September 1986

1 September 1986 Monday Labor Day
Billy B. was stirring about 8 a.m. and watching some TV so I went and laid on the couch next to him with my head in his lap and fell back to sleep until ten a.m. Then Bill said he had to leave but he wanted me to go with him up in the mountains. I would have given anything to go but I had already committed myself to playing Dungeon and Dragons with Alma Smith and Stephen Baustert. I really feel like I should keep my commitments even if I really wanted to be with someone else.

Later I realize I should have gone up into the mountains because gaming wasn't all that fun and it took way too long. However Mike P. called me around eleven and said he wanted to do something with me, so I invited him along to play Dungeons and Dragons. I was a walking zombie anyway. As we walked to Alma's place near 13th South and Main I related what Russ Lane had written to me about not saying "fuck" at Affirmation. He was dumbfounded and said that he had just been over to Russ' apartment last Friday night. He said he just wanted a massage and some more information on Affirmation when Russ seduced him and had Mike fuck him! But he won't let me use the word! Unbelievable.

Besides all that, here I thought I was over Russ but after hearing how he lets every stranger fuck him but not me who really loves him, I was really hurt and can barely stand it. Frank F. was at Alma's to play and when I told him about Russ's admonition letter to me, he said that I had every right to be upset and he thinks Russ has been offensive himself, calling Lesbians "Dykes" once.

My mind was everywhere but into playing Dungeons and Dragons and we left in the late afternoon to walk back home. There I fixed Mike and I dinner and after he left, I went and flopped on my bed and cried. To show how truly sick in the head I am, I wanted to have sex with Mike P. just to be with someone who had slept with Russ. "Russ Lane get out of my life! You are poison to me!" If I keep saying it enough maybe I can make it happen. Russ be gone! Dear heavenly Parents what fucked up kids you have so please forgive Russ and I.
•Additional Material-Greg Garcia elected master of the Wasatch Leather men Motorcycle club replacing Les Emmett.
•Financial troubles beset the Salt Lake AIDS Foundation. The Foundation was staffed by three unpaid volunteers, a director and two health educators, Dr. Patty Reagan, director. The State health department refused to provide any financial help to the foundation. Reagan had submitted a grant proposal for $88,000 to produce video tapes and public service announcements about the risks of contracting AIDS from CDC money given to the state for AIDS prevention. Grant was refused. Reapplied for money to pay for the phone information line and was also refused. During the first year the SLAF answered over 500 calls and gave over 25 speeches. Reagan claimed that the state health department questioned her credibility because she promoted condom use. “They said if I’m promoting condom use, I’m promoting homosexuality.”
•Hoping to demonstrate the economic clout of the Gay community, several businesses in the Midwest launched a campaign to stamp “Gay Money” on bills spent by their customers.
•New Zealand decriminalized homosexual activity and set the age of consent for Gay at 16, the same as for heterosexuals

2 September 1986 Tuesday
I wrote my mom a long letter this evening explaining to her why my wife and I separated and that I was Gay. Well the dye is cast. How will she receive it?

Russ Lane has broken my heart again and I'm feeling very much like I did in 1970 when John F. C. rejected me after I told him that I loved him. A part of me is hurting in a region of my soul that had never healed from that day. At work I did not have anything to do with Russ and I think I am going to have to drop out of Affirmation.

After work I was too edgy to stare at four walls so I went bike riding. I intended on going to O.A on 48th South and Main Street in Murray but the weather turned cool and since I only had shorts on, instead I rode over to John H.'s. After watching some television and visiting with him it finally dawned up me that he's such a dud. I will always have pleasant memories of John H. but it's time to move on.

Upon that realization I rode home, decided to work on a picture I am painting, I'm calling "Moon Gazer". I was not inspired to do much with it so I tried typing up my journal from 1974 and I began thinking of my Mom and about nine-thirty I decided it was time for me to be honest and truthful to her.

After writing her, Billy B. called me and I took a deep breath and told him that I loved him. The "kiss of death" for any relationship I want. I can't write anymore right now, my heart is in my throat and I am choking back some tears.
•Addition Material: Dear Mom
This letter is very difficult to write and I'm sure it will be hard for you to read but I feel like its time that we really communicate. I just reread one of my old journals from back in 1974 when I was home from BYU. I was getting ready for bed because I was leaving early the next morning to go back to the Y and you came in to my room, sat on my bed, and wanted to talk to me but we had little to say. I wrote in my journal that we felt estranged because I turned Mormon, and we couldn't talk and we both felt sad. Mom I love you so much. I want you to know that first of all and it's time your son talks to you. Mom I am a Gay man. I have always been Gay since my earliest recollections. Perhaps you knew that I was different. Maybe dad did too but didn't want to deal with it. Mom its nothing you or Dad did so don't even begin to think that and it’s nothing I did either. Donna didn't chose to be left handed and I didn't chose to be Gay either but I've always been like a left handed person struggling to be right handed and to live in a right handed world. And the guilt and shame was unbearable. I had to protect you and Dad from ever knowing me because I was so afraid you wouldn't or couldn't love me anymore. I tried to have God make me straight and was the perfect Church of Christ boy and when that failed I became the perfect Mormon boy but that failed also because all I was trying to do was fix something that didn't need fixing. Christ is still my best friend and he loves me as I am so although I know you will have concerns about me going to hell I want you to know that I've been in hell for thirty-five years and am finally coming to terms with who I am and it has set me free. But I'm not writing you about that. I just feel like I have been wrong by not letting you know me for all these years. But I was afraid so I ran off to Utah to keep my life at a distance from you. I had to love you at a distance because I've been afraid all these years that if you knew that I was Gay you and dad wouldn't love me anymore. But I am at peace with myself now and with God so I'm not living in fear anymore. (My wife) knows I'm Gay. She knew it before we were married but when (my wife) and I married I did not know that being married wouldn't cure me being Gay. (My wife) would still be with me now but I sent her away because she deserves to be loved in a way I never really could. I still love (my wife) and consider her my best friend, but I'm not "in love" with her. I've only been in love with other men. John F. C. and Mike Ad. were two that you knew. John I still love and hope to be with again some day although he's an alcoholic from denying he's Gay. I almost killed myself over John and being Gay. Remember the time in college in Fullerton, when I came home and just cried in your arms but couldn't tell you why I was crying? It was because of being Gay and not being able to cope with it. Even getting fat was an attempt to sublimate my feelings. I am not that sexually active but have come out of the closet here in Salt Lake City. I have many new friends that are supportive and I'm more physically active then I have been in my life. You can't imagine how it feels to be with people you can really be yourself with. I'm an extremely affectionate person much like you Mom. I'm more like you and Grandpa Johnson then I ever thought. I have a gift to make people feel comfortable, at ease, and liked. Only when I was suppressing my feelings was I the cold person you always saw. I was so uncomfortable even being around you because I felt like I was living a lie and that you would not like me anymore. I'm really glad that God sent James to Dad to be the son I never was. Dad really wanted a son not some artsy book worm. I am sorry mom if this letter is distressing to you. But its time now to be truthful. I'm careful about AIDS but I realize being Gay the possibility does exist that I could catch the disease. That is one of the reasons I sent (My wife) away as to never place her in a position where she might get infected. If I do get sick and something happens to me, I do want you to know there's a peace that comes with acceptance and that peace is worth everything. My life was always a mess, Mom, because I could not deal with being Gay; but now that I have accepted myself, and even love the person I am becoming, I don't care what life might have in store for me. The grave is the final destiny for all of us anyway so if I don't make peace with myself what is life worth living for? Mom I want you to know that my Gayness is a gift from God. It makes me artistic, creative, sensitive, loving, understanding, compassionate, and so much more. It also makes me more sympathetic to those others who are society's rejects. Mom I don't know how well you will handle this news but its time to stop protecting you from the fact that Frank Welte sexually molested me from the time I was 12 until I was 17. I always felt great guilt because I enjoyed it but still I recognize I was a victim of child abuse by a trusted family friend. Frank did not make me Gay any more then Phil Casas next door did. I was always gay but denied it until I fell in love with John F. C.. My love for him was so total and yet we never had a sexual relationship. I knew then that I was Gay not because of the nature of the way I enjoyed sex but because I fell in love with men. I can't help it. I even went into therapy at BYU, prayed until I thought my knees would blister, and I even tried to kill myself because I despised myself for bringing shame to myself and our family. I felt like I failed God. But I've come a long way and at thirty-five years old I can never go back into the closet. I don't want you think that I'm going to start wearing women's clothing, and I don't lisp, or act like any of the awful jokes you always hear. I'm involved in a relationship with a 25 year old wood carver. He's special to me but he's dealing with his own issues of being Gay and Mormon. I think I have resolved that I can't stay within the Mormon Church because of their stance against Gays. I am active in forming a Christian Fellowship group of Gay men and women based on the structure of the Church of Christ. We have no paid clergy, just sing songs, read the scripture, have sacrament, and that's it. I am through with people telling me what Christ expects me to do. I go directly to the source now, and talk with the Savior myself. I feel more in tune with the Spirit then I ever have. Mom you know deep in your heart that I have always bee different from other boys. Now you know why. I am sorry if any of this hurts you. Its not my intention. I just want to dismantle the wall between us but if you feel more comfortable with it up I can understand and respect that too. Keep My wife in your heart Mom. She's still your daughter-in-law and the only one you will ever have. She is going through a rough patch not living with me. I wish I knew how to make it right for everyone. I just don't know how. I cry a lot lately. But that's good. The pain and the healing comes out through the tears. I don't want to leave the impression that I am unhappy. For the first time in my life I am at peace with myself. My tears are for (My wife), Sam and Toby. They always loved me just as I am. I better close and get ready for bed. I'm tired from so many people coming over to my place to talk to me. I bought a ten speed bike and I ride it everywhere. I am down to 190 pounds. Thirty more and I will be where I want to be. I do love you. Your Son- Edgar Jr.

