you don’t talk to me either. I said I don’t talk to anyone around here because when I do I get in trouble!

Bob then tries to calm me down and more or less stated again that he has no problem with my attitude so I march into Tony’s office and bellow, “Who the hell are you to say I need to improve my attitude? And I don’t appreciate being buttoned hole in front of others and hit up for money for a gift you bought yourself with out any of our input. That’s not how its done here. Ask us if we want to contribute for a gift. Don’t demand money for a gift you bought to get all the credit. I know what a brown noser you are” I was fuming at him. Not only that I told him I’m going to talk to Ed Rogers about his attitude which I did. Ed is pissed off at Tony and had told Tony before that he was satisfied with my job performance and to leave me alone. Mr. Rogers also said that Tony wasn’t a good office manager in Provo and he has had run ins with others at Utah Title besides me. Ed also told me to tell Shauna M. what Tony is doing having Bill S doing all his general index searches and by passing me. So I got back at the son of a bitch.

In the evening I mainly cleaned my filthy house and threw out more church stuff. I am trying to straighten up the place before my date tomorrow with Boyd Paul.

I went through a lot of papers from my marriage and from my ride with the LDS Church. I tore up my baptism certificate from 1972, my Patriarchal Blessing from 1973, my priesthood lineage, and my Temple Sealing Certificate. I even threw out my Book of Remembrance, my temple garments, my temple clothes, even my apron that I loved made me. I am doing a thorough inventory of my fife and I realized that I am really not LDS anymore and I just can not find my spiritual path following the teachings of Joseph Smith and his adherents. It’s not only stagnant for me it’s a dead end. If I am to progress I need to find another path that is not so restrictive to my Gay Spirit. When I threw everything away I knew that I was symbolically excommunicating the LDS Church from my life and it felt liberating.

17 October 1986 Friday
Another failed anticipation of love. It was slow at work but okay because I didn’t fight with anyone. I kept thinking of my date and how much fun it was going to be. I dressed casually while Jon B. was over visiting. Billy B. called me about 6:45 to inquire about me but I told him that I couldn't talk long because I was expecting my date with Boyd Paul at any minute. In fact Boyd came to the door while I was on the phone so I was the one who got to cut Billy off for a change and hang up first. Yay!
I introduced Boyd to Jon before he took off. Boyd brought me a bottle of wine and I said that we could drink it when we returned home after our date.

It was a wild and windy evening because of a storm front that was rolling through the valley but it wasn’t that cold just kind of an autumn chill and it felt pleasant to be out in it. We went to La Frontera for dinner and I ordered tamales with rice and beans while Boyd had a chicken enchilada. Encountered Jim P. at La Frontera who was sitting with some friends that appeared straight and it was good to see him again.

We then went to Backstreet where the Gay Rodeo was having a benefit but it was the same old drag queen show. It was rather tiresome really, but we were sitting with Jim Hunsaker and he said he would sponsor us into the Sun after the show.

So off to the Sun we went around ten thirty and the crowd there was small until after eleven so we had the dance floor basically to or selves and we danced a while. There were not a lot of people at the club that I knew. I was half expecting to see Billy B. and Scott W. but I didn’t.

I was really enjoying my date with Boyd and when I spotted Brad T, his Spanish Fork friend Steve B, and Paul from BYU, I introduced them to Boyd. Big mistake. Paul was also with someone else form BYU and Boyd said that he wanted to visited and be with them. However the way he said it to me, it sounded as if he was saying he wasn’t really ready to make a commitment to a relationship with me. That came right out of left field because we hadn’t even discussed anything like that but it was a splash of cold water reality in my face. I told him I understood and to go talk to your friends from BYU, its okay. But he left me sitting alone for an hour while he was carried on with Paul and this other cute kid.

As the time ticked on I did a slow burn, and then went out on the crowded dance floor by myself to dance out my hurt and frustration. Finally at midnight I found Boyd and asked him to take me home. I was cool and aloof to him all the way home. He wanted to walk me to my door and I suppose to fool around, but I only had him come in so I could say “For future reference Boyd, the next time you go out on a date, try spending some time with you date.”

He looked puzzled so I said "I know you just wanted some feed back from other Gay BYU students but you didn’t have to spend the so much time with them". I told him that he would see them again if he keeps going to community events but leaving me so long made me feel like a fool. I told him I was hurt by his insensitivity, that I did not have a good time, and mostly the evening was a drag.

Shit I am going to become celibate or at least date no one under thirty! No one.

• Additional Material Billboard Top ten 1)True Colors, 2) Typical Male, 3) I didn’t Mean to Turn You On, 4) Heart Beat, 5) Amanda, 6) Throwing It All Away, 7) All Cried Out, 8) Human, 9) Sweet Love, 10) Two of Hearts,

18 October 1986 Saturday
I felt rather lethargic and slightly depressed all day over Boyd Paul. I didn’t think he could affect me so much but he has. I talked to Jon B. this morning and told him what happened on my date. He said I had a right to feel upset. For example if a straight guy asked a girl out on a date and then leaves her for an hour to talk to some other girls that would be pretty crummy. Basically that is what Boyd did to me. He did apologize but still. I should be angrier but right now I am just feeling rather sad and missing him. Strange. I know.

It stormed this morning and later this evening.

I bought two tickets for the Romanovsky and Phillips concert next Sunday as part of AIDS Awareness week. I saw Russ Lane two times today while he was down during his laundry. Big deal.

In the evening Craig H. came over to visit with me because he was lonesome. He’s so cute and I could have gone to bed with him but I am too upset. I’m not getting involved again with anybody.

Darrell H, from Idaho, mailed me a package with potato shaped salt and pepper shakers. He called me also and I now know that he’s got a crush on me!

•Additional Material "Typical Male" by Tina Turner is number one on national charts.

19 October 1986 Sunday
I went to bed early last night and slept in today until almost nine o’clock. I did the dishes and straightened up the place. I was not expecting much to happen today but it did.

In the mid afternoon I went over to Beauchaine’s to see Mike P. who is staying with him. Mike wanted to get out of the house so he came back to the Juel apartments with me where then he and I sat and drank vodka, malt coolers, and champagne so we would be drunk for Affirmation. Jon B. came down after a while and joined us in our bacchanalia. We were just being silly when Mike A. came by to take Mike P. to Affirmation while I rode with Jon who also gave Mark C a ride.