3 September 1986 Wednesday
It was such a horrible day at work that I really don't want to discuss it at all. It all is surrounding the fucking computers acting crazy all day. Gena said she was close to firing Russ herself. He's screwing up again. I told her I don't care anymore, that I am not here to defend Russ so do what is best for her and the department. Russ did this totally to himself and I don't have to feel guilty at all.

I worked until eight o'clock trying to get the searches out that were all marked today. Afterwards I rode over to Roberta Street to pick some more peaches. There's still no one renting the place and the place looks really bad and over grown. Well if they wouldn't have been so greedy and helped a little with the utilities we wouldn't have been in such a hurry to get out of there. No that's really stupid. We had to get out after the dogs were gone because the place was unbearable without them.

When I arrived back at the apartment, Jon B. and Jim P. dropped by. We visited until ten and they said they first went up to Russ's apartment to see him, but he wouldn't let them in saying to them that he had an Affirmation investigator with him. I wonder if Russ will lay him too? Jon B. and I are very serious about forming a Gay support group for married men. I need to call John Cooper to find out who to talk to at Crossroads Urban Center about using their space.

Anyway Jon and I got into another Mormon theological discussion and I said that Joseph Smith said that after we die we will go to the place where we will be the most happy. As far as I am concerned happy is happy and therefore we can not be unhappy in heaven. We won't be unhappy because we are somewhere other then the celestial kingdom. Jon left scratching his head.

4 September 1986 Thursday
Nothing spectacular to report at work. The computers are working but Russ and I aren't talking. I had to laugh when Troy N. announcing how much he hates this one girl in the recording department, said to me "I'd rather fuck you then Lori" and I just winked at him and said , "Of course you would."

After work Mike P. came over to visit and I fixed him some dinner. We also watched Bill Cosby Show, Family Ties, Cheers, and Night Court. He brought over a record so after our shows were over we listened to Bette Midler's album "Mud Will Be Flung Tonight!" We talked about Mitch Golden and Russ Lane for much of the night. Mitch is this married man who like me has come out of the closet but unlike me he has about ten kids. He's kind of playing the field and Mike P. got burned.

5 September 1986 Friday
A very uneventful Friday. Didn't do anything special, except bottle the peaches, after work, that I'd picked from the old house on Roberta Street. I also just watched Twilight Zone and some television while straightening up the house and doing a load of wash. Whoopee. Then Billy B. called and asked if he could come over to spend the night because he's power is turned off. I have never refused spending time with Bill, yet, because I never know how long it will last.

6 September 1986 Saturday
I spent much of the morning sleeping in. It rained a lot today and the weather has changed to much cooler and more Fall like. I typed up a lot of my journal from 1974 when I was attending BYU. Boy was I ever a screwed up kid. Geez.

Just watched televisions until Billy B. came over late again. We stayed up talking until way into this morning like to sleepy heads who don't have the sense to go to bed. Naturally he spent the night here again because his lights have been shut off and he doesn't like staying there after dark.

I love Bill so much but I know he doesn't love me but perhaps I can help him get over his tremendous guilt and get well enough to be able to love someone else, if he can over come the angst of being Gay and being inactive in the LDS Church. I do believe I am sowing where someone else will reap. But he does make me smile.
•Additional Material- "Venus" by Bananarama is number one song on national charts.

7 September 1986 Sunday
After Billy B. left this morning, I cleaned up the place some and then went to Liberty Park to layout and read the Sunday Paper. Around three-thirty it started raining pretty hard so sun bathing was over. I rode my bike back home in the rain, then took a hot shower. I felt so much better then.

I really didn't want to go to Affirmation's Pot Luck tonight, but Billy B. called and talked me into it. So I made some candied carrots and Richard L. drove Bill and I up the Unitarian Church on 13th East. It was our first meeting in the building after MCC vacated it but the church hall seems so cold and spacious compared to coziness of the Crossroads Urban Center.

Russ Lane upon seeing me came up and hugged me but I pulled away from him. I'm not there to support him anymore. I am just attending Affirmation to see my friends which he isn't. However sitting with Bill made me feel alive inside. I don't know anyway else to explain the euphoria I feel being by his side.

How to describe Billy B.? An article in the July issue of Utah Holiday Magazine described him as having chiseled features and that's pretty accurate. He's over 6 feet, lean, angular, without an ounce of fat. Wiry more than muscular. Large hands suited for a sculptor and large feet if you get my meaning. With broad shoulders accenting his narrow waist, he has a beautiful Slavic Eastern European ruggedness. His blond mane is shaggy and makes him appear more boyish then his 24 years. Bright blue eyes and a smile that melt down nuclear reactors, he is so beautiful to me because I love him. At Affirmation I spoke with people about forming a new support group for married and separated Gays and there was a lot of support for the idea so I will go ahead with it and get the ball rolling.

8 September 1986 Monday
I was really dragging most of the day at work because Billy B. spent the night again and we didn't go to bed until four am. While his lights are turned off he's going to be spending the nights here for a while.

At work Troy N. kept coming to my cubicle and telling me how handsome I looked because of the way I dressed. That was flattering.

At noon I took my lunch break and walked down to the crossroads Urban Center where I met with Mike Ortega, the director. Mike's this dark handsome Gay man with a fantastic mustache. He gave me the go ahead to meet at the center on Wednesday Nights from 7-9 p.m. Other then that it was a rotten day at work.

Anyway came home and fixed some dinner for Billy B. and Jon B. I had invited them over because I knew they are both kind of broke right now. After eating Bill left and Jon and I decided to go up to LGSU. We were late so we peddled like mad up to the U of U, climbing up hills, leaping over steps, laughing all the time. We were two old farts racing up the hill but it was so fun and funny. Out of breath we finally made it to Orson Spencer Hall where Jake Smit led a group discussion on Safe Sex versus Social Change.

Jake was engaged, intense and handsome as ever and his talk was very interesting but I had mainly come for the socializing. I saw a lot of people I knew, Jim Hunsaker, Lyle Bradley, Graham Bell, Mike A. among others. It was a big turn out at least 40 people. I announced at LGSU the formation of Married and Divorced Gays and Lesbians (MADGAL) for those in that situation. I think this new group will do some good.

9 September 1986 Tuesday
I went to the dentist in the afternoon and had two cavities filled. It took two hours and my mouth is still sore but Dr. Russon did try to be as painless as possible. He also said that the x-rays showed that I didn't have a tumor in my jaw after all. Pwhew!

My wife called after work and I am still missing her company. I miss sleeping with her. Could I live again with my wife as a celibate Gay man or be resigned to falling in and out of love with other men?

Billy B. is spending the night again and at eleven-thirty pm we walked over to his apartment on 9th East to pick up his mail. It was cool and damp out and we just had a lot of fun singing songs on the way over as we danced along the darken streets only illuminated by the night lights glaring off shiny wet pavements.

On the way over we passed Russ Lane coming home with some trick. That barbed my heart momentarily but I was with Bill and that was wonderful. I still care what Russ does but being with Bill makes me more happy. It was fun being silly with Bill, seeing him jump like a kid to hang from low tree limbs.

After coming back to my place we stayed up late again to watch David Letterman and I held Billy in my arms. We are back to what Billy calls "Square One". I love him more than he loves me. I love the smell of musk on his body, the fragrance of his hair. I want to make love to him so much and kiss him but he just wants to be friends and if I pursue it too much I'm afraid I'll loose him so I'll abide my time. We didn't get to bed until two-thirty a.m. We are just owls.
•Additional Material Robin LeRoy Jacobsen, interior designer, was born April 14, 1941 in Salt Lake City to Joseph Maxwell Jacobsen. Robin graduated from the University of Utah with a degree in Fine Arts. He died September 9, 1986 in Manhattan, New York of AIDS.

10 September 1986 Wednesday
I woke up at seven a.m., got up from the couch and went to lay with Bill who was sleeping in my bed. As we were snuggling he said that he felt "uncomfortable" so I went back out to the living room and slept there with my feelings hurt. I sobbed a little but asked God for serenity to accept Bill as he is and whatever.

Bill must have felt badly because he then came out to be with me and we talked. We decided that it would be better if we don't see each other for a while. I suggested a week but he didn't want to wait that long. So we "compromised" and I agreed to Bill's decision not to see each other for a day. It rained this morning which did not help my melancholy one bit.

At work I was pissed off because Tony S. was being a real ass by jumping all over me about some things so insignificant so asinine just to throw his weight around. I told him I didn't like his attitude and went straight to Bob E., who had Ed Rogers, one of the owners in his office, and told Bob to tell Tony to leave me alone. I was justifiably pissed but may have been over reacting because being so tired from lack of sleep and mentally exhausted from Bill's games.

I did meet with Bill during my lunch hour so I could cash his check for him. So much for not seeing each other for a while. He looked so cute in the bright red sweater I had given him. He said that he's going up to Snowbird for a job interview as a commercial artist.

After he left I didn't see or hear from him for the rest of the day which turned out to be cool and crisp. Fall is definitely in the air.

I was rather spaced out most of the day anyway because while talking to Gena I heard the fatal news. She is finally letting Russ Lane go because of his screw ups. I am so depressed but Russ did this to him self. Almost feeling like Russ is a condemned prisoner but Gena is totally, totally justified, so I am not going to fight this one for Russ. So goodbye Russ. Why am I so fucking depressed over this? Why oh why should I be? I have this overwhelming sensation that I want to hold Russ and make it all better for him but this time I can't. God's Will Be Done. Perhaps its is even for the best for him and me.

I talked with Jim P. this evening about going out for dinner some time and also with Marc L. about gossip concerning Tony Feliz. I told him Bob McIntier is upset with me because I said that Tony can't take a shit without having a revelation. Spent some of the evening gathering some things together to give back to my wife. I wish Bill was here. My place seems empty without him. I do love him and miss his association. Change, change, change. All around me. So appropriate that Russ will be leaving now since he was my springtime and now it's fall.

11 September 1986 Thursday
I slept in until 8:45 this morning because Billy B. hadn't spent the night and it felt so good. I then jumped in the shower and dashed across the street so I could be at work at 9:00 a.m. I am still bummed out about the fact that Russ Lane is being fired. I guess Gena told him the news because he looked so pitiful. I want to hold him and protect him but how can I? And further more I am not sure that he even wants me to anymore.

My wife called this morning saying she broke a tooth and was at the dentist. I gave her our insurance information, and told her to have the dentist bill me. Since she has her own key to the apartment she had dropped by the apartment while I was at work to pick up the items I had gathered for her. She left a note saying for me to take care of my raggedy butt.

At work the more I obsessed about Russ the more I felt like I had to at least try one more time to save Russ' job. So at lunch I sat with Gena and told her that I don't want Russ fired and if she will keep him I'll take over the entire Recording department's computer entry work. She said that Russ has to pull his own weight or be gone. I said I understood and I guess I knew there was little I could do. I guess for myself I had to know that I tried everything I could to save his job. Now it's totally up to Russ. He must represent something in my psyche because I just don't want to let him go. Is he a vicarious John F. C.?

Oh I got my excommunication letter in the mail today from Bob McIntier. I wasn't formally ex'ed but more or less they want to take my membership a way because I wasn't supporting the "prophet". It sure didn't take them long to start exercising unrighteous dominion and being Priest-crafty like the mother church. Well why not it’s all from the same root of Joseph Smith's ambitions. Tony Feliz is just following the same pattern, getting the members to support him because he has the authorized keys of heaven.

After coming home from work I was missing Billy B. so much that I called him twice but he wasn't home. Troy N. dropped by my place this evening and we had a good visit. He said that everyone in the office knows that Russ is getting canned and he thinks that Russ was getting the ax because he's too openly Gay and can't keep his hands off some of the guys at work.

Troy is such an affable young man even if straight. He's about 21, blond, cute and stocky and really funny. He calls Gay guys "screamers" and I think that is so funny the way he says it. I told him that I've been thinking about going to Germany next year to teach and to travel but I didn't tell that I know it's just because Billy B. is going there that I want to go.

Troy left after fixing him some dinner and around 9 p.m. Bill called me and that brightened up my evening. I wanted him to come spend the night and he agreed to come but he said first that he was working late and had to go see a client before he could come over. I said that was fine. Then he went on to say that he had met someone at the Health Spa yesterday who he also wants to go see and also said that tomorrow he's going out with some new friends of his. That completely sank my boat and I said well then I'll see you later.

I've got to find out exactly where I stand with Bill. If there is absolutely no way that he's going to become romantically interested in me then I need to know in black and white so that I can get own with my own life. There are other people out there. I would like to start dating Mike A. now that he's broken up with Duane Dawson.

Well Bill came over about eleven and I said we needed to talk about us. That of course made Billy uncomfortable but said he agreed that we had to discuss our relationship. I said that I needed to hear from his own lips that he could never love me. I said that I needed to hear it or otherwise there would always be hope in my mind, no matter how small, and that hope would thus prevent me from getting on with my life. Bill then came over, sat near me on the sofa, held my hand, and said that he didn't see the probability of his ever falling in love with me.

Well it's now out in the open and it was what I sensed all along. I now know that Bill won't ever love me, and while in a way it was a relief to hear finally the truth; at the same time it made my heart a lead stone and I no longer could even feel my body. Bill then continued to stay up and watch David Letterman, but I leading went to bed, perchance to dream, to escape and perhaps even to experience a little death.

Billy Joel's song "Its A Matter of Trust" keeps going through my head.
"Some love is just a lie of the heart
The cold remains of what began with a passionate start
And they may not want it to end
But it will, it's just a question of when
I've lived long enough to have learned
The closer you get to the fire the more you get burned
But that won't happen to us
Because it's always been a matter of trust
Some love is just a lie of the mind
It's make believe until it's only a matter of time
And some might have learned to adjust
But then it never was a matter of trust
I'm sure you're aware love
We've both had our share of
Believing too long
When the whole situation was wrong
Some love is just a lie of the soul
A constant battle for the ultimate state of control
After you've heard lie upon lie
There can hardly be a question of why”

I know I will miss the beauty that I wanted to see Bill create with his artistic talent but I guess God has other plans for me. Please grant me serenity.

12 September 1986 Friday
While I was just finishing my shower Billy B. came to the bathroom door to say Goodbye. We talked briefly and I wished him a good day. We hugged and I said "Goodbye" with Bill saying "I will see you soon". In my heart I said, I don't think So.

As he shut the door on my heart, I walked into the darken bedroom and the hot tears came like a flood. I can not take anymore losses this year. I am not getting involved with anyone and am just throwing myself into my work and getting Married and Divorced Gays and Lesbians going.

Work was difficult for me and during all my breaks I came home and cried.

After work I decided that I'm going to get drunk tonight, I mean really drunk- Smashed, which would be the first time in seven years. The last time was when I was love sick over Gary R. when I worked at the Special Events Center at the U.

I asked Troy N. if he wanted to go with me tonight to the Sun and he said sure even though he's straight. I don't have a membership but I said I'd find someone to sponsor us and I did with Scott M.

Anyway first went out to dinner with Jim P., Jon B., and Scott M. at La Frontera on 4th South and it was yummy. No one makes better Chili Verde, not since La Paloma closed. Coincidently I saw Frank Fata, James C. and their friend Paul eating there too. Paul had just gotten back from Germany and as it turned out he was the guy that Bill wanted to meet at the Sun to talk about Germany. I was glad to see Paul because it dispelled some of my jealousy because I knew that if I wasn't Bill's type then neither was Paul.

After dinner, about nine o'clock Scott M. took Jon B. and I to the Sun on 2nd South and 8th West. Jim P. didn't want to go to the bar so he left, and after signing Jon and I in, Scott also left. Jon and I did a quick scan of the place and it was not very crowded yet. Jon then tells me that he has to leave but would come back for me later.

So there I was sitting alone in a Gay Bar for the first time and I started getting drunk as fast as I could order the White Chablis at $2.50 a glass. I had about 6 of them through out the night but I must admit I began to lose count.

I came to the Sun to get drunk for one reason and that was to see for myself what attracts Bill to this place and to see for myself how Bill acts when he's not with me. Does he have more fun? Is he more relaxed? More in love with pretty boys his own age? If I could see how he acts when he's not around me, I thought to myself, then it would be that much easier to make the break with him- if I knew that he's happy.

We had signed Troy N. in, when we first came, and about ten I see him coming towards me. He dragged me out to the dance floor and was so cool and non judgmental being in a Gay club. I however was way too wasted to be dancing so I when I saw Scott W. I threw him and Troy together. Scott had come down from Ogden with Mike B. After dancing with Troy through a set of songs, Scott badgered me to know all about Troy, but I had to let him know that he's straight. Scott then told me that if Troy ever wants to "walk on the wild side" to have him call Scott.

Anyway eventually I see Graham Bell and Jim Hunsaker from LGSU. I thought to myself Hail Hail the Gangs all here! All we need is Beau Chaine and we could form a fucking Alumnus Club of the School of Bill's Broken Hearts, or at least form a lonely heart club. First there was Graham Bell, then Beau Chaine, then Jim Hunsaker, then Scott W., and finally Mike B.. Bill, Bill, Bill. Billy the Heartbreak kid. Finally near eleven o'clock I spotted the star attraction on the crowded dance floor and my sorry booze soaked heart just groaned again when, after spotting me, he flashed an alluring smile. However I recovered immediately because he was quickly lost in the dancing gyrating throng.

So spying Billy on the dance floor wasn't fatal. I had simply taken my heart out momentarily and it got frost bitten by being too close to cold, cold hearted Billy. To thaw, I continued to get smashed on antifreeze and complained to any poor sod who would listen. However there was only one person I wanted to truly be with, but alas he doesn't love me. Bill, Charming Billy. Charm, deadly charm. I love you Bill but I'll live. This too shall pass and if I can survive John F. C. I am insurmountable.

Eventually I reached the point where I was embarrassed that I was getting so inebriated but I think those with whom I sat simply knew I had to be drunk. Just had to be. Scott W. commiserated with me and said that it had taken him a while to get over Bill but finally he doesn't love him anymore and furthermore he will never allow himself to love Bill again. He also said that Mike B. didn't want to play head games with Bill either, and that's why he dropped Billy.

Later I even saw Graham Bell corner Billy outside on the patio, and while I couldn't hear anything I could tell from his grimacing that Billy was on the receiving end of Graham Bell's fiery wrath. I did hear later from those who where close to the blistering that Graham said that he's going to try and get Bill barred from the Sun. I hope Bill doesn't believe that Graham can do that.

Anyways near two a.m. at closing, Bill, looking pretty rejected, tracks me down because I had been avoiding him all night and he tries oozing his deadly charm, plying it all around like snake oil. I was not mesmerized by his hypnotic eyes, this time, because he mistakenly let his attention slip from me to say something briefly to this girl and I slipped away into the departing crowd.

I was able to make the great escape, and found Troy who took me home. Both Frank F. and James C., who are dating, were so sweet to me tonight as was Scott W.. Jon B. was wonderful too. He only came to the Sun to look after me and to see if I would be okay.

When Troy dropped me off at my place I instinctively kissed him goodnight.

What an El Bizarro evening. I am drunk still. Blissfully drunk. Anesthetized from the agony of my bleeding heart. As the Mikado's Daughter-in-Law Elect knew so well, "Hearts do not break but sting and ache for old love sake but do not die." Billy Hello-Goodbye.