I was plastered at Affirmation and wore my Halloween prongers with little plastic pumpkins on the tips. It got a laugh. It was a big crowd at Affirmation, with several people from the Restoration Church attending Lynn L. who has moved to Salt lake City looking for work. She said Pam Calkins will be moving up later this week. I sat with Eddie M. to hear some gossip and he made a off handed comment about Mike H. so he and Eddie must have had a falling out.

I saw Boyd Paul and when I did my heart went out my asshole as Sherrie Hartnek use to say. I went up to him and told him that I still wanted to be his friend and that I probably over reacted some last Friday. Well I said what I had to say and now the ball is in his court.

During the introductions when people tell who they are, I might have been really drunk because I stood up and said that affirmation is only here because of the service and dedication of Russ Lane. He later came up to me and gave me a hug but I said, “Don’t touch me unless you mean it.” It was great to be looped.

When we broke up into smaller discussion groups I went to the one with Boyd in it so I could stare at him and be flamboyant. Boyd I have a crush on you!

After Affirmation, Billy came in late and came up to me. I said, "As I live and breathe! If it isn't Billy B.." I shook his hand and then I flitted down the stairs so I didn't see Billy again but then Mike P., the sot, said that he saw Billy and told him off for using me. That made me mad because Mike had no right to read Billy's beads.

I was also pissed that Mike A. wouldn't take me home when I wanted to go so I walked home. Piss on Affirmation. Why do I keep coming back?

At home I called Billy B. up and said that Mike P. had no right to talk to you the way he did and then I lit into Billy. I told him that we should just go our separate ways. I said that I still love you but Goodbye.

I want to scream my love away and quit wearing my heart out in the open where anyone can abuse it.

It lightened and rained some today.

• Additional Material:Gala Benefit Concert Kicks Off AIDS Awareness Week Events That’s What Friends Are For, a gala benefit featuring music, comedy and mime will kick off AIDS Awareness Week with an evening of entertainment Friday 8 p.m. in Symphony Hall. Among performers at the benefit will be nationally known comedienne Roseanne Barr, (who grew up in Salt Lake City and attended East High School), The Saliva Sisters, and mime artist Joe Pitti. Emcee for the event will be Todd Collard from KISN Radio. Tickets are $10, 12.50, and $15.00 Events for AIDS Awareness Week, sponsored by AIDS Project Utah, will continue on Saturday with a presentation of the film “AS IS” The film version of the play was produced by Showtime for cable television and received 1985 Drama Desk Award for Outstanding Achievement. Colleen Dewhurts and Robert Carradine star in the story of a homosexual stricken with AIDS whose former lover returns to care for him. The film will be shown at 8 P.M. at Bryant Intermediate School 40 South 800 east. Admission is $7. Sunday the entertainment will continue with a performance by Romanovsky and Phillips at the Bryant School. The campy duo has garnered a national following by singing about their lives as gay men. The concert will begin at 8 p.m. Admission is $7. AIDS Awareness Week will continue through October 31 with daily morning and evening seminars on legal, emotional, and health care concerns surrounding Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome. For further information on these and other events contact AIDS Project Utah. (Salt Lake Tribune E12)
• .That’s What Friends are For benefit for AIDS Project Utah. Roseanne Barr, comedienne, Saliva Sisters, nostalgic music, Johnny Crawford, thirty’s music. Symphony Hall 8 p.m. (Salt Lake Tribune E14)

20 October 1986 Monday
I wrote some poems today and one I called, “My Mormon wife” actually made me cry. The other poem is called “The Gay Bar Blues”.

I went with Mike P. to LGSU in the evening. Brook H. and her lover Nancy P. gave us a ride. At the meeting Jim Hunsaker let a discussion on how are our Gay Role Models? My list included Bruce Barton, Jim Hunsaker, John Cooper, Scott M., Pam Calkins, Duane Dawson, Auntie De, Gerald Pearson, Meg C., and Romanovsky and Phillips. Most of the people on my list were mostly Salt lake community leaders who are willing to put something back into the community.

I feel strange like change is in the air again. What to do? I am alone and it’s scary after all these years. It’s over between Billy B. and I. It's over between Russ Lane and I, and I suppose between sweet Boyd Paul and I.

• Additional Material- A LIE by Ben Williams
You needed my warmth
But not my fire
You needed my love
Without my desire
I needed to soar
But you said no higher
I wanted the truth
But needed a liar
21 October 1986 Tuesday
It was a slow day at work and kind of a drizzly day. I wrote two poems today was called Gay Bar Blues and the other Friends. My poems are more like lyrics that will never be set to music.

After work I had planned on a quiet night at home but I was edgy and getting more and more depressed and raiding the kitchen so I decided to go for a walk. Jon B. was at the Salt Lake Men’s Choir practice so I walked to Bryant Intermediate to meet with him after rehearsals. He could sense I didn’t want to be alone so he invited me along with other guys from the choir out for coffee at Dee’s on 4th South. Jim P. sat with us, but this incredibly handsome guy named Rand B really lit my fire. Found out that he’s in a relationship with Adrian R so nothing can come of it but the flirtation was titterating.

One of the members of the choir brought his sixth grade son along and he went on and on about his girlfriend and how she’s always calling him. I asked him does she "titter" when she calls and he responded, “No she’s flat”. Jon B. just about busted a gut laughing but it went over my head at first!

After arriving home at ten-thirty, Jon and I talked about the direction of our lives until about eleven thirty. When I was just about ready to turn in and go to bed, Darrell H of all people dropped by needing to talk so we visited until two in the morning when I told him really needed to get some rest.

Darrell has a major crush on me and I hope I am not leading him on by being friendly to him. I’ve never given him the slightest impression that I am interested in a relationship with him other than friends. He’s a sweet man but not my type. His court appearance was today and he really needed someone to talk to about the trauma.