13 September 1986 Saturday
When I finally woke up I was groggy and perhaps still a little bit drunk. I only got out of bed because I wanted to watch Pee Wee Herman's Playhouse at nine a.m.

Jon B. came down from his apartment this morning to see how I was doing, as did James C. and Frank F. That was very sweet of them. I must have really been a mess. James moved into the building above Russ Lane right after Jon B. moved in.

I tried resting for most of the day even though I didn't have a hang over or anything. I tried straightening up the house a little, when in the afternoon Billy B. calls me and I thought "Oh Shit!" after hearing his voice and realizing it was him.

But he was sooooo fucking charming, and said he wanted to check in to see if I was okay. I had no resistance to his toxic charm and I gave in again. I am back to square one. There's no getting over you. But I am more in charge now because I now know I have nothing to loose anymore and perhaps everything to gain.

After his phone call I left the house to go grocery shopping for most of the afternoon. I also bought some baking pans that were on Sale at Oscos.

In the evening Jim P. came by and we talked for a while. I can tell that he is after me. I think. I like Jim and all that but would be hard for me to fall in love with him. Or maybe not.

Anyway stayed home this evening except riding to the Safeway's at 9th East where I bought bananas on sale. At home watched some of the Miss America Beauty Pageant for some of the night before turning it off to write a poem about Billy.
You came to me
Lighting up my summer nights
Warm, starry, moon drenched nights
You came to me
You came to me
Nights filled with sweet sensuous sounds
Hot sweaty, nocturnal sounds
You came to me
You came to me
Blazing brightly in the skies
White luminescent in the sky
You came to me
You came to me
I stare at the trail, the tail
Cool, fading, no more tale
You went away
You went away
Staring into the velvet void
Cold, repealed by the abyss
You went away
Come back to me
I shall wait, watching the skies
murky, dimly lit the sky
Come back to me.
• Additional Material-Feminist/Lesbian folk singer Alix Dobkin performed at the First Unitarian Church on 13th East.
•"Take My Breath Away" by Berlin is number one on national charts.

14 September 1986 Sunday
It's strange how things turn out after just one day because Billy B. and I spent the entire day together. I initiated it after waking up early about seven and calling Billy at eight. I asked him to come over for breakfast, and he must have been hungry because he agreed. He said that he was still sleepy but would come over about ten a.m.

So after preparing some potatoes and getting things ready, I decided to take a stroll over to his apartment because it was such a beautiful morning. The air was cool and fresh smelling.

At his place Billy was just getting up, so sat against the wall and I waited for him to shower.

After he was ready, we walked back down to my place where I fixed Billy a big breakfast of pancakes, hash browns, bacon, and eggs. After getting Billy fed I mentioned to him that I heard that Beau Chaine was moving from his place on 8th South. Upon hearing that Bill wanted to walk over to Beau's to see him because Beau put Billy up for a few months last Spring when he first came out of the closet through Beau's Gay Help Line.

Walking with Bill down 6th east, we visited about a lot of things, his work, Park City etc anything but us. I would not address my feelings for Bill, figuring that I am happy just being with him and I mustn't have any expectations of anything more happening between us then this.

Beau wasn't home but on the way back, across from Trolley Square on Sixth East, we spotted this cute young dog who just wanted to play. So Bill stopped and played catch and tag with him as I laid on the grass and watched them play. Both were such magnificent young animals, sparkling in the September sun. It was such a beautiful last days of summer, spending time with my Saturday friend.

When we reached the Juel, Bill said that he wanted to go home to do some chores so I said that's fine because I wanted to go to MCC to hear Satu Servigna preach anyways. Bill said he'd meet me at MCC but he didn't make it so I sat with Alma Smith who had shaved off his scruffy beard and looks so nice. I saw Scott W. sitting towards the front at church but I really didn't get to talk to him because I left Church before it was over so as to attend Affirmation. I had to walk so it was quite a climb up that escarpment to 13th East from 6th East.

At Affirmation I was surprised to see such a large turn out. It was a good meeting and only wanted to slap Russ Lane a couple of times so I must be mellowing out. Ed B., my retired school teacher friend, was sort of a Fireside Speaker and told of his various experiences through the years and those he loved. He's sure been through it. Well we all have in a various ways.

Billy B. came in late and seeing him made the evening pick right up. Just walking into a room makes that room seem to glow. Bill gave me a ride home from Affirmation and we sat out in the car in front of the building and discussed whether Bill should come in or not. I was really tired and not up for this head game so I said either come in and spend the night or go home. It's that simple. He decided to spend the night and I was glad.

15 September 1986 Monday
It was payday thank God! I am so broke. Only cleared $535 but that's okay. All goes to the bills.

I wrote a poem today. Not sure what muse is poking me in the ass to compose. Its called Golden Angel Golden Angel and its summarizes my disenchantment with organized religions.

It was slow at work and this may be Russ Lane's last week. I hope not.

After work I rode my bike down to Liberty Park for LGSU's barbecue. LGSU was fun and I got to know Jim Hunsaker a little better. It was the last meeting in Liberty Park for the summer. It was very cool almost nippy.

After LGSU Billy B. came over to spent the night. I went to bed near eleven-thirty pm after Bill had baked some Bran cookies in my kitchen. I so enjoy Bill's company. I wish he enjoyed mine as much. Bill is moody again but at least he's working and being productive. I've got to get on with my life. Bill and I will never get anywhere. After ten years of marriage I need affection in my relationship and Bill won't even kiss me.
Additional Material-Decorated war hero Leonard Matlovich was diagnosed with AIDS.
•GOLDEN ANGELS by Ben Williams
Does Buddha serenely sit beneath a sacred tree
Wearing nothing but a contemplative smile
Crossing and uncrossing his legs leisurely
as he transcendentally mediates?
Are your ancestors proud of you
though dead gods they may be?
Could god be a hummingbird
hovering over fields of cloves and yew
spreading its holiness out for miles?
Is all consciousness Krishna’s,
happy chanting and dancing,
all the while serenely blue,
Swirling blissfully as he resuscitates
whilst smelling of saffron incense?
Is Hindu that sublime and Nirvana so enchanting?
Are we just a drool in the pool of slime
or forever reincarnating essences?
Is Brother Joseph’s god a pious stud
telling multitudes of lies to multitudes of wives
so that he can lie in their celestial beds,
Plural gods forever orgasming in pairs,
Begetting and begatting a myriad of endless lives
that someday will be misled?
Do you pay a Mormon tithe,
have completed a Mormon mission,
Never smoking, never drinking, avoiding all caffeine
Is your Patriarch that repressed
That he’ll love you only on condition?
Didn’t he send his baby boy to die for friend and fiend?
Do you really believe that god was ever man?
Did he ever cry?
Is god Tribunal father, son and holy ghost
For our sins did god allowed his son to bleed and die?
Tell me then whom did god love the most,
The sin filled soul or god’s sweet son?
Does the mother of god dress in blue
Whilst nursing the holy child?
He who suckled softly on Mary’s tits,
so sanguine chaste, and pure.
How could god allow the world
upon Mary’s son to spit and revile
when he came to save this sphere
and all its tribulations cure?
Well they spit upon me and you too,
I for sleeping with men
and you for devouring the flesh of swine.
Does god really care who I screw
or that you drink a little wine?
Does the golden glow of the City of God
of which naughty Saint Augustine wrote,
only shine for the orthodox
those who studies god’s words
and recite them by rote?
Does Christ delight in colored glass
and saintly statues of marble,
Papal princes adorned in purple
and scarlet coats trimmed in sable?
Does god prefer hard barren floors,
Chapels plain and austere,
Cold pews filled with cold hearted people
damning both Jew and Queer?
The Bible say, these pious preachers moralize
“No Jew or Queer can be saved”.
This is more or less faulty lies.
The Baptist rant and rave.
Saying only they will be saved,
Paying mammon to tele-evangelists
False offerings of love.
Does your god have a prophet
and does this prophet speak to him?
Is he a holy man in all god’s good pleasure does he seek?
Is this god consistently changing,
then rearranging to man’s every whim?
I wonder why god would think this wicked world
is even wanted by the meek?
Golden Angels Golden Angels
Can we not make heaven out of hell?
Fallen Angels Fallen Angels
Come rest with me a spell.

16 September 1986 Tuesday
Came home during my lunch hour and made some bran muffins and corn chowder. Even gave Russ Lane a muffin. Love is the greatest motivating force in the Universe. I suppose hate is a close second but cannot ultimately overwhelm love.

About 5 o'clock while I was still at work Billy B. called and I invited him over for dinner. I knew that he was still working at Granite Mill so I said just come over for dinner then go back to work.

Marc L. also called and told me that he received his excommunication letter from the Restoration Church today and we both laughed! What a joke, we both agreed that it didn't take them long to start exercising unrighteous dominion and rejecting the despise and rejected themselves.

At home I fixed a turkey mushroom sauce to go over the rice and served corn chowder with corn muffins for dinner. Bill loved the corn chowder which made me happy. When Bill came to dinner he brought some of his wood carving over for me to see and the were exquisite. I do love the soul of an artist. He only stayed from six-thirty to eight-thirty and that was okay because he hadn't planned on staying even that long but after he ate, he stretched out on the floor like a long graceful cat and I laid down beside him kneading his body until he relaxed. It was so soothing and peaceful for the both of us.

Then about 8 o'clock Scott W. pops by to get some money for a pledge that Bill made for an AIDS Awareness Marathon run. I guess he figured out if Bill wasn't at his place that he would be here. Even though I was glad to see Scott, his showing was inopportune, because Bill and I were feeling so mellow together, one of the few times.

As we were chatting Scott relates that he meet this muscle man at the Spa and they fucked. The way Scott said it, was to rile up Bill and from Billy's profile I could tell it bummed him out. I guess Scott was in a mood to get his digs in. He also gossiped about things Mike B. was up to and that were like barbs to Billy also. After getting his pound of flesh, Scott left and so did Bill who went back to work.

I spent the remainder of the evening writing out checks, paying bills but then when I was getting ready for bed, Bill called about eleven-thirty. He's explained that he was still at work but wanted to see me. I asked him to come spend the night no matter how late because I'll be sleeping on the couch and I'd let him in.

He showed up about midnight looking so forlorn. I took him into the bedroom where I made up the bed for him. There he put his hand on my arm and had me lie with him in bed. In the still of the night Bill let me make love to him tonight until he was spent. Was it because of me or because he was so upset about with what Scott W. had taunted him? It doesn't matter. I love Bill and will have him in anyway he allows me to have sex with him. After he fell a sleep I went out to the front room and slept on the sofa very confused.

17-19 September 1986
How crazy has this week been. Billy B. has spent every night over at my place this week. Since we have "broken up" we are together more then ever but we haven't had sex since last Tuesday.

Wednesday morning Billy was so cute sitting on the sofa with a woody that he was embarrassed about. He kept musing about why he had such a flag pole.

Bill's been going to work all week, and so have I, thus the drama has been kept to a minimum until Wednesday when Bill was suppose to show up for dinner but when he didn't. I said fuck it and went off to John Cooper's Affirmation Group. Evidently however instead of turning the stove off, I accidentally turned the burner on high and Billy who came about 15 minutes after I left for Affirmation, smelled smoke and got the manager to let him in. He aired the place out and then left me a cute note in some kind of funny dialect which read:
Baynhameen:
Vy dit you go foa so lounga? I came hea to yaw apahtment und fount funny nouses comingk frahm eensyd Krachen Kracken poof und hiss. The I hea funny noyce like toyfiah enjun or maybe. Vas is dis? I go hea. I go dey lookingk foa yoo. veah
is dis raskel? I come back. Hea krackle krackle poof und hissn. I get key und come een und find smoke. Ich su lieben. Vat dis mean I don know. Eet zounds no gut. So sorry for mess enn yua apahtment when smoke clear it will be cleaned then ya? Da? Gut. Villiam B

I really felt stupid leaving the pan on the stove. When I got home about ten pm Willie Marshall who just returned from Europe, dropped by and smelling the smoke asked me if I was trying to burn down the building. Billy later came by and spent the night.

Thursday I spent the evening writing letters to family and friends, watching a little television and going bike riding. Again Billy slept over.

Friday I was so pissed at Bob E. that I fumed out of the office and went home for the last half of the day. The bastard said that he's had complaints that Jon B. and I spend to much time talking and not working. I said that's bull shit and that I am more productive then any one in the office. I told him that his "favorite" Bill S was an incompetent ass. I was so mad that I went home so I don't know whether Russ Lane was let go or not.

Right after work, Mike A. swung by to pick up Jon and I for Sy F's weekend cave exploring party. Sy lives in Provo and planned an excursion to the Nutty Putty as an Affirmation activity. Sy lived up by the Provo Temple north of the BYU Campus and has a nice spacious home that he rents out to roommates. There were a lot from Affirmation spending the night and we had a fun evening. I chatted with Erik S's roommate Mike about the Restoration Church and its ministry to Gay people.

20 September 1986 Saturday
It's been over 24 hours with out sleep and I am so wired.

At midnight the slumber party at Cy F. was still going strong and we watched "Clockwork Orange" and "Making Love", which is that movie about a married man discovering his homosexuality and then breaking up of his marriage. After watching it I became upset, thinking about my wife, and I went out into Sy's back yard and cried and cried. Mark C saw me and came outside, held me, and cried a little also. After I got that out of my system, I went back inside and got ready for bed.

Derrick K. and John Cooper slept downstairs, Alma Smith slept with Sy, and I slept on the couch. Mike A. slept on the floor beside me, and Mark C and Brad T slept on the floor in the front room also. To say we all slept is a gross exaggeration because all we did was gab all night, and tell ghost stories. I told them the ghost experiences my wife and I had in Murray's old house on 13th East.

Then of course we talked about cute boys, then sex, and then religion. It was nearly four a.m. when we finished that topic and we all started to drift off, but never really into a deep sleep. Mike and Mark, and I actually talked until seven in the morning when the others began to stir.

By eight we were all up and awake. Mike A. began to fix pancakes and sausage for breakfast. Erick S. dropped in for breakfast and then Richard M,, this cute boy from Salt Lake came over about nine for the caving expedition.

We all watched Pee Wee Herman's Playhouse, and while Mike A. and I thought it was a hoot the rest just groaned.

About eleven a.m. we headed out to the cave which was somewhere southwest of Goshen, Utah. I rode out with John Cooper, Mike A., Richard M and Mark C. We had a good time on the trip out singing show tunes and simply enjoying the gay camaraderie. Sy F, Alma Smith, and Derrick all went in another truck.

When we reached the site, which was a rock outcropping surrounded by a sage brush desert, we climbed this rocky hill, where we saw the cave opening. The cave is called the Nutty Putty and I had no idea that it was just a small hole in the ground. I thought that it was going to be a walk-in cavern. All my alarm buttons went off and I really didn't want to be crawling through this small opening but I did.

It got worse. Once in the hole I had to shimmy through a five foot long crawl space that even though I wasn't that fat, I had to place my arms over my head to get my shoulders' width through the tunnel. I barely made it and almost got stuck. It was extremely anxiety producing and when I scooted through to the small cavern where the others already were, I found myself in a dark hole where stifling stale warm air was blowing dust from somewhere further down in the cavern. I felt like I couldn't breathe properly, and grit was getting underneath my contact lenses scratching my eyes. I really felt claustrophobic, and finally said to the others, "Sorry Guys this is not fun, go on without me."

I then held my breath and pushed myself back out along the tight tunnel and climbed back out into the sunlight. I felt like I was wimping out but I just couldn't handle the enclosed tomb like feeling that was my experience in the cave. The others were so sweet and understanding, so while they crawled and slithered through the bowels of the earth, I stayed on top lying on a rock outcropping soaking in the deep blue sky and exhilarating in the sweep of the puffy clouds overhead. It felt so great breathing in fresh air, However even my clothes felt too confining so I peeled off everything and sun bathed, drenching in the rays of the sun. Maybe I do have sun deprivation syndrome or severe claustrophobia.

Anyway the rest of the group stayed exploring the cave for about two hours and when they surfaced I was already dressed and ready to help them out. No one acted like I had wimped out but rather even congratulated me for doing the hardest part which was just getting into the cave. I was the heaviest of the group with a 36 inch waist but even Sy who is considerably slender at a thirty inch waist, said that even he had a difficult time and he's an experienced spelunker. Any they appeared as resurrected beings covered with dirt and grime but triumphant. So we all shared an adventure and that bonded our little band together.

After the caving expedition we headed back to Sy's so we could rest before heading back to Salt Lake City. I traveled about 150 miles today, and haven't really slept since Friday morning. No wonder I am exhausted.

Back in Salt Lake, Mike A. wanted to stop by his place to get cleaned up before taking me home. While changing his clothes I chatted with his mom, Clarisse, and some straight friends of hers, Jeff and Patty. They wanted to go out dancing and since Mike's mom had never been to the Sun, she asked Mike and I to take her. So even as tired as I was I said sure.

Mike let me change into some of his clothes and that was fun going through his wardrobe. I never had a brother to share clothes with, so never had been able to do that with anyone else. I let Mike wear my fedora and he looked like an Amish boy in it. Really cute.

We couldn't find someone to sponsor us at the Sun until nearly ten p.m. so we went to Backstreet first. Backstreet was hosting a drag show benefit for MCC. It was okay, if you are into the Royal Court. Only one or two entertainers were any good. A pig tailed drag queen doing a somersaults then the splits while singing show tunes was the only memorable act. But was fun and it was our first drag show. The show was over at ten so we moved out to the dance floor. Mike was gyrating to "It's Raining Men". I couldn't keep up.

From Backstreet we went down the street to the Sun and found someone to sponsor us in. I put the cover charge on my tab and we stayed at the Sun until one-thirty a.m. The place was packed so we danced in a group, feeling exhilarated and alive. I danced ever dance running on pure will power.

Mike P. was in the throng and when he saw me he screamed and came running over to hug me! He was so exited and it was embarrassing but funny. I danced with Clarisse and Mike A. all through the night. Clarisse is an attractive woman in her mid forties, and she is so cool but how bizarre dancing with mother and son, often at the same time! We called it a night as the place began to close and after being dropped off I finally crawled into my own bed at two a.m. What a Saturday! And yet I am still missing Billy.
• Additional Material- Donny Eastepp and the Royal Court held a fund raiser for Resurrection Metropolitan Community Church at the in-between, RMCC made their final payment on the equity buy out on the church building at 853 South 600 East for $9,262.12. New chapel now home of spaghetti nights, dances, and other meetings.
• A Women’s Dance sponsored by Resurrection MCC
• BEATING AT REST AREA LEAVES IDAHO MAN IN POOR CONDITION (SLTribune B4-4)
• "Stuck With You" by Huey Lewis & The News is number one song on national charts

21 September 1986 Sunday
My Summer is over in so many ways- in so many ways. This morning Craig H. called me around six a.m. Ugh! He said he wanted to drop by and I said give me until about ten. I was still groggy and hoarse from screaming all night at the Sun over the clatter and din of reveling Gays.

Shortly after that Stephen Baustert called and woke me up again but now it was nearly ten. Doesn't anyone sleep in on Sunday mornings anymore? Stephen wanted to know if I wanted to play Dungeons and Dragons with him and Alma Smith. I said I'd get back to him on it.