• Additional Material- FRIENDS by Ben Williams
Do you really think I shall ever forget you?
Or that warm night we made love under cool covers.
I held you firm to my heart all through the night
As the stars faded and the moon lost all her light.
Do you really think I could ever forget you?
The TV played on until the Late Show was over.
You fed my desire. I fed your empty hunger
As we lay silent softly breathing. I longed for
Your touch as you played by my side close to me in bed
Reaching out, holding you. I was then your lover.
The sweet smell of musk from your sensuous smooth skin
Sent my senses soaring. Words better left unsaid
Filled my empty head. How Will I ever stop loving you?
Now that you’re gone; Please remember me now and then
And smile, knowing I shall be your true friend.

22 October 1986 Wednesday
Darrell H asked me out for lunch today so we went to China Village on Main Street. Lunch was good and while we visited I let him do most of the talking to release his feelings about his being convicted yesterday on lewdness charges, losing his teaching job, and the alienation of his Mormon family. With all that on his plate he seems to be in good spirits. He said he was suicidal when he first was arrested.

After work I went to the Crossroad Urban Center to prepare for the MADGAL Meeting. We had to meet upstairs instead of the parlor because if a board of directors meeting the center was having. We had fourteen people show up for this our third meeting! Beauchaine came to the meeting and tried to run the show. Finally as conciliatory as I could be I told him “Beau this is my night to facilitate the group. If you want to lead the meeting next time I will be happy to turn the time over to you then. Beauchaine is not really interested in our married group but just promoting his own Cabaret organization.

Today is my niece Denise Elizabeth Wachs 15th Birthday. She’s growing up so fast. I thought about her a lot today.

• Additional Material 22 October 1986-U.S. Surgeon General C. Everett Koop advised that sex education that includes information on both Gay and straight relationships would help prevent the spread of AIDS

23 October 1986 Thursday
Darrell H took me out to lunch again and this time we went to The Slouvaki Greek Restaurant on 3rd west and 6th North. I told Darrell that I feel kind of funny about his taking me out to lunch so much but he poopahed that and said that he’ on vacation and was enjoying my company. I then was very honest with him about my feelings that we could only be friends and he said he was fine with that.

In the evening we went to another little Chinese place, the Jaded Dragon on Broadway between Main and State. It was good too but not as good as China Village. Darrell says he needs someone to talk to and he enjoys my company. He’s thinks of himself on vacation from Idaho. I told him that I enjoy being with him too but that I didn’t have the funds to reciprocate eating out. Darrell is a sweet man and knows that I am not taking advantage of him but still it’s a fine line to walk, trying to just be friends with someone who is really infatuated with you. I wouldn’t want to hurt Darrell’s feelings for the world.

After dinner we went to the Deerhunter where I bought myself a drink. Darrell is not yet drinking alcohol. It was interesting sitting at the bar visiting. It’s something I usually never do. Go out to just have a drink I mean. It’s a nice break from the routine. Darrell tells the worse yokel jokes. They are so dumb that they’re funny but in a real rural kind of way. Kind of the jokes you tell when you are in 5th Grade. Darrell bought me some drink coasters for my place in the shape of giant buffalo nickels and pennies. They are cute but he thought they were hilarious!

After coming home from the Deerhunter, Mike P. dropped over for a while and I was glad for his company because Darrell, to tell the truth, was getting a little too cornball for me. Mike said he burned his arm at his work rather severely but otherwise he seemed in good spirits.

• Additional Material Surgeon General C. Everett Koop urged parents and educators Wednesday to teach teenagers how to prevent AIDS and warned against, “free wheeling casual sex,” that spreads the virus causing the disease. “A condom should be used during sexual relations from start to finish with anyone whom you know or suspect is infected, “ he said at a news conference to announce the publication of a booklet containing his report about AIDS. As of October 20, the Center of Disease Control recorded 26,500 cases of AIDS in United States. “I would say there are going to be some very interesting conversations in the bedroom,” adding “we’re talking about death here.” (Salt Lake Tribune A1)
• Vowing to prosecute an “explosion of obscenity with a vengeance,” Attorney General Edwin Meese III unveiled Wednesday a seven point anti-pornography program that includes the creation of a federal strike force and center of obscenity prosecution. (Salt Lake Tribune A1)

24 October 1986 Friday
Darrell H wanted to take me to lunch one more time before leaving to return to Idaho Falls. We went to the Red Iguana and it’s the first time I have ever been there. It’s good but not as good as La Paloma’s.

I later told Jon B. that it was getting to be pretty nice being taken care of by Darrell. I can see why young ones look for Sugar daddies. I told Jon that I was worried that I was taking advantage of Darrell’s feelings for me but Darrell did say to me that he knew that I do a lot for Gay people in Utah, and I have fixed a lot of dinners for lots of people and have taken people out to dinner when I could. He said it was now my turn to be taken out to dinner. That really made me feel better because I do believe in karma and that what goes around eventually comes around.

When I think how Russ Lane and Billy B. used me incessantly for their own comfort, its only right that some of that comes back to me. I know that Darrell will be blessed in some way also. Cast your bread upon the waters.

After work I came home to type up some of my poems when Alma Smith called to visit. He said he’s without transportation like me right now so its been hard for him to get about and about.

Later about nine thirty, I was bored sting home so decided to go out. So I rode my bike down to Backstreet where I encountered Guy Larson from Affirmation and Ken Francis from LGSU. I saw Scott W. at Backstreet and he was quite stand offish to me so I went up to him and said, "Just because Billy's an asshole there's no reason why we can't be friends." I stayed and danced with Guy and Ken until one in the morning then rode my bike on home. It wasn’t too cold out about fifty degrees.

• Additional Material: AIDS Project Utah sponsored another AIDS Awareness Week with Comic Roseanne Barr, the “Domestic Goddess” performing for an AIDS Project Utah benefit at the Symphony Hall. Singer Davyd Daniels was the co-producer and was the opening act. Other entertainers included Johnny Crawford of the Rifleman, the Saliva Sisters, Mime Joe Pitti, Rusty Richards. Event hosted by actress, June Lockhart. Emcee was Todd Collard from KISN 97FM radio. Val Smithson participated in recording music for some of the performers and assisted as sound technician. That’s What Friends Are For… A Gala Benefit Event at Symphony Hall. Tickets were $15.00 Over 900 people attended. Roseanne Barr was sister of Ben Barr a member of the Gala planning committee. Rick Cochran was given an award by show’s producer Catrine McGregor Cash. He created a faux pas when he expressed his gratitude for this “the first AIDS Awareness Week” although the Royal Court had twice already sponsored activities. Many from the court were offended causing a rift between APU and The Royal Court.
• Utah’s Domestic Goddess (Roseanne Barr) Comedienne Comes Home for AIDS Awareness Show Comedienne Roseanne Barr, America’s own 33 year old “Domestic Goddess”, said any woman can become one. A prospective Goddess needs two things. “Define herself as one and stop listening to what others say. Changing from housewife to Domestic Goddess is a spiritual awakening.” Ms. Barr is in Salt Lake City, a place she likes since she no longer has to live here, appear at a benefit to kick off AIDS Awareness week in Utah. The show “That’s What Friends Are For”, sponsored by AIDS Project Utah, will also feature The Salvia Sisters, mime artist Joe Pitti, and guitarist Johnny Crawford. It’s Friday at 7:thirty at Symphony Hall. She grew up in Salt Lake City and attended Emerson Elementary, Roosevelt Junior High and a year at East High. “I’m doing the show for my brother Ben Barr, assistant director of AIDS Project Utah and an emotional support peer counselor. I also think it’s important to d something about this horrible disease. Along with doing the concert, she will be visiting her parents, Helen and Jerry Barr who reside here. “I think it would be great to film me at some of my old haunts-Sugarhouse Park, Liberty Park, Memory Grove, and my favorite place Bill and Nada’s Café, “ she laughed. “Actually I’d like to take the cameras inside and film after midnight to get the real feel of the place. Bill and Nada’s has good food and generous helpings,” she mused. “That’s a thing about Salt Lake City. There is good food and big helpings anyplace. It’s kind of a conspiracy to make women fat. I like that. Utah likes fat women. There’s an ice cream place on every corner and those big Dunford chocolate doughnuts with chocolate frosting. There’s not another doughnut like it on earth. When asked her least favorite memories of Salt Lake City, she said in jest, a sanctimonious attitude, in fact you have to drop dead and bed to get a drink and Salt Lakers are not nice to smokers. (Salt Lake TribuneC-1)
• Rock group Berlin performed at the Salt Place Assembly Hall
• “Ken” Eugene Francis born 30 Apr 1962 in Michigan. He died 10 Nov 1993 Oakland, CA age 31. Ken Francis was nick-named “Sugar-Tush” which is what most everyone who knew him called him. Ken was a “trick” name that he was using when he met some guys in Liberty Park who invited him to LGSU and Affirmation. They introduced him as “Ken” so the name stuck. He was a returned LDS missionary with an fun and endearing personality.
• MY DATE by Ben Williams
My date is tonight I got to get ready.
Got to shave my face and why must I have a zit in such an obvious place?
What should I wear that won’t clash with what we are having for dinner?
The Beef Stroganoff is ready .
Almost.
It needs sour cream.
Whisky Sours for later.
I hope he likes Old Crow and not Jim Bean
The front room is clean.
The table is set now to make the bed.
I don’t know why because we’ll be back there after he’s fed.
But only if I’m lucky
He’s so cute.
I really could just die.
I can’t believe he said yes to dinner.
I hardly know the guy.
He’ll be here any minute.
The white zinfandel is nicely chilled.
What if he’s just being nice?
After dinner he’s suddenly ill!
Or has to be off to visit a friend who’s dying of AIDS
Quit tormenting yourself.
He said he’d come over.
You’ve got it made in the shade.
He’s here and I’m not ready.
It’s got to be him ringing bells at the door.
Look in the mirror one time more.
Still beautiful.
Same as before.
“Hi, come on in and sit down.
Go ahead and your jacket take off.
Dinner’s almost ready.
Have some wine.
Hope you like Beef Stroganoff.
(Actually I hope he likes stroking off)
Sitting down next beside him, he smiles and looks into my eyes.
Boldly I smile back, my leg touches his.
I place a hand on his thigh then he leans into me closely
and we begin to softly sweetly kiss.
I fondle his dark blond hair gently and he my face gently caresses.
Soon passions are ignited.
All our love to each other we gave and dinner we ate in bed later.
Thank God for my Microwave

25 October 1986 Saturday
It was a beautiful day out so I heard people say. As for me I didn’t venture out until the sun was almost going down. I sat around for most of the day typing and composing poetry.

In the evening I went out with cute Craig H. who wanted to go to the March of Dime’s Haunted House but didn’t want to go alone. It was a lot of fun and Craig is such a little kid at heart. He’s so sweet but emotionally he more like a 15 year old then a 25 year old man. He wanted to hold my hand on the bus ride back home so we sat way in the back row where no one could see us. He was acting like it was such a forbidden thrill. Just like a kid.

Anyway after dropping him off at nine I decided to head down to the Deerhunter and visited with this extremely boring guy from Brigham City until ten thirty. I couldn’t take anymore of him so I rode my bike over to Backstreet were I saw a lot of familiar faces from the Restoration Church and some other I knew there. I danced with Eddy M. and his date Ken “Sugar Tush” Francis. I knew Sugar Tush from LGSU and Affirmation. Eddy told me some gossip about the Restoration Church saying others are getting disenchanted with Tony Feliz the Prophet. I danced with Sugar Tush and while he may not be the brightest light bulb in the carton his smile makes up for it. He lights up a room and his laughter, which is somewhere between a giggle and a nervous laugh, is infectious.

I stayed at Backstreet until one in the morning then decided to ride my bike on home. This is the first time I’ve actually gone to the bars alone unescorted. I am finally feeling comfortable and knowing enough people not to feel left out of the scene.