I was glad that Stephen called because I needed to get ready for church at MCC and for Craig who was knocking on my door about as soon as I got out of the shower. He said he hadn't seen me in a while and wanted to know what was going on with me. He also wanted to tell me some gossip about the Restoration Church's General Conference which he had attended yesterday. He said that Pamela Calkins announced officially that she is forming a polygamous marriage with Lynn L., and Leann and Carol! Ha! And everyone thought it would be the men who wanted polygamy back. Craig said that Tony Feliz, Pamela Calkins, and John Crane were all sustained as a type of First Presidency with them being Prophets, Seers, and Revelators.

What else is going on inside that church I don't know or care. I'm happy if they are happy but the church isn't anything I am interested in anymore.

After Craig's bit of news I said it would be fun to go to Memory Grove for a picnic after MCC. He didn't want to attend church so I said I would met him there later.

MCC starts its new hours today with a split schedule. There's an eleven o'clock meeting and a six o'clock one. I can't go to the later one because it conflicts with Affirmation so I headed down to the morning service. I walked out after 20 minutes because Bruce Barton is doing a High Liturgy Catholic Like service and I couldn't handle that nonsense. I may be Gay but give me plain and simple worship.

So I left and went back home where almost as soon as I walked in Scott W. called me. He wanted to talk about Billy B. and to say that he was sorry for acting like he did that day with Bill. He said that he was just acting out on some hurt feelings and I said that I understood completely. However I said that I couldn't visit long because I was meeting a friend for a picnic.

I rode my bike over to Craig's place on 3rd East just south of the 7-11 on 1st South. From his apartment we walked to Memory Grove and it was a beautiful autumn day. We spent about two hours on the nature trail just chatting and listening to City Creek burble. Lots of cute hunks on the trail cruising. Craig told me that he doesn't like going to Affirmation because Russ Lane keeps coming on to him, and Craig is just not interested. The cutie did say that if I was available he'd want to have a relationship with me. I told him I was flattered.

Craig is extremely handsome with chestnut brown hair and dark blue eyes and the sweetest smile. I didn't get home until three-thirty in the afternoon after leaving Craig and the phone was ringing as I came through the door. I pick up the receiver and it was Mom! Am I freaking out or what!? As we visited over the telephone we came around to the contents of the letter I had sent her earlier in the month. She said that actually Dad was handling the news better then did Mom. She said she cried for two weeks but Dad finally told her that I was the same boy and that nothing had really changed. Mom said they talked about it and realized that they always knew, deep down, ever since I was a child. Mom told me that they loved me and to be careful. I think the fear of me catching AIDS is what is really freaking her out. But it's out at last. I'm thirty-five years old and Mom and Dad finally knows that I am Gay.

After getting off the phone with Mom I was feeling really weirded out and felt like I needed to talk to my wife. Maybe because she's the only one in Utah that knows my parents. I called my wife who is living now with Tony and Wanda and she started in on scripture bashing me. I told her to stop, that it just didn't matter to me anymore. I became upset with her and told her that it looks like I've given her a cause to crusade. We have always been star-crossed lovers. Whenever I was up she was down and back and forth. Since I could tell from our conversation that she was turning fanatical on me I ended the call.

Anyhow, right after that while waiting for Mike A. to give me a ride up to Affirmation, Jon B. dropped by. I hadn't seen him all weekend even though we live in the same building. No sooner then Jon is in the door then Billy B. lands on my doorstep and I invited him in. We only were visiting for a few minutes before we were interrupted by someone else knocking at my door. It was Scott W.! Finally Mike A. swung by to take us up the hill but Bill said that he didn't want to go. Instead he said he wanted to stay to talk with Scott.

Affirmation was well attended and good. We all broke up into smaller groups by topics because of the amount of people attending. The topics of the groups were Gay Fathers, Coping with Being LDS and Gay, Relationships, and a catch all group without any specific topic. I went to the Relationship group and bitched about my wife and Billy. It felt great.

After Affirmation, a bunch of us headed down to Village Inn on 9th East to chat some more. At Village Inn Jon B. said that Russ told him at Affirmation that he was fired last Friday. "Another blow upon the bruise".

I sat with the group until about ten-thirty even though I was dying to get home to be with Bill, knowing that he was waiting for me. However when I got there it was not a good scene. Bill said that after spending the evening talking with Scott, he still had some strong feelings for him, and as we talked he said more or less that we won't be anything but friends. He said that while he needed the things that I can provide for him like the use of my bed, he didn't think he could become romantically involved.

I was devastated, and thought My God what is the use? What is the use of talking anymore? I am all talked out. He wanted to explain some more of his feelings but I sent him to bed and I slept on the sofa too tired, too leaden, too weary to continue on the conversation with Bill. I've got to cut my losses and go on with my life. I got to say goodbye. How to say Goodbye? God grant me the serenity...Oh fuck it. Goodnight.
• Additional Material-At the Restoration Church General Conference Elder Pamela Calkins announced formation of a polygamous marriage with Lynn L., Leanne, and Carol. Elder Antonio Feliz, Elder Pamela Calkins, and Elder John Crane were sustained as Prophets, Seers, and Revelators of the Restoration Church.

22 September 1986 Monday
It's a blue, blue Monday. I woke up early, sad, depressed and near tears knowing that Bill and I have to split up. I heard Billy Joel's song "It's a Matter of Trust" come on the morning music alarm and I just broke down and wept. It really is our song for sure.

When Billy awoke he came out to the front room and sat on the sofa near me and tried to talk some more from where we left off last night but what more is there to say? I left for work not looking back at him.

At work I was so bummed out because Russ Lane wasn't there since he was fired last Friday. With everything we've been through I always knew I'd get to see Russ everyday. But no more. It seemed so quiet, even dead at work without Russ's lively antics. A lot of people told me that they were really upset that Russ was fired. There was no real reason for it either except for Bob E.'s prejudice and Gena's bitchiness.

All day I was ratting on all the fuck ups of Bill S, Bob's wonder kid, that I use to just correct. I threw them in Bob's face, and there were some really major screw ups and all Bob would say was that everybody makes mistakes once in a while! And I thought Shit, Russ made a mistake and they fired him over it. Anyway like I said it was a blue Monday for me.

Came home right after work tired from the weekend. I didn't do anything with any one tonight and just talked to my wife some over the phone. She was not so fired up as the other day.

I didn't ride my bike because it was a very cool day. So just watched a little television because some of the new shows are on. I watched ALF, Amazing Stories, and a Loni Anderson's made for TV movie called "Stranded". It probably would have been good if I wasn't so tired and emotionally drained. So I turned off the TV, laid on the Sofa and listened to my stereo until about midnight. Anita Baker's Sweet Love, Billy Joel's Matter of Trust, and Berlin's Take My Breath Away just seem to be written for what I am going through with Billy. Drifting off to the haunting strands of Sweet Love, I struggled to my feet and went to bed. After all it's my bed not Billy's but God it still has his scent.

Bill, Bill, Charming Billy. Why aren't you here with me? I would take care of you, love you and your beautiful talent. But I understand that you must find someone that you can love. I feel like I am sowing where others will reap.

23 September 1986 Tuesday
Today was still a bummer at work without the presence of Russ Lane. At lunch I broke down and went to his apartment to see him. He said he was glad to see me and we just held each other. I told whim while at times I know he didn't like me and I didn't like him either, we have gone through far too much together not to pull together when things are falling down all around us. I held him in my arms for the longest time, and damn if he didn't make me pre-cum my pants. Why does he still excite me so much?

Anyway I am still feuding with Bill S and Bob E. but I am getting tired of it. When I came home from work, Billy B. called me and wanted to come over for dinner. I said great but first I had to go over to Craig H.'s to get his twin bed that he doesn't want anymore. Jon B., the sweetheart, helped me get it over here in his van and now I have a bed for Bill. The bedroom is tight now with only about a space of three feet between the beds.

Bill came over about seven-thirty. Because I didn't have much in the house, I fixed pancakes, eggs, and bacon. Bill was being funny and weird and said that he wanted to eat dinner in the dark. Not by candlelight mind you but actually in the pitch darkness. It was so bizarre groping in the dark, trying to feel for your food and not pouring syrup off your plate into your lap. We laughed all through dinner and a few times I grabbed him, and said "Oh excuse me I thought you were desert".

Anyways it was fun and something out of a Woody Allen movie, I suppose. I just love being with Bill. It's like an adventure every time I'm with him.

Anyway after dinner Bill took me over to Sears where I bought some sheets and a comforter for the new bed. While we were making up the bed and goofing around on it, Scott W. called from Bountiful. He wanted to talk to Bill and then, even though it was raining, Bill wanted us to go out dancing so at 11 pm we drove down to Backstreets where we met Scott. The three of us were only ones there dancing.

Tunes like Madonna's "Poppa Don't Preach" and "Venus" were playing over the sound system. It was crazy for sure. Bill was so cute prancing on the dance floor and I was in heaven being with both Scott and Bill. Scott then said he had to leave at midnight to get some sleep because of his early morning classes. I was sweat drenched and exhausted myself but Billy wanted stay a little longer so we continued dancing until one am. I don't know where I got the energy to keep up with this 24 year old athlete. God knows. Probably running on the sexual energy charge I get from being with Bill.

When we finally left Backstreet we stopped at Smith's on 2nd South and 7th East to got something to drink before going home where we watched the end of David Letterman. I was so exhausted that I fell a sleep at 2 am on the floor lying next to Charming Billy at my side.

24 September 1986 Wednesday
I am so fucking tired and was dragging ass at work all day. But time passed and at lunch I went over to see Russ Lane again. He was feeling blue so I held him then talked him into letting me give him a massage. I got him out of all his clothes and rubbed him all over with oil over his entire nude body, a body I still love but Russ just doesn't want to have sex with me for what ever reason. Still I got to play with his ass while massaging him. Why does he still excite me? Funny.