• Additional Material: Forrest Tucker, Gay American actor died (1919-1986). Best known as Beauregard Burnside in Auntie Mame.
• "True Colors" by Cyndi Lauper number one song on National Charts
• FAITH by Ben Williams
He left California, traveling on a bus
Alone, weary, across the star lit desert sand
Blinded by the gaudy glare and lights of Vegas
Soon in the fumes of stale diesel and oil
The bus rolled out into the unknown promised land
Safe and warm secure. Inside is a tired lonely boy
Who cannot sleep. Fears and anticipation
Are like grimy sweat rolling down young under arms.
Up an asphalt road towards higher elevation
Winding through sleepy hamlets, the stars are obscured
Phantoms forming shadows, the bus slides pass still farms
Into St. George, Utah. All shapes are bleary and blurred.
The bus pulls out. All on board are trying to rest
A tired mother lets her sullen child just whine.
Two young soldiers on leave, laugh, play cards, and jest.
Overhead a bulb flickers, impossible to sleep.
The boy watches as strange names on fluorescent green signs
Quickly pass and jump through the inky dark in great leaps.
Hurricane, Parowan, Cedar City, Fillmore
Firmly clasping his childhood pillow to his breast
Nephi, Payson, Spanish Fork, finally Provo
Lightly the old feather pillow to which he clung
For seven hundred miles slips from his pilgrim’s chest
As he arrived on the campus of Brigham Young
Faithfully he registers, then fears something’s wrong.
A towering Saint stares and says “Your hair’s too long.”
• THIS TIME by Ben Williams
Funny, you know this time I really thought he’d stay.
This time it was different; this time it was real.
Why was it so different? He still went away.
But he wanted me. I didn’t want him. No big deal.
But he was cute, and the sort whose smile made him shy.
(His curly blond hair was made to run fingers through.)
Funny, this time I thought love would last and be true
Funny, this time it was different. Don’t know why
Perhaps because his eyes, spying mine, sparkled and shined
His lips parting softly as I pressed mine to his.
His arms reaching, searching, and soon we were entwined.
And his face flushed, and my blood raced as we kissed.
Funny, this time I felt different, something new
Hearts pounding; bodies stirring; our lips moist and wet
I asked him to lay with me and our bodies met
In sweet excitement, passions no longer subdued
As his power was spending on my loving thighs.
His hot sultry breath caressed my neck and shoulder.
We embraced tighter, gazing into loving eyes.
Our kisses were probing, deep, each one more bolder.
Engulfing me in raptures only lovers know.
Like he and I, who loved with both body and soul,
Had for a brief moment. It seemed to me endless then.
Who knew it would not last past light of day
Funny, you know this time I really thought he’d stay.

26 October 1986 Sunday
What I planned to be a relaxing Sunday turned out to be rather exciting when a bunch of people dropped over all through out the day.

This morning I straightened up the place and walked down to buy a Sunday paper but before I was able to settle in and read it, Brad T called and wanted to know if he could come by. I said certainly. So I made up some peanut butter cookies for a snack when Mike P. came over with booze and dope. He wants to come in and get high so we sit on the couch and I get glasses for his orange juice and vodka. The breakfast of champions. He also lights up a joint and passes it to me where I take a small toke and before I know it I am one toke over the line. I am such a light weight.

When Mike A. drops in I am stoned already so when he breaks open the booze he brought I though Why not? I had bought Mike A. and Jon B. a ticket to the Romanovsky and Phillips Concert tonight so he wanted to spend the afternoon at my place. Then when Jon B. came down, he took a toke, and I had a full house. Four Queens. Or is that a Royal Flush? When Brad T finally came he was the only one not getting high. Mike P. and Brad decided to join Mike, Jon and I for the concert and we walked over to Bryant Intermediate, which is only a couple of block northeast from my apartment, and I am surprised we didn’t get arrested for creating such a ruckus on the way over.

The concert started at eight and was wonderful. I just love those guys and their queer energy however I think their concert last April may have been a bit more fun but maybe it was because it was the first time I ever heard them. But tonight was a blast and was the first time I ever went to a concert stoned.

After the concert, joined by Guy Larson and back at my place, we did something awful which we probably wouldn’t have done if we weren’t all stoned. We were all talking about Russ Lane and how he sometimes tricks with the guys who call him about Affirmation, so at the time it seemed like a good idea to call Russ up and pretend to be a novice interested in Affirmation.

Mike A. calls Russ, using his acting skills, pretends that he is someone else and that he wants to know more about Affirmation. I set Mike up with all that I knew about Russ’ love of Spanish guitars, hooking up with someone with a general authority connection and who speaks Spanish. While Mike was smoozing Russ the rest listened in on the other line in the bedroom after removing the mouth piece so Russ wouldn’t hear us giggling.

Geez Louise. It was worse then I thought. Russ went on and on and on promoting the virtues of Affirmation. Russ should go into public relations he’s gets so excited about what he is promoting. No one else loves or promotes Affirmation as much as Russ does for what ever reasons.

We were almost disappointed when Russ slyly says after Mike tells him that he’s the nephew of a General Authority, “We ought to meet in person where they could talk some more. So Mike takes the cue and starts flirting and Russ responds right back and from there it kind of snowballed and got out of hand. I think Mike A. enjoyed being the imp. Russ invited the imaginary investigator over for dinner on Tuesday and that is where Mike left him hanging.

I told Brad, Guy Larson, Jon, and Mike P. and Anderson that they must never let Russ or anyone else know about this prank. Russ would be really hurt and instead of this being funny it’d be cruel. I made them swear. I didn’t get to bed until after one in the morning.

27 October 1986 Monday
I wasn’t too hung over today, so it wasn’t a bad day at work except that Canyon A. called me into his office, where as “a friend” he grilled about my status in the LDS Church. He said that he has been hearing rumors about me being “inactive” and he wanted to know how I felt about the church. Of course I couldn’t come right out and say that I think its full of shit and that I have left it behind so I coyly said not to worry because people gossip all the time about everyone but did say that it’s a false doctrine that says if you love your neighbor you will inform on him when you suspect him going astray. I also told Canyon that I have a problem with the church’s “new” doctrine of the infallibility of the Living Prophet. But other then that I simply said, “Canyon, this is how I feel about the church. I am a convert. I graduated from BYU. I am an Elder. I am married in the temple, and I went on a Stake Mission in California. Draw your own conclusions.” And he did. I can’t help it if they were all wrong.

I went to LGSU in the evening where we discussed hypothetically future events in the Gay community. Brook H. and Nancy P. gave me a ride up to campus and Guy Larson took me home, where I had him come in and visit for a while. He’s just coming out of a marriage also.