Anyway while I was working him over, I started kidding with him and acted like I was trying to seduce him. He protested like a school girl. I think he was flattered by so much attention and it was fun and I suppose a little evil to be making him so nervous.

After work I went grocery shopping and picked up cookies for the group tonight. Billy B. came over at 6:50 pm just as I was leaving to ride my bike over to the crossroad Urban Center to conduct Married and Divorced Gays and Lesbians. I had him come in and stay while I had to leave. The first meeting of MADGAL consisted of Jon B., Guy Larsen, Mark C, Craig H., Derek K, Alma Smith and myself. We discussed forming a charter and we agreed on how to set up the group. That took until about 8:00 p.m. and for the rest of the meeting we talked about relationships. I think this little group is going to work out and be successful. I'm committed to it and I hope and pray to Heavenly Father that He will bless me with the resolve to be committed to this group and that His Spirit will attend it although we threw out almost all mention of God in our charter. We kept the "spiritual awakening" aspect as one of the purposes of the group. I was pleased with that.

After the meeting I rushed home to Billy. We visited a little before Troy N. came over at nine pm. He was "high" and wanted something to munch on and he knew I always kept something in the house for company. We visited for a while and he said all the girls at Utah Title are talking about me being Gay. Cripes! God grant me serenity.

Billy didn't say much and was in a strange mood so he left at ten to go be by him self. I don't know if he's coming back or will spend the night at his apartment.

Change is in the air and it kind of frightens me. I'm frightened for Russ Lane and I am frightened for me. I am so very uncertain about the future but will trust in God and bless his Holy name.
• Additional Material- First meeting of Married and Divorce Gays and Lesbians (MADGAL) organized by Ben Williams held at Crossroads Urban Center.

25 September 1986 Thursday
I am still bummed out at work. I don't know what's in the air but I feel a change swirling over my head. Maybe its the unseasonably cold weather. Maybe its affecting people strangely. Utah Title is just not the same without Russ Lane but I just do my assigned work and don't care any more about being there.

I made home made pizza tonight and invited Russ Lane, Jon B., Troy N., and Billy B. over for dinner. Jon never showed up but the rest said it was really good. I watch Cheers tonight and it was outrageously funny with Sam proposing to Diane. Then I received a frantic call from Marc L. who was in mental ward of the VA hospital. He said that he got into a fight with his boyfriend Bill C and flipped out. He said nothing serious but he needed to see me. I got Troy N. to drive me up but by the time I got there it was after nine and the attendants wouldn't let me in. Troy had already left so I walked home from the VA Hospital and by the time I reached my apartment Bill had left and he had the keys to my apartment. So I went upstairs and waited at Russ Lane's. I was there until eleven-thirty when Bill came back to the apartment. While in Russ' apartment I was able to hold Russ again and gave him a massage. When Bill showed up I was able to get to bed. Bill also spent the night. It was a cool, wet evening.

26 September 1986 Friday
What a depressing and boring day at work. It was so slow and there's no Pzazz anymore. I couldn't wait for the day to be over.

When I came home my apartment manager, Chuck, said that Billy B. had given him some trouble regarding some corn that had been stolen in front of my apartment. Bill had asked me this morning to set the corn outside for him after he had forgotten it. Before Bill could come and get it someone had taken it. My manager said that he didn't appreciate Bill's attitude, and I was really mad at Bill for ruining the carefully cultivated relationship I had developed with Chuck and Edna my homophobic managers. Bill really disappointed me because I could get kicked out anytime my apartment manager wants.

Mike A. called me and asked if I wanted to go do something together. We were going to the movies but since nothing good was playing we decided to go "bar hopping." We went first to the Deerhunter on 3rd West. It's a macho bar with just a bar and a pool table. I was not impressed at all. Butch men trying to pick up on other butch men. Boring. I did see LeGrand and Lon Wright there. They were playing pool. Lon was still cool and distant to me. I supposed he's pissed at me because I am friends with Jon B., and he's still in love with him. Mike and I had a cooler there and we were pressed up against this one wall and the bar. We only stayed about 1/2 hour because it was beginning to get crowded.

Mike then wanted to see where Jeff's Gym was so we drove to 17th South and 7th West. Neither one us had ever been inside and while driving by, this cute man in a passing car winked at me. Mike and I just laughed and were having such a good time.

Next we cruised by the Magazine Shop on Main and Broadway. We parked and went inside to look at some Gay magazine and to see who was cruising who.

From there we ventured over to Radio City and since nothing was happening there as usual, so about nine-thirty we ended up at the In-Between on 2nd South and 5th West. I saw John H. sitting at the bar getting smashed. He didn't see me not expecting to see me I suppose.

Bruce Barton and his lover Bruce Harmon came in after us and when they saw us on the patio they came and joined us. Bruce Barton and I had a good Gospel discussion and I feel like I've gotten to know him a little better. We grew closer because of that conversation and I truly feel that he has a genuine sweet spirit, and who cares about the spiritual welfare of the entire Gay community. He said how hurt he feels when he is criticized for being at the Bars like because he is a minister he shouldn't be there but as he said this is where the people are and he has to go to them.

After the Bruces left, and seeing Mike catching the attention of some guy, I went back into the main bar to say hi to John H.. He was surprised to see me and when I sat on the bar stool next to him and we began to visit. When Mike sauntered in looking for me, I pulled him aside and told him that John was an old flame from last Summer but there's no way we could develop a serious relationship because he's way into alcohol and I'm not. Still he really turns me on.

So I sat back down next to John and we start kissing. I tingled all and it felt good to be kissed passionately by someone who wants to kiss me. Russ Lane and Billy B. both really did a head trip on me. I am attractive, and there are people who do want to make love with me and to me.

Mike A. then suggested that we ought to be getting to Backstreet if we wanted to go dancing. So I left John there sitting at the bar fingering his drink. Outside the street was still wet from the rain we had earlier and it had turned really cold, about fifty degrees. But Mike and I were running on high energy. As we were walking towards the entrance, Mike started freaking out because he saw this kid named Dennis who was a psychotic former boyfriend. We stood in the cold until he left and then we went inside. We discovered that Backstreet was rather dead for a Friday and weren't very many there dancing. We ordered another drink, surveyed the crowd. It was a rather dismal showing.

We danced a little and mingled until about 12:20 when psychotic Dennis showed up again. So we sneaked out and went back to the In-Between. I wanted to be with John H. again. So John and I sat at the bar and made out and I didn't care about being discreet or anything. I was starved for affection. About one-thirty I came back home to get my keys from Billy B. who was spending the night there. I think he was shocked when I left to go spend the night with Mike A. rather then being with him.

27 September 1986 Saturday
While sleeping over at Mike A.'s place it got chilly. I know Mike wanted to stay up and talk but I was so tired that I went out like a light sleeping on the couch. I saw Clarisse Anderson, Mike's mom in the morning and she told me that her divorce from Mike's dad was finalized yesterday.

I took a quick shower and then Mike said we were going to the circus, however after checking he found that his work only gave him one ticket, so we decided not to go. Besides I said that there was so much to do for Billy B.'s birthday tomorrow. I have a cheesecake to make and to get his presents. Mike said he's take me to the West Valley Mall where I bought Bill some Bugle boy pants and a nice shirt at Penny's. Mike helped me pick them out so I think Bill will like them.

While standing in line to have it gift wrapped, I pick out this chic black and purple wrapping paper, and this woman then comes up to me and says pointing to the paper I picked out, "Isn't that hideous?" I just laughed inside and thought "Yep I picked the right paper if Ms. Mormon thinks it's awful.

After getting the gifts wrapped Mike and I cruised the bathrooms where this cute guy wanted to be picked up but we were just out to have fun, so we left the poor guy frustrated.

It started to rain about two p.m. as Mike and I decided to go to the Conference on Human Sexuality that was being held in the Hilton Hotel on 5th South and 2nd East. The three o'clock workshop was on Homosexuality and there were more then one hundred people in the conference room. All the local support groups, RCJC, Affirmation, LGSU, People Who Care, MADGAL, and the Triangle Magazine had representatives there.

I saw Richard M, Russ Lane, Bob McIntier, or really just about everyone. It was very informative and I spoke up several times about personal issues but through Overeaters Anonymous I've learned to just say, "so what?"

Watching Russ Lane in action I've come to the conclusion that he is such an unaffectionate person around me in public. I just don't understand him. I've got to release him with love. Whenever we are in public he acts like he hardly knows me and that he's not really with me.

Anyways after the workshop Mike A. and I went grocery shopping at Smith's on 8th South and it was raining. Then we went to Cahoots on 9th South and 9th East where I bought the cutest card for Bill. Mike and I spent most of the day together shopping for Bill and he left at about seven-thirty p.m. after a long and busy day.

Billy B. dropped over while I was in the kitchen getting things ready to bake the blue berry cheese cake. He said he needed his check cashed. I said have some soup first before we go to the store, for I had made some homemade mushroom soup. It was excellent served with crusty bread. Perfect for a rainy Autumn day.

We went and cashed his check and then came back home. I thought we would be spending the evening together but that fantasy was shattered when he announced that he had plans to go to the Deerhunter Bar and then up to Park City. That hit me like a sledge hammer in the guts. He doesn't really want to be with me.

So he left at eight-thirty and I sat in the living room and watched the Twilight Zone. I baked the cheesecake, and finished it but all the joy and love that I was putting in it was gone. My heart was just weary.

Mike P. called me before I could get too depressed to say how blue he was over being dumped by Mitch Golden. He said however that work is going fine and he will be moving out of Beauchaine's place some time soon and was wondering if there were any opening in my building. I told him I think there were a few.

After hanging up with Mike P., Brad T called to see how I was doing since hadn't really visited with him since the Nutty Putty expedition. He said that he was in a car accident yesterday but he's okay.