After he left, I wanted to go to bed early but didn’t. I had to write Russ a letter from his imaginary friend telling him that he had to cancel his date Tuesday because a long time lover had called him and they were going to try and get back together. I wanted to let Russ down in the most kind way. I couldn’t stand knowing that Russ was waiting and waiting for someone who would never show up. I have been there before. After writing it I went up stairs and slipped it under his door.

• Additional Material: AIDS Project Utah sponsored nine different speakers to come to Utah and participate in a lecture series on AIDS. Dr. Mathilde Krim suggested that AIDS spread in the Gay Men’s community from tainted gamma goblin during the Hepatitis B experiments on Gay Men in the late 1970’s.

28 October 1986 Tuesday
I went to my Dynacomp training meeting at eight this morning by riding my bike downtown. After returning and dropping my bike off at the apartment, and I encountered Russ Lane who said he needed to talk to me. I had him come down to my apartment and he told me all about this “mythical” person who he was infatuated with and who had broken his heart. I had to pretend that I was hearing all this for the first time, but I was able to hold Russ again in my arms and really take a good look at him. It made me realize how very much I still care for this man. I don’t know why. Maybe its because I know his heart perhaps.

Afterwards I went into work with nothing new going on there. In the evening I made up the enchiladas and the Spanish rice in advance for tomorrow’s soiree. After that I decided to walked up to Bryant Intermediate to watch the Men’s Choir rehearse but since I didn’t see Jon B. or Rand B they must have gotten out early. I then walked over to Billy B.’s place where when I arrived I saw that the lights were off, so he probably wasn't at home. I walked back home and went to bed around ten-thirty

29 October 1986 Wednesday
Canyon A. called me into his office to tell me some office gossip saying that they are considering me to manage the Recording department in January when Gena leaves to be trained in Escrow. I think I might go for that if it gets me out from under Bob E.’s thumb. He also said that Jon B. is going to be allowed to go in to searching for Title Officer Brent G. I’m happy for Jon.

At home I was busy getting dinner ready for my guests. I was excited for most of the day at the anticipation of seeing Rand Barker again. He really turns me on. It was a lot of work getting dinner together, fixing sour cream enchiladas, Spanish rice, and frijoles. For desert I made a peach cobbler to serve with vanilla ice cream.

Dinner was at eight and Jon arrived first then Rand and his partner Adrian R. They brought me some wine. At dinner Jon mentioned that he just finished reading Carolyn Pearson’s “Goodbye I love You” and he was close to tears. I told him that I boo hooed all through the last thirty pages myself. Discovered that Adrian R is a King Kong fanatic like myself. We bored the others as we related all our favorite parts and why? Then we sang, “What every happened to Fay Wray, that delicate satin draped frame. As it clung to her thigh how I started to cry for I wanted to be dressed just the same.”

All through dinner I kept eyeing Rand because I couldn’t keep my eyes off him. We all ate until we were stuffed and afterwards we finished off the wine, played the Truth Game which was a real intimate way of getting to know each other. I also gave them the Mattel Personality Test and this was Rand’s results:
Color; Blue- cool, electric, caressing, shimmering, tropical
Animal: Panther- sleek, sensual, silent, penetrating
Water: Mediterranean Sea- romantic, warm, entreating, embracing
Room: Sheltered, hopeful, lonely, expectant
Adrian’s was the following:
Color: Green- leafy, grassy, brilliant, summery
Animal: elephant- large, gray, big humongous
water: Black Sea- Large, calm, watery, soothing
Room: boxed, suffocated, stifled, lost
Jon B.’s was the following:
Color: Purple-dark, somber, fearful, soothing
Animal: Horse-strong, large, fast, noble
Water: Ocean-deep cold salty rough
Room- alone, safe, restless, curious

All interesting answers. The party broke up after eleven and while holding Rand, I kissed him goodbye and he was rather passionate. It was a sweet evening with the underpinnings of romance. I really like Adrian too and Jon. A foursome perhaps? After all this is Utah.

• Additional Material: Two AIDS Nurses J.B. Mulligin, Porter Warren Discuss Unpopular Job Its not fun, its not pretty, but AIDS Awareness Week is important in bringing some vital view points to the state from through the country. Utah’s most experienced practitioners have handed perhaps a dozen cases each, while J B Mulligan, an adult nurse practitioner has now see 900 AIDS patients at San Francisco General Hospital’ put patient clinic. At San Francisco General Hospital where more patients have been treated than any other facility in the world, the average stay for AIDS patients is eleven days. That is between the time of diagnosis and death. Warren Porter, a Registered Nurse from Los Angeles alleged patient abuse is still going on in American Hospitals by homophobic staff members. She cited the case of a Fort Lauderdale Florida patient who she said lost 45 pounds and looked like a prisoner at Dauhau when he was released from the hospital. Frightened nurses had apparently refused to help the weakened man eat. He died 48 hours after being discharged. “these are the same people who said, “It’s okay. He was only a dirty queer.” When you check into the hospital for the first time with pneumocystic corinii pneumonia and the first thing that happens to you is some guy walks up and asks what code status you want. He’ll ask whether or not you want to be resuscitated. That’s a very scary thing when you’re really not thinking you are going to die,” said J B Mulligan. (Salt Lake Tribune B3)
The Salt Lake Tribune editorial board wrote in editorial Surgeon General Has Reasons For Increasing Sex Education: AIDS, the disease without a cure has already killed 15,000 of its victims in the United States. These grim facts scare people. Many, as seen by the recent decline in national support for legalizing homosexual relations, California Initiative to quarantine AIDS carriers, and various lawsuits to keep AIDS infected children out of the public schools are striking out in the wrong direction. By edict of the Utah State Board of Education public schools are prohibited from teaching about the “intricacies of intercourse”, the “acceptance of homosexuality”, and “how to do it approaches to contraceptive techniques.” Various value laden interpretations of the time worn policy have discouraged teachers from even broaching the subject of intercourse, homosexuality, and contraceptives. Utahns obviously cannot teach their children about AIDS infection and death if they refuse to discuss its causes. (Salt Lake Tribune A-10)

30 October 1986 Thursday
Billy B. called me at work to tell me that he's back from his trip to Seattle. I never even knew that he had left but it was good to hear from him.

After work I just wanted to watch a little TV and to clean the house up from yesterday when Mike P. called and wanted to come over to watch TV with me. I guess he is bored. I said sure but he was still stoned and was just wanting me to provide a space where he can smoke his dope. That gets tiresome if its not a party or special occasion. I’m sorry I am just not a pot head. I’m just “addicted to love.”

I really don’t like being around people who feel like they have to be stoned all the time. Besides that, once he’s high he gets the munchies and while here he eats up all the left over from the party that I had planned on living on for a while. That really pissed me off primarily because of his lack of consideration. I’d feed Mike if he was really hungry but when he’s just on a pot induced munchy spree, I can’t afford to feed that habit.

What really pissed me off however was that while I was doing the dishes, he brings me the one he had been using to wash and doesn’t say a thing about helping me! Well I was raised to be hospitable but not a door mat. I save that experience for people I am in love with. It really made me upset with him because of his lack of consideration. I am not his mother. If he’s just going to be a pot head then I don’t need him in my life.

• Additional Material: Human Cells Not Cockroaches Spreading AIDS Mosquitoes and cockroaches cannot be blamed for the spread of AIDS nor can anything other than specifically infected human cells according to one of the researchers who originally isolated the HIV. Dr. Jay Levy, an immunologist research specialist and professor of medicine and pathology at the University of California at San Francisco said Wednesday that myth should be laid to rest once and for all.” Dr. Levy put down the premise suggested in Salt Lake Monday during the keynote address by dr. Mathilde Krim, co-chair of the American Foundation for IADS Research. Dr. Krim hypostasized that the concurrent appearance of the horrendous disease through out the world may have resulted from use of gamma globulin extracted from African blood donors. Gamma Globulin is often given to homosexuals because of their high exposure to hepatitis B. While the HIV virus spreads rapidly to many different kinds of cells in the body, it is very fragile. (Salt Lake Tribune B1)
• UTAH NOW FACING PROBLEM OF AIDS By ROBERT LINDSEY, SPECIAL TO THE NEW YORK TIMES For years many residents of this predominantly Mormon state believed there was no AIDS problem, in line with the church's conservative sexual teaching. Now, at the suggestion of the state's small community of homosexuals, Gov. Norman Mike H. Bangerter has proclaimed this ''AIDS Awareness Week,'' and Mayor Palmer DePaulis of Salt Lake City has taken a lead in warning residents about the spread of acquired immune deficiency syndrome. The fatal disease is transmitted by a virus through sexual contacts or exchanges of blood that, in the United States, has principally affected homosexual males and intravenous drug abusers. More than 65 percent of Utah's 1.6 million residents are Mormons, members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a fast-growing religious organization whose doctrines rank homosexuality, adultery and fornication next to murder in grievousness among major sins. Warnings Since 1981 Some physicians here have been warning since 1981 that Utah, like any other state, was susceptible to the spread of AIDS. But because the conservative Mormon influence is so strong here, many Utahans predicted that their state would be little affected by the disease. Some church leaders had said it emergence proved that God shared the Mormons' condemnation of homosexuality. Now some residents say that it is time to acknowledge how difficult it can be to suppress human sexual conduct and that Utah has been affected by many of the same currents of change that have affected American society elsewhere. Church members who become identified as homosexuals are directed by the church to marry, and they face excommunication if they do not cease homosexual contacts. In a state so dominated by one religion, this can lead to social ostracism and difficulty in obtaining or keeping a job, former members of the church say. As a result, these former members say there is great pressure not to acknowledge a homosexual orientation. Despite the vigorous moral climate, however, Utah has not been spared a problem with AIDS. #47 Cases Since '83 Since August 1983, according to Craig Nichols, the state epidemiologist, 47 Utahans have been diagnosed as having AIDS, and 24 of the victims have died. Although the rate of infection is a tiny fraction of that in coastal cities such as New York or San Francisco, state health officials expect the number of cases to grow, especially among bisexual males. Health officials say the strong religious and social pressure on Utahans to marry and the strong taboo against homosexuality have led an unknown number of Mormon men to lead double lives; after yielding to pressure to enter a heterosexual marriage they continue to have sexual relations with men, and if they become infected with AIDS there is a high risk that they will transmit the disease to their wives and unborn children. “'Because of the cultural differences here,'' said Jessalyn Pittman, director of the AIDS Control Program in the Utah Department of Health, ''we're very concerned about the problem of bisexual men.'' 'You Can't Believe the Guilt' ''A lot of men are forced to marry, and then they play around on the side,'' said Davyd Daniels, a former Mormon who said that when he was 12 years old he tried to commit suicide because he could not deal with the conflicts between his homosexual urges and the guilt he said the church imposed on him because of its renunciation of homosexuality. ''You can't believe the guilt,'' he said. ''We have people committing suicide all the time because they can't handle it,'' said Ben Barr, assistant director of a group largely composed of homosexuals that organized ''AIDS Awareness Week.'' Mr. Barr, who is 26 years old and Jewish, said that although he was not a Mormon he still felt pressure as a fourth-generation Utahan to marry young and did so when he was 16, even though he realized he was a homosexual. Now divorced, Mr. Barr has a ten-year-son. William Blevins, 40, a former librarian at the Mormon Church's genealogical center, said the church put pressure on him to marry at 24 in the belief ''it would cure me'' of homosexual leanings. Homosexual Organizations It did not, he said, adding that ''I still had my feelings'' and that after he fathered four children the church discharged him, then excommunicated him and forced him to disclose the identities of several other employees at the church's headquarters with whom he had had sexual relations. He said his wife left him and remarried and he no longer has custody of the children. Despite the strong taboos against homosexuality, a half-dozen bars cater to homosexuals here and homosexuals have their own monthly magazine, several social organizations and their own church, Affirmation, that follows many Mormon teachings. Mr. Nichols, the state epidemiologist, estimates there are thirty,000 homosexual men in the state. Homosexual leaders assert the number is much larger because many Mormon husbands, in Mr. Daniels's words, ''are afraid to come out of the closet.''

31 October 1986 Friday Halloween
I had so much fun today its hard to know where to begin. I dressed as a hippy at work with a leather headband, a blousy shirt from 1971, flared bell bottom pants, and sandals with flowers in my hair. There wasn’t a party at work like Ticor use to do and very few people dressed up because of the low morale due mostly to Bob E. being a louse of a manager.