Finally, around ten pm Scott W. called me and I don't know what his problem is. One minute he's ragging on Bill, saying what an asshole he is and then next he's telling me that I should take care of Bill as part of my Christian duty. The real blow came to my heart when Scott mentions in passing that Bill and he were always affectionate with one another, kissing, and even that Bill would sleep in the nude with Scott. Scott then revealed that Bill has to be forced to have sex, and the only time Bill and he really ever did anything, Scott had to be the one to initiate it. He also said Mike B. dropped Billy because he wouldn't play Bill's head games.

Scott's "Confessions" were so awful to me. Is Billy as innocent as he pretends, or a deceitful user? I don't want to be used again like Russ Lane did, can't go through that again. Stop the world, I want to get off.
• Additional Material-Royal Court of the Golden Spike Emperor X Scott Stites and Emperor XI Robb Bullock presented the Royal Court’s AIDS Awareness Week. The court raised nearly $4,600 for AIDS education and services for people with AIDS. Money to be used to assist people with AIDS and support various AIDS service organizations. Emperor Bullock stated, “ I think it’s a hell of a reason to bring people together, but it has. People care because they might be affected and their friends are affected. And they recognize the need to do something.” A ten mile marathon kicked off the event.
• A tour bus carrying heavy metal band Metallica crashes in Sweden, killing their bassist, Cliff Burton.
• The Sixth Annual Family Sexuality Conference held a workshop in Salt Lake City as part of a local observance of National Family Sexuality Education Month. The workshop was entitled: Homosexuality: A Closer Look. Dr. R. Jan Stout, assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of Utah’s Medical Center and Lanelle McCollum, a psychotherapist were main facilitators. Dr. Stout made it clear that the preponderance of evidence suggests that homosexuality is neither a matter of choice nor a question of identifiable environmental factors. Instead, a homosexual orientation seems o result from some developmental biological factor or from being imprinted as a very early age. Dr. R. Jan Stout born 20 May 1936 died 25 Sep 1993 of cancer in Salt Lake City. A friend of the Gay Community.
• "Stuck With You" by Huey Lewis & The News is number one song on the national charts

28 September 1986 Sunday
Today is Charming Bill's 25th Birthday. I slept in until ten this morning feeling rather melancholy and morose about Scott's revelations last night and Bill's wanting me to cash a check only so he could go out looking for men at the Deerhunter.

I did get up and cleaned the apartment because I had to get things ready for Bill's birthday party. I fixed the Clam Chowder, and decorated Bill's cheese cake with blueberries and whip cream. I also made a crab dip to eat with the crusty bread and crackers I bought. Everything ready for him, and yesterday he said that he would come by at noon. So I waited, napping on the sofa and trying to keep the soup warm and the cheese cake chilled.

Finally at 1 pm, Bill calls me and he knew that I was upset. He said "Let's go for a walk through Memory Grove so we can talk" and share his birthday together. I said "that would be nice", so I got dressed to go outside in the chill, and waited for him to come by.

I laid back on the couch, resting and wondering where could he be? 2 o'clock, 3 o'clock 4 o'clock, 5 o'clock. No Billy. So at 6 o’clock, feeling the most rejected I ever have in my life, I left the apartment. I had to get out or go insane looking at my dining table brimming with his presents and birthday dishes. I decided to ride my bike down to MCC and as I was riding I met up with Jon B.. He could sense that something was terribly wrong so I told him that Billy didn't show up for his birthday party. Jon looked so incredibly sad and reached out to me and said "I'm so sorry Ben". I feel like such a fool.

I met Mike A. at MCC and we only stayed for about an half hour, mostly for the singing. I was in so much heartache pain that I couldn't sit still. Mike wanted to go to Affirmation but I told him that I was feeling kind of low and really wasn't up to going to Affirmation.

So I rode my bike back home and about 7 pm Bill calls me. Hearing his voice, I slam the phone down without speaking a word to him. He calls back, several time, but I would not answer the phone. I was so fucking hurt.

The cheesecake's has been left out on the table, the whip cream has run flat, and the clam chowder is cold. It seemed so pathetic. I lit the fucking candles and turned the lights off. Sitting in the glow of the burning candles, I started crying uncontrollably. This wasn't how it was suppose to be.

A little after seven-thirty, the door buzzer is screaming at me so I get up from the sofa to answer it and there Bill and Scott W. are standing at my doorstep. They are all peppy and wanting me to go out with them. I could not even believe their cruel audacity. So there they stood and I stood there not inviting them in. I just say "No" to them and begin to close the door when Billy starts oozing his charm.
The vulnerability and the surprised child hurt look that more or less asks "why am I being so mean to him?" "What did I do wrong?" "I don't understand." The whole works.

When he wouldn't leave I said in the most emotionless voice I could muster, "Bill, I don't want to deal with this now. I can't deal with this now. So just go away. Please leave." But he still won't leave and he begins to fucking analyze what was happening, like whether I have the right to be upset with him and I am standing there going fucking crazy. I pulled out some old OA jargon and said, "Analysis is paralyzes. If you think you are any kind of a friend Bill you will leave right now."

And again he keeps hanging on, and I keep saying "No I will not discuss this. Go Away". Seeing that he would not leave I went over to the dining table, grabbed his present and thrust it at him and said "Here! Happy Birthday." All awkward he says, "I can't take this," and I said, "I never had to return a birthday present in my life."

When he knew that I was not going to let him in and would not discuss why, he and a very sheepish Scott left finally about nine pm. Immediately I burst into tears, broke open a bottle Red Label Scotch. I had to get drunk or die. So I drank and cried in the darken misery until about ten pm when Mike A., Brad T, and Mark C came over to see how I was doing. They said they were so sorry but by then I was blissfully drunk and my pain was anesthetized. Spying the Cheesecake, I said go a head and eat it.

After Mark revealed that it's also Bridget Bardot's 52nd birthday, we toasted her and celebrated. Mike said that I needed to get out and away from the tragic scene so we went down to Village Inn to be with other's from Affirmation. Being drunk I didn't much care where they took me.

I sat with Beauchaine and when he heard what Bill did to me he was upset and said that Bill is dangerous to a person's mental health and well being. Beau and I then toasted all the fucking Billys in the world. I told Mike that I had to clear my head so walked home from Village Inn. Coming into the building, encountered Russ Lane and I slammed the front door in his face. Sick of him too. Goodnight.

29 September 1986 Monday
I've had such a splitting headache all day. A real tumor, skull splitting, black death kind of headache. I feel like I have been put right through the wringer and then beat up.

I tried not crying all day but holding it all in has made my head hurt even more.

Work of course was boring, boring, boring. Gena is an unhappy person and seems to get pleasure going around telling everyone in the office that I am bi-sexual and that Jon B. and Russ Lane are Gay. I would like to quit my job but don't want to do anything foolish.

I was committed to go to LGSU with Mike A., otherwise I would have stayed home and cried all night.

I miss Billy B. so much but I can't allow him to treat me like he did. I am of true value, to myself if not him, and don't deserve to be treated by anyone like that. Especially by one to whom I've given my heart and have done so much for.

The topic for tonight at LGSU was "Self Respect" and I needed to hear that. There was a large crowd there and too big of a group to get to know everyone.

30 September 1986 Tuesday
The misty weather today matches my spirit. It's the last day of a roller coaster month. I got paid today and cleared $540. I hope its enough to cover my bills.

It rained for most of the day and I had to ride my ten speed bike to the Utah Credit Union to cover the check I wrote for my wife's storage unit. It rained on me as I rode my bike, a fine drizzle.

I'm so depressed over Billy B.. In the evening I made some chicken and dumplings and brought some up to Russ because I said I would. But no more. I am through with Russ Lane.

I spent the rest of the evening bringing out the Halloween decorations and cried a little knowing that my wife, Sam, Toby, Jack, Killer, and Baby would not be spending this Halloween with me. Carol Kessler was alive this time last year. Will I be next year?

I visited a little with Jon B. today after Jim P. and he returned from the Salt Lake Men's rehearsal. Jon B. said he saw Billy B. eating at the McDonald's on 7th East and he was looking so sad and lonely.

Billy, Billy, Billy. I miss you. Last night I cried so hard that I thought my head was coming off. I had such a migraine. It must be the stress.

Billy there's no time left for you, because as the song says "am on my way to better things." I miss you so much and it breaks my heart to think of you eating all alone at McDonald's. But why the hell am I feeling sorry for you? What about me? You left me waiting and waiting, wondering where You were. We were suppose to have gone for a walk. Do you remember that? I made a fucking cheesecake, with love in everything I did for you. I made clam chowder. All your favorite foods. I went shopping to get you just the perfect gift. Stood in line, lovingly picking out just the right wrapping paper for your present. So much wasted anticipation. I spent all day Sunday waiting, waiting, waiting. The table was set with the china plates. The wine goblets were waiting to be filled. The clam chowder was in the ceramic Duck Turin, growing tepid, finally cold. The Crab dip was just sitting, waiting for you to plunge into with potato chips now all stale. The tapered candles shrank into pools of melted wax as I waited by the flickering candlelight for you to come, so that I could wish you "Happy Birthday". You did not come. So eat your fucking hamburger alone. You don't deserve to have someone love you. Bill I will get over you. I swear to God almighty and I hope someday we will be friends, but now the hurt is too deep.

Billy charming Billy I miss you so much. Sweet William come back to my forgiving arms. I want you to come home to my arms, to my bed. I'll be good to you. I want to lay down by your side and here your soft breathing as you sleep.

No. Ben have some self respect. Say No. He can come home only if he is willing to love you for the good man you are. Billy I have to love myself as much as I love you. Billy for my own self esteem I can not love you unconditionally as I wish I could. But my conditions are so simple Billy. Just love me and I will love you.