Anyway, I left at five to go with Jon B. to Marc L.’s for dinner and to have him do my makeup for doing drag tonight. Marc’s not doing Alice anymore but still has all his make-up kit and wigs. He is letting me borrow his wig and high heels. It was fun having him fuss over me even though I am not really into all that but its fun once in a while. He wanted me to take off my beard and I said no way! Not for one night so I will be the bearded lady. When he was done it was wild looking and let me just say I was not a pretty girl. I wore a blouse that tied in a bow in the front and a lavender corduroy jumper with some costume pearls. The blouse and jumper I found in my old clothes trunk and they had been My wife’s. Its what she wore when she and I was married in 1977 so in a way I am wearing my wife’s wedding dress!

I let Jon B. wear my hippy clothes along with this homemade green vest since I no longer needed them. It was fun just playing dress up. Marc didn’t feel like going out, he was in a mood, so Jon and I left about seven-thirty to head to MCC on 6th East. LGSU was hosting a Halloween Party in the Church basement. I had Jon swing back to the apartment to pick up the chocolate cupcakes I made for the party which turned out to be rather of a dud.

While it was fun seeing the different costumes, no one was dancing, just sitting or standing around modeling. The night brightened when Mike A. walked in wearing a homemade sheep costume! He made a little wooly vest costume which opened in the front, some wooly briefs under which he wore black leotards to guard against the cold, a wooly hoody with lamb’s ears and black mittens trimmed in wooly material. I am not sure where he got the bedroom slippers in the shape of hooves but he was adorable. He kept telling everyone that he was a little lost lamb that had gone astray. He was so cute. His friend Lamont D came with him, and he was draped in pink tulle, wearing pink capris, a pink blouse, a bouffant wig and rhinestone glasses. He said that he was Patsy Cline. We started having the best time, using the names Patsy, Bo, and Lola. I went by Lola because what ever Lola wants Lola gets!

Jon B. was feeling out of place because of his age and said he was heading to the bars. I then saw Eddie M. looking forlorn sitting in a corner dressed as a Court Jester, all motley! He came all the way from Provo on a bus and he did not look happy because the party was turning into a real dud so I asked Mike if Eddie could join us because I couldn’t stand the thought of someone not having a good time on Halloween! Mike said sure and we left MCC and went to a party some of Mike’s friends were hosting. His mom Clarisse was there and while the people were nice we were the only Gays and felt kind of uncomfortable not really knowing anyone no matter how polite they were trying to be. So about nine-thirty, almost ten we finally decided to hit the bars ourselves and we went to Backstreet because you don’t need a membership there. Again I saved Eddie’s ass because he didn’t have his license with him and I lied and vouched for him that he was 21 so he could get in. I couldn’t leave him standing outside in that fool’s outfit. Geez Louise!

Backstreet was packed and simply outrageous! No way could I begin to describe the smoky strobe, multi-colored, lit space packed with hundreds of men smelling of sweat and sex. So many drag queens looking bored and smoking Virginia Slims, toga dressed preppies, snarly leather queens all studded out, nearly nude men wearing cut-off levis slit up the sides gyrating with poppers up their noses, and even monocled Mr. Peanut was there larger then life.

It was impossible to find a table in the back room bar where the main dance floor is located so we stood pressed up against the bar inhaling every brand of cigarette there is. Eventually Patsy and I had to pee and we tried to get into the “powder room” but too many drag queens were squished into the lavatory so we went to the men’s room where I pulled up my dress to take a piss ala Cabaret. It was funny the looks I got.

I saw Adrian R and Rand B, members of the Men’s Choir, while trying to hook back up with Bo and Patsy. They were so cute dressed in German Lederhosen which really showed off Rand’s fine legs and butt! Rand is so damn handsome and I feel electrified when ever I am near him. My hair is not the only thing that stands up when he near! At different times I asked him to dance with me on the dance floor which was like a gyrating mass of incredibly gorgeous men. While dancing to Blondie’s French Kissing in the U.S.A., I held him close and passionately kissed him as the strobe lights spewed blinking lights reflecting off the silver glitter, melting over us in a myriad of colors. I thought I was going to pass out from the intensity of Rand returning my kiss. But after returning to their table and seeing Adrian and Rand so cute together it made me realize that it would be such bad karma besides a sinful act to do anything to come between them. They looked so cute together and on the dance floor they were such incredible dancers, Astaire and Astaire. However if something happens that they break up I will definitely being first in line to date Rand but alas for now he belongs to someone else. Damn!

Anyway I had so much fun tonight I hardly know where to begin. After awhile it became so hot in the bar that I took off my wig and my blouse so I was dancing with just the corduroy jumper, black panty hose and white pumps on. The pearls were swinging back and forth on my hairy bare chest. Wild! After collapsing from exhaustion and putting my feet up on an empty chair this guy came up to me and began running his hand on my leg which was stretched out. Ohh la la! The Pet Shops Boys were singing The Sodom and Gomorrah Show while this hand was slipping beneath by frock to find my well you know. It rhymes with frock.

Jon B. located me about that time and said he leaving with someone he met and I said I will be fine with Bo and Patsy. And I was. We danced all night until the place closed at two in the morning to the Monster Mash, the Time Warp while glitter filter down from somewhere making my hair, beard and sweat dazzle. Fun! Fun! Fun!

After the bar began turning up the house lights we shooed ourselves outside like the unholy dead but too wired to go straight home. Bo suggested we head over to The Connection for a late night snack and we shared a platter of onion rings. Patsy had this little throw away camera and she kept dragging people over to our table to snap their picture with us. Over a platter of fried battered onions Bo, Patsy and I became fast friends. We started in on all our old flames and I started telling Patsy what sluts men are! And she kept saying, “Fuck ‘em”. It was so comical.

Eddie M. the motley fool found us laughing our butts off at The Connection and when we decided to call it a night at three in the morning I had Eddie come home with me to sleep on the couch. He had to be up at seven to catch the Provo Bus home and I didn’t want to be disturbed by the sad clown. But what a fun glory filled day. Halloween, the Gay National Holiday!